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 I have been FREED!!!
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catscharm74
True Blue Farmgirl

4687 Posts

Heather
Texas
USA
4687 Posts

Posted - Aug 19 2016 :  07:04:32 AM  Show Profile  Send catscharm74 a Yahoo! Message  Reply with Quote
When my mom passed away 2 years ago, a lifetime of never being good enough was taken with her. I am FINALLY free to be the me I have always been.

Let me back up a bit. My mom was always picking on me for something- weight, hair, job, boyfriend, most any choice I made in life. I was never a bad kid, never got in trouble, worked 2-3 jobs to support myself but I just wanted to be me. I was never interested in stuff or status. I drove beat up cars, worked in "artsy" jobs (Her words not mine) and I often wore jean, tshirt and flip flops. My hair was long and wild and I never cared for makeup. You could find me either at the beach or hanging out with animals. Shopping just was not my thing and I had gotten to the point where I avoided all malls.

But I was never good enough for her. It came to a point of emotional abuse and I had to cut the contact. Now I know this will be hard for some to understand but until you have been through what I have been through, and yes, I get it, she was my mom, you won't fully understand. I did not want how she treated me to impact my son. So I had to make a hard choice.

It was not that I didn't try for my first 30 years of life to communicate and I realized no matter what I did, she would always find a way to bring me down.

When she died, I mourned but I will tell you, I more so mourned that I was finally free. I could care less what others think of me but she was always like that annoying gnat flying around your head.

Last time I saw her, she commented on my weight..like several times and that I was bad mom for working. She also commented I must like living like a poor person (from the women who never had to work a day in her life) and the people I hang around are dirty. Yep...that is my last memory....

My point is..don't wait to be you...be you..NOW!! LIVE NOW!! Embrace who you are, as you are, now.




Audra Rose
True Blue Farmgirl

1158 Posts

Vanessa
Brooksville KY
USA
1158 Posts

Posted - Aug 19 2016 :  08:22:57 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Heather, I am so sorry for your mother's passing, and the hurtful memories that she left behind. I hope that in your new freedom you can let those memories go. I find as a mother myself that I have to watch what I say to my children. My husband is the negative type, but I am the positive parent (I figure that if they are working and not behind bars, I've done a good job).

Farmgirl Sister #6754
Doxie Mom - Everyone loves a Weiner!

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.
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janamarieje
True Blue Farmgirl

850 Posts

Jana
Southern California
USA
850 Posts

Posted - Aug 19 2016 :  08:39:18 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Heather, I too am sorry for your hurtful memories and can sympathize with you. My mother was not a nurturing type, very judgmental, has said many times that she should never have been a mother, and so bad that both my brother and sister moved away, rarely communicating with her, and leaving me to be the responsible one. It has taken twelve years (since the passing of my dad) to learn and respect our differences as to why she is the way she is. It is not a perfect relationship, but one I am glad we worked through. I have two daughters, who couldn't be more different, but both who I love and respect and proud that I invested time and energy with as we have great relationships and have been told by my mother that she wishes that she was more like me. I am sorry you didn't get the time to work through some of those issues, but hope that anyone else experiencing similar that you take the time...it is worth it.

Jana
#7110
http://www.emhardt.com

Gardening is cheaper than therapy and you get tomatoes. ~Author Unknown
All I really need is love, but a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt! ~Charles Schulz
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sherone_13
True Blue Farmgirl

2273 Posts

Sherone
Evanston WY
USA
2273 Posts

Posted - Aug 19 2016 :  09:56:38 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Heather, I can relate to your post. My siblings and I were recently commenting that since my father and sister have passed away, there has not been one family fight. No family drama at all.....It's been so refreshing. It's okay to mourn them anyway you have to do it. For me it has been more about missing the people they could have been, instead of the people they were. I like to think that they have been able to work out some of those issues in the afterlife. My idea of heaven does not include their drama, so if it does, I guess, I am headed the other direction. :)

Sherone

Farmgirl Sister #93
My Blog

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Women are angels. When someone breaks our wings, we just jump on our broomsticks and fly! We are flexible that way!
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catscharm74
True Blue Farmgirl

