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 Let's Laugh Our Way Through 2015!!
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Ninibini
True Blue Farmgirl

7577 Posts

Nini
Pennsylvania
USA
7577 Posts

Posted - Mar 09 2014 :  09:34:43 AM  Show Profile
Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! That one cracked me up, Cindy!

Confucius say...

Woman who put detergent on top shelf jump for Joy!



Farmgirl Sister #1974

God gave us two hands... one to help ourselves, and one to help others!

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Cindy Lou
True Blue Farmgirl

2325 Posts

Susan
Lonsdale MN
USA
2325 Posts

Posted - Mar 09 2014 :  1:12:10 PM  Show Profile


A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"
He answered, "Call for backup."

Susan

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"
Mary Oliver
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Ninibini
True Blue Farmgirl

7577 Posts

Nini
Pennsylvania
USA
7577 Posts

Posted - Mar 10 2014 :  08:12:27 AM  Show Profile
Why did the blonde wait over a month before changing her baby’s diaper?
|
|
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Because the package said it was good up to 20 lbs.



Farmgirl Sister #1974

God gave us two hands... one to help ourselves, and one to help others!

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Cindy Lou
True Blue Farmgirl

2325 Posts

Susan
Lonsdale MN
USA
2325 Posts

Posted - Mar 10 2014 :  10:09:14 AM  Show Profile
A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.

They boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?”

They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The youngest brother gasped for breath and replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time dude. God is missing and they think WE did it!"

Susan


"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"
Mary Oliver
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Ninibini
True Blue Farmgirl

7577 Posts

Nini
Pennsylvania
USA
7577 Posts

Posted - Mar 10 2014 :  10:37:23 AM  Show Profile
LOL!!! Oh, Susan - that's hilarious!!!

Farmgirl Sister #1974

God gave us two hands... one to help ourselves, and one to help others!

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katmom
True Blue Farmgirl

16958 Posts

Grace
WACAL Gal WashCalif.
USA
16958 Posts

Posted - Mar 10 2014 :  8:10:02 PM  Show Profile
lolololololo.! all to funny!

>^..^<
Happiness is being a katmom and Glamping Diva!

www.katmom4.blogspot.com & http://graciesvictorianrose.blogspot.com

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Ninibini
True Blue Farmgirl

7577 Posts

Nini
Pennsylvania
USA
7577 Posts

Posted - Mar 11 2014 :  03:11:50 AM  Show Profile
One evening while working on their wills, a couple’s discussion became very serious when the subject of end of life issues arose.

As they were sharing how they wanted to be treated, the husband became quite emotional. With tears in his eyes, he turned to his wife and pleaded, “Sweetheart, PLEASE promise me that if I am ever dependent on machines and bottled fluids to keep me alive you'll take immediate action and put an end to it right away.”

The wife smiled, patted his hand gently and reassuringly kissed him on the cheek. Obedient wife that she was, she then stood up and stormed straight to the living room, unplugged the TV, then took his beer and poured it down the drain.

Farmgirl Sister #1974

God gave us two hands... one to help ourselves, and one to help others!

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Cindy Lou
True Blue Farmgirl

2325 Posts

Susan
Lonsdale MN
USA
2325 Posts

Posted - Mar 11 2014 :  07:49:51 AM  Show Profile
Nini, That is so funny!

It doesn't take much to ruin a film. Sometimes all you have to do is add a word to the title, such as:

THE GIRL WITH THE WASHABLE DRAGON TATTOO
GAME OF PORCELAIN THRONES
THE KFC BUCKET LIST

Susan

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"
Mary Oliver
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prariehawk
True Blue Farmgirl

2914 Posts

Cindy

2914 Posts

Posted - Mar 11 2014 :  5:38:49 PM  Show Profile
Frankie was in prison and his mama sent him a letter:
"Son, I wish you were out of prison. there are so many things to do around the house. I want to plant a beautiful garden but my back hurts too much to till the soil"
Frankie, being a good boy, wrote back"I'm sorry I'm not there to help you, mama. and by the way, the bodies are buried in the front yard".
The police descend upon mama's house and proceed to dig up the front yard, but they find no bodies.
Mama writes back"Frankie, there were no bodies in the front yard".
He replies "I know, mama. Now you go out there and plant your garden".
Cindy

"Vast floods can't quench love, no matter what love did/ Rivers can't drown love, no matter where love's hid"--Sinead O'Connor
"In many ways, you don't just live in the country, it lives inside you"--Ellen Eilers

Visit my blog at http://www.farmerinthebelle.blogspot.com/
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Ninibini
True Blue Farmgirl

7577 Posts

Nini
Pennsylvania
USA
7577 Posts

Posted - Mar 12 2014 :  03:24:07 AM  Show Profile
Received this one from a friend in an email yesterday - sadly, no credit was attributed to the photographer. I just loved it and had to share! :)




Hugs -

Nini

Farmgirl Sister #1974

God gave us two hands... one to help ourselves, and one to help others!

