| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| CityCat |
Posted - Apr 18 2006 : 6:30:48 PM
So, I was home for Easter. I was doing my taxes, and had my accountant, Mom, check it over before it was put into an envelope and sent off. Well, she's asking if I did this and if I did that, repeating herself endlessly, and I snapped at her. I hate it when she still treats me like I'm 10! Then she makes a crack comment about, "With an attitude like that no one would ever want to hire YOU! No wonder you don't have a BETTER job... "
Gee, thanks Mom. 
I can't seem to make anyone in my family understand that I LOVE my job. The pay isn't all that great, but I have no debt and I'm even able to save a little. The only thing that really sucks is that I have no health coverage. But, I work with fabulous people, I'm doing something that I'm passionate about, I have very little stress in my life (stress is a real health killer for me) and I'm happy! It's so frustating to know that my family looks down on me and resents that they have to "take care of" me. I have not asked for their help because I don't need it!
I've tried explaining how happy I am, and not stressed out, but it falls on deaf ears. I've now adopted the grin and bear it stance just because I'm sick of repeating myself. And then my Mom lets a comment like the one above out! ARGH!!!!
Sorry, just needed to vent a little.  -Cat |
| 15 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| theoanne |
Posted - Apr 23 2006 : 7:42:51 PM
Cat,
Back to the Mom treating you like your 10 thing.....Let me just say that mine treats me like I'm 12. Now... I have 4 grown sons and 3 stepgrandkids. I'm almost 53, but yes she thinks I'm 12. She even admitted it last time I visited. Daddy and MOm are 81 this year. When her favorite son-in-law, my Steve, and I visit she calls us "the kids" He always thinks this is hysterical.
On the moving in with the parents subject I had a cousin tell me when I was a teen that you should not move out until you were sure you could stay out of the house. Kinda goes with the you can never go back theory. I hear your pain and agree with the conflicts others are experiencing here. Mom and I have never done well under the same roof. Her house or mine! She does not use rules only whatever gets her what she needs for the moment. However she did make a good point when she told me there should only be one grown woman perhousehold. They would never agree. I DO agree with this 100%. I don't know your area at all but agree with the small apartment is better than back home theory.
Good luck Teddie
Good luck. My prayers are with you as you start your new adventure in Toronto. |
| CityCat |
Posted - Apr 20 2006 : 11:21:00 PM
Hey Diane... My stress level probably won't be able to handle living with the parentals long term. I was contemplating living with them for the summer which would give me more time to find a place to live and be closer to work so I wouldn't have to commute for over an hour one way. And help save a bit of money. As it is, I'll be commuting to my new work place for about a month while I wrap things up in Guelph. And it's not like there is public transit to this place either, so I'll become one the polluting, gas guzzling horde. sigh. I'm trying to find a place near Nobleton, Ontario that has reasonable rent and is about 20 mins away. So far, no luck. And I don't know if I want to go the roommate route. The last one was 'fun' so I'm now a bit jaded. And I have a cat. I'm thinking of pressing my sister for a definitive answer about us living together.
Sorry, it sounds like all doom and gloom. Really, if this is all I have to worry about, I'm doing alright.  -Cat |
| Fabulous Farm Femmes |
Posted - Apr 20 2006 : 10:51:56 PM
City Cat, didn't you state in your first paragraph..."Stress is a real heatlth killer for me"...ummm and you are thinking about moving back in with your folks? Pardon me for saying this, but can your stress level deal with that?
Personally I would live in a room with a hot plate before I did that if I needed to save money.But that's me and my folks are way difficult dysfunctional people. But think about it. |
| CityCat |
Posted - Apr 20 2006 : 5:25:50 PM
Hey Julie, yeah, we have a national health insurance, but it doesn't cover dental, eye check ups, glasses/contacts, most prescriptions... If you need to see a doctor or go to the hospital and have stuff done, then it's covered. I was in the hospital for 5 days last year. The only thing I had to pay for was the ambulance ride. I WISH a professional organization in my field offered health coverage, but sadly no.
Yeah, the more I think about it, the more I dread the thought of living with my parents. I would be able to save oodles of money (even after contributing to food, utilites, etc.), but I'm not sure the mental anguish would be worth it. Well, it would be fine for the first few 'honeymoon' weeks, and then the bickering and criticizing will start. Oh, it's going to be so hard to leave my little place! I absolutely love Guelph!  -Cat |
| Juliekay |
Posted - Apr 20 2006 : 05:15:06 AM
Hi Citycat,
Just wanted to say something about the insurance issue. By the way, If you are working in Toronto, aren't you covered by Canadian Health insurance? Anyway, maybe there is a professional organization for your field that offers a health care policy?
