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Across the Fence:  Hubby doesn't understand why I am upset up update  |
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batznthebelfry
True Blue Farmgirl
1195 Posts
Michele
Athol
Ma
USA
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 Posted - Jul 07 2012 : 04:44:01 AM
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See bottom of page 2 for update
updated again today on page 2
ok my dear sweet hens this is serious to me so I need your honest opinion since I am going to make my hubby read these...no jokes please
how would you react if you find out a month later thur a bank statement your hubby spent $490 on a single mothers 17 yr old daug for graduation & never told you about it?
If it would hurt or upset you explain why.
if you think its no big deal explain that reason please.
needless to say I am very upset & have even thrown up over this last night cause he doesn't see anything wrong with what he did...the buying her this expensive gift or not telling me...or even sitting down with me & talking about her graduation & if we should do anything.....also this is not a gift from the 2 of us just him...and no it wasn't jewelry, it was so she & 11 of her friends can spend 30 mins in a machine that blows you into the air so its like sky diving.
& no he is not sleeping with this girl...mother would kill him & not sleeping with the mother but she is a very good friend of the hubby....so please tell me what you would do if this happened to you....Michele'
Chickens RULE!
ok hens I guess I should have said more about this cause of all your questions......
he has been unemployed since he got back from Afghanistan in Dec...we are unemployment at the moment & looks like we will be for a while...
We did talk last night & no knives or dishes were involved on my part nor was yelling, screaming or raising my voice...yes he knew when he bought the gift it was $490...he paid it right then & there with his debit card & got the receipt.
He thinks he did no wrong in this & that its no big deal...but for me it is huge...my wedding ring (which I had to buy) broke & 3 yrs ago I asked him to sometime get me a new one....well he never did & I had to fix it myself...in 22 yrs he has never bought me anything that expensive...the thing that bothers me is this is not the only time he has not told me things so when I find out its thur either someone else or a bill/statement & when I ask him about it its always he forgot to tell me........
Now if this had been a poor woman who didn't have a wonderful job(she does)plus she rents from her mother & he was helping with say rent, food or gas in her car that I could accept as even when we are low on funds we will help those around us & I re-budget everything to get us thur...that I have never minded as I know sometimes everyone needs a helping hand so we give that freely but we tell each other or I should say I tell him if I am doing it.
I am really lost about this & am so upset cause I am tired of the lies/hiding everything he does with me...I am a open book partly because lying kills me so I would rather tell the truth & get yelled at for that than hide it & it later get found out & a big explosion occur......I won't even tell a white lie...he broke me of that years ago.....
Its really not so much about the money as it is with a 17 yr old girl who is not his daug...he has never done anything like this for his step son who thinks of him as a dad......
this is more than I wanted to say to you all & there is even more but I think it will cause me to throw up again if I go beyond this...so now that you know what I have written....can you still be honest with me & tell me what I am feeling is wrong & I should let it go....Michele'
ok to answer some questions no this time around he does not have PTSD as he did when he came back form Iraq in 2005 & yes I made him go to the Army to help him thur it...I had honestly thought I had finally gotten the man I married back when he came home this time...the lying he has done has been going on for 22 yrs with me & this is just the straw that broke the camels back as my little sis would say....& yes I must say in all honesty I am very jeolous that this little girl gets more attention than i do from him... & no she is not his daug as someone asked she was 4 yrs old by the time he met the mother.....please note he is not doing anything perverted with this little girl & I have never thought that about him...if I ever had that come into my mind I would have been gone years ago.....he has never been alone with her in any way so I am not worried about that...
ok the comment about the hurricane thing...this is different & is for professions in the parachute community..I did go on line to check out the company & its prices...its set up for those who are also thinking of parachute jumping thats why this girl can do it with her friends....plus the hurricane one at your mall would run about $80 for 30 mins if its $8 for 3 mins....anyway thank you hens for telling me the truth of how you feel...it means the world to me & I have decided what to do which I may write about later but right now am just trying to deal with a very sick tummy over this....xoxo...
