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Family Matters:  Need another point of view on this situation.  |
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JanO
True Blue Farmgirl
53 Posts
Jan
Washington
USA
53 Posts |
 Posted - Apr 15 2006 : 08:53:13 AM
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I really need some opinions on a family matter right now... it's kinda a long story, so please bear with me.
Last year an extended member of the family, age 19 and related by marriage, got pregnant and had a baby. She has a history with drugs and a lot of mental problems on top of every thing else. She clearly stated while she was pregnant that she didn't want to keep the baby and asked my daughter to take custody of it when it was born. ( She wouldn't even consider putting it up for adoption which is what many of us suggested.) Of course my dd and her dh said yes, prepared all the paperwork, had it signed by the girl and the baby's father and it was all set. Knowing this girls history DD figured that it would just be a matter of time and she would be adopting the baby anyway. At the last moment the baby's mother changed her mind, against everybody's advice, and decided she wanted to keep the baby. That was last Dec.
After she had the baby, a little girl, she appeared to be getting her act together and was doing very well at being a new mom. But now she seems to be reverting back to her old ways. When the baby fusses she loses control and yells at her, she leaves her with my DD for extended periods of time and disappears. The baby's grandmother is fed up with the whole situation and has asked my DD and her DH if they would still be willing to take custody, like it was decided before, and they agreed. As it is the child is with my DD more then her own mother anyway. So, DD has started a whole new series of paperwork to make it legal. She had a talk with the baby's mother the other night and suggested to her that for the best interest of the child that she should sign the papers. The baby's mom agreed that her actions are not good for her baby, she even admitted that she really doesn't want to be a mom!... but she refuses to sign custody over. That was on Wed. (by the way, the baby has been in my daughters care for the last week with only a couple visits from her own mother!) I believe that this girl is using the baby to gain some sort of control. Her mom only lets her live with her because she can't turn the baby out, My DD only tolerates this girl because she worry's about the baby. Which explains why she won't give the baby up for adoption.
I'm really haveing some mixed feelings about this whole situation. I hope, for the best interest of the child, that her mom does sign the papers. She doesn't deserve to be raised by somebody who has openly admitted that she doesn't want to be her mother. This girl is a loose cannon anyway and I fear that she would hurt, or do something worse, to the infant. But, if DD has custody wouldn't that open up a whole new can of worms where the mother is concerned? What happens if she decides that she want's the baby back? Also, DD and her DH are planning to move out of state this year. If they have custody will they be able to bring the baby with them? I know it would break my DD's heart to have to leave her, or worse yet have to give her back to her mother.
I know it sounds harsh, but I can't help but think that instead of DD taking custody that the baby should still be put up for adoption... or that social services should be called for assistance. There are so many variabls here that part of me says that it's better for the baby if she's completely removed. I know that there are a lot of wonderful people out there that would love to give her a good loving home. She deserves a chance at a good life. But, at the same time, I know that my DD is a good mom and loves her dearly. I'm so mixed up about this. I keep encourging my DD to get the child away from her mother and out of harms way, but at the same time I really feel that she's opening herself up to a lot of heart break...
I'm afraid I'm the one who isn't seeing things clearly out of worry for my own child.
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Libbie
Farmgirl Connection Cultivator
3579 Posts
Anne E.
Elsinore
Utah
USA
3579 Posts |
Posted - Apr 15 2006 : 09:08:42 AM
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Oh, Jan, what a difficult situation. I don't know exactly what to suggest or who to call, but my husband works for the State youth shelter in our area, and I'll run this by him as a "hypothetical - what would you suggest" situation. It won't be legal advice, by any means, which may be what you should have, but it might give you a starting point. I'll ask him today...
XOXO, Libbie
"Nothing is worth more than this day." - Goethe |
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happymama58
True Blue Farmgirl
1210 Posts
Patti
Missouri
USA
1210 Posts |
Posted - Apr 15 2006 : 10:39:55 AM
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Jan, my heart goes out to you. I don't think you're being harsh at all; you're being realistic and you're considering how your child might be harmed by this situation. I think that's a mother's normal reaction.
Unfortunately, any time you deal with family members with things like this (like loans), it greatly complicates things and opens the door for family rifts. I don't have any advice, but I will keep you and your dd & ds in my prayers, that they make the right choice and that all of you are at peace with it, whatever it may be.
