| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| KYgurlsrbest |
Posted - Nov 13 2006 : 09:44:13 AM
Hi gals. I've been trying to find a way to word this for a few weeks, but just haven't had the courage to and when I read the "blessings for our husbands" thread, I feel WORSE. My husband is going through something, though I can't pin it...we never used to fight about money, and though there wasn't much, we never had problems paying our bills. Now, we ONLY have problems with money. He has a job now, but quit his job abruptly last April, which put us behind. He was out of work for several months, because he wanted to make a career change, and spend more time with me. I was really supportive because we've always been apart (he was a bartender--late hours) but we just kept getting more and more behind, and so, he went back to serving. He found a job late summer with daytime hours and no weekends (which is great), but he is making less than $85 dollars a week, serving lunches from 10-2 pm, and it's been really difficult to get by. I am a paralegal, employed full time, carry our benefits and our retirement funds. I really feel like a jerk even posting about this, but I'm losing sleep at night to worry, and I've talked and talked to him about our unpaid bills, with very little response. I'm wearing glasses that are 8 years out of date because I can't even afford my contact lenses, but he doesn't seem to see any issues with our sacrifices. Now he's distant and somewhat stubborn about making any sort of change. We have $16.00 until Friday, with a few groceries but no toilet paper and no trash bags. He lost his last two paychecks, ($24.00 and $12.00). And, on Monday, he took the $40.00 that he made and bought cd's, after I told him that I needed every single penny that week to pay the electric (my money was going to the house payment). I had to use housepayment money for the electric, and I'm behind again. After work everday, I have to ASK him if he made any money, and he reluctantly gives it to me. I feel like his mother! I feel terrible--like I'm some kind of failure that I can't stretch this money...when I read all of these postings about frugality, and the way folks live, I just get more frustrated. I resent him because, while I'm glad he's home more, it's really taxed us, and all of my income is spent on bills and household items--not frivolity. It's for "us", but I feel like the only one on the team, you know? I've considered getting another job, but I resent it, and wonder why I should have to? I want to quit arguing but you see, I'm torn between the "better or worse" part of my vows :) So, suggestions would be really helpful... If anyone has had experience with money issues, I would appreciate it...the more we talk or argue about it, the more distant we become from one another, and I'd like to stop it before we get too far to turn back.
Just think of all of the roads there are...all of the things I haven't seen....yet. |
| 25 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| ktknits |
Posted - Nov 27 2006 : 2:02:18 PM
Good for you!! I've been thinking & praying about your situation. I'm glad it's taken a positive turn--let's just hope the momentum keeps going!
Farmgirl (((Hugs!!)))
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| KYgurlsrbest |
Posted - Nov 27 2006 : 1:03:59 PM
Update! I just got off the phone with my husband and he's going to be working 7 days a week through Christmas, working Saturday nights, and picking up Christmas parties Sunday Evening and Monday Evening (the restaurant is only open those evenings for private parties). I'm really happy, but am trying not to get my hopes up--it's still iffy, but he actually did something about our situation. I really haven't talked with him about it since my last posts, and I've been really trying to stay positive, no innuendo, being conservative and trying to remember what it was like to just be happy with each other, without the material things involved...now, that isn't to say I sleep through the night, or that when I first open my eyes, I'm not thinking about bills, but I've been better to HIM. Last night, he mentioned casually that he was going to put in a resume and application at another dining establishment to work nights because he felt let down by his current employer. She recently hired two new servers and a new host, instead of providng more shifts to loyal employees who really need the cash. Today, he told her that he needed to get out on time because he was going to the other restaurant to apply! She got all discombobulated and suddenly, he's got more shifts and on the nights when you make money!
Thanks for all the positive enforcement and advice. I'm really looking forward to rebuilding my respect and our relationship. I never thought I'd look this forward to paying bills!!!!
