| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| Annika |
Posted - Feb 15 2011 : 8:51:58 PM
This may be a long post. For the past decade I've been fighting some deep emotional issues, severe depression and anxiety disorder. I'm on disability because of my depression and extremely poor eyesight and I think I've been so wrapped up in my own problems, that my Andrew and I have grown kind of distant. I am very distressed by this and want the ease, warmth and romance back! I am now kind of awkward with him and don't know how to become close again. He works a very high stress job and often comes home pretty tense and tired and doesn't often feel like chatting much...Where as I have been alone in the house all day and want to talk and socialize *sigh* Three nights a week we have farm chores and three nights we work out in the gym. Wednesday evening is our night off from chores and gym. Trying to think of fun, low stress things that we can do together besides stare at TV or slouch in front of our computers... we've become more like room mates that just happen to sleep in the same bed 
So, how do we get our "zip" back? I am just terrible at relationship things  Any big sister advice would be most gratefully accepted.
Annika
Farmgirl & sister #13
Palouse Prairie Girls Chapter
http://palouseprairiegirls.blogspot.com/
http://prairiegirlsjournal.blogspot.com/
Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication. ~Leonardo DaVinci
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| 20 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| violetrose |
Posted - Mar 15 2011 : 12:15:59 PM
Annika, So happy to read your post :)! Isn't it wonderful to find that joy and re-connect to the one you love.
Big hugs and celebrating with you
Ruth
Farmgirl Sister # 1738
God loves each one of us as if there were only one of us!
St. Augustine |
| Meg |
Posted - Mar 15 2011 : 11:07:26 AM
Annika, Thanks for starting this thread, I sure have enjoyed the suggestions and great to hear all the fun you are having!
Lucas and I really love to play board games and cards. Cribbage is our favorite. It's really nice because we can focus on our cards if the silence feels awkward but we find that most of the time we take forever to get an entire game in because we actually end up doing a lot of talking!
MaryJane's daughter,
Meg
megan@maryjanesfarm.org
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| Journaling Joy |
Posted - Mar 14 2011 : 8:59:01 PM
Dear Annika, this life is a journey for sure. When I myself went through a complicated and difficult illness, I thought I'd
never get better or be the person that I once was to my husband. I wanted so badly to be better and have my marriage somehow come
alive again. I had so far to go and needed so much healing. My prayer was voiced so often, "Lord please help me". My jouney of healing
emotionally and in every relationship took what my husband describes as a miracle. There is a long story concerning all this ofcourse.
One thing that was so hard was that I couldn't be or feel what my husband wanted me to be. I had lost my personhood. However, as I
waited and hoped, I found that I was not left to always be that way. And my jouney became my testimony. What I could not do in my
weakness, the Lord could. I have described somewhat comically now that I was like Humpty Dumpty. All the kings horses and all the kings
men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together again. And in my case, all the broken pieces needed super glue of some kind. Now that came
about through one piece at a time over a period of years being repaired and then made into a whole new person. What was once broken, is
now better than ever imagined. Marriage included. Over 30 years ago I had my calamity. And who would have thought it could now be this
good! We will have our 45th wedding anniversary this August. To God be the glory!
Psalm 40:1-3 Journaling Joy
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| Sharon Denise |
Posted - Mar 08 2011 : 1:45:57 PM
That is so wonderful to hear!! I hope it continues. :-) I've also experienced the severe anxiety/depression. My husband opens up to me now, and I found out that he thought my depression meant that he wasn't being a good enough husband and felt powerless to help me. I had thought he was angry with me, but he wasn't. We were both projecting what we *thought* the other was feeling instead of just asking each other! As you are discovering, things can and do get better with a lot of effort. Eventually that effort becomes automatic and you're back at that wonderful place you began. Best of luck to you both!
"There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. Yet that will be the beginning."
~Louis L'Amour |
| Annika |
Posted - Mar 08 2011 : 11:39:50 AM
Hey ladies! Little update: We are starting to learn what fun is again! Been going out to coffee, going to theatre and other events...lovin' our time together. Back rubs, quiet conversations, candlelight, laughter, relaxing together, working out together and most of all remembering why we fell in love in the first place =)
Stress and fatigue are still big issues for both of us, but it seems that we are both making the effort to not let those things run our lives.
Big bunches of love to all of you!