Some people search for happiness; others create it.
http://happymama58.typepad.com/my_weblog/ |
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Aunt Jenny
True Blue Farmgirl
11381 Posts
Jenny
middle of
Utah
USA
11381 Posts |
Posted - Apr 15 2006 : 11:36:24 AM
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Oh my gosh..what a hard situation ! I wish I could be some help. I do think they maybe should get social services involved. Since your daughter has had custody they wouldn't want to rip the baby away from her. She would no doubt have to take classes to be a foster parent and could apply for "kinship" custody or some such thing...depending on your state laws. Your daughter would get paid for foster care time which couldn't hurt, BUT..it is alot of paperwork, DCFS looking down at you all the time until an adoption is final and could be a long wait. I think if it were me, I would do it though..just to get the legal ball rolling. That is if your daughter is SURE that is what she wants.
Good luck!
Jenny in Utah
Inside me there is a skinny woman crying to get out...but I can usually shut her up with cookies
http://www.auntjennysworld.blogspot.com/ visit my little online shop at www.auntjenny.etsy.com |
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JanO
True Blue Farmgirl
53 Posts
Jan
Washington
USA
53 Posts |
Posted - Apr 15 2006 : 12:41:48 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by Libbie
Oh, Jan, what a difficult situation. I don't know exactly what to suggest or who to call, but my husband works for the State youth shelter in our area, and I'll run this by him as a "hypothetical - what would you suggest" situation. It won't be legal advice, by any means, which may be what you should have, but it might give you a starting point. I'll ask him today...
XOXO, Libbie
"Nothing is worth more than this day." - Goethe
Libby I appreciate any insight you can give me. Thank you, and your hubby.
From what I've been told about the child welfare laws in CA, where they are at, the origional paperwork is null & void. And when she was all gung ho about giving up the baby the laws wouldn't allow my DD to file until after the birth. Like I said, DD want's it done legal and is going to be asking for the courts supervision. Now that the child is 3 mos. old the mom has to sign a new set of papers before DD can file them, which is what she's refusing to do. I asked my DD if perhaps social services can be called on a potential child negelect charge, but she said that they won't do anything until there's obvious signs of neglect or until the child has been harmed. Which of course isn't going to happen because she's in my DD's care most of the time. I figured, "OK, what about an abandonment charge?" but she doesn't stay away long enough to be considered abandonment. In a nutshell, this girl is holding all the cards and until she signs the papers so they can be filed in the courthouse, my DD's hands are tied. This whole situation is infuriating... and it's the child who's stuck in the middle. |
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JanO
True Blue Farmgirl
53 Posts
Jan
Washington
USA
53 Posts |
Posted - Apr 17 2006 : 12:33:38 PM
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Well....it's happened. DD & SIL have the baby! Last night they had a sit down with the girl, her mother and step father and she consented to DD & SIL keeping the baby indefinitely. She still didn't sign the paperwork that needs to be filed in the court but she did sign an informal statement authorized DD & SIL to take guardianship and make all decisions pertaining to the child as if she was their own. I don't know how legal it is in a court of law but at least it's something. DD is consulting with the attorney I used to have on retainer, when I had my real estate office, about it today. He's as old as dirt and has practiced many different types of law over the years so he should be able to advise her accordingly. Considering that this girl (the baby's mother) is not the brightest crayon in the box, she'll probably think that it's over and disappear.
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Amie C.
True Blue Farmgirl
2099 Posts
Finger Lakes Region
NY
2099 Posts |
Posted - Apr 17 2006 : 1:18:25 PM
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| It's a good thing for the baby that his mother wasn't collecting Welfare for him. My parents are in a similar situation, but the mother will never sign over custody to anyone, because the baby's her source of income. In this case, the mother is not a relative, just a friend of my sisters. She's a crack addict who sometimes works as a prostitute. Her baby was born during one of her jail stays, so fortunately he escaped the crack baby health problems. She dropped him off at my parents' house when he was a week old, and she occasionally swoops down and carries him off to an appointment with child services so she can show them what a good mother she is. Basically, my parents have raised him and love him like their own, but they have no legal status in his life. I wish our child safety laws put more of an emphasis on the wellbeing of the child and less on keeping biological relatives together at all costs. I hope your daughter and her husband get to give this baby a secure, safe, loving home. |
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Libbie
Farmgirl Connection Cultivator
3579 Posts
Anne E.
Elsinore
Utah
USA
3579 Posts |
Posted - Apr 17 2006 : 8:09:43 PM
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Oh, Jan. That's sounding so good for that babe. I'm sorry I'm a little late with info. from my husband, but he said to definitely get the division of child and family services, or the like agency in your area, involved if they aren't already, as well as consulting asap with an atty. It sounds like you and your daughter are doing all that you can for this little one. Good for you, and good for the babe!!! Best wishes and greatest of hopes...
XOXO, Libbie
"Nothing is worth more than this day." - Goethe |
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Family Matters: Need another point of view on this situation. |
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Need another point of view on this situation.
