| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| Dusky Beauty |
Posted - May 21 2012 : 5:05:50 PM
How do you motivate someone to care about their future when today is the only day they think about?
I have a 19 year old sister that I cannot get to do anything.
She'll clean for me when I ask her to--- but ONLY when I ask her to. And only as long as I insist upon it.
She's got some kind of addiction problem-- to diversion! It doesn't matter what it is that she does to fill her time, if she enjoys it, she becomes obsessive.
Example-- Internet, unchecked: 14 -18 hour days online in chat rooms, deviantart and tumblr. Failed out of two different charter high schools because she wouldn't do homework. BARELY passed public school for diploma. Kicked out of community college because she stopped doing work for class-- tumblr and deviantart and chatting was more important. Mom didn't do a thing but throw her hands up in the air frustrated.
I pulled the plug when she entered into an illicit online relationship with someone under age. Not on my IP address missy.
Took away internet connection. Still uses computer 12-16 hours to draw all day (between me demanding she do her fair share of chores).
Take away computer, watches Japanese cartoons and DvDs in her room all day.
Take away TV, reads books in her room all day.
She failed her sophmore year in high school because she got into dolls at the time and spent all her time customizing them. Mom felt like she had no choice but to take away the dolls (so she quit the hobby completely.)
Clearly "taking away" the vice is not the cure I guess. It's a never ending vicious cycle.
She does OK for a while... we get wrapped up in raising our own children, or mom stops policing the privileges, and BAM-- she's back on the internet. At first she gets permission for legit business; looking for jobs, signing up for classes etc... then she's doing other stuff while she's "waiting for the page to load", and then she's not doing the "work" at all, just faking it hoping we buy into it for another few hours or week.
When we try to do the "intervention thing" (about once or twice a month now.)
She hangs her head and acknowledges her guilt, she enthusiastically accepts our suggestions to impose some self control in her life-- and it goes GREAT for 2 days-- then she finds a way to work around her OWN SELF IMPOSED LIMITS to do whatever she wants to do in the moment, just as she does for the limits we impose upon her.
Have I yet mentioned her erratic sleep due to her fun time? She does great when she adheres to the imposed bed time and wake up time and lives by a schedule... but that first side step off snowballs fast.
If she can eek out an extra 30 minutes, she'll try an hour the next night. If that works, she'll try for two.
Next time I notice something amiss, she's dragging herself out of bed just barely, slipping in any nap she can get.
I caught her sleeping on the bathroom floor, with the door locked. Twice. At first she claims she doesn't know how she got there, and I panic because we have family members with seizure disorders. Further questions and begging her to go to the hospital brings out that she just nipped off for a nap because she figured no one would bug her in the bathroom.
Last time we found her doing it on her bedroom floor we drug her off to the ER for tests, and they turned up nothing. She went with the whole "I don't remember anything" story until the ct scan-- THEN confessed to pretending to have a seizure so she didn't get in trouble for sleeping.
She does have some medical issues (she takes something for depression and it seems to be helping... before she would mope for days and talk about killing herself because she was "worthless" and "a burden"... now she just bounces back to "normal sunny self" after brooding over everyone "being mean to her" in an hour or two.
She also has a thyroid condition that USED to mess with her sleep cycles and energy until she started taking medication.
We know she is taking her pills. She may have had the same lazy issues, but it's still like she's a whole different person... a person who is capable, but chooses not to be.
I don't know... this can't go on. She's not in any way disabled, no learning disability. She's intelligent enough to handle anything she tries... problem is she never tries.
She keeps insisting she doesn't have any goals, dreams or desires.
I don't understand her motivation, or lack of it.
"Taking it away" is not any kind of effective punishment. At this point I'm just yanking the personal electronic entertainment just because she pays for none of the power, so she isn't entitled to waste it hiding out from life.
I am out of ideas.
Maybe someone else has some new ones??
Opinion seems to be divided-- put her out of the house to sink or swim, or accept that she may be "under mature" and should be treated more like a 16 year old.
Put her through a battery of tests and therapy and treatment and explore her for brain chemistry imbalances like bipolar and ADHD... or accept that she may just be a master manipulator.
I don't even know anymore.
~*~ http://silverstarfamilyfarm.blogspot.com/ ~*~
“When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me.”
~Erma Bombeck |
| 11 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| countrymommy85 |
Posted - May 27 2012 : 08:34:35 AM
I'd get her a re-eval. Thyroid and anti-depressents can be pretty tricky and depression could possibly be masking an underlying root issue so it sure wouldn't hurt getting her back to see a doctor and you can always get a second opinion! Best of luck to both you and her :)
Mothers are those wonderful people who can get up in the morning before the smell of coffee. ~Author Unknown
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| Dusky Beauty |
Posted - May 26 2012 : 9:10:21 PM
Well, Katherine has been computer free here for about 4 days. Day before yesterday she went to go visit mom at her new house overnight-- I heard from mom that she continually asked to borrow their computers. My mom told her in no uncertain terms that "no, you are here visiting family, not visiting my computer." She tried to bribe brother for $5 to use his lap top... this kid has 20$ to her name in the whole world.
She's behaving startlingly like an addict, and I think you're right about the ADHD Marrianne, I've suspected for a little while now. Bipolar 2 is also a possibility... but if that's the case the antidepressants she has should be giving her major manic triggers and I'm not really seeing that either.
~*~ http://silverstarfamilyfarm.blogspot.com/ ~*~
“When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me.”
