| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| KYgurlsrbest |
Posted - Sep 06 2006 : 08:37:59 AM
Just wanted to some opinions on this one....my husband and I are in our early thirties, and are (constantly) fixing up our fixer upper Arts and Crafts bungalow. Our neighborhood is nice and quiet, and we are the youngest homeowners on either side for about 6-8 houses. We have a nice relationship with our immediate left and right neighbors, both widows, who my husband helps out on occasion. We're having trouble with the neighbor across the street--he retired due to illness, and now he's at home and just picks--on everyone. A few weeks ago, he called the city on our 87 year old neighbor about her "brush" being overgrown and decreasing his property value...she was given 72 hours to clean out about 40 years of growth and poison ivy. Then we got our certified letter about "unsightly storage" and garbage can lids being off...When we called the inspector, he alluded to a "busy body" neighbor "across the street" complaining about our construction items. He's making my husband crazy, and he (like most manly-men) wants to march right over there and do/say something to him about being such a jerk. The power was knocked out recently, and this guy came over to chat us up like we were buddies. My husband walked away rather rudely--and left me standing there. I won't deny that I don't like what he's done, but I really just want to keep the peace. However, he continuously makes it uncomfortable to sit out on our porch, have people over, or do anything that we like to do...he peers out the window when people are parking and comes out to check their license plates; I've been gardening, and he comes over to complain about my cat that slipped out the door (twice this summer) when I let the dogs out. Last week, I was digging some holes for new trees and he came over to warn me about keeping my cat out of his rose bushes--that he saw him sitting on my porch a "month ago" and didn't want him NEAR his yard. Instead of saying something, I waited until he walked away, burst into tears and went inside for the rest of the day until I saw him leave. So, I'm frustrated, with him, myself, and my husband. Any good answers out there on how to handle an unreasonable bully neighbor?
Just think of all of the roads there are...all of the things I haven't seen....yet. |
| 12 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| KYgurlsrbest |
Posted - Sep 25 2006 : 1:38:08 PM
Sorry gals, I've been away for a few days. My husband is a musician and played a music festival so it's been about "him" for a little while :)...Well, I've taken time to read your posts and I still agree with you that kindness is probably the best method in dealing with him, though Jana, that lady and I would have gone round and round, I think. Especially with the herbacides! I will need to swallow my pride a little if I decide to bake (I do bake (very well :)) but, I also believe in not baking or cooking when I'm angry...sounds weird, but sometimes "spite" gets into the recipe, and the food turns out wrong. Call me crazy, but it's happened...I've not seen him around for a few weeks, but last week, his oldest boy (27 or so) was home with his girlfriend, and I was sitting out on the swing when they erupted into some argument--mostly him, yelling about some kids up the street and "how they needed to be taught a lesson...they abuse peoples things, their house looks like garbage, etc...it's just like them to throw a ball near our car. Trash doesn't respect anything, etc..." She looked exhausted, and all the while, I'm thinking to myself, you poor thing, the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree!
Just think of all of the roads there are...all of the things I haven't seen....yet. |
| GaiasRose |
Posted - Sep 18 2006 : 7:20:02 PM
Erica....that isthe very advice I was going to lend....
Jonni....so sorry you have to go through this.
~*~Brightest Blessings~*~
Tasha-Rose |
| Horseyrider |
Posted - Sep 18 2006 : 7:04:39 PM
Jonni, I really like the kill him with kindness routine. It would be a wise first choice because it would keep things from escalating to someplace you don't want to be. I like the idea of organizing the neighborhood to help the widow very much; and I would ask Mr Curmudgeon to participate too. He can choose to be part of the problem, or part of the solution. And maybe he can stand a bit in her shoes, and think of someone besides himself.
Jana, sounds like you need a privacy fence!