hen #2622
theoldbatzfarm.blogspot.com
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Edited by - batznthebelfry on Jul 12 2012 08:05:29 AM |
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clothedinscarlet
True Blue Farmgirl
1333 Posts
Siobhan
Battle Creek
MI
USA
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Posted - Jul 07 2012 : 04:59:55 AM
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Personally, in our marriage, we are one so everything we have belongs to both of us, including the finances. So, one person does not ever spend money without the other knowing. The only exception to this might be birthday and Christmas presents for each other, but even then we discuss what is considered a safe amount for our budget to spend. For our budget, $500 would be a devastating blow and that would be insane to spend on someone else's children when we need it to feed our own. Your budget might be a little fatter than ours, I don't know. The problem here is that he did it and didn't tell you. One of a woman's biggest needs in marriage is security. When sneaking happens, she does not feel secure and it will open up thoughts to all kinds of things that may not be truth, but without trust, how does she know what is really truth. That's just how a woman's brain and emotions work. Men don't get it. He doesn't really have to get it, but he DOES need to understand that what he did robbed you of one of your basic needs in marriage. Security. Your need for security and stability and trust is just as strong as his need for action in the bedroom. Maybe that will help him understand how important it is ;)
Farmgirl Sister #1110
Siobhan - AKA Liza-Jane (my farmgirl name), wife to my best friend, Trent, and mommy to Camden (11/28/05) and Bennett (7/11/07). and Truman (7/28/09) |
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Beverly Gill
True Blue Farmgirl
936 Posts
Beverly
Marlborough
Massachusetts
USA
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Posted - Jul 07 2012 : 05:09:19 AM
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it would really make me wonder why he spent such a large amount of $$$$......is he a generous guy by nature....feeling sorry for the single mother not being able to provide a lasting experience for her daughter?
Even if he is, he should have told you his plan. Or is his work nd life so hectic he didn't have time to tell you? I'd give him tghe benefit of the doubt and forget it.
Beverly Gill
There's no place like home |
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annielaurel
True Blue Farmgirl
903 Posts
nancy
fernandina beach
florida
USA
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Posted - Jul 07 2012 : 05:11:04 AM
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Everyone in a marriage needs to have some private things they do with money. Taking such a large amount of money to spend needs to be discussed. Not doing so means that the trust in the marriage will suffer. Not explaining what he wanted to do in spending this amount of money is really painful. Ask him how he would feel if you had a male friend with a son and you decided to spend nearly $500 on the boy. I don't think your husband realizes how much this hurt and how much trust and security was sacrificed in what he did. I am sure his intention was to give this girl something that she would always remember but he has brought great pain upon you. Please tell him that trust and security in a marriage is extremely important and once lost takes a while to regain.
I am praying for you and your husband that he will understand the severity of what has happened. God bless you both. Please do not let this one incident harm the love and devotion you have for one another.
Nancy
Farmgirl Sister #2301
Make everyday a celebration of the heart.
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22745 Posts
Alee
Billings
MT Sister # 8
USA
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Posted - Jul 07 2012 : 05:12:25 AM
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Our family is alot like Siobhan's with that amount of money is over half of our rent and we live paycheck to paycheck so in our filter that would be getting close to grounds for divorce because it would literally endanger our family. With no savings and living paycheck to paycheck- we can't just "Find" $500 in the budget for us- let alone an unrelated party for "fun" money.
However... if this is not that drastic to your budget and can be much more readily absorbed, perhaps it is viewed differetly. I still think it is a large amount of money to be spent on a graduation present. I wonder if there is more to the story? Did he make a commitment before knowing the price? Did the girl invite more friends than was originally agreed upon? Was it a spur of the moment thing-once in a lifetime type of thing or was it typical of him spending this much on others?
Honestly- I would get more information as to WHY he spent this amount of money on this girl before getting to upset. Yes- he should have let you know, probably shouldn't have spent that amount of money on a friend's daughter, and you should be party to large expenditures, however perhaps it was a simple error where he thought it would be like $50 or something and things got out of hand before he realized it and honor made him have to fork over the cash because he had made a commitment.
*hugs* What a terrible shock! I hope this gets resolved for you soon!
Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
www.farmgirlalee.blogspot.com
www.allergyjourneys.blogspot.com
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beachymom
True Blue Farmgirl
312 Posts
Kathy
Gambrills
Maryland
USA
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Posted - Jul 07 2012 : 06:17:36 AM
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I agree with Alee. It could have been like she said....husband may have thought it was a lot less expensive than it turned out to be, or she may have invited more friends. I think it's a man thing to pay more just to 'keep face'.