Just think of all of the roads there are...all of the things I haven't seen....yet. |
| Past Blessings |
Posted - Nov 20 2006 : 10:45:36 AM
Hi Jonni,
First of all let me offer my heart felt support and compassion to you. I really think there is a reason why money is referred to as "the root of all evil". Not because it in itself is bad, but because of what it does to us in our actions and responses. The anger, frustration, etc. that comes from either the lack of or mis-use of seems to have more power than most issues we deal with relationally.
When I started the thread about speaking blessings to our husbands, please know it was not because my husband is a sinless, perfect provider who looks like George Clooney! LOL! He is just an average guy who works hard and frequently makes stupid mistakes and is often insensitive. In other words, he is just like most of ours husbands! LOL! But I do need to focus on the good and not the bad, and that was really the main gest of my post. We ned to be cheerleaders even when it looks like they are losing the game!
That being said, it sounds like your issue has reached a "crisis" point. Your husband is not taking on the role of provider as he should and it is compromising your respect for him. It has been commonly stated by "the experts" such as James Dobson, Dr. Phil, etc. that respect and love go hand and hand. If you lose respect for your husband, it is hard to keep the feelings of love going. That is why it is SO important that you take action. Your husband needs counseling and accountability. Is there a group of men (church?) that could meet with him on a regular basis? My husband was in a men's acountability group for several years. They dealt with everything from finances to intimacy issues in the group and the fresh perspectives of the others really helped. It brought an objective view to things. My guess is right now your husband is feeling very bad about himself and his distancing himself from you emotionally is how he protects himself and doesn't have to deal with these feelings. A man's self esteem is very much connected to being the provider and protector of his family. When he is not within this God-given responsibility, he cannot have peace. Until he steps up to the plate, he never will. Please seek out a church and find a pastor to talk to about your issue. You might be very surprised by the amount of support and encouragement you will find. In the meantime, you need to be praying for your husband that he will realize how much God loves him and that he will see the need to be the man God has made him to be. But that is really the extent of it. You can not force him to change. If you badger him, it will simply heighten the situation and cause him to become angry and defensive. Asking him daily what he made, is just driving a wedge. Another thought would be to all go to consumer counseling or consumer debt services. These are non-profit organizations that offer financial counseling, will set up budgets, offer career and job change counseling and can even go to bat for you to get creditors to drop interest rates and lower monthly payments.
Stop beating yourself up . . . you have been a good and supportive wife. You are now at a crisis point and this means now is when you stop being an island and instead reach out and let people help you. If I was closer to you, I'd be driving right over with cookies and tea and a large dose of encouragement. You are in my prayers!
Brenda
Past Blessings . . . Celebrating Life as it used to be . . . when people loved God, loved their families and loved their country. |
| blueroses |
Posted - Nov 20 2006 : 09:38:37 AM
Hi Jonni,
I have to say that I've been through these things in the past and even saw it in my parent's marriage. My dad was bipolar and my mom just got tough for us kids and was the breadwinner. She never had the strength to stand up to his destructive behaviour and I think I got into the same type of situation in my first marriage. Like Jill says - two people have to be in the marriage. I'm Catholic and we are supposed to be together forever once married. He wouldn't go to counseling - he wouldn't give me money and I had two kids to take care of. Finally I had to take the step. I'm hoping that you don't reach that point. I went for help to my church and was totally blown away when I was told pretty much what Jill has said. It was very hard to end things, but I was much better off in the end.
PS: Have been married to my current husband for 10+ years. We are a team in all ways. There are some things he won't do - clean bathroom so he does other things - laundry, dishes. There are some things I won't do (unless I have to) and we share the load. I never thought I would be this happy. My children are grown now, but we are giving them the example of how a marriage can and should be.
I hope this works for you. I truly do. We are all here for you. Just be aware that there is hope one way or the other.
"You cannot find peace...by avoiding life."
