| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| batznthebelfry |
Posted - Jul 07 2012 : 04:44:01 AM
See bottom of page 2 for update
updated again today on page 2
ok my dear sweet hens this is serious to me so I need your honest opinion since I am going to make my hubby read these...no jokes please
how would you react if you find out a month later thur a bank statement your hubby spent $490 on a single mothers 17 yr old daug for graduation & never told you about it?
If it would hurt or upset you explain why.
if you think its no big deal explain that reason please.
needless to say I am very upset & have even thrown up over this last night cause he doesn't see anything wrong with what he did...the buying her this expensive gift or not telling me...or even sitting down with me & talking about her graduation & if we should do anything.....also this is not a gift from the 2 of us just him...and no it wasn't jewelry, it was so she & 11 of her friends can spend 30 mins in a machine that blows you into the air so its like sky diving.
& no he is not sleeping with this girl...mother would kill him & not sleeping with the mother but she is a very good friend of the hubby....so please tell me what you would do if this happened to you....Michele'
Chickens RULE!
ok hens I guess I should have said more about this cause of all your questions......
he has been unemployed since he got back from Afghanistan in Dec...we are unemployment at the moment & looks like we will be for a while...
We did talk last night & no knives or dishes were involved on my part nor was yelling, screaming or raising my voice...yes he knew when he bought the gift it was $490...he paid it right then & there with his debit card & got the receipt.
He thinks he did no wrong in this & that its no big deal...but for me it is huge...my wedding ring (which I had to buy) broke & 3 yrs ago I asked him to sometime get me a new one....well he never did & I had to fix it myself...in 22 yrs he has never bought me anything that expensive...the thing that bothers me is this is not the only time he has not told me things so when I find out its thur either someone else or a bill/statement & when I ask him about it its always he forgot to tell me........
Now if this had been a poor woman who didn't have a wonderful job(she does)plus she rents from her mother & he was helping with say rent, food or gas in her car that I could accept as even when we are low on funds we will help those around us & I re-budget everything to get us thur...that I have never minded as I know sometimes everyone needs a helping hand so we give that freely but we tell each other or I should say I tell him if I am doing it.
I am really lost about this & am so upset cause I am tired of the lies/hiding everything he does with me...I am a open book partly because lying kills me so I would rather tell the truth & get yelled at for that than hide it & it later get found out & a big explosion occur......I won't even tell a white lie...he broke me of that years ago.....
Its really not so much about the money as it is with a 17 yr old girl who is not his daug...he has never done anything like this for his step son who thinks of him as a dad......
this is more than I wanted to say to you all & there is even more but I think it will cause me to throw up again if I go beyond this...so now that you know what I have written....can you still be honest with me & tell me what I am feeling is wrong & I should let it go....Michele'
ok to answer some questions no this time around he does not have PTSD as he did when he came back form Iraq in 2005 & yes I made him go to the Army to help him thur it...I had honestly thought I had finally gotten the man I married back when he came home this time...the lying he has done has been going on for 22 yrs with me & this is just the straw that broke the camels back as my little sis would say....& yes I must say in all honesty I am very jeolous that this little girl gets more attention than i do from him... & no she is not his daug as someone asked she was 4 yrs old by the time he met the mother.....please note he is not doing anything perverted with this little girl & I have never thought that about him...if I ever had that come into my mind I would have been gone years ago.....he has never been alone with her in any way so I am not worried about that...
ok the comment about the hurricane thing...this is different & is for professions in the parachute community..I did go on line to check out the company & its prices...its set up for those who are also thinking of parachute jumping thats why this girl can do it with her friends....plus the hurricane one at your mall would run about $80 for 30 mins if its $8 for 3 mins....anyway thank you hens for telling me the truth of how you feel...it means the world to me & I have decided what to do which I may write about later but right now am just trying to deal with a very sick tummy over this....xoxo...
hen #2622
theoldbatzfarm.blogspot.com
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| 25 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| nabrown42 |
Posted - Jul 20 2012 : 1:06:28 PM
Michelle, you asked if I knew what was going on with your marriage so I read the thread...I'm so sorry for your pain but I think you are doing what's best for you. I've left two husbands with just the clothes on my back and while times were really hard, there is no money in the world that's more important than peace of mind. You are a very resourceful lady and will make it on your own. Good luck to you and the chicks. You have a very large number of sisters rooting for you. We're here in the good times but most importantly, in the challenging times.