As far as the rent goes, I would figure out a way to make it work. Because if she drives you crazy now, just wait till you move in with her. She'll be making comments about who you date, how late you stay out, if you want to have a beer etc, etc, etc. When I was in Chicago, I was living in the suburbs and I desperately wanted to move in to the city and live the city life if even for a short time. I found the absolute cheapest studio possible in about the funnest neighborhood in Chicago and reverse commuted to the burbs. It was totally worth it. And this was making between $25K and $30K per year. So I would either work really hard to convince your sister, or just try to find the cheapest rent possible.
Julie |
| CityCat |
Posted - Apr 19 2006 : 8:36:32 PM
Thanks for all the support. I know I'm doing all right, but it's nice to hear it from other people, you know? And I can say I'm an aquatic invertebrate taxonomist. (oh, I'm such a GEEK!) :)
Yeah, it's the not having health care that is nagging at me. Glasses, dental and prescriptions will run me over $1000 this year. I've considered asking my boss about coverage, but it's a tiny business (average is 3) and she's already covered by her husband's company. I'm currently looking into some basic health insurance out of my own pocket.
Patti, I loved your list. I'll probably send it on to my sister who's currently living at home.
Mary Ann, my Mom has always been my accountant/financial advisor, although after this encounter, I think I may take your suggestion to heart!
And to add to my "troubles" it actually makes more sense for me to move home! The company I work for is moving closer to Toronto, and makes no sense to commute over an hour to get to work from where I currently live, when it would take about 1/2 hr from my parents place. Rent were I currently live is VERY reasonable. Trying to find reasonable rent in or near Toronto is a bit of a crap shoot. What I'm trying to do is convince my sister to go into buying property with me because with our combined incomes, we can get a mortgage. BUT she's hemming and hawing over having to live with me. Which is understandable, I guess... But she's the one who can't STAND to live at home with Mom and Dad. So, living at home with the parentals is looking better and better (and crappier and crappier...) Any thoughts on this? -Cat |
| JennyWren |
Posted - Apr 19 2006 : 7:00:14 PM
Hi...
I may be playing devil's advocate here, but it is possible she doesn't think it is a "real" job because you do not have health insurance?
As a mother of a daughter who had cancer, I can tell you that if we did not have it. I would have been broke for the rest of my life... Her care was nearly a million dollars!
I kind of rode my son until he negoitiated for health insurance with his boss. I didn't want him to quit, because he loves his job. But I wanted him to have the possiblity of good care, if he ever needed it. He was able to sit his boss down and convince him that he and the other employees needed health care benefits. It worked! Is it possible it might work for you too? Never know until you try...
If you treat an individual as what he is, he will stay that way, but if you
treat him as if he were what he could be, he will become what he could be.
-- Goethe
www.jennywrensurbanhomestead.blogspot.com/ |
| celebrate2727 |
Posted - Apr 19 2006 : 3:13:58 PM
thanks sweet patti- she is refusing to talk to me right now. I think she is mad that i am now not the only one who sees she has this problem. before she just blamed me saying i was wrong and making things up. now others are, people she has called and are her friends. so now she is in denial and does not want me to be around. it is a sad situation for sure and i forsee a long road ahead. i am sure i will vent to the farmgirls here when needed. so far i can handle it. on the other side of the coin- i have bar none the very best mother in law in the world. yin and yang
blessings
beth
Dreaming of Friday Night Lights
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| happymama58 |
Posted - Apr 19 2006 : 1:58:29 PM
Beth, so sorry to hear about the dementia. My cousin is going through that with my aunt, and I get lots of "help! I just need to vent" emails. They live in the same town as each other, but several states away from any other family members, so my cousin bears the brunt of things.
Some people search for happiness; others create it.
http://happymama58.typepad.com/my_weblog/ |
| celebrate2727 |
Posted - Apr 19 2006 : 12:00:47 PM
Well said Patti- I will try and take it to heart, bt mom is 84 and has dementia or the start of it. Always critical -but I look at it as a reflection of her dissatisfaction in herself. I like your rules, maybe I'll send them to her!
blessings
beth
Dreaming of Friday Night Lights
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| happymama58 |
Posted - Apr 19 2006 : 10:10:36 AM
Catherine, first of all, before I forget all the names , I have to say I agree with Mary Ann and Michele.
As a 40+ year old daughter, I have to tell you that I have issues with my mom as well. I don't want to say much here because my situation isn't the point, plus I'm trying very hard to be respectful of her no matter what, so I'll just say we've had our struggles over the year. SOme of it has definitely been my fault and some of it not. But I've found that our relationship is much better when I remember a few ground rules. They may not seem "fair", but I figure life isn't supposed to be fair, so I try not to worry about that. Before I give you my ground rules, let me stress that it's taken me 40+ yrs to get to where I am, I'm not perfect at following my own rules, and I'm not trying to preach at you. Okay, here goes:
1. Mom is 73, set in her ways, and she is not wrong just because she's different than me. I must respect her ways, even when I disagree. That's my role as a daughter, adult or not, as long no one is in danger due to her ways. Therefore, I don't confront her or argue with her.