Virginia Woolfe |
| primjillie |
Posted - Nov 15 2006 : 11:38:58 AM
Jonni ~ I appreciate you responding to me! I was afraid someone would take my post wrong and be offended. I think it is inspiring that you are so devoted to your marriage. I think few people try hard to make it really work these days ~ they always want the easy out. Only you can decide when you have had enough and feel like you have done all you can. I just didn't understand the tone (not yours) that women had to sacrifice their happiness and self esteem so that their husbands wouldn't feel bad about their choices in life. As I said before, I feel marriage is a two way street, and even though one partner is usually bending more than the other (and usually switches between the two), there should be a balance and one person shouldn't be suffering indefinitely at the expense of another. We are all entitled to be happy, and sometimes that might include tough choices to get to the point. A lot of single, working women are perfectly happy with their choice to be that way. I hope you find your true happiness. |
| KYgurlsrbest |
Posted - Nov 15 2006 : 07:56:30 AM
Such a great offering, Kathy. I agree--I really Do hate being angry at him. I think that's why I tried to go home Monday afternoon, after my original posting (and all the support and great offerings) and tried to just "be happy". It makes a difference, certainly, in the way we deal with one another in almost every aspect. I think that's why in my original post I referenced the "blessing to our husbands" post...I love him, dearly, but every time I read that thread, I just felt terrible because all I could think of was the "yuck" part.
I will admit that it's going to be a little difficult to always keep my chin up, but I am making an effort daily (well, since Monday) to say supportive things, and NOT inquire about "how much $$$" etc...maybe that will also help him feel like he's a part of our marriage and like you said, not just a "unit of earning power"...wish me luck and keep us in your thoughts. I certainly see my shortcomings in this situation, too. And I so appreciate all of these alternate processes to think through. We can sometimes have such tunnel vision....
Just think of all of the roads there are...all of the things I haven't seen....yet. |
| ktknits |
Posted - Nov 15 2006 : 07:24:20 AM
One thing we haven't really talked about here yet is forgiveness. I don't have a lot of time to go into it because I'm at work right now, but that's when I seemed to turn a corner with my husband and our relationship. When we go through trials we can emotionally get better or get bitter. I needed to understand that he had some problems, and to forgive him for not being everything I wanted him to be for me; for my own health & well being because the resentment I had was just eating me up, making me physically sick, very hateful to everyone, & it was ultimately making me bitter, and that's just not who I wanted to be--a bitter, unforgiving woman.
I could also see him spiraling down in a pool of unforgiveness toward himself for not being able to be what he though a husband needed to be. He lashed out with all sorts of behavior at that time, and it would have been very, very, VERY easy for me to just walk away. With lots of prayer we have worked through quite a few problems. We all need to be aware that life isn't perfect, and we all need to love, forgive and work with each other. It's very difficult when one partner is trying and the other isn't, but I decided that I wanted to be there to pick him up when he had fallen instead of walking away and letting him flounder on his own. And, I hope that if I was ever not working that my husband would be there to pick me up and run with the responsibility of the family instead of walking away from me too! We are married to people, not "units of earning power".
When I get home tonight I'll try to get my thoughts together. I also have some good books on forgiveness. I just know that it's hard to forgive, but it was the best thing I could do for myself as well as our marriage. Will keep you in my prayers. |
| KYgurlsrbest |
Posted - Nov 15 2006 : 06:32:11 AM
Jill--when I was living with my longtime boyfriend, who was an alcoholic (sleeping in ditches, dui's, etc.--no kidding), we went to counselling. After he stopped going because "she was picking on him" she explained to me that no matter how much I wanted him to "see" the issues, and to stop bad things from happening to us, I couldn't make him care, or stop what he was doing. He had to hit, what she termed "rock bottom"--maybe it would be an accident, or an alcohol related illness, killing someone, being on the street, whatever, but it would be a CONSEQUENCE of his alcoholism and that would be the only thing that would help him see his issues. He had ceased to really care about himself, and in turn me. By that time, I honestly didn't care enough about him to wait around for him to "see" the light, but I hear he's married and teaching at a college, so I would say she was on the right track....