And Brenda, you sound like a very compassionate person. You stepped outside your own irritation and saw the pain in this man. The people in your everyday life are lucky to have you. |
| flowerchild |
Posted - Sep 18 2006 : 6:53:27 PM
Jonni- Like everyone else who has posted, I am sure sorry to hear about the trouble you are having with your neighbor. I think the main thing that comes to my mind is "hurting people hurt people". I think maybe that man has alot of his own hurts and wounds that are coming out against you and anyone else in the line of fire. I completely agree with the kindness approach. Do you bake? There's something amazingly special about a warm loaf of bread tied in a colorful dishtowel, or a freshly baked plate of cookies. Even if you don't get a positive response at the time of delivering the goodie, it usually has it's desired effect in time. YOu never know, maybe he is so mean and nasty because he has been hurt so much. Maybe just the thought that someone would push past his prickly outside to do something kind for him in spite of him, will make a difference. Good Luck! |
| Jana |
Posted - Sep 18 2006 : 2:49:08 PM
Jonni,
I can totally relate to what you are going through. For 20 years we have had what I will call the "weed wars" with our next door neighbor. She is a retired nurse and really needs a hobby. She harrassed my kids about our lawn (we don't do chemicals as my husband and child both have exema on their feet), she has sent us "anonymous" letters about parking a motorized vehicle on the lawn, and on and on and on. I gave up with putting a garden along the side of the garage, which faces her house. The constant yelling about how I'm not "doing it right" was just too much. I have found her in our yard sprinkling herbicide early in the morning. This went on and on and finally when my husband was out mowing and when he did our lot line, he did the first row facing her place and the lawn clippings went on "her side" of the line. She came out and started in on him. I wish I could tell you it went well, but I flew out of the house and told her to mind her own business and to stay the **** out of our yard or I'd have her arrested for trespassing. :::sigh::: Not terribly mature of me I suppose, but 20 years of this!!! And as for my husband. His big white covered trailer is parked on the driveway, near to her home. And there, he says, it will stay 24/7 until either we move or she dies.
I think this is why some people move out into the country!
Jana |
| KYgurlsrbest |
Posted - Sep 07 2006 : 06:56:51 AM
Kill em with kindness...another one my mom used to tell me. I'm simply going to have to work up enough courage to make myself wave to him now and again....for our 5th anniversary, my husband bought me a porch swing, and I've tried EVERY way possible to think of another place to put it instead of the front porch. That's pretty silly to let him make me hate my home so much. I'll fix his wagon--I like all of the suggestions here--I'll start with the kindness thing, and if that gives him the feeling that he can step on my toes more, then I'll put the hammer down. In all of this, my husband will just have to sit tight. I understand his frustration for sure, but we all have to live here, and even though this man is sick, he's got quite a bit of venom in him yet, so I don't anticipate an early departure...You girls are great.
Just think of all of the roads there are...all of the things I haven't seen....yet. |
| Amie C. |
Posted - Sep 07 2006 : 06:53:59 AM
Isn't it disillusioning to see old people acting so mean and petty? I always liked and respected the old people I knew when I was a child, but not so much these days. I wonder if the new generation of old people is just different.
My in-laws moved into a retirement community a few years ago and they had nothing but trouble with the neighbors from the start. Complaints about where they stored their garbage cans, what they kept on their porch, how often we visited them and for how long, etc. After my father-in-law died, my mother-in-law suddenly had some health problems and let her flower beds get weedy. You would have thought she was a child molester, the way her next door neighbors treated her. I have to say, people who are healthy and strong enough, and have the free time, to make their own yards perfect might have some pity and kindness for those in trouble, especially in a retirement community where the idea is to be surrounded by people with the same preferences and concerns as yourself.
I'm afraid I don't have any solutions to offer, I'm just posting this as a warning. If you move into a place that's governed by a neighborhood association, ordinary human decency goes right out the window. If you live in an ordinary neighborhood that's only governed by local law, make sure you know what your rights and obligations actually are. You don't have to be bullied by your neighbor's personal likes and dislikes if they aren't a matter of law, and if they are you can dispute them with specific facts.
So sorry your neighbor is a jerk. I know that's not easy to live with, even if he has no legal power over you.
Amie |
| brightmeadow |
Posted - Sep 06 2006 : 7:06:16 PM
I had an older man next door at my last house. He was spending a lot of time outdoors in the back yard throwing the frisbee to his dog, and suddenly he started noticing the water puddles in the bottom of his yard. He decided my chestnut tree roots had grown into the drainage tiles across the backs of all our yards and started nagging me about them. Then the trees died. I didn't think he was right, but, he was an old man, and I wanted to be a good neighbor. So, I got a shovel and started digging. I got down about two feet and my husband (then my fiance) took pity on me and borrowed a ditch witch. He went down six feet, hit the drain tile, and water bubbled up - the problem was not with the roots of the chestnuts. So, the old man decided it must be the roots of the cedar tree on the other side of my yard. My fiance dug up the tile again, again, flooded my yard, and the problem was still downhill - in my neighbor's yard on the other side. When the old man realized this, he then mentioned that, oh yeah, the other neighbor had a problem with a pine tree a few years before I moved in and cut down the tree after cleaning out the drain tile. Well this was nice to know after digging two big six-foot holes in my yard! He could have mentioned it earlier!