Annika
Farmgirl & sister #13
Palouse Prairie Girls Chapter
http://palouseprairiegirls.blogspot.com/
http://prairiegirlsjournal.blogspot.com/
Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication. ~Leonardo DaVinci
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| cathys828 |
Posted - Mar 08 2011 : 03:12:36 AM
Annika! I am slowly getting through all these posts in this MJF. Depression is a weight that is not impossible to bear; (this is the voice of experience)this very thing happened to me, I have MS and my husband is a farmer. I was the larger portion of the income, and had to go on disability. NOW resentment flared, finances can do that to you, the burden of being the only one in the house who CAN NOT STOP OR GET SICK, wears on a body. I prayed to the Lord, that is an ongoing step. One day I woke up and actually felt my heart speed up when I looked at my husband. Simple rules you already know, look people in the eyes when they are speaking to you. He is important HOWEVER, so are you, so do not turn yourself inside out. Look for the little stresses, little opportunities that you can show him CHANGE is needed and that your trying. For example; my hubby often is on the warpath with someone at work, his people skills need work, so instead of a discussion pointing out to him what he did wrong, so it gets into an argument OR just listening and knodding, that shows disinterest. I try to wonder out loud about the other fella, I ask questions. He dissects the problem one way and I the other so he gets another perspective. It has taken me a while to see where I am needed in his life, but Anika there is a gap that you can fill and he will be happier for it. Try it, its the small stuff that counts the other will follow. Like I said the voice of experience. I cried a river, believe you me!
Walk in Peace Sisters, Cathy/ Sisterhood member #1300 |
| kristin sherrill |
Posted - Mar 07 2011 : 4:14:31 PM
Annika, that is so sweet what you are doing for your hubby. I'm sure it means more to him than he shows. Mt hubby oves it when I sit and watch a Nascar race with him. I act like I am all excited and getting into it. Please don't ever tell him, but I really could care less. But it makes him think I am interested in something he loves. Anyway, I love all this advice you are getting here.
Kris
Happiness is simple. |
| LucyLobo511 |
Posted - Mar 07 2011 : 3:58:12 PM
http://www.reviveourhearts.com/challenge/husband-encouragement/
Just thought I would share this link I found it very helpful.
Insane and Blissfully Happy
Mari-lyn
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| violetrose |
Posted - Feb 27 2011 : 12:04:26 PM
Annika, I tried to post something several days ago, and was not able to, so I'm trying again!
I would suggest the movie "Fireproof"! Our small group watched it together, and it is very powerful. Also, and I think someone else mentioned this the book "Love Languages" written by Gary Smalley, also a great help! It's amazing how we speak different "love languages" within our marriage. Once you identify each other's it so much easier to know how to love your spouse in their own language. Even if only one reads the book, its great, better for both :)!
Praying for you on all counts!
Hugs, Ruth
Farmgirl Sister # 1738
God loves each one of us as if there were only one of us!
St. Augustine |
| sherrye |
Posted - Feb 21 2011 : 07:17:15 AM
still in my thoughts and prayers too annika, hugs love to you sherrye
the learn as we go silk purse farm
farm girl #1014
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| karla |
Posted - Feb 18 2011 : 11:29:50 AM
yOU ARE STILL IN MY PRAYERS AS i KNOW THIS IS A TRYING TIME FOR YOU. dON'T GIVE UP.
Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
http://rua2j-grammysheirlooms.blogspot.com/ |
| Annika |
Posted - Feb 18 2011 : 10:52:53 AM
Thank all of you so much !!! I felt very discouraged the other day. I come from a fairly emotionally distant family and am still learning how relationships work. Last night I sat and rubbed his neck and shoulders while he unwound and watched tv. Saturday we are going out with a couple of friends that he wants to spend more time with. You are right Nini, it is 60/40. I've taken to sitting by him on the couch while he watches movies on dvd. I am terribly near sighted and can't see what's going on in the movies, but I am sitting beside him and being with him =) Thank you all again for your suggestions, thoughts and prayers!
Annika
Farmgirl & sister #13
Palouse Prairie Girls Chapter
http://palouseprairiegirls.blogspot.com/
http://prairiegirlsjournal.blogspot.com/
Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication. ~Leonardo DaVinci
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| Ninibini |
Posted - Feb 18 2011 : 09:32:04 AM
I think the girls have hit on an important point, Annika. What really helps are those little affirmations or recognitions when he does something - even if it's as something mundane as taking out the garbage, you know? And focusing on his needs and things that make him happy are really important, too. As an example, I had to learn to like football. When I started showing interest and then began to learn the players, their positions, the calls on the field and cheer his team on, he started staying home instead of watching it with friends (I think I make better game day food than they do, though, and that helps! LOL). I know this is going to sound REALLY dated and old-fashioned, but my Grandma always used to tell me relationships - marriage - is 60/40. The woman gives 60%, the man gives 40%. I really used to dislike that saying. But once I realized how much my family needed me to turn my focus onto them, and give up a little bit of who I thought I was, life became so much more rich and meaningful. My husband and I love each other dearly, but we had that uncomfortable season just like everyone else does. When my focuses started turning toward him, he felt more appreciated and less taken for granted. He even started acknowledging things he liked about me. It all evolved into this abiding honeymoon state, if you will. Now we laugh more, love more, and even like each other more. We even "date" more - and that doesn't always mean we go out. One of the greatest things we loved doing in our early marriage was talk while he was in the bathtub. Now, I know that sounds silly, but he would come home all stressed out and filthy from a hard days work. I'd run the water in the deep claw-foot tub, and he'd slowly ease his way in. Then I'd let him have a little while to unwind. He'd often fall asleep, so I would go in, gently wake him and ask how his day was. I'd listen, we'd talk it over, I'd encourage and advise him; I'd be his at-home cheering section. He knew he had someone by his side who loved him and had his best interests at heart - and that made him a little bit stronger as a man, I think. He really needed that. He would just pour out whatever was on his mind and let it all go away. He'd come out in a much better humor, much more relaxed, and much more interested in me! :) <FYI: long drives are always an inspiration to help us connect, too.> What it boils down to is that men just need to really feel appreciated and cared for as much as we do. :) I'll say a prayer for you both. Hugs - Nini
God gave us two hands... one to help ourselves, and one to help others!
