| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| Bridge |
Posted - Mar 28 2006 : 1:54:28 PM
Is there any one else on the board that doesn't have kiddo's?
I was just wondering............
I don't have any kiddos, and never will
Sometimes it makes me sad, but then sometimes it makes me glad!!
I just was wondering if their was any others without kiddos.
~~Bridge's Boutique~~
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| 24 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| _Rebecca_ |
Posted - Apr 12 2006 : 8:23:59 PM
I am Fertile Myrtle and my best friend, who has been married the same amount of time as me, hasn't been able to have children. It is really hard. She and her husband have a lot of heartache because they really want children. It's like you said, sometimes they are glad, and sometimes they are sad.
My husband and I can only listen to them. We can't offer them any advice or solutions.
My heart goes out to you!
Rebecca |
| MichelleTN |
Posted - Apr 12 2006 : 7:59:08 PM
Thank you, Katee and Susan for your kind words, the flip side of this all is, I would rather not be a single mom, as I see too many of my friends struggle with that so just maybe its not meant to be..I am trying to just see it from all the different angles before I make a decision I regret.
Just maybe we can work through this huge differance right now we are facing...
Hugs, Michelle
PS I grew up in a family with 9 kids and would not trade it for anything!! So, just want my own little clan! lol
http://tangledthreadsandknottedyarn.blogspot.com/ |
| TheSoapMaven |
Posted - Apr 12 2006 : 09:46:33 AM
Hi Michelle and all! I will say first that I have 6!!! Yep, and all on purpose! And with the same man! We had 3, he had a vasectomy...we changed our minds...had it reversed and had three more. All true. But I will say this...I dont think my husband would have ever wanted to adopt had we not had our own. I think that might have never been okay with him. Me??? I would have for sure...still might would. Michelle, its tough when you dont see eye to eye on something this fundamental to who you are. You know men are such different creatures from us. It is as hard to understand them, as it is for them to understand us. They cannot know the longing to be a mother. The instinct. The desperation. I hope you work it out.
To those of you who have chosen not to have children, I applaud you for being strong enough to know yourself and make your own decisions. I have known people who should have given it more thought. Parenting isnt like any other job...it is 24/7/365 and that is as it should be. I have even gone so far as to advise people ask my opinion NOT to. This coming from someone who had 6 and probably would have had more had she been able. It ISNT for everyone. Lots of times people feel so pressured to pro-create. When in reality it isnt anyone's business but your own.
We all have choices and we all have to live with them. You have to follow your heart.
Susan
Proprietress of Dahlem's Soapworks http://www.thesoapmaven.com
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| sonflowergurl |
Posted - Apr 11 2006 : 9:18:39 PM
Wow Michelle, that's a tough one. I have kids, and it's been VERY tight sometimes (living on pennies and peanut butter at times LOL), wished things would've been different in timing sometimes too. That said, I can't even imagine my life w/o my kids! I think you need to really let him know that you desire to be a mom and let him know that you would really have a hard time not resenting him for the rest of your life if he kept you from that dream. Maybe it was just sprung on him too suddenly and a little more time will help him to come around, he was probably getting used to his little rut and then here you come with an idea AND someone wanting to contact you all---all at once---that can be quite a lot to process at once. Give him some time, but definitely be very open about your feelings too!
BTW--Thanks for the comment on my blog! We're both the same age too! :)
Katee
The end will justify the pain it took to get us here.
"Looking Toward the Son"---- http://sonflowergirl731.blogspot.com
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| MichelleTN |
Posted - Apr 11 2006 : 8:07:08 PM
How funny to get on here tonight find this topic when DH and I have barely been speaking to each other since Saturday because of this subject. We have been together 10 years with no kids. It obvious we have some kind of issue as we never have tried to not prevent a pregnancy, but I am now ready to commit to addressing our infertility issues, guess he is not.
I woke up this past summer after caring for my little preemie nephew that I am 33 and WANT a child. There is some kids in a friend of mine's family who are giving their baby up for adoption, my friend thought of us and asked if the kids could contact us, so Saturday I told DH that they may be contacting us, he let me know I was not going to force him into something he didn't want to do..adopting. I guess in my little dream world I just thought if we didn't have our own we could adopt..guess not.
