| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| greyghost |
Posted - Oct 17 2005 : 06:29:57 AM
I put this under "family matters" because it is a matter between DH and myself - a difference of opinion about some folks we know, who invited themselves over this past weekend.
You may know our living situation. Much improved now we are in a nearly finished 400 sq. ft. place, still no counter or kitchen sink, but we are finally living like normal people otherwise. Just moved in the weekend before the one we just had.
These folks we know... old neighbors from our old neighborhood. Good neighbors, a little rednecky, she was always so quiet I never got to know her too well, he's big, loud, boisterous and very opinionated. And a few times a day... downright rude.
However, we always helped them with their house projects, and in turn he always came and helped us with ours. So we forgave him his faults, played with his 2 little kids, tried to get conversation out of his wife, and had dinner at each other's houses often.
Now he and I had it out almost the first time we were at his house. He and my husband were in the yard talking, and he hollers to me to run to the store and get some more beer. Well there were other guests, so I pretended I had not heard that... I could not believe I had heard that... and a few minutes later he says "Lynn, if it's a problem, my wallet is in my truck, go get us some beer." I look at my husband, sitting there with a beer (he rarely has any), finally this guy looks at DH and says "Hey, what's wrong with your wife?" I'm watching to see what kind of man I married, and bless him, he says "She isn't that kind of woman." After a few more small deals like that, he came to respect me and since he was more colorful than his wife, I hung out more with him and DH in the backyard in our little get-togethers.
Fast forward to 7 months ago, our home was due to close in a week and we were moving away. Having our last dinner at his house. He BLEW UP at his wife for not having all the dishes clean. I mean, 4-letter loud, abusive, horrible language. This is a BIG MAN. 6'4", at least 350 pounds. I looked at his kids at the table, calmly eating dinner. Obviously it happened a lot, the kids were not upset at all! Suddenly his wife's quietness made a lot of sense. I got between them and shoved him out the door, where my hubby went and talked to him and I talked to her.
Now this weekend - they just invite themselves up here. They don't have the money for a hotel (they make 3x what we do), they have a big dog, bigger than my 2. We let them have our bed, fixed a spot on the floor for the kids, I took the couch and DH took another spot on the floor. The dog, oh no, cannot stay in our other house, has to stay with them. So now we have 4 adults, 2 little kids, and 3 dogs in 400 square feet for the weekend. They don't want my fresh from scratch chicken noodle soup, they want steaks on the grill. Fine, DH goes to the store and gets steaks. While there, he winds up paying for FOUR CASES of beer for this guy to drink, plus we had bought stuff for the kids to drink and kid-type meals because we all know, kids are finicky.
The rest of it is all little stuff, but I find myself feeling very resentful toward this guy, very much taken advantage of by both of them (little things that she just took and used, and even took home with her). Not a finger lifted to help keep things picked up, or help us wash dishes in the bathroom sink... I was not raised that way.... We live in a small town, and he was very rude in the little restaurant down the street. I am so embarrassed, I don't hardly want to go back, even someone I know from the Garden Club pretended to hardly know me!
I feel you are known and judged by the company you keep, and I right now want nothing more to do with these folks. DH still feels like we owe them for the help they gave us (um, we helped them too? Please tell me we are even now????). Neither of us makes friends easily and we have not had time to make many friends here yet, so that plays a part as well.
Any advice for me? Just cool my heels for a while? Say nothing? Even DH says he was embarrassed a few times this weekend, I hate to think what our neighbors are thinking now too - I have beer bottles all over my backyard to go pick up - he just throws them anywhere even though I provided a bucket!
-madder than a wet hen in GA |
| 14 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| greyghost |
Posted - Feb 27 2006 : 06:04:11 AM
I was surprised to see this thread back up this morning!
Not much has really happened. We have annoying phone calls with these folks from time to time, I just let hubby do most of the talking because it's all a "I make so much money and I have a big pool and a big house and blahblahblah" - but they couldn't "afford" to get a hotel or buy their own beer while they were up here... No major blowups or anything. DH knows I am irritated and I think he is too, and only just starting to admit it.
We have met nice people around here. The chiro in town is nice, we hang out with him and his wife from time to time. Our neighbors are great, we have dinner with them once a month or so, take turns as to whose house it is. I think all will be fine over time and we can leave these other folks behind. |
| Horseyrider |
Posted - Feb 20 2006 : 05:00:18 AM
Hmmm.... I see that this thread has been brought up from several months ago. Lynn, whatever happened with all this? What a distasteful situation!
