| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| goatgal |
Posted - Jan 12 2006 : 2:59:39 PM
I am kinda reluctant to share my burdens with everyone but I am at my wits end. My husband and I are about to strangle each other...literally. I dont really know how to reconnect with him, so i am asking for some helpful advice. We argue alot, and most of the time about nothing. I love him dearly, and want things to work but they are going to have to get better than they are now or i am going to crack. I have recently talked him in to going to church and he seems to love it, I thought this might help but it hasnt. He wont ever help with anything, the kids included. He talked me into quiting my job and this has just added more stress. i dont know if i am jealous of him or what because he does what he wants when he wants and of course, I do what i have to when i have to and nothing more ever. Could it be this resentment be causing all of our problems and what can i do to change the way i feel? |
| 6 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| goatgal |
Posted - Jan 13 2006 : 4:24:50 PM
Thank you to you all for replies and suggestions and i will take them all to heart. Have heard of a couple of books now that I am definately ready to go out and get. We have been married 10 years and we are both still young. My husband, Brad, hurt his back in 2003 and it seems like everything has change since he can no longer work. He doesnt want me to work b/c he says he never gets to spend time with me, but then I quit and now he is never around. I am looking to plan a weekend away just for the two of us as soon as the kids get well, so maybe this will be the beginning of a new wonderful life for us. Like i said, I love him truly and want to work out our problems. I know it is going to take work on both of our parts. Thank you again for the advice. |
| medievalcat |
Posted - Jan 13 2006 : 2:20:36 PM
Thank you ladies for adding to this. I was at a loss about what advice I could give. Having said that... I'm married to my fourth husband. I found it's not the OMG issues that wear a relationship out it's the day in day out routine that does.. or at least it did for mine. I was going through a huge change when I met my husband Brad, just when I thought I would just give up on relationships and myself. Since we have been married going on 3 years we have had major events thrown at us. It has tested every fiber we have.
I think what helped us mostly was the ability to talk about the hard issues. And to laugh when we could. I can't even say that sex has helped... my husband's disability has pretty much removed that part of our relationship...but it use to be the one time we felt normal.
So now we talk, we allow that to be our intimate time, the pillow talk. When we talk, I don't blame him for his disability, he does not blame me for my issues that I had before we were married, we don't rant about children, or bills. We talk quietly and listen to dream, fears, hopes.
It is my goal to grow older with my husband...since he says he's already old.
And I heard on the Today show when they questioned men about the horrible phrase, "Honey, we need to talk..." to them it's the kiss of death. When you want to talk, try to sit somewhere quietly and just talk without the normal starting phrase us ladies use... I always start my talks that way...opps.
I really hope you can talk and dance with the person you fell in love with I hope this with all my heart for the two of you.
Blessings,
Cynthia |
| Fabulous Farm Femmes |
Posted - Jan 13 2006 : 12:45:39 PM
I would say get Dr. Phil's book Relationship Rescue and read it immediately. It is wonderful.I haven't read Dr. Laura's book, but try that one too.
I think the main thing I learned from being married for 30 years is this: Men DO NOT think like women do. They don't see things the same way women do. They never will. It is a genetic difference, something they DON"T do on purpose, it is just how they are made. My husband is really a great guy, but he just doesn't think all day long about the things I do, so he doesn't understand how frustrated I get about things.
If you can come to understand that, it takes the resentment away. It is not something he does on purpose. That doesn't make it right, but it does take the right and wrong out of the equation, i think.The fight for control seems to always be at the core.You can't control another person, all you can control is how YOU react to them.
Both Whimsy girl and Farmgrl chick and I are saying the same things, just different ways.Dr. phils book says very similar message. Try it, and we will all pray for you. Hang in there. We ALL have those times, BELIEVE me!!
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| Whimsy_girl |
Posted - Jan 13 2006 : 12:02:22 PM
I might get laughed out of the forum for this but here goes anyway.