"I've wept in the night for the shortness of sight that to someone's needs I've been blind; but I've yet to feel a twinge of regret for being a little too kind." |
| queenmushroom |
Posted - Jul 19 2012 : 08:32:59 AM
Sorry to hear about your separation. I pray that this all works out for you and your hubby.
Hugss
Lorie
Patience is worth a bushel of brains...from a chinese fortune cookie |
| beachymom |
Posted - Jul 13 2012 : 06:12:34 AM
YOU GO GIRL!!
You will always have all our prayers to help hold you up and our virtual arms to hug you close!!
Hugs and Squishies!!
Kathy
Farmgirl Sister #3983
Take care of the land and it will take care of you. |
| crafter |
Posted - Jul 12 2012 : 1:45:37 PM
Very well said Winona!! No reason to beat around the bush...I for one always felt it was my fault that I did something..you do have to look outside the box...see the facts and protect yourself!!!
Gernerosity is giving more than you can, and pride is taking less than you need! |
| goneriding |
Posted - Jul 12 2012 : 1:10:47 PM
Y'know, I've been thinking about this problem of his not speaking or letting you know what's on his mind. My ex ('dipsh**e' for short onliest I use the cruder term more often, just being nice on this board) was this sort. Come to find out, he had a lot of hide. He would get a look on his face and too late I figgered out he was scared witless I was close to figgering things out! Follow?? He almost had a double life, not quite, but pretty close. When I left, I'm pretty sure he breathed a bit sigh of relief. But for years, he led me to believe it was all my fault, when it wasn't. He had GUILT. Guilt comes from the outside. No shame (which comes from within your person) at all. I tore myself up for this worthless POS (can I say that??). So, depending on where you are with him, read all the posts again and really think outside the box about him. Go unemotional. See what happens, if you even care anymore to do so.
Another thing, when I left to drive a big rig, we had a verbal agreement about why I was leaving and about our son, who stayed with him. When things got tough between us, he 'forgot' all we'd agreed on and lied through his teeth. But, that was the sort of person he was in the first place, althought I couldn't see it for 'love'. So, yep, get an attorney and protect yourself first and foremost. Think of yourself!!
My website: http://antlersantiqueswindchimes.weebly.com
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| crafter |
Posted - Jul 12 2012 : 07:47:18 AM
keeping you in my prayers and close to my heart- such a hard situation!!
Lori
Gernerosity is giving more than you can, and pride is taking less than you need! |
| beachymom |
Posted - Jul 12 2012 : 06:14:44 AM
Glenda & MaryBeth are right. Take control and gather your troops. Don't disappear into the wilderness for more than a day or two or he could charge you with abandonment. Pull up your big girl panties and be the Farm Girl we know you can be.
Reach out to a lawyer asap and get into a support group for yourself. Start this now, or you'll just end up riding the tide when he starts it.
I thought that if you really wanted to work things out, you should try that. But if you are leaving then do it right, girl. Get the upper hand. Be strong. I know you can do it.
We'll all be right here to help you - in spirit, in prayer, in voice....whenever you need us.
We love you, sister. You are in our prayers.
Hugs and Squishies!!
Kathy
Farmgirl Sister #3983
Take care of the land and it will take care of you. |
| Okie Farm Girl |
Posted - Jul 11 2012 : 5:42:32 PM
Glenda, you said it just fine yourself! I have learned that two wrongs do not make a right. My husband, an alcoholic, left me for another woman after I tried everything in my power to shame and threaten him into being a 'good' husband, a 'sober' husband and a 'responsible' husband. All my manipulation got me was no husband. AlAnon taught me very valuable lessons about myself. I am now very happily married to a Christian man whose first wife was an addict. She left him, saying that she needed time away from him. She was gone long enough that he decided that he'd had enough. If she didn't want to live with him, then that was it. He filed for divorce. She had a boyfriend but all of a sudden decided that she wanted to work things out. My husband had had enough of the insanity. Men are egotistical critters and just don't cotton to being dumped, even if just for a year.