4687 Posts

Heather
Texas
USA
4687 Posts

Posted - Aug 19 2016 :  11:07:09 AM  Show Profile  Send catscharm74 a Yahoo! Message  Reply with Quote
My afterlife involves lots of happy, well fed formerly abused or homeless pets at the beach. :)

Yes, to say it's been nice is an understatement. I refuse to let that continue with my son. I am far from perfect but I am trying to do better. :)


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ceridwen
True Blue Farmgirl

732 Posts

Carole
Northeast New York
USA
732 Posts

Posted - Aug 20 2016 :  06:56:49 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Congratulations on being freed! One thing I have learned is that people/parents/family members do the best they can with what they have (emotional and physical). Of course, that does not mean that what they did was right. Often, their best isn't good enough. Unless that individual is willing to work on themselves, one cannot expect emotional healthy from emotional unhealthy.

I love Oprah Winfrey's ha ha moment on forgiveness: "Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different.”

And just because one forgave a parent/person, it does not mean that what they did was right and that by forgiving them, we will allow them back into our life. Truly forgiving means that we no longer allow their negative impact to identify us and/or control our life.

Enjoy your freedom!



Carole
Farmgirl Sister 3610 - Nov 7/2011
http://www.carolesquiltingetc.com
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Edited by - ceridwen on Aug 20 2016 06:58:46 AM
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catscharm74
True Blue Farmgirl

4687 Posts

Heather
Texas
USA
4687 Posts

Posted - Aug 20 2016 :  07:19:28 AM  Show Profile  Send catscharm74 a Yahoo! Message  Reply with Quote
1000% agree with the forgive but doesn't make it right statement. I wrote my parents a letter about forgiving them many years ago. It was to free me, not them.

There is more to this story. I have a brother and sister who live in CT, where I was born. Being that I was in the military the last 20 years of my life and away and now call Texas my true home, they decided after my dad pass away to clean out his townhouse..like literally 3 days after he passed. Here is where the story gets shady- my parents had a lawyer for 35+ years (will call her Ms. T for the stories sake) until my mom passed away and my brother "convinced" my dad to change over to his lawyer. Ms. T was not invited to my mom's funeral until I called her and said something. She told me some VERY worrisome things- that my parents always carried an insurance policy on their items in their home- they had several valuable antiques and my dad had a large amount of work tools. She estimated the value just from those items to be over $65K, and that is being conservative. Add in my mom's 2 wedding ring sets, some other jewelry, some books worth some value and then the general rest of their stuff, she had the value at over $100k. Well, dad passed last September and I am told his wishes were to be cremated and no funeral. Ok..so I ask for the will, which I did not receive until May of this year. My dad wanted to be buried by his parents and have a small service. He is Italian and Catholic and protocol was important to him. Well, they cremated him and I didn't even know about it until after it was done. I decided to fly up there a week after he passed and the entire home was cleaned out...not even a dust bunny to be found.

They had cleaned out the place in less than 5 days and I don't know where the stuff is..I mean I am not dumb but my siblings refused to answer my phone calls and disappeared for the week I was there. I am not kidding..this is the most bizarre and greedy behavior I have ever experienced

SO I put an email out to brother's lawyer...basically a What the heck is going on..never got a response.

Now I am not a greedy person. I have always made in on my own, never have taken a handout in my life BUT this was beyond me.

I told hubby Karma will get them...

just received paperwork that they are selling the townhouse- appraised at $182K...split three ways..I will receive a check for $45k....um..wait..I know I only have my Masters degree but I think that is a little short changed...even after fees and the lawyer/broker takes their cut.

I told hubby I am taking it and getting the hell out of Dodge. I have already put their numbers on do not answer/reject on my phone, when we move, we can list take our address of records because hubby is a LEO...and I am finished.

Back to the original post- this is the crap I have been dealing with since I was 12. I was ALWAYS the 5th wheel, the black sheep. I was told by 2 other relatives (who don't know each other) my mother never wanted a 3rd child. She favored my brother and sister always. There was always some contempt towards me and I don't care what people say, children can feel it.