We have been through a LOT lately and one thing that has really helped me was the Dr. Laura book, "The Proper care and feeding of husbands". I got it for Valentines day of '04 from my mother. When things were getting harder than they have ever been I reread it and actually applied some of the common sense things that she brought up. It really opened my eyes to the parts of the relationship that I did and did not have control over. Once I started working on the parts of our marraige that I COULD control, the things I couldn't did two things. Some of the things that I thought were out of my control were more his reactions to my behavior then I had at first realized. Once we were both being nicer to each other the other things I couldn't control really didn't seem as big as what I had made them out to be in my own mind.
Now that we are working as a team again we are much more proactive working towards overcoming some of the hurdles that are in front of us right now.
If you don't want to invest in a book like that, most libraries have it, so you could give it a try without being stuck with it if it doesn't do the trick for you.
you can be oh so smart, or you can be oh so positive. I wasted a lot of time being smart I prefer being positive. |
| farmgrlchick |
Posted - Jan 13 2006 : 11:43:42 AM
I read your post last night and I didn't respond right away because I really wanted to think on it. Marriage is at times complicated and other times so natural. A team working together for the greater good of the family.
I think Cynthias advice to seek outside help, pastor, or counselor is wise.
I have been married for 14 years and there isn't enough time to tell all the growth that has happened in our selves as individuals and in our mariage. Times of deep depressions and just thinking what are we doing here.
The words of wisdom that changed are marriage is this..... We had been dancing a paticular dance, I needed to change the dance, he could either change and dance with me or leave.
I changed the dance(which is really changing me and how I responded to him , in all sorts of ways) And very slowly and really I don't think he noticed, we changed the dance.
Sometimes he steps on my toes, but for the most part we dance a new dance. I love him now more then ever.
I guess what I am getting at is he can't make you happy, you can't make him happy. You can't change him , but you can change yourself. Happieness comes from within.
Find something that fufills you! It doesn't have to be a job outside the home, or it could be a job outside the home. Idon't know you well enough to give you my opinion on this. You can do some soul searching and find out what it is.
If your children are young these are more stressful times.
Bitterness and resentfulness can take root and root so deeply. I beg you not to let this take hold of you. You will be the one suffering and he will just go on his merry way.
Things that helped me to be better in my marriage:
Prayer (change me, change my heart)
walking daily (unless it is raining)
Quilting
Talking to my best girlfriend on the phone everyday! (not to man bash)
(we found the same phone plan so it's cheap)
Reading anything to do with country life, Mary Jane and all the recourses I have found here have been favorites.
I found that Mary Jane's story about her first marriage was an inspiration. Well her whole life is an inspiation.
Well I hope this helps you, ((((hugs))))
Theresa
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| medievalcat |
Posted - Jan 12 2006 : 6:29:08 PM
I'm sorry to hear about what you are going through. I'm not a therapist, I have seen a lot of therapist but that does not replace what a professional would tell you. If you are guessing that it's resentment then I would say you know what has you frustrated to a point.
I have a very dear friend in a very similiar situation. I won't give you the same advice cause I really don't know your situation. What I will tell you is to seek help with a professional. Maybe the minister at the church could sit down with you and your husband. Or you could see your doctor and ask about help. My friend started on antidepressants and that helped her a lot. It did not resolve the main issues that she is facing, it did help her to calm down and deal with it with a clearer head. (please don't think I'm saying you have depression issues or are nuts, or that you don't have a clear head... I'm saying what my friend found out).
If you can find a Mother's Day Out or know someone to watch your children a couple of hours so that you can go out and have time to feel a little free. Just to the library, the store, the dime store.. to get some perspective and maybe have some grownup talk.
I don't know if there is anything that could help change the way you feel... but talking to someone who is trained in dealing with emotions... could help you figure out what you are angry about. And they often give excellant advice. I know most college that offer psycology classes often offer therapy at a sliding scale basis.
I really hope I'm not offending you... it's a touchy subject.
Thank you for trusting us to share such a personal subject.
I hope this helps... I hope someone can offer you better advice.
Hugs,
Cynthia |
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