We borrowed a few sump pumps to pump out the water, got the downhill neighbor to get the Roto-Rooter man out, filled in the holes, but the dirt settled, and we had to fill in again, and again....
I felt sorry for him because he was dying of colon cancer. He did finally spit out something like an apology - he said that being a homeowner was a lot of trouble!
He died shortly after this and I don't really regret digging the holes. I think having a problem to work on other than his own health probably helped him deal with some of the pain and confusion. Of course my husband did all the work, and he wasn't too happy about it....
You shall eat the fruit of the labor of your hands - You shall be happy and it shall be well with you. -Psalm 128.2
Visit my blog at http://brightmeadowfarms.blogspot.com, web site store at http://www.watkinsonline.com/fish or my homepage at http://home.earthlink.net/~brightmeadow |
| katiedid |
Posted - Sep 06 2006 : 6:30:06 PM
Jonni
You know, some people are just grumpy and it gets so much worse as they get older...
My advice is kill 'em with kindness...be so nice it is sickening.
We all know 'you get more bees with honey'
Before you know it that grouchy old guy will be eating out of your palm....
Think about it.
Kate
http://theknifemakerswife.blogspot.com/2006/07/knifemakers-wife.html |
| bramble |
Posted - Sep 06 2006 : 09:31:11 AM
Joni- We have a neighbor husband/wife team like your neighbor. We dealt with it by ignoring them for quite awhile after they called zoning because my Dad's car was at our house(we were waiting for probate!) It began to gnaw at me and make my experience living here unpleasant so I decided to turn the tables. I asked her to please remove the Virginia creeper she planted on my fence or I was going to bill her for half of the fences replacement value since it was a very destructive plant and I had asked nicely before to stop it spreading. Her son drove over our water meter cover and broke it to the tune of $200.00 to replace it so we had the water company send them the bill, and just this morning I had to go outside and tell her brainless husband he could cut his trees down to the ground for all I cared but stop putting the branches and brush over the fence in my yard!
There are just some people who have more time than they know what to do with and it turns into a busybody attack on everyone else. These same people always seem all too eager to enforce rules they don't think apply to themselves. (our neighbors had an unfenced pool, and built an illegal deck w/o permits). Next time he approaches you try this " Thanks for letting me know...I was wondering when you were going to take care of that drooping gutter (whatever needs fixing...) on your house? I believe that's a violation of the zoning/construction/town ordinance. See if that doesn't send him scurrying! I didn't used to be this feisty but you can't let those kind of people intimidate you into not enjoying your own home.
(I will save my stories of the neighbor outback who mows in his tidy whities for another day!)Good luck and don't let him ruin your day!
with a happy heart |
| KYgurlsrbest |
Posted - Sep 06 2006 : 09:29:11 AM
So sorry about your sister. There have been days where I've thought that moving would be better. However, shaming him is a great idea--my mother always said "shame creates change"... I've never been one for confrontation, especially being raised in the south--I'm supposed to respect my elders! But gosh, he's just such a stinker. I know he's going to be on the rally again, here, real soon. Maybe I can head him off at the pass like you suggested. My husband says he admires that I don't want to cause more friction, but he quickly forgets about that when I start feeling so bad. I'm glad I came here, honestly. Gals have mad problem solving skills, and this forum is so impartial.
Just think of all of the roads there are...all of the things I haven't seen....yet. |
| LJRphoto |
Posted - Sep 06 2006 : 09:16:13 AM
Jonni, I'm so sorry you are going through this. I watched my sister go through this a few years ago but she was caught in the middle of about 5 busy body neighbors and just finally had to sell her house. Fortunately it doesn't sound like the whole neighborhood is ganging up on you, just one bored, lonely man. You're right, he's definitely a bully, and all bullies are cowards. The only way I've ever had success in dealing with bullies is by backing them down. I'm definitely not suggesting violence. I've backed down bullies just by pointing out in not so polite terms that their behavior is unacceptable to me and shaming them for things they've done.
How about this? Next time he reports your elderly neighbor (or even before), try organizing the neighborhood to help her out. Don't let on that you know he's the one doing it, just go knock on his door and say, oh, poor Mrs. Neighbor, she has such a hard time keeping up with her yard and someone keeps reporting her so we're all pitching in to help her get things cleaned up. Here's the date and time we're getting together, why don't you come out and help? We're all going to have so much fun doing it.
You could even make it like a carry in lunch/dinner kind of thing. It will shame him to no end.
"I would feel more optimistic about a bright future for man if he spent less time proving that he can outwit Nature and more time tasting her sweetness and respecting her seniority." -E. B. White
http://www.betweenthecities.com/blog/ljr/
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