I do forgive them but I also have to say this- they knew what they were doing, my mom enjoyed being the martyr of the family and since I left CT 22 years ago, I was not there to defend myself, nor do I want to anywho. When you make a conscious decision to destroy someone, day in and day out, I don't buy the idea that she didn't know what she was doing. And that attitude and behavior was spread to my brother and sister--the entitlement, the way they treat me, etc...all learned from my mom.

When I went to my mom's memorial, my brother's kids were so rude to my son, I was in tears. And because of all the lies and BS my mother told, we were ignored by 99% of the people there. ONly our old neighbor and another family friend even talked to us, let alone offered condolences. It was so bad we ended up leaving 2 days earlier because no one cared that we were there and I was not going to allow my son to live in that crap.

It's hard..because people don't want to look at a MOM as anything less than a Queen on a pedestal but the reality is just because she was a mom doesn't mean anything. So that is my story. I am honestly telling my story in the hopes of helping someone else out.



Edited by - catscharm74 on Aug 20 2016 07:22:43 AM
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janamarieje
True Blue Farmgirl

850 Posts

Jana
Southern California
USA
850 Posts

Posted - Aug 20 2016 :  07:31:57 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Wow, I am speechless, as a mother this behavior is unbelievable and intolerable. Hugs to you for what you have endeared.

Jana
#7110
http://www.emhardt.com

Gardening is cheaper than therapy and you get tomatoes. ~Author Unknown
All I really need is love, but a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt! ~Charles Schulz
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catscharm74
True Blue Farmgirl

4687 Posts

Heather
Texas
USA
4687 Posts

Posted - Aug 20 2016 :  07:36:30 AM  Show Profile  Send catscharm74 a Yahoo! Message  Reply with Quote
Thanks Jana (love that name). I truly want to help other women who have gone through the same thing. By telling my story, I feel as though I am freeing myself and allowing others to do the same. And believe me, this is just the tip of the iceberg of what I have endeared.


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catscharm74
True Blue Farmgirl

4687 Posts

Heather
Texas
USA
4687 Posts

Posted - Aug 20 2016 :  07:37:50 AM  Show Profile  Send catscharm74 a Yahoo! Message  Reply with Quote
I want to also say that this is VERY narcissistic behavior and I am a pro at it in life now, detecting people with it before I friend them. I try to turn my experiences into something positive.


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janamarieje
True Blue Farmgirl

850 Posts

Jana
Southern California
USA
850 Posts

Posted - Aug 20 2016 :  07:44:59 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
You sound like such a special person who is growing from the past and determined to enjoy life while giving hope to others.



Jana
#7110
http://www.emhardt.com

Gardening is cheaper than therapy and you get tomatoes. ~Author Unknown
All I really need is love, but a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt! ~Charles Schulz
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catscharm74
True Blue Farmgirl

4687 Posts

Heather
Texas
USA
4687 Posts

Posted - Aug 20 2016 :  07:49:36 AM  Show Profile  Send catscharm74 a Yahoo! Message  Reply with Quote
Thanks Jana and I keep that quote on my desk. I am no more special than anyone else, just lucky to have been able to escape it all. :)


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ddmashayekhi
True Blue Farmgirl

4168 Posts

Dawn
Naperville Illinois
USA
4168 Posts

Posted - Aug 20 2016 :  10:01:56 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Heather, I sadly can identify completely with what you went through and how you were treated. I went through it myself going on 5 years ago. I mourn the person my mother could have been, not the person she was. The siblings were nightmares, even with my being my parents sole successor trustee and left solo in charge of everything, they ran off with everything they could before my mother's wake. Like you I had already built my own separate life and am much happier than I ever have been when my mother was alive. My dad died 10 weeks before her and there isn't a day that goes by that I think of and miss him. He put up with more than any human should have to from my mother. She truly was the death of him.

Be strong and listen to your own voice, that's the only one that matters in your life!

Dawn in IL

"We can complain because rose bushes have thorns, or rejoice because thorn bushes have roses." Abraham Lincoln
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