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Cozynana
True Blue Farmgirl

1123 Posts

Kem

1123 Posts

Posted - Mar 12 2014 :  04:21:16 AM  Show Profile
Nini, thanks for starting this thread. It is great.
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Cindy Lou
True Blue Farmgirl

2325 Posts

Susan
Lonsdale MN
USA
2325 Posts

Posted - Mar 12 2014 :  07:47:52 AM  Show Profile
Cindy,
I loved the helpful son story!
Nini,
The picture is SO funny!

A lawyer was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side.
A couple of minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!" Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of "beautiful," it was "cute." She asked, "What happened to 'beautiful'?" His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"

Susan



"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"
Mary Oliver
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Cindy Lou
True Blue Farmgirl

2325 Posts

Susan
Lonsdale MN
USA
2325 Posts

Posted - Mar 13 2014 :  09:45:43 AM  Show Profile

Shaved
A church in a rural community was so small that the pastor also doubled as the local barber to make ends meet.



There happened to be a man in this small community who had invested wisely and was enjoying his newfound comfort. This man got out of bed one day to go through his daily routine. He looked into the mirror as he was about to shave and decided, “I make enough money now, I don’t have to shave myself. I’ll go down to the barber and let him shave me from now on.”

So he walked into the barber shop and found the preacher/barber was out calling on shut-ins. His wife, Grace, said “I usually do the shaves anyway … sit down and I’ll shave you.” So he did.

After she shaved him, he asked, “How much do I owe you?”

“$25,” Grace replied.

The man thought that was a bit expensive, especially if he got a shave every day. Nonetheless, he paid Grace and went on his way.

The next day, he woke up and found his face to be just as smooth as the day before. No need for a shave today, he thought, well, it was a $25 shave.

The next day he awoke to find his face as smooth as a baby’s bottom. Wow! he thought. That’s amazing, as he normally would need to shave daily to keep his clean-shaven look.

Day 3, he woke up and his face was still as smooth as the minute Grace had finished. Now, somewhat perplexed, the man went down to the barber shop to ask some questions.

This time the pastor was in. The man asked him why his face was as smooth as it was the first day it was shaven.

The kind old pastor gently retorted, “Friend, you were shaved by Grace … and once shaved, always shaved.”


Susan

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"
Mary Oliver
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Ninibini
True Blue Farmgirl

7577 Posts

Nini
Pennsylvania
USA
7577 Posts

Posted - Mar 14 2014 :  08:24:28 AM  Show Profile
You're so welcome, Kem! I truly believe we all need to laugh a little every day... Just as much as we all need to stop and smell the roses! :)

That's so funny, Susan! My Grandpa was a barber in his retirement. He would've LOVED it!



One day, the teacher was discussing whales with her first grade class when a little girl raised her hand.

“Mrs. Wright,” she asked, “do whales swallow people?”

Her teacher replied, “No, dear. Even though they are much bigger than a person, they have throat pleats that filter their food of krill and plankton.”

Susie was noticeably confused. “But my Sunday school teacher says Jonah was swallowed by a whale.”

Mrs. Wright rolled her eyes, sighed a deep, calming sigh, and replied, “But Susie, as I just explained, blue whales cannot swallow people.”

Susie thought for a second. “Well, I suppose when I get to heaven I’ll just have to ask Jonah if he really was swallowed by a whale.”

Visibly irritated, her teacher replied, “What if Jonah went to hell?”

Susie gazed out the window for a moment, when suddenly her eyes lit up! “Well, then, I guess YOU can ask him, Mrs. Wright!”



Have a giggly day, girls!

Nini


Farmgirl Sister #1974

God gave us two hands... one to help ourselves, and one to help others!


Edited by - Ninibini on Mar 14 2014 08:25:23 AM
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Calicogirl
True Blue Farmgirl

5216 Posts

Sharon
Bruce Crossing Michigan
USA
5216 Posts

Posted - Mar 14 2014 :  10:20:38 PM  Show Profile
oh girls, thanks for the smiles :)

Why did the cowboy get a dachshund?

He wanted to get a long little doggy ;)

Farmgirl Sister #5392

By His Grace, For His Glory
~Sharon

http://amerryheartjournal.blogspot.com/
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Cindy Lou
True Blue Farmgirl

2325 Posts

Susan
Lonsdale MN
USA
2325 Posts

Posted - Mar 15 2014 :  6:14:09 PM  Show Profile
How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight?
Have YOU ever seen a rabbit with glasses?

Susan

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"
Mary Oliver
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Cindy Lou
True Blue Farmgirl

2325 Posts

Susan
Lonsdale MN
USA
2325 Posts

Posted - Mar 17 2014 :  5:31:54 PM  Show Profile
What do you call a cow murder mystery?
A moo-done-it.

