| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| junebug |
Posted - Feb 16 2006 : 1:10:32 PM
On Valentines evening we lost my Mother in law. She had never fully recovered from a stroke last fall, and had complications from diabeties. She was ready to go. She lived with her daughter and famliy 3 hours from us. They took care of her, being a nurse this was the best place for her since we all agreed a nursing home was out of the question. My husband doesn't show his emotions well at all, and I think he had himself convinced that she could pull her self out of this one like she had before. The sister who tended to their mom is advoiding my hubby and is mad at him for not calling or visiting as much as she thought he should of. His brother and wife have treated him pretty much the same way, yet a younger sister has had less time with the mom than anyone but they are not treating her as badly. This really upsets me, my hubby is greiving in his own way and I just wish they would back off, they are making him feel worse. He says they have always treated him like this but this is the first time I"ve really seen it. He is the oldest but is being treated like the youngest who has done something wrong. Has anyone else gone through something simalar? I sure hope not, but any advise will be greatly appreacited. You would think at a time like this a family would come together and not pull away?
" Aspire to Inspire before you Expire"
www.herbalfarmstead.blogspot.com
www.countrypleasures.motime.com |
| 17 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| junebug |
Posted - Feb 27 2006 : 11:24:17 AM
I just wanted to thank everyone for all the posts and input. The memorial was very nice, had a good turn out considering my mother in law only attended that church very little due to her ailments. I did write up my little tribute to her but I was too nervous to get up and read it in front of so many, plus no one else got up to say a few words. I should of, but just too nervous! I did however give it to the sister along with a token of our gratitude for all she's done, and she appoligzed to my hubby and he did the same, so now the fence is mended. I will keep this topic open in case anyone else may need it, hopefully not, but just in case! Hugs to all!!!
" Aspire to Inspire before you Expire"
www.herbalfarmstead.blogspot.com
www.countrypleasures.motime.com |
| jpbluesky |
Posted - Feb 22 2006 : 3:18:53 PM
Junebug - that is great! If I was ever compared to a quilt as an example of the way I lived my life and loved my family, I would know I had met my goals as a human being. To keep our loved ones warm, and cover them with colorful, hand-made love - is that not the meaning of life? Good for you!!!!! Peace to you, junebug.
"Sell cleverness and buy wonder" |
| cajungal |
Posted - Feb 22 2006 : 3:18:03 PM
Beautiful, heartfelt words.
Blessings
Catherine
One of the best compliments from one of my daughters: "Moma, you smell good...like dirt." |
| junebug |
Posted - Feb 22 2006 : 12:47:06 PM
Thanks jpbluesky! I got my answer this morning as I was doing my exercises, a old song came on the radio that I havens't heard in years, it was called " Linda, do you wanna dance" now since my MIL is named Linda, I'm taking this as a sign that I need to just get up there on Sat. and read what I have written. Do you all mind if I post what I have written here for your input, mind you, all this is new to me, the only person I've lost was my Dad years ago, but I couldn't afford to go out to Calif. for his memorial. Here goes, and please tell me if this is ok or not.
Linda wasn't just my Mother in Law, but my friend. She accepted me, my children and my grandchildren into her family because she loved her son.
She may not have been the glue that held this family together, because she never interfered, but always listened. But she was the seam that bonds with each thread, binding us together like a quilt. As each new square was peiced to the pattern, she knew some were stronger than others, but all colorful and blended well. She ties us to one another, hemmed with patience and faith.
Her many talents are well preserved in all corners of her family, keeping her loving memory alive and warm in all our hearts.
She was not taken from us, but sent for, to teach the angels how to sew from the heart.
" Aspire to Inspire before you Expire"
www.herbalfarmstead.blogspot.com
www.countrypleasures.motime.com |
| jpbluesky |
Posted - Feb 22 2006 : 04:53:32 AM
Will be thinking of you Junebug. Ask for God's help and you will say just the right things.
"Sell cleverness and buy wonder" |
| junebug |
Posted - Feb 22 2006 : 04:42:41 AM
Thank you Diane, and so true, we enter this world in love and we leave with love, just beautiful! I'm working on my little tribute, I hope I can get up and read it, it's a tough crowd, but needs to be said.
" Aspire to Inspire before you Expire"
www.herbalfarmstead.blogspot.com
www.countrypleasures.motime.com |
| Fabulous Farm Femmes |
Posted - Feb 21 2006 : 2:20:53 PM
I think that would be lovely and proper. You might ask your husband if there is something he wants you to say for him also. I think personal tributes are the best way of saluting the one who passed.The only thing we can take with us when we leave is love. |
| junebug |
Posted - Feb 21 2006 : 11:20:53 AM
I agree Maryann, the advice given here is a treasure, and much help, thank you ladies so much for helping me understand all this. I admire you caregivers who were so blessed to have that time with your loved ones, it takes a strong person to take control of a sad situation and my arms reach out to each of you for a huge hug! I have some insight now and know what we must do now. The memorial is set for Saturday and I know my hubby won't be able to get up and say a few words, but I thought I'd might, do you think it would be ok if I did, I don't want to step on anyones toes, but feel like I should say something in regards to the friendship I had with her and maybe incorperate a mending theme?
" Aspire to Inspire before you Expire"
www.herbalfarmstead.blogspot.com
www.countrypleasures.motime.com |
| Susie Q |
Posted - Feb 20 2006 : 08:50:55 AM
Junebug, Your sister in law sounds alot like I was. She's searching for closure too. I was very protective of and I didn't "let go of control" until I had burried my mother. Getting her and our family back to Missouri, making sure she would be burried next to her parents, ordering her headstone, even to the point of waiting after everyone had left for the dinner and asking the "grave digger" to allow me fill in her her small grave. Filling it in gave me the best sense of closure. I took care of her for so long and I was able to do this one last thing for her.