SO, I am not a happy camper...he may be getting a choice, getting my ducks in a row before I make a decision on what I should do.
What would you all do or how do you feel about this..should I let someone keep me from the dreams of being a mom? I don't think I could get over that and not resent him forever.
Yep, touchy subject at my house right now..lol...
Michelle
http://tangledthreadsandknottedyarn.blogspot.com/ |
| ali2583 |
Posted - Apr 01 2006 : 07:35:41 AM
I haven't got any kids, and I'm still not sure if I do or want. Not that I don't like kids, in fact I think they are incredible little people and I love my 2 little cousins and my 2 nieces like nobody's business. But I'm just not sure that I'm willing to commit 24 hours a day for the next 18+ years to raising one. Plus a lot of my friends around me are starting to have babies, and I don't even recognize my own friends anymore! Alot of them are sooooo tired and haggard looking. I know myself, and I know I can't function properly on less than 8 hours sleep.
One of my friends got pregnant and they weren't planning. It's plain to see that her heart really isn't into her little guy which is sad. I guess I'm hesitating because having kids isn't something that I really, truly, badly want right now and if you bring a little person into the world, I think you should really, truly, badly want him to be there.
I live in a very religious, conservative part of Canada. Some people think I'm an absolute demon for not being sure about having kids yet, but oh well. That's their opinion, not mine. People try to scare me about getting old (I'll be 30 next month) but that doesn't bug me because I know full well that you can have babies into your 40's if you want. And if I miss the boat, I'm fine adopting and so is my hubby.
Having babies is something you want to want. Just like picking a career, just like buying a house, just like deciding what you want to have for dinner tonite. If you want it, go for it. If you're not sure, there's no point just "trying" to see if you like it because you might not.
Just my thoughts.
"God's gift to you is life. What you choose to do with that life is your gift to God" |
| sunshine |
Posted - Apr 01 2006 : 06:35:01 AM
I actually have three kids but almost hemraggaged to death with each one ( due to me having VWD simialr to hemophillia. My sisiter and brother both have 0 children. If you want kids you can always adopt my husband and I thought about that for a long time. And if you never have kids that is fine one of my favorite great aunts never got married or had kids. She is 90 and all the nieces and nephews would do any hting for her. Life gives evey one different challenges some our your own kids, some adopted, some step, some not at all. Each senerio has its plusses and minuses. Life is a s good as you make it. I know that sounds chich but it is true. I grew up in a very abusive home in all ways you would think I would be terriffed of bring children into this world. But I am cautious ( very cautious). Other people have alcholics in there hoime that is there trial ( don't have that one). What I am saying who ever you are be happy and live life to its fullest what ever that is for you individually
have a lovely day
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| laluna |
Posted - Mar 31 2006 : 5:54:23 PM
To answer the original question, I also do not have children. My husband and I have been married 13 years and we made the decision long ago that kids just weren't for us. I'm so glad to see that there are others on this forum who feel the same way (what with the general nature of the board, I was beginning to feel a bit uncomfortable, thinking I was the only one who is child-free ;-) (and btw, that's the term my husband and I use: "child-free" - vs. "childless", since frankly, I don't feel my life is lacking in any way. Of course, society tries to make me feel as though it is - which tends to be annoying and frustrating.)
That being said, I do love kids. Heck, I teach middle school English. And honestly, it's not a job just anyone can do. But I find the kids to be an endless source of inspiration, entertainment, as well as frustration. I think I get the better end of the deal, too, because parents are often surprised when I tell them how well-behaved/respectful/helpful/etc. their child is. *lol* |
| sqrl |
Posted - Mar 31 2006 : 4:11:31 PM
Ok well i don't want this to go on and on but any education for these kids in India will do them good, this is a poor that we in this country cannot understand and I'm happy to be a part of their education if only it helps a couple them. And car seats - apparently you can get them for free at local police stations. But I think if we need to continue this debate you should email me 'cause I don't want to hog this thread. I think you know what you need and what your life has given you , it's your life and your decisions. I'm not trying to do anything but may be give you a different perspective. Email me if you'd like.
