| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| _Rebecca_ |
Posted - Mar 31 2006 : 7:41:48 PM
My 70 yo dad had to go into a nursing home and up until that time my mother has been his caregiver for the last 10 years when he had a major stroke. He has dementia and other issues, diabetes, high blood pressure and has had minor strokes off and on over the years. He more than likely has alzheimers too. And he is mostly deaf and he also has one injured eye that he cannot see out of and one other eye that has a cataract.
My dad has been in the nursing home for about a month. My mother won't go and see him. She probably never will. There is such a bitterness in her life. Today when we tried to get her to go she had an anxiety attack. My brother says she really isn't mentally/emotionally able to do it.
I just want some support from y'all right now. I am so hurt. I know that I cannot fix my parents' marriage (which was bad before the stroke), and I understand that my mother is under a whole lot of stress. I am 5 months pregnant so I am more than likely hormonal. I just feel angry. I don't care that my mom can't handle it. I couldn't handle it and I went!
Anyway, just please say something, anything to me right now because I am not very strong and can't deal with this on my own. I know someone out there has been in this situation. By the way, I am the youngest child--I'm 29 and I have been right there with my parents for the last 29 yrs and I had to suffer through their bad health & bad marriage so I guess this is why it is so upsetting to me. I want closure maybe or something. I am expecting two elderly people with real serious health issues to act like adults and I'm not able to realize that this is impossible and can never happen.
I unleashed my feelings on my mom and we are at a Mexican stand-off. Her question is why should she go and see him. My question is why won't she?? It's beyond frustrating. My husband says it is because of who my dad is. My husband is kind of on my mom's side. (Which I think is sweet--he really cares about her and understands). At the same time he understands my being upset, but the reality is my parents are old and sick and can't function rationally.
I just had to vent. I don't guess that I would be as upset if I didn't love them both so much. Any been there, done that comments?
.·:*¨¨* :·.Rebecca.·:*¨¨* :·.
Wife of Jonathan, Mother of Joel, Caitlyn, Elia |
| 14 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| JennyWren |
Posted - Apr 17 2006 : 8:38:19 PM
Hi Rebecca,
I too am sending you a giant hug. This is a tough one. My parents had a rough relationship too. Actually they yelled at eachother first thing in the morning, went on all day until they went to bed at night. I even think they yelled at eachother in bed too. That was just who they were. To everyone else including myself, that was more stress than I could take. (I moved out when I was 16 and never went back)
My Mother told my Dad she would not "lay beside him" when she was dead, in essence telling Dad that she would not be buried next to him. Broke his heart. Because even though he was terrible to her for their entire marriage, he did love her. True to her word Mom was not buried next to Dad.
My purpose in telling you this, is sometimes.. We as children, just have to understand it is their relationship and their marriage, and we can't do anything about it.
The sad and ironic thing of all of this, after Dad died my Mom said the "silence was deafening." She missed my Dad terribly, died 18 months after he did. But still would not be buried next to him.
I don't understand them anymore than you understand your parents... I have 100% empathy for you.. Give your hubby a hug and be glad you are the person you are... and have the husband you have, and not a marriage like theirs. That's what I did, it really helped me.
Take Care,
Carla....
If you treat an individual as what he is, he will stay that way, but if you
treat him as if he were what he could be, he will become what he could be.
-- Goethe
www.jennywrensurbanhomestead.blogspot.com/ |
| Destiny~ |
Posted - Apr 12 2006 : 10:59:55 AM
Rebecca, it's a huge disappointment to realize that your parents are not the people you think they should be and it's so frustrating.
You just have to do the best you can to accept them as they are or else distance yourself from them. You can't change them.
Take care of yourself. |
| TheSoapMaven |
Posted - Apr 12 2006 : 09:57:40 AM
So sorry to hear this. Life does deal us some misery from time to time. I would say (as others have)...you can only do what is right for you. You cant be your mom's conscience. Not only is it too hard, it really isnt your place...too much responsibility. As you said, their marriage was already difficult. You couldnt have fixed that either. You go see your dad and you go see your mom. Love them both. Comfort them both. I know it must hurt so bad but you are being a very good daughter. Give your husband a hug for me...he sounds so sweet. AND just whatever you do dont let this affect your relationship with him. This "thing" is between your parents - I know it affects so many others but you cant change your mom's feelings. And don't get at outs with her over it...that isnt worth it either. You may have been there but you dont know what hurt she might have endured...and maybe at her age she has said "Enough!" Hoping things are better soon...and many many blessings and well wishes for your baby!!!!