Mary Beth
www.OklahomaPastryCloth.com
www.Oklahomapastrycloth.com/blog
The Sovereign Lord is my strength - Habakkuk 3:19 |
| doll58maker |
Posted - Jul 11 2012 : 5:09:02 PM
Right on, Mary Beth you said it better than I did--I don't know you but we were thinking and typing the same thing in different words, dear sister.
Glenda #3534
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| Okie Farm Girl |
Posted - Jul 11 2012 : 5:03:34 PM
Michelle, I am going to be brutally honest too - I've been where you are and I feel that I would be irresponsible NOT to tell you the reality. You wrote that you do not want to divorce him but that he needs a year away from you. You may not want to divorce him, but he will divorce you if you are not there and in the process, he can charge you with abandonment. If you own part or all of your home and leave him in the house, then if there is a divorce, he can make the claim that you wanted no claim to the home or less than your fair share because you disappeared. If you leave your things there, he may see them, but he also may sell them or claim that they are his and he will have that right because you didn't file for separation or divorce. Leaving never, ever solves a problem. It only makes it worse. And we women don't leave in order to manipulate our men into behaving the way we think they should behave. That never works either. We come to a point when we have to decide what is the right thing for the marriage and for us and then we have to be willing to do whatever that takes. If we want the marriage, then we get counseling and get into a 12 step program. If we are done, then we go to an attorney and get correct information on what we need to do in order to take care of ourselves. I don't want to sound so harsh, but as I said, I've been there and know exactly what you are facing. Hugs to you.
Mary Beth
www.OklahomaPastryCloth.com
www.Oklahomapastrycloth.com/blog
The Sovereign Lord is my strength - Habakkuk 3:19 |
| doll58maker |
Posted - Jul 11 2012 : 5:02:34 PM
Michele--I was just "surfing" through some of the threads and came upon this one. I apologize in advance for butting in. I can tell I am a lot older than you and I was married to a Viet Nam vet for almost 20 years.
The one who said get to VA counseling was right on. I am wondering--are there any children involved, and, are you sure you still love this man. Is he sure he still loves you? Ask yourself, do you want change, or do you want out? If you want change, you need to work with him, not punish him. If you want out, go and take everything with you, don't plan to come back. What is his side of the story? Did he want to be found out? Didn't he know you would see the bank statement? What was the "friend" thinking to accept that kind of a gift from him? Have you discussed this with her? Is she your friend too, or just his? Are you prepared for what might happen if you follow through and leave? Make sure you aren't just punishing yourself with this hard life you are about to embark upon. Be prepared that when you leave, he might very well find someone else to fill your place, in your house, with your stuff. Don't assume you can come back if you want to. Some of these guys are so shut down emotionally as a self defense mechanism that they just go through the motions if you are not there, somebody else will be. Either get counseling and work with him, or get a lawyer and cover your ass. Keep in mind that nobody on here is a professional counselor, so all this is just our opinions. Never make permanent decisions while you are emotionally distraught. A year is pretty permanent. If he won't go to counseling, you go by yourself. You must have the answers to these questions before you make life altering decisions. Bless you, my dear girl, and good luck to you. I hope you have a mother you can talk to, or a sister, or a best friend. You need a support group, not isolation in some cold farm house.
Glenda #3534
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| Joey |
Posted - Jul 11 2012 : 4:25:15 PM
Oh Michelle, I am hugging you so tight. I am so sorry. I admire your courage. You need this time and I imagine he does too. My hopes and prayers will be with you. Take care, my dear sister and know EVERY DAY that you are in our thoughts and prayers and we are here for you even if yu can't keep in touch. We will welcome you back with big hugs whenever you return. Joey
Well behaved women rarely make history. |
| magnoliakathy |
Posted - Jul 11 2012 : 11:59:06 AM
I will be brutally honest here. Do you know if he has any savings, life insurance, or other money? Who is the beneficiary? A friend of mine found out 2 days after her hubby died from a heart attack that he had left $250,000 to a female friend. He swore up and down for years they were "only friends" and within 6 months of his death my poor friend found out he had 2 more girl friends on the side.