My husband is the same way. Once when we were buying a new couch, the salesman quoted a price $500, however, I had several newspaper adds showing the exact same couch for $350. Husband didn't want to haggle and actually threw up his hands, said "whatever" and walked away. I then looked the salesman in the eye and said "make me happy". He said he would price match the add, then I said I also want a 10% reduction because I have cash..he hemmed & hawed around, said he'd have to speak to his manager, but in the end, I got the couch for $300 and we took it home same day. Hubby said he wanted the other $200, but I told him that he bought a $500 couch!! I shared with him.
Moral to this story is that I think you need to talk to him.....tell him that it hurt your feelings...you have to actually spell things out to some men...they can be so thick! Tell him that you need to know that he trusts you enough to let you know when he's going to spend money like that.
Whatever you choose to do will be what you choose to do. I'll pray for you to make the right choice for your family.
Hugs and Squishies!!
Kathy
Farmgirl Sister #3983
Take care of the land and it will take care of you. |
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MagnoliaWhisper
True Blue Farmgirl
2670 Posts
Heather
Haysville
Kansas
USA
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Posted - Jul 07 2012 : 07:23:33 AM
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I'm going to be brutally honest, I think you all need to go and find your local VA, and get into some counseling. Marriage for both of you, and HE needs to find a group of other vets that meet once a week for weekly counseling, for the after effects of war. I know this seems like a purely marriage problem, but when you added in Afgahnastan, that put a entirely new twist on it.
That being said, my husband was like this as the beginning of our marriage and thankfully he came to my side of things-telling me beforehand. However, it wasn't just women, so I knew it wasn't about his "cheating". Cause he was this way with my own family-he would buy big gifts for my brothers, nephews, neices, etc with out telling me...and I would be like wha what? Not that I am in greedy or ungiving, I think I am very giving, but my parents had a lot more money then we had to spend the way he was. We just didn't have that kind of money. But, I've just found this is the kind of person he is. If we go out to eat, he will leave any where between 50 and 100 percent tip. So when he ask me where I want to eat, I have to figure that tip into the budget when I am thinking, cause I know that's just the kind of person he is, and no it doesn't matter if we have a male or a female waiter they get the same percentage tip from him...just the kind of guy he is. And I don't think he's trying to show off, I think he is just generally a giving person.....he also likes to give ME too expensive gifts. However, funny enough we have the same wedding ring problem! lol haha However, he always wants to buy me a new one and I'm always finding something else that same price we need more, so I finally just left him buy me a 30 dollar avon ring and been wearing it, till we get the other big stuff I feel we need more then a silly ring! lol
http://www.heathersprairie.blogspot.com |
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Okie Farm Girl
True Blue Farmgirl
1570 Posts
Mary Beth
McLoud
Oklahoma
USA
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Posted - Jul 07 2012 : 08:49:53 AM
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Well, I'm going to be brutally honest as well. The whole thing is totally inappropriate. I was a single mother at one time and if a married man had done that for my daughter, I would have been totally not okay with that. There are "rules of engagement" (had to use that military term for you! :-)) in relationships too, and a biggie is not to give any appearance of inpropriety. Your husband put this young woman, and even her mother, in a terrible position of appearance to others. Tongues wag whether warranted or not. He was not being a protector of this young woman. He was giving reason for wagging tongues. Your husband's devotion is to you and none other. Anything of charity outside the home is a joint venture.
And one of the biggest problems in marriages is finances. There has to be an openess and a working together in that area or trouble is assured. My husband handles the budget and pays the bills, but we sit down together and look at where we are and what we need to be saving for, etc. And neither one of us spends money that the other doesn't know about. If I go out to eat with a friend, I tell him and visa versa. I hope you all can spend time devoted to each other and work on becoming a team. Your concerns have basis and his actions were wrong. Hopefully, you can both learn from this and move on. Hugs.