Susan

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"
Mary Oliver
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prariehawk
True Blue Farmgirl

2914 Posts

Cindy

2914 Posts

Posted - Mar 17 2014 :  5:56:57 PM  Show Profile
A man planned to rob a museum in Paris. He stole some paintings, loaded them in a van, and then realized he was almost out of gas, so he stopped to get some gas, but he then realized he had no money. The police nabbed him because he didn't have the Monet to pay for Degas to make the Van Gogh.
Cindy

"Vast floods can't quench love, no matter what love did/ Rivers can't drown love, no matter where love's hid"--Sinead O'Connor
"In many ways, you don't just live in the country, it lives inside you"--Ellen Eilers

Visit my blog at http://www.farmerinthebelle.blogspot.com/
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Cindy Lou
True Blue Farmgirl

2325 Posts

Susan
Lonsdale MN
USA
2325 Posts

Posted - Mar 20 2014 :  12:51:23 PM  Show Profile
FEMALE COMEBACKS

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Susan

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"
Mary Oliver
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beekeepersgirl
True Blue Farmgirl

1423 Posts

Luanne
Cresco PA
USA
1423 Posts

Posted - Mar 22 2014 :  04:24:05 AM  Show Profile
Just heard a cute one on RFD-TV.

What do you call a midget psychic running from the law? A small medium at large!

Dumb, but still funny!

Have a happy day!
Luanne

beekeepersgirl #691

Pleasant words are as an honeycomb, sweet to the soul, and health to the bones.

My blog: finallyafarmgirl.blogspot.com

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Cindy Lou
True Blue Farmgirl

2325 Posts

Susan
Lonsdale MN
USA
2325 Posts

Posted - Mar 22 2014 :  7:18:58 PM  Show Profile
Q: Why did the chicken say, "Meow, oink, bow-wow, and moo?"
A: He was studying foreign languages.

Susan

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"
Mary Oliver
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Cindy Lou
True Blue Farmgirl

2325 Posts

Susan
Lonsdale MN
USA
2325 Posts

Posted - Mar 23 2014 :  09:16:39 AM  Show Profile

On the sixth day God turned to the Archangel Gabriel and said: "Today, I am going to create a land called Minnesota. It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty; a land of 10,000 beautiful lakes, each one full of fish. It shall have tall majestic pines, peacefully flowing rivers, landscapes full of buffalo, tall grass, and eagles, beautiful blue skies, forests full of bear, elk and moose, and rich farmland.' God continued, I shall make the land rich in resources so as to make the inhabitants prosper and they shall be known as a most friendly people, people who practice being Minnesota Nice every day."

"But Lord," asked Gabriel, "don't you think you are being too generous to these Minnesotans?"

"Not really," replied God. "Just wait to see the winters I am going to give them."

AND NOW YOU KNOW!

Susan


"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"
Mary Oliver
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Cindy Lou
True Blue Farmgirl

2325 Posts

Susan
Lonsdale MN
USA
2325 Posts

Posted - Mar 24 2014 :  5:27:33 PM  Show Profile
This is pretty long but worth the reading.


THE MORE YOU READ THE FUNNIER IT GETS......COULDN'T DECIDE WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CRY.
$5.37!
That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me.
I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher.
Having already handed the
kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change
when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me.
He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me.
"Only $4.68" he said cheerfully.

I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet?
A mere child!
Senior citizen?

I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo.
Was he blind?
As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil.
Old? Me?

I'll show him, I thought.
I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter,
and there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something
and jingled it in front of me,
like I could be that easily distracted!
What am I now?
A toddler?

"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?"
I stared with utter disdain at the keys.
I began to rationalize in my mind!


"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly!
It could happen to anyone!"

I turned and headed back to the truck.
I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn.
What now?
I checked my keys and tried another.
Still nothing.

That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.
I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.

Then, a few other objects came into focus:
The car seat in the back seat.
Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard.
A partially eaten dough nut on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.

Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot,
relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life.
That is when I
felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger!
My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito,
only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage,
and strode back into the restaurant one final time.
There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish.
All I could think was,
"What is the world coming to?"

All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"?
At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle,
and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

Elmo had no clue.
I walked back out to the truck,
and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention.
He was holding up a drink and a bag.
His mother explained,
"I think you left this in my truck by mistake."

I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.

She offered these kind words:
"It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40 mph zone.
Yessss, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius.
And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall.
I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket.
I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.

The good news was that I had successfully found my way home.


Susan


"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"
Mary Oliver
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prariehawk
True Blue Farmgirl

2914 Posts

Cindy

2914 Posts

Posted - Mar 24 2014 :  8:03:31 PM  Show Profile
Speaking of traffic tickets, I knew someone whose brother was a joker. He got pulled over by a cop for speeding. He explained, "But officer, I just got a phone call that my mother-in-law is threatening to jump from a fourth story window. And I have to get there before she changes her mind cause the window is stuck and won't open". The officer got a chuckle and the guy didn't get a ticket.
Cindy

"Vast floods can't quench love, no matter what love did/ Rivers can't drown love, no matter where love's hid"--Sinead O'Connor
"In many ways, you don't just live in the country, it lives inside you"--Ellen Eilers

Visit my blog at http://www.farmerinthebelle.blogspot.com/
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Cindy Lou
True Blue Farmgirl

2325 Posts

Susan
Lonsdale MN
USA
2325 Posts

Posted - Mar 25 2014 :  3:57:16 PM  Show Profile
Q: What did the horse say when he fell?

A: I've fallen and I can't giddy up!

Susan

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"
Mary Oliver
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