| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| greyghost |
Posted - Jan 04 2006 : 09:59:10 AM
I've been friends with "Em" since college. Now her marraige of 3 years is falling apart, and she spent New Year's at home alone packing her things and getting their house ready to sell.
Thankfully no kids, they'll probably fight over who gets the dog tho.
Em is a state away, but I thought I could send a care package to cheer her up with. I haven't known anyone close that was getting a divorce before, so I am not sure what to put in it. Movies & popcorn? Bubblebath to de-stress with? One of those comedic but serious "women-empowered" books? |
| 14 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| MBurns |
Posted - Jan 09 2006 : 1:14:38 PM
Julie, I am so sorry to know you are going through this. From experience I can tell you it does get better with time. But at the time it is the hardest thing you will cope with but it does make you stronger. I was divorced after 21 years and my husband left on my sons birthday so I have that memory. I went to several support groups and that helps. I actually met my present husband at a support group at a church. He had been divorced after 18 years and had three daughters to raise. We dated quite a while and eventually got together. Divorce is a life experience that is very difficult and painful. Be good to yourself. Do things you enjoy. I accepted help from friends and family and that helped. |
| julia hayes |
Posted - Jan 06 2006 : 10:03:27 AM
Dear, dear friends...I'm at a loss for words as I contemplate all your sorrow as it relates to your experiences from divorce. My sister is living through the effects of a bitter divorce (2 years ago) to this day. She tells me that some days its a day to day thing, while other days are lived moment to moment.
Greyghost, you must be an incredible friend to reach out as you have and I'm sure Em feels infinitely lucky to have you. My sister tells me that she wants to withdraw more than engage people, even to this day. She knows intellectually it may not be the most healthy thing to do, but emotionally its where she's at. I suspect sentiments of the heart that are sent her way will be enormously healing.. Everything you do in the name of love and friendship will be the right thing. Bless you.
Julie, my heart broke to read your post. Having met you, hugged you and celebrated your spirit at farm fair, made this revelation of your suffering seem horrifically out of place. I could completely see Erik and Carol serenading you while you and Cindylou danced and I tell you, it made me soar. My smile could hardly fit on my face..MaryJane bringing flowers and heart pillow..well, friends prove time and time again that there is always hope, beauty and love even in the midst of darkness, hollowness and woe. Your brilliance will reign supreme, of that I am certain! What I wouldn't do to race over there and sprinkle you head to toe in flower petals!!!!!!
I have a gorgeous Goddess candle that I'm going to light in honor of all women today!! (Erik, you can be our honorary Goddess!) Here's to our Farmgirl Spirit, strength, wisdom, love-ability, and courage!
With deep respect and great love..have some sunshine from me!
Julia Hayes
being simple to simply be |
| owwlady |
Posted - Jan 06 2006 : 08:51:06 AM
For all the farmgirls who have or are going through divorce. I know from experience that after the valley comes the mountaintop. My divorce devastated me. I isolated from family, friends, everyone. I cried continually and prayed at night that God would take me to Him. I would cry in the morning because I woke up and was still here. Well, my life is wonderful now years later and God in His infinite wisdom knew to keep me here. You have to take the time to go through a mourning period. Divorce is like a death and has the same stress level. Mourn the loss and then realize that there is so much waiting out there for you yet. |
| CabinCreek-Kentucky |
Posted - Jan 05 2006 : 6:22:14 PM
Julie .. rent the movie Devine Secrets of the Sisterhood of the Ya-Ya's (er' sumpthin' lilke that!) .. gather your girlfriends around you .. and have a good cry! What a wonderful film to help us sort out our lives. xo, frannie
True Friends, Frannie |
| CabinCreek-Kentucky |
Posted - Jan 05 2006 : 6:20:19 PM
AMEN miz Kay ... when we reach that mountain-top and look back down the paths we trudged .. we finally SEE from a higher point of view.