Personally, I get rid of people like this in my everyday life faster than last night's garbage. Since we can't change other people, I surround myself only with people I can respect. I'd rather be alone and hiring help in than be involved with people like this. Ugh.
"What another would do as well as you, do not do it. What another would have said as well as you, do not say it; written as well, do not write it. Be faithful to that which exists nowhere but in yourself, and there, make yourself indispensable." ---Andre Gide |
| Frankenblonde |
Posted - Feb 19 2006 : 7:36:13 PM
Had these people made an earnest effort to be friends, the advice would be different, but I have to agree with the ladies. These people are users! Even the timid wife seems to be joining in with her rude manners. Yes, this family is toxic to you and yours, and you owe them nothing. A true friendship has no debt.
Pray for good people to spend your time with, and don't just take anyone who comes around for company. I live far from town, too, and I hunger for company besides the kids and animals (my hubby works 12-hour shifts) but I won't settle for anybody. My family and our time is worth more than that! I wish you and I lived close; we could visit and have tea. 
We can hope these people learn to act thoughtfully, but they won't change as long as they're comfortable with their actions. We can't always save everybody, and letting them act that way is only enabling them. We can pray for them, but not let them step all over us (Jesus was no doormat!).
"Better is a dry morsel, and quietness therewith, than an house full of sacrifices with strife." ~ Prov. 17:1
Take care, and enjoy your new home!
“Always know in your heart that you are far bigger than anything that can happen to you.”
~ Dan Zadra, Chicken Soup for the Country Soul
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| lareyna |
Posted - Oct 24 2005 : 5:16:38 PM
Don't take this the wrong way,,,,,,, I learned many many things from my very wise mother,,,,,,,,,,,,,many were adages, one comes to mind, You lay down with dogs, you're gonna get fleas
http://bumpercrop.blogspot.com/
I was Country before Country was COOL |
| prairiemaid |
Posted - Oct 24 2005 : 3:49:18 PM
Chock one up for lesson learned. Cool your heels and try to get them out of your head! It amazes me what poor etiquette some people have. These weren't "guests" ,they were intruders!
I'd say GOODBYE to the old and HELLO to the new (neighbors).
Call me old fashioned. |
| Kim |
Posted - Oct 23 2005 : 07:41:03 AM
I agree. These people, especially the husband are toxic. You DO NOT need to have them in your life anymore. I say that exchanging the help on the homes is enough and you are no longer obligated. They are users. I feel sorry for her and the kids need to learn that their father shows no respect for their mom and she needs to get away.
She may not though. My former sister in law spent a LONG time with her abusive husband before she finally got the nerve to break free. Professional liken it to post traumatic stress syndrome, similar to what our veterens go through.
farmgirl@heart
Be at peace with yourself and the rest will follow |
| hapyhrt |
Posted - Oct 22 2005 : 07:22:50 AM
"Friends"? I though friendship meant caring about others and enjoying their companionship. This guy sounds like a big bully who likes to order others around for his own use. As for the wife, the best talk anyone could have with her would be to tell her it's time she stood up for herself and the kids. IF she's unable to do so then perhaps she needs to think about going into therapy to help her open up and stop the emotional/verbal abuse from her mean spirited husband. Bullies aren't strong at all, they're weak and feel inferior to others that's why they try to control and bully people around!
As far as being "known by the company you keep", this is so true. I know it as "guilty by association" and believe me the end results are never pleasant for you. Many people don't look with their eyes but they do listen with their ears and what they hear often overrides the plain truth stares them in the face. Do yourself a favor, cut the ties and form new friendships with people who know how to be friends, not bullies, users or abusers!
Knock at the door or phone call from them??? "Oops!, sorry we're busy, goodbye!" is all that need be said! Good luck!
"Think happy thoughts...any others aren't worth your time!" Ü |
| sleepless reader |
Posted - Oct 17 2005 : 7:48:47 PM
Keep her in your prayers and the next time they suggest a visit, have previous plans!!! Good luck.
Sharon
Life is messy. Wear your apron! |
| westernhorse51 |
Posted - Oct 17 2005 : 5:55:22 PM
Lynn, it's so hard when faced with that kind of problem. I have been in that situation and did the same thing, gave up the bed, had the two cats and dog, fed everyone etc. I did however dissolve the friendship. I hated all the drinking and didnt want my daughter around the abuse, in this case it was verbal but to me, it's still abuse. I felt bad but I feel I did the right thing. My husband & I discussed it and we feel it was the right choice. It is never an easy decision. Michele
she selects wool and flax and works with eager hands Prov.31:13 |
| greyghost |
Posted - Oct 17 2005 : 09:12:36 AM
Thanks girls.