Keeping your family in my prayers.
With Deepest Sympathy,
Susan |
| Horseyrider |
Posted - Feb 20 2006 : 04:53:43 AM
Sue, you've gotten some really good advice here, so let me just offer my sympathy. My husband and I have lost three of our four combined parents, and fortunately every one was an amicable passing and grieving. But I know it sure doesn't go that way for everyone, and I do know how very difficult it was even without the extra strife.
I agree that thanking that sister that worked so hard in taking care of his mother, and even giving her a little token gift, would be a great idea. Sometimes people just want to be heard and acknowledged, and I would think that some symbol of gratitude for all she's done would do a lot to diffuse feelings of sacrifice or inequality.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
"What another would do as well as you, do not do it. What another would have said as well as you, do not say it; written as well, do not write it. Be faithful to that which exists nowhere but in yourself, and there, make yourself indispensable." ---Andre Gide |
| jpbluesky |
Posted - Feb 19 2006 : 4:37:18 PM
My sister was our mother's caregiver, and she always was very careful not to make me feel guilty, and she could have. She was in Illinois and I was in Florida. We are very close, and I have done all I can to thank her and even gave her my share of the small inheritance we each got. She deserved it!
God heals all things. And I hope He heals all your hurts, too. I am sure your hubby's mom loved him with all her might. On the day my mom died, I felt her spirit with me so strong, and she was reassuring me that she loved me even though I was not with her every day.
"Sell cleverness and buy wonder" |
| junebug |
Posted - Feb 19 2006 : 11:38:46 AM
Susan, your words turned on a light! The sister who took care of my MIL for the last few months of her life is that type that thinks she needs to fix everything and has taken control of the situation, even the task of removing her belongings already without including anyone else. So, hopefully I can help my hubby to see that he needs to thank his sister for everything she's done and taken care of, after all,I think it's her way of handling her grief and finding approval maybe? I appreacite everyone who had popped in to offer advice. The memorial will be held the 25th, she was creamated. I'm hoping by then everyone can just be a family and share in the loss?
" Aspire to Inspire before you Expire"
www.herbalfarmstead.blogspot.com
www.countrypleasures.motime.com |
| Susie Q |
Posted - Feb 19 2006 : 07:54:25 AM
I'm so sorry for your loss. It's been less than a week and motions are running high right now. I'm glad that you're there to comfort your husband at this time of great loss. Please know that you have my deepest sympathies.
I can understand a bit of both sides. I have one brother and I'm the eldest. I'm the one that tried to fix everything. I became my mothers full time caregiver for 10 years; strokes, diabetes, heart attacks, feeding tubes, iv's, catheter, wound care from a giant bedsore from a 3 month stay nursing home that resulted in them cutting out half of her back.
It was alot of responsibility. My brother wasn't one to visit or help out. When she died, what had been my life for 10 years had vanished, my world turned upside down. It took time for me to come to terms with it. She was going to die but my daily focus had been on maintaining,healing and careing for her. There was some resentment at first. At everybody. It did soften and heal over time. I think part of what healed me was my brother's acknowledgement of what I did for her and letting that sink in, and my sense of peace that I did all I could for her and realizing his grief and loss.
As time goes on and hearts and heads clear and gain perspective. I hope that your husband's family will heal.
With Sympathy and Prayers, Susan
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| MBurns |
Posted - Feb 17 2006 : 12:24:13 PM
My sympathy on the passing of your mother in law. My mom passed away last summer. I have a brother and sister and everyone acted different. My brother only went to see my mom once every couple of months in the nursing home. My sister lived an hour away and we met and took mom out about once a month and I lived only 15minutes away so went on the weekends and often brought her home with me for the day. we cleaned out the house and have settled the estate by auctioning off the farm. We bought the farmstead and now my sister will not speak to me and says we took to many of the things.My brother speaks to me but just wanted it all over and settled as soon as possible. Do not let siblings get to you when grieving. It happens in many families and hopefully time will help everyone heal and again become a family. Give everyone a lot of time. |
| junebug |
Posted - Feb 17 2006 : 11:36:14 AM
Thanks girls, both of you are so right. I'm trying to help my hubby realize that in time they will see they didn't handle everything as best as they could of either. Time will tell and heal, hopefully. Blessings to you both for your input, it helps! Hugs!!
" Aspire to Inspire before you Expire"
www.herbalfarmstead.blogspot.com
www.countrypleasures.motime.com |
| cajungal |
Posted - Feb 17 2006 : 07:05:05 AM
Sue, so sorry for you and your husband's loss. Grief can be such an ugly thing...it is so individual and unpredictable. Lots of unkind words can be spoken that the speaker doesn't really intend to have meaning to. It's like a wounded dog biting at the hand that's trying to help him. Some people want to blame someone else for not doing enough or they want to be seen as the one doing everything. My heart aches for your situation. I truly hope it gets better and reconciliation can take place. Our family will be praying.
Blessings
Catherine
One of the best compliments from one of my daughters: "Moma, you smell good...like dirt." |
| Julia |
Posted - Feb 16 2006 : 8:24:15 PM
you're right, everyone grieves differently. Sometimes people lash out in their grief because it takes the focus off the death. Since your husband is the oldest, they probably, subconsciously, wanted and want him to fix the situation, and make it easier on everyone. HOw do you remedy the problem? I don't know. Usually just time, after every one has time to go thought their own grief. Perhaps if he moves a bit closer to them to for support they will do the same. My prayers are with you all. Julia V.
"...the setting sun is like going into the very presence of God." Elizabeth Von Arnim |
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