True Friends, Frannie |
| therusticcottage |
Posted - Jan 05 2006 : 6:01:27 PM
Frannie - I totally agree with you about walking the valleys of our lives. Every situation that I've been through has made me a stronger person. It is so hard to see that when we're trying to climb that hill to get out of the valley. But when you reach the summit you look back and realize that you made it, you survived, and you are strong! I like to think of these times as God's way of refining me -- and I know for certain that He is not done with me yet!
http://rusticcottage.blogspot.com/
http://www.homesteadblogger.com/therusticcottage |
| Fabulous Farm Femmes |
Posted - Jan 05 2006 : 12:07:54 AM
Julie,
Sending love to you in this time of sorrow.I cannot imagine how you must be feeling,I have been married a little longer than you and I just cannot fathom the pain and anger you must feel. The irony in life never fails, when one part of your life is working , the rest of it goes to pot? MJ's Farm is finally a mainstream item, her books are selling and more will be in the future,the light at the end of the tunnel is finally seen, and your personal life falls apart.Cyber hugs, prayers and and angel wishes sent to you.
Mz. Grey, I like the Aunt Jenny jingle about the chips...when my good friend got divorced years ago, I sent her mail everyday for a month just so she had something to look forward to and a comfort knowing I did indeed think of her every day. You might include a phone card for emergency crying calls. Love and hugs to Em too... |
| CabinCreek-Kentucky |
Posted - Jan 04 2006 : 8:58:34 PM
dear broken-hearted girlfriends .. losing someone you have loved .. either through divorce or death .. feels much the same. Maybe sometimes divorce hurts the most .. because the loved one is still somewhere .. reachable .. yet .. untouchable. Feel your loss .. the pain and your sadness that comes with it .. because if you bury it .. it will surface again someday .. with a vengeance! Make YOURSELF your 'love' right now. Surround yourself with friends and family .. hug them, cry with them and laugh with them. And KNOW THIS .. as impossible as it may seem right now: 'THIS TOO SHALL PASS". And with the closing of the 'casket' or the 'relationship' .. will come memories .. keep the good .. release the bad. GROW .. determine that each new day will be a wonderous adventure! LEARN some life lessons .. because even in the sad and bad and what 'seems' hopeless .. are lessons there to teach us something important and valid.
Lynn, just 'be there' for your dear friend, Em. Let her cry on your shoulder when she needs to .. sometimes a friend doesn't need 'advice' .. but simply someone who understands their sadness. And look to the future with your friend for fun and glad days .. 'the sun WILL rise tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow'.
Julie love .. hold fast to those dear friends and family .. let them help you get through this sad chapter in your book of life. And know that there are many more exciting .. chapters yet to come filled with challenge and adventure and fun and peace. We all hold you in our hearts and thoughts and prayers .. and again, my mantra that got me through the 'valleys' of life was "This Too Shall Pass". (And it always did, and I came out stronger on the other side of sadness. Hugs from Kentucky Farmgirl Friend, Frannie
True Friends, Frannie |
| Rebekka Mae |
Posted - Jan 04 2006 : 6:10:14 PM
Julie and Em- I am thinking of you both so glad that you are surrounded by sweet soul sisters (and brothers too- Erik is such a special guy!)Whn my Mom and Dad divorced, after 10 years of seperation, it was still such a shock to the system. My mama was so strong (I am sure Dad was too but I was not as in touch with him then as I am now) and stoic but she never really let it all out- now 7 years later she is just starting to live again. I'll bet if she had cried out loud and hollered more often this could have happened sooner for her. So-
Lynn, encourage Em to holler, cry, sit quietly on the phone with you, or talk about it until she is ready to let go little by little.
And Julie- I am just over the border in Pullman, I know you have so many friends here but I would love to share a coffee with you at the co-op or a walk in the arboretum if you need someone to lend an ear! Besides- my chill overs never turn out quite right and I could use a few tips...Hugs!
Love, Rebekka
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| therusticcottage |
Posted - Jan 04 2006 : 5:47:20 PM
Darest Julie -- I am so sorry for your pain. I have felt exactly what you are going through. I have been through a divorce and it is the most devastating thing in the world. My husband left me in 1982 two days before our 13th wedding anniversary. At that time I thought he was the love of my life and I was going to be married to him forever. After all these years I can still feel the pain of those first few days when I would pray just to be able to get through an hour. And after that hour I would pray again and on and on. I would get up in the morning and start crying. I'd cry all the way to work. Once I was at work I was ok. And then when I'd get in the car to drive home I'd cry all the way home. I spent 3 weeks on the couch crying and I basically let my daughter take care of me. I couldn't function. I have to tell you that if it had not been for my friends and my then 12 year old daughter (Missy) I don't think I would have made it through. I can remember waking in the middle of the night having an anxiety attack. I'd call my friend and she would be on the phone with me until I could get calmed down enough to go back to sleep. That went on for a long time. But it does get better. Just take one step at a time, put one foot in front of the other, and you will make it through a day. Pretty soon those days will go by and you will start to heal. My heart just hurts so badly for you. You are so lucky to have MaryJane, Carol, Erik, and all your friends. Lean on them and they will help you get through this. I wish I was there to give you a big hug.