If it were not for them coming, we were going to try out a new church in the area this weekend. We may have met some nice new people! This guy has ridiculed us for going to church in the past - and DH does not wish to offend, plus he just likes to see the good in people.
But I, right now, do not feel like these people were acting as our friends. I feel like we were a free vacation for them, aside from gas. DH and I are very careful with money, and while we are not hurting for it and could afford to spend $200 making them comfortable, I felt like it was an invasion, not really a friendly visit.
Other than our interest in remodeling, and DH's current misery with his job matching this guy's misery with his (oh, and the love of football), we really have NOTHING in common. They like beer. We like wine. They like red meat, we like pasta. They don't walk or ride bicycles or even walk their dog - I walk 2 hours a day (well, before I hurt the back) and we used to ride every weekend (early marraige, and want to get back into it!), and walk our dogs every evening. We plan for our future all the time, they live check to check (and not very well - for 3x the income, they have far less $$ on hand than we do). I always have to be careful what topics come up or offering my opinion on something... He even had the gall to tell me one of my friends is a snob! Well, no, she isn't, but he was acting as low-class as you can get and she is college educated and likes to be more "modern" with everything, so that's why he got that impression.
I did apologize to one of our neighbors already. She said she hadn't really noticed anything and hadn't been bothered by the campfire in the backyard. The others I'll be making some kind of yummy to bring over later.
I suppose, over time, I'll just get DH new friends. I'm inviting some folks over later this week... |
| katie-ell |
Posted - Oct 17 2005 : 08:28:22 AM
How can they possibly have thought that you would have room for them, kids, dog when you are only living in 400 sq ft? Katie bar the door!! Don't let yourself be taken advantage of any more. I agree with the previous posts -- take control of the situation.
Look at organizations/churches/etc in your new area where you can make new friends. You'll have to put yourself out there and show yourself friendly and willing to be part of the community. And maybe drop by the neighbors with a little 'apology' cake -- 'I'm sorry if our houseguests this past weekend were loud/rude/messy. We are unhappy with their behavior and want you to know that. Here's some applecake for your family to enjoy.' I'm no wordsmith, but you get the idea.
Put on the kettle and have a cup of tea. :) |
| LisaBee |
Posted - Oct 17 2005 : 08:19:47 AM
Take away any feeling of obligation and ask yourself if, under any other circumstance, are these people ones you would want to be friends with? If yes, then pursue the friendship. If no, then break the awkward ties and move on. Two things come to mind when reading your post - friends are people who you enjoy sharing time with, and you definitely don't sound like you were enjoying yourself or your weekend. And, secondly, I agree with Kay...sounds like you are making new ties and a new life. Unfortunately, the old saying is true...you are judged by the company you keep. Hope it all clears up...maybe BlueEggBabe can write you a funny story about your weekend and you can look at it all and laugh. (She has a way with words, and I bet would see a lot of humor in this!)
"There is no teacup too large, nor book too long." |
| RachelLeigh |
Posted - Oct 17 2005 : 08:08:48 AM
This man is obviously abusive. He treats his wife like a floorboard so naturally he thinks he can order you around just the same. I know it's sometimes hard to be mean to someone but you need to cut them out of your lives. They are users. Next time they show up, you can simply tell them, "I'm sorry, had we known you were coming, we would have made arrangements. You can visit for a while and then we'll make plans for a future visit." I would definitely take control of the situation. This guy sounds like a nut!
http://countrydreamer.blogspot.com/
Colliehaven's Farmgirls - southern IN chapter |
| therusticcottage |
Posted - Oct 17 2005 : 07:52:38 AM
Lynn -- sounds like you had quite the weekend! I've had "friends" like this in the past and they can be a challenge. I never like to think that I'm obligated to my friends ro they are obligated to me. If they are true friends you just do for them and they do for you because that's part of the relationship. But it sounds like you've more than paid them back if you feel that is necessary. Since you don't live near them anymore it should be easier to break off the relationship. If they call to invite themselves to your house you could just have other plans or be busy. If this happens often enough then eventually they will get the hint. They sound like the type that will take advantage of a good thing, i.e. coming to your house on the weekends for steak and free beer!
These people are in your past and it sounds like you want to start a relationship with your the people in your new area. It will be hard to do if your new neighbors get the impression, from your beer drinking, obnoxious friend, that you are like that too. If I were you I would certainly distance myself from the old neighbors.
Good luck with this situation and let us know how it goes.
I'm still hot...it just comes in flashes. |
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