I'm incredibly dedicated to my marriage, and honestly feel that I go to great lengths to secure his happiness (enter mothering), but we we were once equal partners, and that's no more. I've asked, begged, offered assistance, circled want ads, cried, and literally watched him sleeping like a baby while I lie awake, worried about the next bill(s), all seem to be met with placating words and no action. I wonder what comes next? If I go to counselling, I'll probably end up at there by myself, and because I'm the person that chooses to stay in this marriage instead of bailing when times get rough, then I'm sort of at his mercy, aren't I? Right now, I've been skipping bills monthly, borrowing from Peter to pay Paul. If I just do what is within our financial power, and something gets turned off, well, it just does. It will be terrible on my pride, but maybe it will affect his, too.
I guess my question is at what point do I disrespect myself--enabling his behavior by consistently finding an answer. I have literally ceased to be who I used to be. I'm a ball of worry and I'm constantly strategizing and "working" the numbers and I still lose. I'm simply tired. And in need of a new direction.
Christine said "we're reminded that two really are better than one, "for if they fall, one will lift the other up." This is my ideal...and I simply want things to go back to the way they once were. We were always on the same side, and it doesn't feel that way anymore. I will reiterate that I think it's ridiculous that there should even have to BE a lesson--we are both thinking, intelligent people, but we seem to have lost our way, together.
Just think of all of the roads there are...all of the things I haven't seen....yet. |
| primjillie |
Posted - Nov 14 2006 : 2:47:51 PM
I have to admit I am puzzled by some of these posts. I do admit that sometimes I "mother" my husband, but I really can't imagine letting things go downhill (utilities cut off, selling personal items, not eating well or healthy, not being able to afford basic needs) just to teach my husband a lesson or hope he accepts some responsibility for our finances and our lives. How long do you do that and to what lengths can you let yourself go before you reach your limit? I consider myself a Christian, but I don't believe that marriage means losing respect for ourselves. I really don't want to offend anyone, but marriage is a two way street, and both parties need to put in effort and respect and responsibility to make it work. I am about the same age as some of the posters with problems, and I can't imagine working, trying to maintain a home, and support a family while my husband refuses to work or is so reluctant to put in his share for expenses. Am I missing something or is this just a case of different strokes for different folks? |
| MsCwick |
Posted - Nov 14 2006 : 2:27:04 PM
If you say it's like a game to him, is it possible he is doing this on purpose to drive you away?
I know that sounds mean, but some people just can't tell the truth. |
| lamamama |
Posted - Nov 14 2006 : 1:54:26 PM
Hi, Jonni
I don't have much to add, you've gotten some excellent advice & ideas. From my past experience, I would just cast my vote for immediate counseling. Although I don't live in Ky now, I know Northern Ky. well, & there are loads of places to connect you with free or sliding scale services. Family Services organizations are all over Northern Ky. for instance. Just get going on it - for both your sake & your husbands. Many prayers for you...........
Melanie |
| MsCwick |
Posted - Nov 14 2006 : 1:49:33 PM
Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another.
-Romans 13:8
Keep your lives free from the love of money, and be content with what you have for hae has said " I will never leave you or forsake you"
-Hebrews 13:5
Two are better than one, for if they fall, one will lift up the other
-Ecclesiastes 4:9,10
No other topic has generated more frustration, more gut-wrenchingconversations, or more confusion in our marriage than finances. 'Katie' and I did not get very far into our marriage before we came face to face with financial pressure.
Finances continue to be a challenge for us. We both attended graduate school after we married, and now we face the reality of repaying our loans as well as trying to pay for a house, a car and our children's needs. What's more, it seems that when one of us is intent on saving, the other yearns to spend money and vice versa, We hem eachother in, creating a balance that sometimes works and sometimes leaves us in tension with eachother.
Though we'vecome to no magic formulas, we have learned that working seperately only keeps us stuck. When we work together, we're reminded that two really are better than one, "for if they fall, one will lift the other up." In the ebb and flow of dealing with the financial responsibilities, we've found this to be true. The two of us are stronger than either of us is on our own.