Susan
Proprietress of Dahlem's Soapworks http://www.thesoapmaven.com
|
| MichelleTN |
Posted - Apr 11 2006 : 8:28:28 PM
((Rebecca)) You are in my thoughts and prayers!!
hugs, Michelle
http://tangledthreadsandknottedyarn.blogspot.com/ |
| sleepless reader |
Posted - Apr 01 2006 : 6:37:13 PM
Rebecca, all you can do is what you feel is best...for you. Your mom has to deal with her "things" in her own way. It could be that she has already said good-bye to the man she knew and loved a long time ago. You're a good daughter to care so much. Love them both all you can. Take care of you and the baby, the rest will take care of its self.
You're in my prayers.
Sharon
PS Jenny, are you sure we aren't related? My mom's side of the family behaved in much the same way. Now there's only her and one sister left (out of eight)...at least they speak!
Life is messy. Wear your apron! |
| Nancy Gartenman |
Posted - Apr 01 2006 : 3:52:24 PM
You got great advise from the ya ya's, go with that and your heart.
NANCY JO |
| CabinCreek-Kentucky |
Posted - Apr 01 2006 : 2:55:43 PM
Rebecca .. no advice .. just big hugs coming your way. xo, frannie
True Friends, Frannie |
| Julia |
Posted - Apr 01 2006 : 09:33:51 AM
Good advice girls! Saying the same things I am thinking.
Rebecca,right now you need to take care of you and wee babe. Like Diane said, your Mom needs time to heal,to sort through years of hurt and probably some guilt. One thing I have learned as people get older, their mind set isn't so easily changed. It is also hard for them to see the inevitable concerning themselves. Maybe, when it feels right, go so something with your Mom that is fun and brainless. No conversation about the situation. Just enjoy your time together, cause time is to short for bitterness and grudges. Don't let it start in you. Love your Mom unconditionaly and support her feelings just as you would your Dad.
This is a difficult situation, but time and love are great healers!
I can only imagine your frustration and fears, they are valild.
My prayers are with you! Hugs, Julia V.
"...the setting sun is like going into the very presence of God." Elizabeth Von Arnim |
| _Rebecca_ |
Posted - Apr 01 2006 : 09:23:27 AM
This is exactly what I needed. Thank you so very much. I just wanted a group of caring individuals (this forum is awesome) to just sort of talk about it, give me insight, yada yada.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
And I don't mind advice. I don't mind it at all! 
If anyone else has any thoughts to share or tips please feel free to add some more.
.·:*¨¨* :·.Rebecca.·:*¨¨* :·.
Wife of Jonathan, Mother of Joel, Caitlyn, Elia |
| westernhorse51 |
Posted - Apr 01 2006 : 06:21:02 AM
been there Rebecca and yes it's very hard. My heart goes out to you. You cant make them do anything , like Mary Ann said we cant control other people no mater how hard we try sometimes. You can only do what YOU can do, follow your heart and pray. That IS homnestly the best advice I can give you & I'll be praying also. hang in there.
she selects wool and flax and works with eager hands Prov.31:13 |
| Horseyrider |
Posted - Apr 01 2006 : 04:37:25 AM
Rebecca, first let me give you a big (((((HUG))))). You're a good daughter, and you're trying very hard. They're lucky to have you.
The hard part is the realization that we can't change other people. If your mom truly doesn't want to go, that's her right. It's sad, and we wish she felt differently, but it's her right. It's also her right to have bitterness in her heart. Take a good look at what a hard heart looks like, and resolve to not do that yourself.
We also can't control other people, no matter how much we want to. The only ones we can change is ourselves.
I know you need some sympathy and a shoulder to lean on. You have mine. But I think you'll find that if you can realize that you're not responsible for what your mom does or decides, then you'll feel better, and be set free of much of the burden. Because that part isn't up to you.