Blessed Be
www.sqrlbee.com
www.smallsqrl.blogspot.com
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| Amie C. |
Posted - Mar 31 2006 : 1:10:38 PM
Sqrl-
It doesn't *need* to be that complicated, but it sure can get that complicated quickly if you're not careful or run into some bad luck! Or just get bad advice from well meaning adults when you're young. I think most of the mistakes I made in getting started in life were the result of doing what adults told me I should do, and they were wrong because they were assuming that what worked for a child from a middle class family would work for me too. You might want to watch yourself on that when you go to India.
I agree with you that most middle Americans could get by with a lot less than they think they need. Although a lot of expensive child gear is required by law these days. Our state now says that children must be in car seats until they are 4 foot 10. That's a lot of car seats to buy over the years, and it means that you need a bigger car too (assuming you have more than one child). When I was a baby, there were no laws. My parents put me in a cardboard box on the floor of the car to keep me safe. And when I was older, and there were more kids than seats, some of us rode loose in the back of the station wagon or van. I guess kids are probably safer these days, but they are also getting regulated out of my price range! |
| sqrl |
Posted - Mar 31 2006 : 08:21:13 AM
The kind of education I'm talking about is not college degrees it's the knowlegde or skill or something like that. I know that I have skills without ever earning a college to degree to make something of myself because I'm educated, I've been told I can do it. That's what I'm talking about. Of course welfare breeds welfare and poor breeds poor it's a mind set - this is the probelm in places like India which is why we want to go to this school there to teach poor children who are poorer than anything we could ever know in this country. But that's not the point. I understand what you are saying and agree with alot of it, just don't think it needs to be that complicated. And hey I'm one for planning as you can see from my post above - we're waiting till we feel right about it. It's all about the way you think about it. But I think it's good that you are waiting because you know you are not ready. Your not really dumping here , no worries it's just a little debate, I'm just playing a little "devils advocate" with ya.
Blessed Be
www.sqrlbee.com
www.smallsqrl.blogspot.com
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| Amie C. |
Posted - Mar 30 2006 : 09:45:22 AM
Ah, Squrl. You've touched another one of my hot buttons. Education is the very reason my husband and I can't afford children. If it weren't for my husband's student loans, we might be able to live on one income for a few years without losing our home. (At our income level, the benefits of one parent staying home with the kids would be far greater than the income minus childcare of having both parents work.)If you are somehow getting free tuition through your state, you are blessed beyond belief.
But then, even with three degrees between us, we aren't making any more than most older people with only high school degrees. My parents, for example, raised eight children on just my dads blue collar income. But it was a good, steady, union job with health benefits. Those jobs are just not available to younger people these days. My husband and I put together are only earning slightly more than he was earning alone 20 years ago.
A college degree gives you a better chance, but full time work doesn't always, or even usually, equal a living these days. One of my sisters, for example, just had her first child this year. She and her husband got married right out of high school and they both work. They waited to have a baby until they could afford health care. But the health care cost so much that they had to give up their apartment and move in with his parents after she got pregnant.
Sadly, Welfare has nothing to offer working people who need some temporary help. If that was the way it worked, I'd be all for it. The people I know who are on welfare were raised by mothers on welfare, and none of them have ever held a job in three generations. Welfare won't do a thing to help you unless you are totally destitute.
There are two options I can see, if I was really desperate to have a child. My husband or I could work two full time jobs (that's what many of his co-workers do). Or we could work opposite shifts, one with a day job and one with a night job (that's what our neighbors do). At this point, we aren't willing to make that kind of sacrifice - no fun together as a family, giving up all the creative work we do together. And that's assuming we could find that kind of work, which is certainly not a given.
If we had the family support that my youngest sisters have coopted by dropping out of high school and getting pregnant, we wouldn't have to make that choice. It makes me mad, because I worked hard to contribute to the family when I was their age and I'm not going to get any support in return.
I don't mean to dump on you. I do think it's important to warn people, though, especially younger people. Don't assume that you'll be able to earn a living by hard work, even with a good education. Plan carefully, decide what you want early, and weigh every choice you make because it may affect the rest of your life.