-Excerpt from 365 Meditations For Couples.
I hope the religious standpoint hasn't offended anyone, if it has, I offer my apology in advance.
Sincerely,
Cristine |
| MsCwick |
Posted - Nov 14 2006 : 1:26:00 PM
Jonni, I want to tell you that you are not alone in this. Look at the other women, just on this board alone, that can relate to this. I too have been in this situation to the point where I threatened divorce. I was working 50plus hours per week as an Asst Mgr of Tractor Supply, working really hard! And my husband was sitting at home. Doing NOTHING. We would fight and fight and it was really bad. I actaully started making calls for him, to find him a job, and it worked out ok, although the job didn't last, at least he tried. My main point was that when we got married, Josh said he didn't want me to HAVE to work unless I wanted to, so I was really confused when the tables turned. I would literally go through the newspaper, dialing numbers, and handing him the phone. He found a job remodeling a nursing home. He enjoyed the work so much that after 4 months there, we started our own painting and remodeling business. Since then I haven't needed to work. I'm not trying to brag on our situation that worked out, because now that we own the business, we still fight over the massive amounts of money that we, yes I sais WE, spend!! Josh said he couldn't work FOR anyone, so now he's the boss. Maybe your husband needs to go out on a limb and try something different. I agree with letting the things get turned off. I never had the electric turned off until Josh and I were engaged, and it scared me to death. Men are supposed to be providers, and I know how it makes you feel like mommy to be provider and asking for money, but you should pray that your husband gets the guidance to find a place in the world where he can provide properly for his family. |
| KYgurlsrbest |
Posted - Nov 14 2006 : 12:52:07 PM
Bridge and Doglady--I like the cutting out part, and I don't think it's at all mean. I've done it myself, too after a relationship went south. I actually enjoyed the sparseness of my life at that time. Purging all the extras, including him felt REAL nice!!!!
I just honestly don't know how much we can pare down, really. We have no car payment, share an automobile, no satellite/cable or computer/internet. We don't have cell phones, and our basic telephone is stupid expensive, but I did cut out long distance. Our basic telephone cost is $47.00 a month---just to call out, no caller id or voicemail. Grr. We used to have credit cards, and I got rid of those after I paid them off last Spring. So, that just leaves basic utlities--water/sanitation, gas and electric. Candlelight it is, I guess  . We do keep our thermostat down at 65, and bundle up--natural gas killed me last year.
I haven't been to the grocer in some time. I usually do my shopping at the farmers market, so I was pretty well stocked up on everything (and unfortunately, I have a freezer full of meat) so I'm bleeding the cuboards dry, and coming up with some great dishes. Makes me be creative, let me tell ya! A couple of days ago, he even asked if we could have ramen. I could have just killed him--it's like it's a game or something.
The selling part is a good idea. I have a number of suits and things that I could take to consignment stores, but his clothes came from goodwill (and the 60's), so I'm not sure anyone would pay me for them!!!
I'll think on it some more and see what I can rid us of....Oh. Cd's. Music--it's his life. We have three giant cd book that hold 500 or more. Maybe that's the place to begin.
Just think of all of the roads there are...all of the things I haven't seen....yet. |
| doglady |
Posted - Nov 14 2006 : 10:08:35 AM
Bridge,
I couldn't have said it better. That's exactly what I was trying to say. I don't think it was mean at all but sometimes a person needs a louder wake up call than others. I'm surprised he hasn't blocked ebay from your computer! LOL
Tina
The dogs own the house but the people pay the mortgage!
www.kennelcreations.com |
| Bridge |
Posted - Nov 14 2006 : 09:46:09 AM
I was somewhat in the same situation once, still sorta. I will always be the main breadwinner. But we are not married.
These are just some of the things I done to get him to kick it in gear.
---I cut all the extra's no Satellite/cable TV, no phone,no CC. The TV was the catch for him, you'd thought he was going to die with out TV.