Lynn -- just let your friend know that you love her and that she can call you any time. She needs someone to talk with and cry with. That is the best thing you can do for her. She is lucky to have a friend like you who care so much.
http://rusticcottage.blogspot.com/
http://www.homesteadblogger.com/therusticcottage |
| Julie |
Posted - Jan 04 2006 : 4:45:09 PM
Picture this!!! Cindylou and I are in the bunkhouse kitchen when we hear footsteps on the porch. In walks Erik and Carol carrying sheets of music and a ukulele under their arms. They serenaded me!!!!! Remember the song “Making Whoopee”, they played and changed the words to “Making Cookies”. How cute is that!!! The “Lumberjack Song” and one more about a Queen, don’t know the title, but boy was it adorable. Cindylou and I danced around the kitchen while the beautiful sound of music flowed from their lips. Next walks in MaryJane with a big colorful bouquet of daises and the most beautiful pillow in the shape of a heart, embroidered with silk ribbon flowers, this one is NOT broken.
I love you Erik, I love you Carol, I love you MaryJane. It’s friends that keep us strong, happy, and know exactly when we need them without asking.
Lynn and Marlene, add this to your list of things to do for a sad friend. It sure made me smile. 
Warmest of hugs
Julie
Food Stylin' & Fancy Free |
| Aunt Jenny |
Posted - Jan 04 2006 : 4:26:53 PM
when I was divorced I feel like I had such a good network of friends and family...and that they really gathered around me and made me feel safe and not alone. (this was a long time ago) I do still remember the funny little gift that my sister in law brought over...
a big bag of potato chips with a note that said "LIfe has up, Life has dips, at least we have potato chips"
Julie's words ring very true...my very best friend back then (she still is..even though there are 13 hours between us) was sure there for me..and cried with me many times. I agree...call Em often and be there any way you can. It won't be forgotten!!
Julie..I wish I were there to give you a big hug!
Jenny in Utah
It's astonishing how short a time it takes for very wonderful things to happen...Frances Burnette
http://www.auntjennysworld.blogspot.com/ |
| Julie |
Posted - Jan 04 2006 : 3:09:03 PM
Lynn and Marlene, I found out New Years Eve that my divorce was final, so I have been trying to deal with the loss, it is like a death. I cannot breath without tears flowing. My head and heart hurt and each day I think it will get better, but sad to say, it is going to take awhile. I have been a wife longer than single. MJ and I spoke yesterday about the pain, when two people are married you become soul mates with threads that connect you together at the heart and when there is a divorce it cuts them into. There is real physical pain just like being in an accident only no one can see the bandages that are trying to heal you. I keep telling myself each day will get better, and I force myself to get out of bed and get out into the world. Starting over after 26 years of marriage is like learning to walk again. I have dreams of a skeleton with a baseball bat in one hand and a bouquet of flowers in the other, it is right in my face and I am so frightened that I wake up screaming, when I open my eyes I’m alone and cry myself back to sleep. Writing this down is helping me to be strong and I know I’m not the first to go through it.
Em and I must have needed each other on New Years. Cindylou cries with me and says she feels all my pain. Truly this is a connection that goes way beyond anything one can imagine. Lynn, cry with Em and just be there to listen, as she needs you. My friends Julie and Doug came over with a Japanese film (sub titled), a dozen red roses, we made sushi rolls and laughed. My Dad calls me 2 or 3 times a week and I receive a card from my Mother at least once a week. They have done this for the past two years. A big hug or a kiss on the cheek may make a tear flow, but oh how it comforts the need for human touch. Be constant with Em and your friendship. Even though you are miles apart, your hearts are always together. I think I’ll give one of my tears to Em today and I hope she feels our connection. Tell her not to be afraid to cry, it is part of our healing.
Thanks for your post Lynn, you didn’t know I needed you today.
julie
Food Stylin' & Fancy Free |
| MBurns |
Posted - Jan 04 2006 : 1:59:26 PM
I have been through a divorce and it is devasting. All the things you suggested are great. Just knowing someone cares helps immensely. You might suggest she look for a divorce support group as that also helps to know the steps your emotions will go through and how to cope.
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