| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| showmemom |
Posted - Aug 21 2005 : 4:20:53 PM
hey friends-i just need to bounce some things off you.
we had lunch with our oldest daughter and her fiance this afternoon and as always, things started ok but then quickly went down hill. my daughter and i have been pretty close until she married 3 yrs ago, a not good man who hit her (marriage was against our wishes). she wasn't married long (thank goodness) and there weren't any children (again, thank goodness) and she seems to have recovered from that really bad experience.
she met this new man about 13 months ago and they became engaged-he's a good guy (a farmer!) and he's good to her and to us, so no problems there. but problems between she and i really started bubbling shortly after they announced their engagement. he has not been married before so wants the church and the big dress-the whole nine yards, which she also had the first time. we paid for everything the first time and after talking it over w/my DH, told her we would pay for her dress and give them X amount of dollars but weren't going to pay for the whole thing. she seemed ok at first but now, everytime we're together, she manages to say things like "oh, you have money to buy xyz for zeb (her brother) or grace (her sister-both still at home) but can't pay for my wedding. she always says she's teasing but after awhile, it's not very funny. and she's not mad at her dad-it's all directed towards me!
trying not to be overly sensitive but i feel like the baseball after she's been up to bat all day! (not a very good analogy, but oh well)
the thing is-i love her more than anything but am coming to almost dread being with her-i end up with a raging headache and a sore tongue after they're here.
is this just growing pains? or do you think she really is p*****at me and is determined to make me pay?
talk to you soon.
karen
Laughter is the sun that drives winter from the human face.
Victor Hugo |
| 13 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| LJRphoto |
Posted - Oct 10 2005 : 8:59:25 PM
Next time she makes a snide comment about what you have money to buy for your children who are still at home I would simply point out that you also provided for her when she was a child. Sometimes when we've made mistakes that our parents knew were mistakes before we made them we feel shame when there is reason to feel those things again (like remarrying). Maybe she is going through a rough time because of having to revisit and be reminded of those mistakes.
"Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it's time to pause and reflect." -Mark Twain
http://ljrenterprises.blogspot.com/ |
| greyghost |
Posted - Aug 23 2005 : 04:43:36 AM
I'm with WhimsyGirl - I'm also in my 20s and I didn't expect my folks to pay for my wedding. We halfved the cost as much as possible, I was fresh out of college and didn't have any money. I made my wedding dress!
Grown kids expecting their parents to pay for things really bothers me. I want to yell at them - "HELLO! You're an adult now - they paid for everything for you for 18 years and you think you deserve more?" Jeez, if I had raised kids and finally had money in my pockets, I think it would be past time for me to go have some fun with the money I'm not spending on groceries, clothes and schoolbooks for twerps. |
| therusticcottage |
Posted - Aug 22 2005 : 09:49:08 AM
Karen -- I agree with everyone else that you should sit down with your daughter and have a talk about the situation. If left undone, it can fester and put a damper on your relationship for years to come.
As far as you paying for the wedding -- here's my take on it. My first wedding was a church wedding with the dress, etc which my parents and in-laws helped pay for. The next time I got married I figured it was my responsibility to take care of whatever wedding I wanted to have. I would never have thought of asking my parents to pay again. Decide what you are willing to pay for (if at all), let your daughter know, then stick to your guns. You are not responsible for how she reacts to your decision. Nor do you "owe" her another wedding -- she is choosing to do the big wedding thing, not you.
"If you are lucky enough to have a garden, you are lucky enough!" |
| lurban |
Posted - Aug 22 2005 : 09:06:43 AM
I'm sure your husband is right. She's wigging about all the uncertainty and she's focusing all that fear on you. I'm embarrassed to say that I have done this to my mom as well (not in the wedding zone, I paid for that myself, but in other ways). I'm sure that all the mature people who tell you to talk about your feelings are right. But if it were me, and I really thought this behavior would begin and end with the wedding, I would practice classic avoidance and maybe talk about it in a couple of years -- before the first baby comes and the whole things starts over again! |
| Kim |
Posted - Aug 22 2005 : 08:58:23 AM
I agree, you should let her know how this makes YOU feel . I too would NEVER ask my parents for another wedding. I would be taken aback with their generosity if they were to offer money or a dress?!?! Seeing as my dress cost me $163 (off the rack, sale, needed very few alterations) things can be done very beautifully on a budget. I would be happy to just have my parents support.
farmgirl@heart
Be at peace with yourself and the rest will follow |
| jpbluesky |
Posted - Aug 22 2005 : 06:21:14 AM
Karen -I think I know why you hate confrontation with your daughter - we do not want to have confrontations with our children because deep down we are afraid of losing them! We love them so deeply and want their happiness first.
Your daughter must have sensed, or known outright, that you did not want the first marriage to happen, yet you paid for it. She knows this time you are happy for her, and therefore may want to "take care" of the expenses to marry the man that you agree is the right one for her. I am glad he is good to you guys, and I hope he treats her like gold.