Amie |
| sqrl |
Posted - Mar 30 2006 : 08:41:54 AM
I guess I don't really think of kids as being expensive...May be because my parents and DH's parents were pretty "poor" and did pretty well. Of sometimes Grandparents and Aunts and Uncles babysat but they certainly weren't on welfare. If was just DH and his Mom and they did pretty darn well. I think if you do right, be a little frugal and may be give up some luxuries it works itself out. I techniquicaly can't afford a child right now but if it happened I'd make it work and not by going on welfare. You see..I'm not a big fan of the whole welfare thing either, I mean I get it, it should work. But education is the best welfare you can give anyone. Because I'm educated and I know I could always do something to get by and make it work instead of realying on the government. But if you really think about it I am actually getting welfare because the state of Cali. pays for all of DH's tuition..ANd the that's welfare..But at least I contribute because I work and my taxes go to such things...So it's a sticky situation kind of like socialized healthcare.
Blessed Be
www.sqrlbee.com
www.smallsqrl.blogspot.com
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| Amie C. |
Posted - Mar 30 2006 : 07:27:41 AM
I have no kids, and since I'm 31 and my husband closer to 40, we would really need to get started soon if we're ever going to have any. I'm conflicted about it. Growing up as the oldest in a large family, I've seen both the ups and the downs. For many years, I swore I wouldn't have kids because of that early experience. Now I'm starting to think one or two might be nice to have around, although I'm scared to the point of phobia about pregnancy and childbirth.
My feelings on the issue don't really matter, though, because there's no way we could afford to have kids. Realistically, I don't see the situation improving any time soon, either. I have to say, as ambivalent as I am about whether I even want them, it makes me angry that I don't even have the option. Especially when I see so many other people around me bringing kids into the world unintentionally and looking to other people to support them. I don't have any respect at all for chronic welfare mothers and teen moms. Please don't take offense if that is or was you. I'm thinking in particular of some of my own family members. I'm just furious to think that I spent my teen years raising them and getting out on my own in a responsible way, and now their irresponsible pregnancies are making it less likely that I will ever be able to have kids (can't really ask mom to babysit when she's raising my niece, can I?)
I apologize for the rant. I guess this bothers me more than I realized.
Amie |
| garliclady |
Posted - Mar 30 2006 : 05:05:01 AM
I went through the "are you ever going to get married thing for years." I was happy single and well... seemed like everyone else thought I couldn't be happy till I was married. They finally gave up asking . Then at 36 I found the man of my dreams! The next question people began to ask was "when are you going to have kids you better hurry1". We wanted a little time to ourselves be for haveing kids (we only knew each other 5 months when we got married). We did wait and finally when I was 40 we started trying but of course my age was agaist us so we decided to adopt. (the same people who wanted me to hurry up and get married and hurry up and have children all the sudden thought we were crazy at our age to adopt infant-go figure!)
We are happy with the decision and now at 48 I have a 21 month old and a 4 year old.
Just stand in your decision with pride and not let others guide you decisions. May God bless you
The Garlic Lady
My Farm http://home.bellsouth.net/p/s/community.dll?ep=16&ext=1&groupid=140532&ck=
My Recipes http://recipecircus.com/recipes/garliclady/]
My blog http://www.epicourier.com/Garliclady/ |
| RachelLeigh |
Posted - Mar 29 2006 : 11:13:04 AM
We don't have any kids yet (only been married 4 months) but they are hopefully in our future. My maternal instincts have kicked in, and apparently my husband's paternal ones have kicked in too because we are constantly talking about babies. I want to have one soon because I'm 27 and he's 35 and we should get our family started soon I hope!
My blog: mycountryhome.blogspot.com |
| Destiny~ |
Posted - Mar 29 2006 : 11:07:32 AM
We don't have any kids either. Hubby didn't want them, I knew that going in and decided to marry him anyway. We both like kids although most people seem to think we must not since we don't have any. Hubby likes the kind of kids that go home when they're tired and cranky.
We hosted six exchange students and that was an experience.
We're in our forties now and I figure if he ever changes his mind we could always adopt, I'd willingly take older children.
It's hard though, the way we're judged because we're childless. Most people can't figure out what else to talk about if you don't have kids. I don't mind listening to theirs and talking about my nieces and nephews but they seem afraid to even start a conversation. |
| sqrl |
Posted - Mar 29 2006 : 10:21:35 AM
No kids here either and don't plan to for a while. Made deal witht he universe to hold off for a while and it seems to working out. I was against having kids for a while and slowly decided have one, just one would be nice and we would stop there. I certainly don't want to be part of the over population problem. I sometimes have issues with just having one for two reason - over population (like I said) and the only child thing. But whatever will be, will be. I hate the judgements placed on people when they decide to not have kids or can't. This is the root of our over population, I think.