---I started selling stuff, when he'd ask I'd say "gotta make ends meet"
---I cut groceries, no money, no junk food, soda or meat. Beans, rice and ramen gets a little old. (I'm a working girl so I'd eat a big lunch & sodas at work)
This worked for me I know it seems a little mean & unfair. But I felt like he was being mean & unfair dumping it all on me.
Yes I had to feel the pain to do with out, but it did get the point across. Plus I don't mind living that way, I've had to before. It's alot easier when you know you really don't HAVE too.
I have often wondered what I would have done if he wouldn't have kicked it in gear.
My best guess is we would have split, I would have just told him that I wasn't living like that forever. That he better move to one of his folks if he needed to be supported.
But in my case it did work, and he now gets nervous if I start selling things on Ebay!! :) He'll say do you or the bills need some extra money?????
~~Bridge's Boutique~~
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| KYgurlsrbest |
Posted - Nov 14 2006 : 08:04:03 AM
Wow. No shortage of great minds, here, and I am certainly not surprised!!!
Ok--Jennifer (Juniper):) nope, no hope on the household chores horizon. He can live in absolute filth. When I ask him to do the dishes, it literally takes 4 days. I'm not exagerating. I've tried waiting him out, girls, and he ALWAYS wins. I mean, dishwater sitting for days. Absolutely festering. And I just give in--angrily. When he does do something, if I don't say "Oh honey what a beautiful wonderful thing you've done--I think I'll just ooh and aah all day over this, etc..." then I never appreciate him. This is just basic stuff--like picking up underwear from the floor and all 5 days of clothing taken off and placed on the living room chair (because that's where it goes  . I'm sure it's the same when everyone first lives together--you're getting to know each other's methods and madness, and to me, if I respect you and love you, I'm going to try to do things the way you like to the extent that it's do-able. There are ALL kinds of ways to say I love you, I think, and actions sometimes speak louder than words. When I work 8 hours a day and more, sometimes, I would love to come home to a clean house, or prepared dinner--even a cheap pizza. Last week, he offered to "order a cheap pizza" after an especially long day in the courtroom, and then got distant when I asked what he wanted on it, because a week ago, I had "promised to make meat loaf, creamed peas and mashed potatoes" for Thursday, and that's what he really wanted...So, into the kitchen I went.
I went home last night and seriously tried to "lighten up" a bit, and approach the evening with less doom and gloom than I have lately--because, as I've said, I do love him, and I believe in our marriage. There were a couple of minutes there when I thought I would explode (like when he said he didn't go to see about an interview at this overpriced brunch place that's hiring) but I kept my cool--I was matter of fact that we only have $16.00 but didn't dwell on it, and we had beans and franks casserole for dinner...I haven't had that since I was little, and it's still good!
A bit of history...my husband went to college for journalism, but quit about 8 mos. shy of his degree--just didn't like school..enter serving. He's great at it, but it's SUCH a crutch. Like Kathy's husband, I think the fear of doing something new after so long is definitely curbing his enthusiasm, and after this summer, I doubt he'll ever look for anything new (or permanent) which is really troublesome for me--I really don't want to be wealthy and have no designs on upper lower middle class :)..I just want to pay our bills, and have a little extra for "life" matters like emergency savings or stupid contact lenses.
I can't remember which person wrote that he's happy with his job, and I think that's true. He's certainly happy with the environment, and doesn't see the lack of monetary compensation as a detriment, because I'll always be the main breadwinner.
A girlfriend is also ADD and she told me about a support group a few months back--almost like Alanon (sp?). It sounds like a good idea, especially now. I do want a solution, though. I like commiserating like anyone, but only for a little while. It may just be me going, though. He's a great deflecter of responsibility (while I don't like to blame everything on ADHD, I know that this is a common relation to this), and he suppresses issues only to have them rear their ugly head in a variety of passive agressive ways....don't think I haven't already thought that this might be one of them! I am going over the the above mentioned friend's house tonight for dinner (and toilet paper!) and though she's his worst critic (because she sees herself in him), she also has great insight.