2. That said, in *my* home, dh & I's way of doing things is to be respected as well. So when my mom criticizes or something, I just calmly say something like, "I understand and respect your opinion, Mom, but this is how Steve & I choose to do things in our home." If she persists, I walk away. She tends to nag, but I ignore her or change the subject. I do NOT respond. I just keep changing the subject. Usually to something she loves to talk about. 
3. I never criticize Mom in front of or around anyone but dh, and only in private. I'm not saying it's wrong to vent, like here, but I don't badmouth my mom around my kids or even my friends. We live in a fairly smallish community and many of my friends know my mom's friends or something like that, so I avoid this like crazy.
4. I don't invite her involvement in things that are not her business -- dh & my financial situation, our building plans, etc. I share things with her as done deals OR if it's something I don't mind her opinion on and know it won't bother me if she's critical, I ask her opinion. It doesn't hurt me and it makes her feel as if she's part of my life (she is) and as if I respect her opinion (I do respect her and the fact that she's got lots of experience and wisdom to share).
5. I refrain from all "hot" topics, which between she and I include: politics, religion, and smoking (she does but hides it; I don't & never have).
Okay, I think that pretty much covers it.
My mom does like to push my buttons but has either gotten better over the years or I've learned to handle it better. Probably a bit of both. You probably didn't want to hear all this, but the longer I type, the less I have to pack right now! Only kidding, but I do love to write.
Hang in there. She says what she says out of love. It may not come across that way, but as the mom of 2 teens, I can assure you that we often don't know how to express our love, concern, etc.
Some people search for happiness; others create it.
http://happymama58.typepad.com/my_weblog/ |
| westernhorse51 |
Posted - Apr 19 2006 : 09:39:02 AM
I totally agree w/ you Mary Ann. Your mom means well but the tax thing gave her some "power". We moms will always be moms but sometimes backing off is hard. Good luck.
she selects wool and flax and works with eager hands Prov.31:13 |
| Horseyrider |
Posted - Apr 19 2006 : 07:35:34 AM
Parents are always parents. Even when their kids are grown.
Here's a little tip. Don't ask your mom to check your taxes. To a mother, this is too much like being asked to check your homework, and it invites criticism and spurious instruction. Save your $$$ and go to H&R Block instead. 
Put some emotional distance between you and your parents. You love your job; that's enough. Do what brings YOU joy. |
| lonestargal |
Posted - Apr 18 2006 : 7:37:28 PM
Oh Cat, I'm so sorry that your family treats you like that. If YOU are happy, that's all that matters right now. I don't know if you are married or have children but if you do, as long as your priorities are right and they are ok with your decisions you are fine. If you aren't married or have kids then as long as you are happy and enjoy your job then don't worry about what everyone else thinks. I think that if you have to work it may as well be something that you enjoy and as long as it makes you enough money to put a roof over your head and food on the table and a smile on your face you are doing well!! Keep your chin up, parents can be difficult at times but they mean well |
| _Rebecca_ |
Posted - Apr 18 2006 : 6:59:40 PM
If it's doing something that gets your rear out of bed everyday and you are content with it then you know that it's exactly what you need to be doing! And wow! You have no debt and are saving!!! That's great! You said it yourself that little stress is good for your life, so you may not even need health coverage to the extent that you would doing a more stressful job.
Yes, moms can say things in just the right way and at just the right moment that it can make you furious! You wouldn't be human if it didn't bother you. It doesn't sound like any of the family is ever going to get it, but that's normal. Believe me my family doesn't get me and my husband either, but results will speak for themselves and after awhile maybe it will sink in for them. Don't hold your breathe or anything, but maybe it will happen. Some of my family still don't get our style of living--no cable tv, don't live in a fancy neighborhood w/nice stuff, we are a one-income family, I stay home (completely asinine in their opinion), we don't give our children elaborate toys (I refuse to have battery operated toys), we don't allow our children to stay up late or miss naps, watch gory tv shows, eat tons of junk food, etc. I could go on. But, then they make comments on how well our children play together, how well they go to bed/stay in bed at night, how well they eat (most of the time) etc. They see the results, but they still think that we are overly neurotic about it all, no fun, totally wasting my college experience etc. They don't make the connection. So, that is the nature of family. Who people are effects what they see. These people are related to you and probably it blinds them to some extent about your life.
.·:*¨¨* :·.Rebecca.·:*¨¨* :·.
Wife of Jonathan, Mother of Joel, Caitlyn, Elia |
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