(((((HUGS))))) to you, girlfriend. |
| Fabulous Farm Femmes |
Posted - Mar 31 2006 : 11:56:01 PM
Dear Dear Rebecca,
Oh Hon I so know how you feel. Been in the middle of this more than once, husbands family and my own.Dad in Law had almost the same exact ailments oddly enough.
Give your Mom some time to heal. Taking care of someone with all those afflictions would be a horrible strain on a couple with a good marriage, let alone a troubled one. She probably feels she "has done her part and more" (I have heard this exact line from Mom in law) and just may need time to rest. You can't force anyone to feel how you want them to.If you give her time to "miss" him, she may be less resisitant to going to visit him.
It is hard to know what hurts, pains and fears are in the heart of another person...so don't be too hard on Mom right now.My grandma would not let my grandpa go, even though they hated each other for years, because then she would be alone. Fear strikes an hard cord in some people. Give her some time. If you don't have that much time, then she will have to live with those consequences later.It is her choice, Honey.You cannot change how another person feels, you can only change how you react to it.
Try not to stress about it too much, and spend what positive energy you have on spending time with your Dad. For you.All those negative feelings are not good for you when you are pregnant.Just spend what time you can loving your Dad before he goes, make some tapes of him talking to you, so your Baby can hear his voice later on. Show through example how to be a loving, giving woman.For you. For your Dad. For your child. The others will have to find their own way.
You will be in my thoughts and prayers. |
| Aunt Jenny |
Posted - Mar 31 2006 : 10:07:04 PM
I sure feel for ya Rebecca. I know this isn't even close to your situation, but my mom (who is 67 now) and her brother (who is 64) havn't spoken to each other in 10 years. My dad and my mom's brother were very close, and due to some stuff that happened between my mom and Uncle when my grandparents died in the early 90's (fighting over the money!!) My dad didn't even get to talk to him any more either..not if he wanted to get along with my mom. My dad died nearly 2 years ago. When I called to tell my Uncle..he cried and cried. My mom and uncle are BOTH at fault and have both said and done things that they never should have. BUT...they don't have any other siblings and both of their parents have been dead over 10 years. I don't understand why they can't let bygones be bygones and at least speak to each other. My uncle lives in Colorado..alot closer than my mom does to me and comes to visit for a few days and nights every January. I just love to have him visit and the kids are loving getting to know him. He has three grown sons..all with major issues, so I think he appreciates having family only 5 hours away to visit. Both of them always are happy to hear how the other is doing,but then want to bad mouth them afterwards..it is a mess and I hate being in the middle. It just stinks when people that age can't just be adult about things.
Don't give up on your mom. Hopefully she will do the right thing. If she dosn't at least you will know that YOU did do the best you could. As long as she knows you love her AND your dad.
Make sure you take time to take care of you. I know that is hard..you have alot on your plate right now!!
I sure pray things get better..hugs to you!!
Jenny in Utah
Inside me there is a skinny woman crying to get out...but I can usually shut her up with cookies
http://www.auntjennysworld.blogspot.com/ visit my little online shop at www.auntjenny.etsy.com |
| happymama58 |
Posted - Mar 31 2006 : 8:39:27 PM
I haven't been where you are, but I have dealt with family members who simply couldn't or wouldn't (not being in their head, I can't know for sure) make themselves do things that were "tough". My sister, for example, never went to see my grandmother in the nursing home -- she "couldn't" handle it. Just like she couldn't handle great-aunt/uncles funerals. I never really understood it and I still don't. It's taken me a long time -- I'm 47 now -- to get to the point where it just isn't important to me anymore. That's a whole 'nother story, though! 
I wish I could give you some magic answer for dealing with this, but the only one I know will either come to you (with time, perhaps) or it won't. I do understand how you feel. It's frustrating, maddening at times, etc. Sometimes you just get tired of being the "strong" one. That's natural. If you ever want to talk, feel free to email me or, like you just did, come here and vent.
I know you didn't ask what to do, but I'm going to give you some unsolicited advice regarding your mom. No matter how hard it is, don't bring up this matter. If she brings it up, simply tell her this is really hard for you to have to deal with, that she and her husband need to work through this as it is their marriage, and that you love them equally as their daughter and will not take sides.
If I've overstepped my bounds, I apologize. Hang in there -- it does get better!
Some people search for happiness; others create it.
http://happymama58.typepad.com/my_weblog/ |
|
|