I should take some money for myself (I feel really awful in these glasses)--but I feel so much DUTY--to our finances, to him, to our pets--if I start thinking of myself, how different am I from him?
Just think of all of the roads there are...all of the things I haven't seen....yet. |
| JenniferJuniper |
Posted - Nov 14 2006 : 06:57:39 AM
Kudos on that, then. Mine won't cook or do a single household chore other than vacuum, reasoning is that he earns more than me. Burns me up sometimes..... |
| ktknits |
Posted - Nov 14 2006 : 06:30:56 AM
If you're asking me, yes, he does. He does everything outside & some things inside. He's not big on scrubbing toilets yet :) Our younger daughter is 25 and single, and he does all her yardwork and the outside maintenance on her house too. His mom & dad live 3 hours away, but he goes down there to help them out sometimes too. And, last summer (2005) he built them a new porch & deck on the back of their house. After that, I tried to get his to go into maintenance or building decks or something like that. But, no, he doesn't think he can do work like that for a living--he thinks it's OK for his parents, but not for real money.
No fancy food--meat loaf, eggs, baked chicken, but like you said, it gives him a feeling of accomplishment. Winter is the hardest time because there's not much to do outside & he gets stir-crazy! |
| JenniferJuniper |
Posted - Nov 14 2006 : 06:17:57 AM
Does he contribute to the household chores? i.e., are you working all day then coming home to pull a second shift by cooking dinner and cleaning? If so, it will help to have him shoulder more responsibility, if not financial, then with the running of the house. a, he will have something productive to contribute, b, a sense of accomplishment even in small things is good for self esteem, and c, you get a break from shouldering all the home and money responsibilities.
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| ktknits |
Posted - Nov 14 2006 : 06:06:06 AM
Gosh, now that I've started posting on this subject, I may not be able to stop!
Just to give you a little more background, we were married for 22 years before my husband lost his job. So, I knew he was a good worker, and contributer to the marriage. He was a butcher, and he was one of those guys that never missed a day's work. When the store closed and he lost his job, we thought it might be kind of a good break for him. He was 45, like I said he never really had any time off, he'd get unemployment for 6 months, and I had a good job. So, we decided that he'd take the summer off, and figure out what he wanted to do for the rest of his life (he'd started to get bad arthritis in his hands & shoulders from working in the cooler). But, he never really seemed to be able to figure out what he wanted to do. In the last 8 years he's been a bail bondsman (6 mo), worked in a factory (3 mo), tried meat cutting again (1 yr) and delivered RVs (1 1/2 yrs). So, now at age 53, he's been unemployed for about 5 of the last 8 years, and totally unemployed for the last year and a half.
He graduated from high school 35 years ago, and the thought of going back to school for anything terrifies him. I vividly remember the day I came home from work and he had gone to Home Depot to apply for a job. He was devastated because one of the questions on the application was, "what is the cube root of 9?" He hadn't taken a math class since 1967, and had no clue what a cube root was. Now, he's even scared to fill out an application! He's gone for job counseling, but nothing has worked out for him yet.
Money has been tight, but we have been exceedingly fortunate in that I do have a good job that pays all the bills. We're not "wintering in Florida", but we're able to go out for dinner every now and then.
Yes, he does blow money every now and then, and yes, I get angry, feel like the mom, and I have to bite my tongue so I don't treat him like a kid. And, yes, I have to deal with some pretty ugly feelings of resentment and self-pity on my part sometimes.
But, I have had to take a step back and look at my life and what I want out of my life too. I decided long ago that I love my husband and I want to stay married to him, whether he has a job or not, and when that resentment wells up, I have to go back and re-visit this committment. So, I decided that I'd just do whatever needed to be done to make the life I wanted to have. I work a full time job, and I do accounting and tax work on the side to make a little extra money. Yes, I resent it sometimes, but I have to remember that in the grand scheme of things I love my husband and I would rather be married to him and work for both of us than not be married to him at all.