All of the rest of us friends were in shock, we never dreamed he had other women on the side.
Even if this gift was "innocent" it is totally inappropriate
Find out where you stand girl, and cover your butt.
When you free your mind your heart can fly. Farmgirl # 714, |
| delicia |
Posted - Jul 11 2012 : 08:33:33 AM
Michelle, You are in my thoughts all the time. I hope that you have a peace about what is to come, and I am so happy that your sisters are going to be with you. |
| Emily Anna |
Posted - Jul 11 2012 : 07:15:54 AM
Oh, Michele. I'm so sorry. I know this has been a very difficult and painful decision for you. I think in the end, it's a good thing. I think you both need to step away from the situation so it's easier for you to think with clear heads. It breaks my heart that he didn't say anything when you said you were leaving. I will keep you in my prayers.
Emily |
| goneriding |
Posted - Jul 11 2012 : 07:13:43 AM
I am so sorry it has come to this point, but, in my gut, I know you're doing the right thing for yourself. You don't sound like you're bitter or angry, just hurt. It's okay to be bitter and angry, don't let it consume you, which you don't sound like at this point. As for him not saying a word, it probably hasn't sunk in and/or he's flummoxed himself, deep inside. Doesn't know what to say or do as he still doesn't think he did anything wrong. He'll have to get with the program pretty quick (a year is way more than enough time) or risk it all. My thoughts are with you and I see good things in the future for you!! :-)
My website: http://antlersantiqueswindchimes.weebly.com
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| rphelps4 |
Posted - Jul 11 2012 : 06:41:56 AM
I am so sorry things have come to this, but you have to think of yourself and do what keeps you whole and healthy. I wish you the very best and will keep you in my prayers, maybe the hens you keep in touch with can keep the rest of us updated, I will miss your post. Namaste Roxanna |
| annielaurel |
Posted - Jul 11 2012 : 05:10:34 AM
God bless you Michele. My prayers for you will continue. Your are making a wise decision and we are here for you. I know all will turn out for the best for you. I know this is a sad time for you and I wish we could all give you a great big hug.
Hugs,
Nancy
Farmgirl Sister #2301
Make everyday a celebration of the heart. |
| batznthebelfry |
Posted - Jul 11 2012 : 04:16:41 AM
update....I have to say thank you very much to all of you....Even after talking he still thinks he did no wrong or how much this last hiding/lie hurt me...I even called his father yesterday to asked how his Mother would react to something like this if his dad did it & was told she would be upset also.........so I am not alone with feeling pain over this....
Now I have told the 2 hens I am very close to but I have decided after 22 yrs of lies/hiding I am leaving him for a year......I am not divorcing him because I feel maybe the time of 1 yr he will have the ability to hopefully work out why he has to lie/hide things from me & that being separated from me is not what he wants............At the end of this month he will be gone for 6 weeks to a military class & then my 2 sisters come for our reunion so I will leave after that time...........I am not packing up the house as I want him to see me each day thur the things we have in the house but will take the things I need/want to get me thur...clothes,sewing,jewelry making & of coarse all the chicken stuff & 2 of the cats who only like me...they would not do well since they won't get near anyone else & would be 1/2 wild by the time I got back if I decide to come back.
I have a friend who has a old farm in upper NY state that they are not living in that I have asked to rent for $100 a month since they need someone there to watch over the place & do minor work there...set up garden areas, clean out old barns & building, get compost areas set up ect....I feel that this would help me as I would keep my mind & hands busy plus tire me so I can sleep at night...I can also have the chickens there who I just can't walk away from..specially my injured ones.....If I go there or anywhere I will not have internet so I will greatly miss the hens who I visit with here...you have all make my life so much more than it has ever been but I am thankful for all of you.....I at least have the addresses of 2 of the dear hens so I can write, which I love to do so I will not feel alone & they can keep you up to date on me until I am either back here or go on somewhere else.