Just keep restating that she can have the dress she will look beautiful in, and that she can use your additional contribution to go a along way if carefully spent, and that you are also there to support her in the planning and the details and the work. Then perhaps ask her "Do you think that we are not being fair in our contribution? Do you think you should not have to help also? If so, let's talk about it and get it out in the open. I want you to have a wonderful wedding day. I love you."
jpbluesky
heartland girl |
| showmemom |
Posted - Aug 22 2005 : 04:41:50 AM
good morning friends-
thanks for all the good advice-sometimes in this situation, even when i know i'm doing the right thing by standing my ground and not giving in to her anger and manipulation (because that's what this is, right?), i find my self just wanting to give in so there's not so much tension. but know that would be wrong for all of us-thanks for the support, though.
and you're right, whimsy girl-she's in her mid-20's and finding her way. this parenting of adult kids is hard,hard, hard.
her dad thinks the root of this is fear-fear that she's making a mistake again, fear of the future-you name it. he's a pretty perceptive guy so maybe that's it.
why do i hate confrontation with these kids so much? have no problem w/my DH (ha!) or in work/school relationships. maybe i'm just a big wimp!
anyway, thanks for letting me rant on. i need to remind myself that i can control only myself and my own attitude and just go on-i just imagined my life with my adult kids so differently-think i need to let go of that norman rockwell picture and face up to what it is-good and bad.
everyone have a great day and thanks again.
talk to you soon.
karen
Laughter is the sun that drives winter from the human face.
Victor Hugo |
| ThymeForEweFarm |
Posted - Aug 22 2005 : 04:13:05 AM
I agree with Clare too. The sooner this is solved the better.
Parents don't owe their daughters a wedding. It's a gift given by choice, not a debt collected by manipulation. The sooner it's nipped in the bud the less likely it is to happen again. Being a parent is too hard some days. ((hugs))
Robin
www.thymeforewe.com |
| bramble |
Posted - Aug 21 2005 : 7:02:20 PM
Karen-- I agree with Clare, this is not going to become anything more than worse if you don't deal with the situation sooner than later. Look how upset you are now and nothing is going to stop the "barbs" at you until you do. Maybe you could sit down with her without the guys and tell her you are feeling that she is showing you some
behavior that's making you uncomfortable. Perhaps you could also tell her that although you support her decision to remarry(If you really do...) that you and her father feel that the big expense you incurred with the first marriage, unfortunately you can't go that route this time as you have two other children at home who deserve the opportunities that she was given before she left home. I think you are being quite generous in your offer to both buy the dress and give a cash sum. I was approaching 28 when we got married and never expected our parents to pay for it and it was a first marriage for both of us. We just felt as though we had been independent and on our own for some time and we were planning a wedding that was our own responsibility. We both were employed and doing fine so it was a no brainer for us. Making those choices also made our choices for the reception more responsible since we were paying for it! It's alot easier to spend someone else's money! Maybe the situation with your daughter is one of maturity, maybe one where she truly doesn't understand why you are not so willing to dive into "the deep end "
this time. My Mom once told me the hardest thing about being a parent was knowing when to say no and letting you find out that she was right all on your own. Smart Mom, huh? I wish you good luck and a peaceful resolution soon, it's the fairest thing for both of you..
with a happy heart |
| TheSoapMaven |
Posted - Aug 21 2005 : 6:51:40 PM
I am with Clare on this. Things fester if they arent addressed pretty quickly. I know you can do it nicely. Just tell her exactly what you told us. You paid for one. And one's all you will pay for. Honestly I wouldnt think she would really expect it. I know how you feel about loving them so much, but you still have to set limits - even after they are grown sometimes.
Blessings to all of you.
Susan
Proprietress of Dahlem's Soapworks http://www.thesoapmaven.com
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| Whimsy_girl |
Posted - Aug 21 2005 : 5:59:44 PM
If I ever remarried I wouldn't DREAM of asking the 'rents to pay for it the second time!!! She is damn lucky that you are buying the dress and contributing any money! If she can't be grateful for what you are giving her she's just acting like a pouty brat!!
Sorry if I come across rather harsh here but I'm in my 20's so I'm willing to bet she is REALLY close to my age. I guess I should put this on the venting board but I gotta tell you that when I see grown women still using their parents when they are at a point in their live to take over, it really makes my hackles go up.
She should realize she is a grown up now and can't go running to mom when she wants money for stuff, just because she messed up the first time!
Grr!
you can be oh so smart, or you can be oh so positive. I wasted a lot of time being smart I prefer being positive. |
| quiltedess |
Posted - Aug 21 2005 : 4:39:43 PM
Karen: If I were you I would do my best to ignore her "teasing". Yes, she is probably mad, but someday she will come to realize that she made her decisions and has to live with them. You and your hubby are being very generous. She just needs to grow up some more. When she starts to figure out that she's been misbehaving, she will be grateful for your forgiveness.
Been there, done that, have the t-shirt! And my kids still love me, and I them. They're starting to "get it" but it's taken a while, and I still get a headache once in a while. It is definately growing pains, and it does seem to be more difficult these days to grow up. Patience will be your best friend.
Nancy |
| Clare |
Posted - Aug 21 2005 : 4:34:01 PM
You need to confront her Karen. Tell her what you are feeling (never use YOU this or that), about what she accuses you of. Tell her that you must make the choices that you feel are best for you and your family. Tell her that her accusations are hurtful to you and unacceptable, and that you two together must find a more efficient way to communicate. And above all that you love her. By confronting her it will make her think about what is bothering her and also let her know that you have boundaries that are to be respected as well.
Good luck.
**** Love is the great work - though every heart is first an apprentice. - Hafiz
Set a high value on spontaneous kindness. - Samuel Johnson****
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