Everyone's different, and you will need to think your life through, figure out what you want, and how to accomplish it. Counseling is good, but like I said, you need to temper it with your good farmgirl judgement for your particular situation, and what you want out of your life.
((((BIG HUGS TO YOU!!)))))
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| doglady |
Posted - Nov 14 2006 : 05:34:55 AM
Jonni,
Ahhhh, ADHD. Now that's a whole different ball game. There are counselors who specialize in ADHD and I would seek them out. The most important thing is for your husband to "want" to address the issues. If he won't go with you, go by yourself. It will give you a better perspective on things if the counselor understands ADHD as well. I would still do something for or towards myself each week even if it's only saving $5 for glasses.
For Kathy, it sounds like you got hold of a really bad counselor! Your common sense was better in that situation but I would still seek out a "good counselor". I wish you both strength to deal with these issues. Hang in there.
Tina
The dogs own the house but the people pay the mortgage!
www.kennelcreations.com |
| ktknits |
Posted - Nov 14 2006 : 05:06:20 AM
I agree with the counseling, but keep in mind that counselors are human too, and are not always right. We went to counseling for a very similar situation several years ago, and the counselor basically said it was my fault that my husband didn't go back to work, and was in a major depression because after we were married I got my college degree, and I got a good job in a well paying profession while my husband didn't.
Then I was really in a pickle--I thought counseling was supposed to help the situation, and after that particular session, I was waaaayy more confused than I was before! I was almost at the point where I quit my job just so my husband would have the chance to go out and get a job and earn more than me. Then I thought, "This is stupid, am I going to tell my daughter that she needs to quit college because mom needs to quit her job so dad can force himself to get a job?? Am I going to quit my job so we can lose our house, car, retirement savings, etc. because a counselor said it was my fault that my husband has low self esteem??" And, what kind of message does this send to my two adult daughters? And will the added pressure of neither of us working, and not having **any** money really make our marital relationship better??
So, I still work, he still doesn't, he deals with depression on and off, I deal with the pressure of being the main bread-winner, and life goes on. It's mentally tough on me sometimes, but we're married for better or worse, and if I were single, or if he were disabled I'd have to work just like I am now. And, if he were the wife, and I were the husband, this is just the way it would be, and no-one would think it was a problem at all!
Bottom line is, counseling can be good, and it can help, but it's not always the gospel truth, so use your good, farmgirl judgement when sifting through what the counselor tells you.
Hugs to you!! Kathy
and speaking of "gospel truth", the Bible is where I got lots of counseling and strength to face each day--whether it was good or bad. "Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you. Surely I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10 This is one of my favorite verses, to know that God is with us through everything. |
| daffodil dreamer |
Posted - Nov 13 2006 : 7:59:35 PM
Jonni,
I really hope that you can get some resolution - it is eating away at you and will only get worse. I definitely agree with the counselling option, if he will go for it. You don't want to add another thing to fight about. Is there an adult ADHD counselling/support group, even if just for you to go to and discuss issues?
I am thinking of you (and Missy too) and sending my best wishes your way.
All the best,
Jayne |
| doglady |
Posted - Nov 13 2006 : 3:13:43 PM
Jonni,
I would approach him with the counselling. If he won't go, go without him! This is usually covered by insurance; if not, there are usually local agencies that charge on a sliding scale according to income. In the meantime, I would start saving for your glasses even if it's only $5 per week. Sometimes, you need to get someone's attention the hard way if he's stubborn. This would be cutting back on things that he uses the most and then "sweetly" tell him that you couldn't afford that this week! I'm sure that it will not take long for that to get his attention and make him want to sit and discuss solutions to the problem. I wonder if he's depressed about something. I wouldn't let this go on as it will just get worse I'm afraid. Hang in there.
Tina
The dogs own the house but the people pay the mortgage!
www.kennelcreations.com |
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