~Erma Bombeck |
| rough start farmgirl |
Posted - May 26 2012 : 03:58:16 AM
Jen,
My guess, because let's face it, that's all we are doing without more knowledge, is that she is really intelligent. The way she can go from one activity, have it taken away, and then completely immerse in another at the expense of everything else, sounds like ADHD. I know that sounds backward, but it is the way ADHD sufferers attach themselves to their interests.
The intelligence and ADHD seem to go hand in hand. And I think the "taking away" does work. You just have to quit switching what you take away and instead add to what you take away. It's like giving children choices. You just have to make sure you are OK with them choosing any of the choices you are giving them. Otherwise, remove the other choices.
good luck. It sounds like a pain in the rear.
Marianne |
| sjmjgirl |
Posted - May 25 2012 : 6:07:07 PM
I'm sorry you are going through this. I'm keeping you in my prayers. Maybe if you make it clear that she must abide by certain ground rules in order to live in your house, you might have some luck. For example, she has to see a doctor and follow his advice, she must contribute to the household and must find a job. If she doesn't, she needs to find another place to live. Of course, you would have to do what fits your family the best. Hopefully,everything will work out.
Farmgirl Sister # 3810
Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
- Dalai Lama
April is Autism Awareness month. Autism affects 1 in 88 children (1 in 54 boys, including my son). Go to http://www.autismspeaks.org/ to learn more and help Light It Up Blue on April 2nd!
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| Farmtopia |
Posted - May 24 2012 : 11:08:13 PM
Ok, we just had this with a distant relative of ours.
I'm only going to give you a few suggestions since I'm not 100% there in your situation but--the cousin had severe depression, and she was doing the same thing...keeping to herself, not going out, on the computer for all hours, then scrapbooking. Mostly this was all she could put her energy into and she became manic about it so she wouldn't have to face HERSELF and the outside world. Mostly these are kind of feelings of inadequacy and fear, and she would overstress when not doing anything she wanted to do. She also had quite low self esteem and felt anything she would do was a failure, so would do things that she knew she would be successful at, and then go crazy with them--which is just misguided energy.
I would re-evaluate your sister. Depression carries a LOT with it--and since you mention thyroid--our cousin's hormones were ALL over and they really triggered it. Getting her internal workings under thyroid meds might help you. The reward system doesn't, it's much more complicated than that, I think.
Good luck to you, this sounds so hard and it's often hard to watch someone you love go through so much. Hats off to your family!
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| prariehawk |
Posted - May 22 2012 : 7:21:46 PM
It might help to use positive reinforcement. She can use the computer IF she does her chores. She might have obsessive-compulsive disorder--I'm just guessing. If she's OCD then there are some medications that can help with it. Underneath her "laziness" she's probably miserable. I can't imagine anyone being happy living like that. I hope she gets some help.
Cindy
"Vast floods can't quench love, no matter what love did/ Rivers can't drown love, no matter where love's hid"--Sinead O'Connor
"In many ways, you don't just live in the country, it lives inside you"--Ellen Eilers
Visit my blog at http://www.farmerinthebelle.blogspot.com/ |
| Dusky Beauty |
Posted - May 22 2012 : 11:27:48 AM
Thanks Jeanna,
I've seen it before in one of my husbands friends from high school... a pair of brothers, both 30+ now, never had a job ever-- just play computer games all day every day with no drive to do anything new-- mom and dad never demanded anything or made any expectations, so they are content to live off of the grandparent's trust funds. Last I heard their parents were trying to buy a campground for the boys to run when the parents die.
Now THAT'S lazy.
~*~ http://silverstarfamilyfarm.blogspot.com/ ~*~
“When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me.”
~Erma Bombeck |
| Jeanna |
Posted - May 22 2012 : 09:18:02 AM
I have no answers just wanted you to know that I know where you come from. I have a 23 year old son who although, is somewhat different, is still as unmotivated and unconcerned as your sister. People from the outside tell us what we are doing wrong. It is totally different when you live with it. Just good luck.
Jeanna
Farmgirl Sister #41
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined.
Henry David Thoreau |
| annielaurel |
Posted - May 22 2012 : 04:57:42 AM
It sounds like she is very intelligent and needs re-evaluation from a doctor. She must be motivated sometimes to be so involved with the things you mentioned that were taken away from her.
I am sorry that you are going through such a tough time with her. You must love her so very much and be such a caring sister. I pray that you will soon find peace and have comfort in this stressful situation.
Hugs,
Nancy
Farmgirl Sister #230l
Make everyday a celebration of the heart. |
| oldbittyhen |
Posted - May 21 2012 : 6:46:24 PM
I really think she needs to go back to docter also, probally needs to be re-evaluated by a mental health doctor...
"Knowlege is knowing that a tomato is a fruit, Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad" |
| SpyChicken |
Posted - May 21 2012 : 5:35:00 PM
This is a really tough situation for you-I'm sorry! In my very humble opinion, I would try to involve her doctor again...since you mentioned that she has been taking medications for both depression and a thyroid condition, maybe she needs a re-eval? I don't know much about either condition, but it might be a good place to start. But I do think that while you are helping her get some medical evaluation, you should maybe discuss some very firm boundaries with her.
I hope that helps-it might be a place to begin getting things back on track for both her AND you (since it can be very draining for you to live in this kind of situation). I wish you the best of luck and keep us posted!!
Farm Girl Hugs,
christine |
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