This is very hard for me heart wise, I waited 13 yrs after my 1st hubby died to remarry thinking the love I had for this man would never be tested to the point is is now....no matter how much I talk or ask questions of him I get no answers...even when I said I was leaving he never said a word...never said he was sorry for hurting me that is why I decided I had to go for a while....Now I do love him but love without trust is not something I can accept anymore.......I let it go all these years but now I have had enough.........Since he is unemployed I will have to live on maybe $400 a month but that is ok as long as I can buy chicken feed I am good to go....I have a few years of bulk foods I can take with me so I won't starve & will have plenty of eggs form the kids.....I have decided if all I have is cold running water I can make it since I have lived without electricity/heat ect before & made it...water I need specially for the kids...I am also cashing in one of the teacher retirements of $2000 I have as a back up for me....anyway its been a hard decision for me to come to but I want you all to know I will be fine....I will keep you updated until I can't on this section.....xoxo...Michele'
Reply to added questions on page 3
Ok first let me say I am not punishing him by doing this...nor am I punishing myself by leaving. also he will not leave here he has said its his house, he pays the mortgage so he is not going so its me who has to leave...plus to be honest I prefer to be the one to leave for a while.
Also with some of the comments I need to be open about this...I went thur this with my 1st hubby who left me for my best friend...I knew months in advance he was having an affair but turned a blind eye to it cause I was young(21) with a 2 yr old boy & after being dumped in & out of foster homes didn't want to feel that again so allowed him to do what he wanted just so I had a family... I let him take our son, house & everything but what I brought into that marriage at 18, then he was in a motorcycle wreck & died & his parents took my son by court along with everything else but what was with me...so I have been thur alot of this already & am prepared for it...ok maybe not prepared but no longer have blinders on.
I am going to notify our banks where our checking accts are as well as the Army Reserves to let them know that we will be living apart for 1 yr but that I am still his wife & to not close any accts without me being there in person or for the military to change any paper work without me being there to consent to the changes. I will have these done with a notary(sp?) so there is no mistake that it is not me doing this.
As for the stuff in the house..I do not care about any of it except my family photos & genealogy which I will take with me...most of the stuff is things I have carried around since college so they are not of worth or memories.....Everything expensive or fancy was bought by me for him anyway so if he wants to get rid of everything then I will know the marriage is beyond repair.....The only thing we own that is jointly is the car, I protected him by not putting my name on anything..house included because of my student loans....so I really have no claim to anything unless I take it with me...
I am glad you all have been honest, yes some of it hurt & is painful but I try so hard to live an honest life so I am thankful you all were that honest with me.
Counciling is out...he will not do it cause its a mark on his military but if its something like PTSD then he will go but I can honestly say this is not PTSD.....I understand the need for counciling but right now for one of the 1st times in my life I am thinking clear headed & not afraid of the outcome of this....I am not jumping the gun or going off half cocked as I did when younger in pain & confused...though in pain, heart sick I understand what I have to do for me...I am not a people person anymore & the idea of being out somewhere by myself is not to bury myself but to be able to honestly see what my heart & mind are telling me is the next step...so do not think I am running away.
I am not worried at being 53 & not making it on my own...some people can't handle the thought of going from middle class to dirt poor again but I am one who can & not see it as a problem....there is no fear here about that if it comes....I think I was a warrior in a past life
I have taken into account every word you have all written to make sure I am doing what I need for me & I am glad so many of you have given other ideas to me to help me thur this.........I have until the middle of Sept to work out where I am going, doing ect...but even if I live in a barn or shack as long as I have the chickens with me or at least my injured ones I will be content to go on.....Life has taught me that I will be where I need to be & doing what I need to do...whether its good or not......they are life lessons I have to go thur to get to where I am suppose to be.....& no I am not wearing rose tented glasses I just get that life is not always what we want it to be but we will get thur it if we are strong...Michele'
update on questions again..lol
someone asked about the money here so just to let you know i am in control of the money except for his parachute packing money...even though we are on unemployment i told him to keep that money to repair his own parachute & to use it to jump with on the weekend while he is packing parachutes...but the agreement was if he wasn't using it for that to bring it home so we could use it for bills, food, gas,ect to help us out while money is tight....as for getting an attorney I don't have that kind of money anywhere to do that....I do know this could go very wrong & I would be the one who would be hurt by it in the end but I am not ready to just completely walk away yet without giving him time to see if he wants it to continue........I have learned in life that sometimes you just have to do things the way you feel you want them to go & this is how I feel I need this to go right now......you all may think I am being stupid or crazy with all of how I am handling this...that I am setting myself up for a big hurt...but to tell you I can't be hurt anymore than I already am.