Blessed Be
www.sqrlbee.com
www.smallsqrl.blogspot.com
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| thehouseminder |
Posted - Mar 29 2006 : 09:43:12 AM
I don't have kids either and never will. I'm diabetic.
Now that I'm in my forties people have finally stopped asking "when." I know they mean well but they should be careful and remember that they do not know what is going on personally and physically with others.
At my ten year high school reunion, one of my female classmates actually said, "So, do you just Hate Kids or are you waiting a while?" Real estate agents are always quick to tell you all about the schools in the district of the home you are looking at without finding out whether you have or plan children. Both these things really feel like a swift kick in the gut.
For the most part, I am finally at peace with my situation. I know that God has a reason and wants the best for all of us. I just wish people would think before opening their mouths.
Lucinda
When we were young, there were moments of such perfectly crystallized happiness that we stood stock still and silently promised ourselves that we would remember them always. And we did. --Holly J. Burkhalter , "Four Midwestern Sisters' Christmas Book"
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| Bridge |
Posted - Mar 29 2006 : 09:37:07 AM
quote:
I'm young enough (30) to still contemplate children, but getting old enough to really see the why of it
.
The above statement really words how I feel exactly.
I am 31, will be 32 this year. SO has 2 kids, but we don't see them very much.
I really am happy with just my kittys. But then sometimes I think "Am I making a big life mistake by not having kids" Will I regret this someday? Two girls in my office are expecting and that really stirs those thoughts. And of course then it also starts everyone saying "When are you planning children, will you be next?" Of course when you say I really don't plan on having children, they look at you like you have just signed up for the looney bin! Oh and my favorite.....Your young you'll change your mind.
I really like Horseyriders post, It so very true!!
Rosebud, I agree I get quite touchy and defensive about this sometimes also. I don't know why others have to act like there is someting wrong with you if you make the decision to not bear children.
~~Bridge's Boutique~~
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| Horseyrider |
Posted - Mar 29 2006 : 04:52:18 AM
Stacy, I understand your touchiness. While I have two kids, I have a dear friend who decided that kids shouldn't be a part of her life. So did my vet. Both of these are career people who were smart enough to know themselves and what they really wanted out of life. Both are happily married for 25+ years.
I don't understand how some people can be so pushy about other people having kids. How about a little tolerance for the choices of others? |
| rosebud74a |
Posted - Mar 28 2006 : 8:29:20 PM
no kiddo's for me....two step kids who are both teens. One lives with us(19), and one lives with mom(16). Step kids are enough to make one stear clear from having thier own.....especially teen step kids ...lol.I get the question all the time though, because I am young "when are you going to have your own"...sometimes it drives me crazy, when I get asked this, b/c it happens all the time, and people just assume that everyone needs to have kids, I guess. I figure I am here for another purpose. Can I ask how old you are and if you get asked that question about having kids alot? I am with you on the sometimes glad and sometimes sad...but most of the time glad !
Stacy
PS...I get a liitle touchy about this subject. My apoligies if my post comes across negativly
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
Eleanor Roosevelt, 'This Is My Story,' 1937
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| CityCat |
Posted - Mar 28 2006 : 8:24:45 PM
One of my grade 7 teachers swore to never have children. She felt that after being a teacher for many years, being "parental" toward her students was enough. She also knew that she would be overly protective and never let her child do anything without her supervision. I absolutely adored her and we corresponded for years.
I currently have no children. Kinda hard to have children lacking a sperm donor. I'm young enough (30) to still contemplate children, but getting old enough to really see the why of it. For the most part, I'd have children out of guilt and the genetic need to procreate, and I don't think those are the motives I want to have in order to bring a child into this world. I'm also scared of passing on all my genetic flaws, which are considerable. Well, it's not something I can really do anything about until I meet that special someone, but at this point in my life, I literally can't afford a child.
Just my 2 cents. -Cat |
| Julia |
Posted - Mar 28 2006 : 8:16:38 PM
Hi Bridge, I know that Asnedecor (Anne) doesn't have kids. She is a sweety! Hugs to you, Julia V.
"...the setting sun is like going into the very presence of God." Elizabeth Von Arnim |
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