Mary Beth
www.OklahomaPastryCloth.com
www.Oklahomapastrycloth.com/blog
The Sovereign Lord is my strength - Habakkuk 3:19 |
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Emily Anna
True Blue Farmgirl
805 Posts
Emily
Fort Atkinson
WI
USA
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Posted - Jul 07 2012 : 10:42:37 AM
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Wow, Michele. My attitude totally changed from your first post to the second. After I read your first post, my first question was "does he do things without your knowing often, or is this the first time?" After reading your second post, I can see it's kind of a habit. My second question was "can you afford this generous gift?" It doesn't seem so. I was trying to find justification in why he did this, but now it's kind of hard to. I applaud you for being giving to the people who need it, but like you said, it's a big difference when you are giving to put food on the table or buy gas for someone who needs to get to work. But $500 on a graduation gift??? $500 is a lot of moola, especially when your unemployed. He put a 17-year-old before his family for something that wasn't even necessary. The thing that scares me the most is that he doesn't see anything wrong with it. Did he do this stuff before he went to Afghanistan?
I totally agree with what Heather said about getting counseling as a couple and then your husband for his deployment. I read all kinds of things about PTSD and how it can tear a family up as well as the person who has it.
I hope everything works out, Michele.
Emily |
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Ninibini
True Blue Farmgirl
3777 Posts
Nini
Pennsylvania
USA
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Posted - Jul 07 2012 : 11:08:28 AM
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Oh, Michele! My question to your husband is: If he didn't think there was anything wrong with it, why didn't he just discuss it with you beforehand? Obviously, he knew it was wrong and that it would cause you to feel hurt, angry and upset. That being the case, he should never have done it. Wife and husband and family first in all matters, and if it is going to cause pain, dissension, hurt or anger, then it's a BIG NO... He should've discussed it with you and come to a reasonable agreement about it if it was so important to him to do it. I'm so sorry that this happened, because I can see that you are hurt and that this is driving a big wedge between you both. This isn't how it's supposed to be. I can only imagine just how hurt and infuriated you must be by the whole situation. You're right - it IS wrong. VERY wrong. It's very wrong for the girl and her mother to accept such an extravagant gift, as well - especially if either one knew that you were unaware of your husband's overly generous gift. I'm with Mary Beth on all counts. Please find a place of forgiveness and try to work things out together so it doesn't happen again. Mutual respect and trust are HUGE and necessary for a good marriage. You need to know you can count on each other in all things, and that faith and trust in each other - the LOVE - should never be abused, neglected or taken for granted. There is nothing that can't be forgiven, there is nothing that can't be fixed, there is nothing that can't be changed for the better. I'm praying for healing in your marriage - blessings to you both. Love and hugs - Nini
Farmgirl Sister #1974
God gave us two hands... one to help ourselves, and one to help others!
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Edited by - Ninibini on Jul 07 2012 11:09:30 AM |
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laurentany
True Blue Farmgirl
2879 Posts
Laurie
Patchogue
NY
USA
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Posted - Jul 07 2012 : 2:47:08 PM
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Michelle,
All I can say is that I am praying for you and your marriage. I agree with you and completely understand why you are feeling so hurt- you have every right to be hurt.
Sit down with your husband and explain to him that you can not and will not go on like this anymore, and that from this day forward you need to open up the lines of communication and become one! You will not always see eye to eye, but at the very least the groundwork must be laid down, so that everyone on the team knows the rules of the game and agrees to follow them,
Hugs to you!
~Laurie
"Little Hen House on the Island"
Farmgirl Sister#1403
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.. |
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farmmilkmama
True Blue Farmgirl
1939 Posts
Amy
Central MN
USA
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Posted - Jul 07 2012 : 3:13:26 PM
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I'm with Nini - if he didn't think there was anything wrong with it, why didn't he discuss it with you? And how would he have felt if the shoe was on the other foot? If you would have spent that money on a similar situation without letting him know, how would he have reacted when he found out?
I'm praying for you. This is such a hurtful situation, and I really hope it turns out for the best. I hope it was just a terrible misunderstanding and that things can be worked out. :)
--* FarmMilkMama *--
Farmgirl Sister #1086
Be yourself.
Everyone else is already taken.