Chickens RULE!
hen #2622
theoldbatzfarm.blogspot.com |
| FarmDream |
Posted - Jul 10 2012 : 07:02:38 AM
Sarah- My DH and I love that movie Gaslight! Just thought I'd mention it in case some ladies here don't know it's an old black and white movie with Ingrid Bergman(?) and Angela Lansbury. The plot is as you described above. We watch it at least once a year.
~FarmDream is Farmgirl Sister #3069
Live Today, Cherish Yesterday, Dream Tomorrow
http://www.etsy.com/shop/BitsofEntropy?ref=si_shop
http://julie-rants.blogspot.com |
| beachymom |
Posted - Jul 10 2012 : 07:00:01 AM
Oh, Michele...I wish I could pull you into a great big group hug. You need lots of love and I think you should take a couple of days away from the situation.
Go for a drive to a state park and just set up a little camp under a tree. Just you and God. Pour out your heart to Him and wait for some kind of answer.
Then, go back to your husband, give him a long meaningful embrace. Then explain to him that you can no longer let him be responsible for the money in your marriage. Take over that responsibility. Take away his credit cards and bank books and checks.
Be prepared for tantrums and maybe even those plate tossing/breaking. Stand your ground. Tell him your marriage needs some repairing and he has to help. Don't give him any "choose either her or me" kind of statement. Never try to force a choice. Just be straight, honest and true. But, you have to be committed to saving your marriage and explain it to him too.
The only choice here is yours. What will you do? We can only give you ideas of what we would do. The final choice is up to you. Take your time, discuss the options with yourself, then make your choice.
I will be praying for you to have strength and patience.
Hugs and Squishies!!
Kathy
Farmgirl Sister #3983
Take care of the land and it will take care of you. |
| SarahJ |
Posted - Jul 10 2012 : 06:20:11 AM
The other ladies have given you great advice, and i just want to add that there is something VERY WRONG with this situation. Your instincts are going off for a reason. If I have any advice, it's not to let your husband "gaslight" you. Don't let him convince you that you are crazy, or reading too much into things, or convince you that this is all in your head. His actions are inappropriate. He may not be having a physical affair, but I certainly think there is an innappropriate emotional connection if he spends like that on an aquaintance, but never his own family.
SarahJ
Farmgirl Sister #116
http://bayoumama.wordpress.com/ |
| rphelps4 |
Posted - Jul 09 2012 : 10:08:33 PM
I understand why you are so upset and would wonder if there is more going on there than what you know, but I also wonder if the PTSD could explain his actions. I agree with Mara you should talk to someone at the VA and see if they could give you some insight. I work with a lady who's husband returned home with some very strange behavior, that they have never had to deal with after 20 plus years of marriage. I hope everything works it's self out for you and your husband. |
| Rosemary |
Posted - Jul 09 2012 : 9:12:28 PM
There have been so many good posts here, with a lot of valid advice. The only thing I can add is that sometimes, soldiers who return from combat zones actually miss the adrenalin rush of the constant danger they left behind. It is oddly calming to them, when under stress, to generate their own danger to get that rush back. Unemployment certainly qualifies as stressful. Just something to think about. It might be helpful for you to study up on PTSD if you haven't already dont that. You might learn about typical symptoms that match some of your husband's behavior. If so, you might want to recommend the two of you go to a counselor with experience in helping families cope with the emotional fallout from combat service. Services should be available for you at no, or very low, cost. |
| alterationsbyemily |
Posted - Jul 09 2012 : 6:12:33 PM
490 on a Hurricane simulator? We have one at our mall and it is 8 dollars for three minutes...
Something doesn't add up.
I can only say I will pray for you and your family and I hope things turn out for the best.
---
Farmgirl #2951
No longer renting, offical farmgirl.
Check out my new blog at http://simpileeliving.blogspot.com/
And my new Etsy listings http://www.etsy.com/shop/alterationsbyemily |
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