Farmgirl Sister #1974 |
| Cherime |
Posted - Feb 18 2011 : 08:24:56 AM
Not all silence is bad. I know that you need to talk and he needs to just be still for a while. Maybe just sit and hold hands while he is in stillness mode or as suggested rub his feet or shoulders. Try to radiate all the love you have for him in the things you do.
CMF |
| Catherine L |
Posted - Feb 17 2011 : 11:56:37 AM
I know things go better for us when I focus on Greg. Some nights I give him a foot soak and rub. Other times I cook his favorite meal; I do things that I know he likes. This improves our relationship.
~Catherine~
Farmgirl 2428 |
| LucyLobo511 |
Posted - Feb 17 2011 : 10:11:11 AM
Everyone has lows and highs in a relationship. At this point I would start with yourself what makes you feel sexy, what makes you feel pretty, what makes you feel good about you. I must shower and dress everyday to feel good about myself so thats what I do no matter what. If I feel good I know that feeling comes through to my man. Confidence is a huge turn on to men. I dont wait till he comes to me I go to him and I keep going to him and spoiling him until he notices Its ok to be wild and free every now and then. After these kids came along I turned into MOM and had to learn how to be a woman again. Think back to how you were when you were trying to catch your man. And by all means lighten up and have fun. Laugh,Laugh and Laugh some more even if its just at yourself laughing makes us younger. Puzzle books are always a fun thing to do together or even just a puzzle. No matter what if I put a puzzle out on a table my man will always whind up working on it with me. And then even if we dont talk we are together. I am sending prays your way so your household has peace,love and OOOLALALA tonight (heehee)
Insane and Blissfully Happy
Mari-lyn
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| prayin granny |
Posted - Feb 17 2011 : 09:26:39 AM
Prayers for you and your husband!
Blessings, Linda
www.scatteredlittleblessings.blogspot.com
Country at Heart |
| Calicogirl |
Posted - Feb 16 2011 : 06:50:54 AM
Hey Annika,
I will be praying for restoration in your marraige.
Some things I like to do is:
~Leave small notes for him (like the other gals :))
~Leave a love letter under his pillow
~Mail him a care package
~Rub my honey's feet when he gets home from work (or his shoulders if he is at the computer)
~Make his favorite meal or dessert
~One year things were extremely tight financially at Christmas. I picked up a small photo album and filled it with pages of "Why I love you" I drew pictures to correspond with the reason ie: "You kill spiders for me" and "You are a man of integrity". Things like that. He loved this and when we had to evacuate for wildfires, he actually grabbed it :)
~Something that we do is pray together. This makes all the difference in the world. We start our day and end it in prayer. Before my honey leaves for work we pray.
~When my husband leaves for work, I always wave bye to him (unless ill)
~When he comes home I greet him
~I like to have our home cozy (especially for when he comes home). I time putting bread or something in the oven so he can come home to the comforting smell of something yummy.
~In the winter, when he comes home and it's dark I open our front window curtains so he sees the warm light of our home welcoming him.
One of our favorite quotes hangs on our refrigerator:
“Let the wife make the husband glad to come home, and let him make her sorry to see him leave.”
Martin Luther
Hang in there! I am excited to see what happens 
~Sharon
By His Grace, For His Glory
http://merryheartjournal.blogspot.com/ |
| grammytammy |
Posted - Feb 16 2011 : 05:09:49 AM
When my husband and I had similar issues. I made a list of all his good qualities A-Z, one for each letter. I would also suggest you start "dating" again on those Wed. nights. Off topics might include work... etc. Also, start to leave him little love notes in unexpected places.. ie. folded in a pair of socks, tucked in his brief case. Men seem to love to have recognition, chat him up really good when you are around friends. Make sure he hears it!! Might want to read the book by Gary Smalley - Languages of Love. It goes into how to show another that you love them in the way they especially respond to. You might learn something about how you need to be shown love as well. So what man can resist being loved. Woo him back!! God will bless you for your desire, so pray, pray,pray.
FarmGirl 2495
God loved us so much He gave His only son to die in our stead. |
| karla |
Posted - Feb 16 2011 : 05:03:13 AM
First make a list of all the wonderful things that you fell in love with when you met him!
Then notice that they are still there & thank him for them.
Then purposely make a date-if you can't afford to go out then make his favorite meal & make it special. (candles etc.)
I willbrainstorm & see what else I can think of! Good luck & will be praying for you!
Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
http://rua2j-grammysheirlooms.blogspot.com/ |
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