-Oscar Wilde
www.farmfoodmama.blogspot.com
www.thehmmmschoolingmom.blogspot.com
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goneriding
True Blue Farmgirl
1599 Posts
Winona
Central Oregon
USA
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Posted - Jul 07 2012 : 3:21:11 PM
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Well, I'm going to be the meany again. If this were me, I'd lay the law down pronto. No ifs, ands or buts about it. He HAS to see the big picture or it's not going to work. Why am I so 'mean'?? Well, I've been close to what you're describing. Now, I don't know about the deployment part, as we never had to do that stuff and it could be connected to PTSD or something, but, just in a general lay-out of the story, you need to get some big ovaries and clear the air.
My hubby got a wild hair once to give some jewelry (??!!) to an acquaintance. When I called him on it, he said it would be from both of us. This happened at the Navajo Flea Market in Gallup, NM. Let me tell you, the whole market went pretty much silent as I was objecting to this. On the spot, I offered to let him go on with his life and I'd go on with mine, without each other. He saw the light really quickly. Then, I went off on the broad, erm, female for accepting his attentions, so to speak. She let slip that other wives had had trouble with her 'friendships' with their husbands. No, duh! From that moment on, she slipped quietly into that good night. So, while your hubby did wrong (oh, boy, did he!), I'm betting the receiving end isn't discouraging the gift(s). So, you have to take stock, get unemotional for a little bit (cry later when no one can see you) and step up to the plate to lay it all on the line. Tweak at needed but I think you get the picture.
So sorry you are having to deal with this but being sweet and understanding won't do a thing for the both of you!! Thinking of you!!
My website: http://antlersantiqueswindchimes.weebly.com
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queenmushroom
True Blue Farmgirl
674 Posts
Lorena
Centerville
Me
USA
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Posted - Jul 07 2012 : 5:02:28 PM
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I tell you what...If that was my hubby, after I drove my foot up his derrier so far that he was chewing on my toenails for breakfast and choked the living crap out of him at the same time, I would have called the mother demanding the ring be brought back and returned it myself explaining to her that "we" did not have the money to purchase this, that this purchase was not discussed with you at all, and if it had been you would not have let him do this. I am certain that if the mother knew what was spent on the ring, she would let you have it back. Secondly, you need to sit down with him and show him what your budget is and by doing that, he should see the error of the purchase. Thirdly, I agree that maybe he needs some counsiling and further adjusting before making large expenditures. Maybe see if he will let you have the credit cards, debit card and check book for a while until this all blows over and that he sees the error of the purchase.
Lorie
Patience is worth a bushel of brains...from a chinese fortune cookie |
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Fiddlehead Farm
True Blue Farmgirl
4420 Posts
Diane
Janesville
Wisconsin
USA
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Posted - Jul 07 2012 : 5:34:12 PM
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I agree mostly with my fellow farmgirls on this one. I think to myself, what a waste of money on a 30 minute thrill ride (or was it a ring? I am confused). I just can't believe the extravagant gifts this younger generation receives and sometimes demands. If I was the mother, I would not have let her accept the gift. Does your DH get some kind of ego boost from this girl and her mom? No matter, it was wrong and if he didn't think so, why did he hide it or forget it? My DH had a problem with spending money in secret when we were first married. Not for gifts, mostly for his own hobbies. It almost ruinded our marriage. I found out about how much money it was and layed the law down and he just kept doing it until I filed for divorce. Two weeks before it was to be final, we got back together. We wrote a letter to each other about our promises, mostly about money. Whenever I think he is going off the secret deep end, I take out the letter. I am so sorry you are going through this. I hope you two can come to an agreement and that you can trust him again. I am sorry he is unemployed, thank him for his service for me please.
http://studiodiphotosite.shutterfly.com/
farmgirl sister #922
I am trying to be the person my dogs think I am.
I get up every morning determined to both change the world and have one hell of a good time. Sometimes this makes planning my day difficult.
- E. B. White |
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FarmDream
True Blue Farmgirl
1085 Posts
Julie
TX
USA
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Posted - Jul 07 2012 : 6:04:32 PM
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Dave Ramsey would call this Financial Infidelity. I also have a problem that the money was spent on a minor. Part of the road back to trusting will have to be cutting off the friendship with this single mother and her daughter.
~FarmDream is Farmgirl Sister #3069
Live Today, Cherish Yesterday, Dream Tomorrow
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http://julie-rants.blogspot.com |
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Across the Fence: Hubby doesn't understand why I am upset up update |
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Hubby doesn't understand why I am upset up update
