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Family Matters:  MIL issues  |
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sillyfoulks
True Blue Farmgirl
164 Posts
Elizabeth
Illinois
USA
164 Posts |
 Posted - May 08 2006 : 06:35:47 AM
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My MIL and I have always had a rocky relationship. Early on, we lived 2,000 miles from her. It took some patience to get along, but the distance made it tolerable. Now, we live 3 miles from her. The last 2 years have been really hard to handle. She isn't necessarily a horrible women, but there are moments when I want to scream and walk away. Over the years she has made numerous acqusations (sp?). As well as numerous demands that I just think are rediculous and have difficulty excepting, and at times just non of her biz-wax.
Sometimes, the incidents that occur leave me feeling like a heel, and an uncaring person. My husband & I are celebrating our 13 Anniversary today. For the last 5 days she has been quizing me on our plans. Which was really upsetting me, this was our day, and really had nothing at all to do with her. I at one point was so frustrated I told my husband I would not be spending any portion of my day with her. My thought was, it is my day, and I will not let her ruin it. Yesterday evening, my dh finally realized why she was so interested in what we where doing. It just so happens that our Anniversary coincides with his brothers Birthday. His brother died in a terrible accident 2 yrs ago. Now I feel like a bad person. But, at the same time I am really frustrated that she is looking to us to help feel this void. She has 2 other sons that live with in 20 minutes, why can't that be with her? I know the loss of ones child is tremendous, and I feel like a heel. But she has also raised this man to almost the status of saint in this family. He was a good man, but also had his faults. Since his death she has turned her fridge into a shrine of sorts, and been upset at me for not doing the same. We do have several pictures of him displayed in our home, but I don't feel the need to go overboard. I feel as if she is trying to squeeze time from my husband on this speical day for us. I feel she could have been more open about her on agenda, instead of sneaky. But then feeling this way makes me feel like a heel. My husband wanted to invite her to dinner with us, which I refuse to do. Is this wrong? I have agreed that he may go visit her for a short time after dinner, but also refuse to go.
I could really go on for days, this frustration that she has given me is tremendous, and incendents that have accured are so numerous. My DH tries hard to not let his mother get the best of me, but also struggles to please her, and not hurt her feelings. He has been realy great about it all, and I struggle not to make him choose. DH and His brothers, all agree that she is difficult, but refuse to but a stop to her. Now this incident has left me feeling like and uncaring heel, but still don't want to she my day with her. There just are to many yucky feelings associated with her, and my time with her is just not enjoyable.
Elizabeth
Not how long, but how well you have lived is the main thing.
http://livingcountrystyle.blogspot.com/ |
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ThymeForEweFarm
True Blue Farmgirl
705 Posts
Robin
An organic farm in the forest in
Maine
USA
705 Posts |
Posted - May 08 2006 : 09:43:55 AM
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What a hard situation. I can't imagine losing a child. She must be suffering horribly. It means a lot to me when someone takes a minute to say "thinking about you" on the anniversary of my mother's death. She probably needs you to recognize what today is to her as much as you need her to recognize what it is to you. I don't think taking her to dinner is necessary. What if you send her flowers or stop in to give her a much-needed hug and a card telling her that you're thinking of her today? That's a small gesture to recognize her huge loss. If you stop in on the way to dinner you can use your reservation time as a reason to not stay too long. I think everyone would feel better about the day if both occasions are noted.
Robin
www.thymeforewe.com
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therusticcottage
True Blue Farmgirl
4439 Posts
Kay
Vancouver
WA
USA
4439 Posts |
Posted - May 08 2006 : 10:13:41 AM
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I can totally understand your frustrations with your MIL. I have one like that too. And she tries to control every holiday. I agree with Robin -- acknowledge her loss. Whether it be a card sent in the mail or a phone call. It is hard but you will feel better by doing it. Losing a child would be horrible and she will probably never get over it.
When we get married our husbands are supposed to put us first. But I've found out that doesn't always happen. She is his mother, and even though she's difficult, he loves her. He's trying to please both of you. I tried to make my husband choose and realized what a horrible pressure that was on him. He knows his mom is difficult but she's still his mom and he feels a certain loyalty to her -- which he should. So I decided that I was not going to pressure him anymore. He was being torn between two very strong-willed women.
My MIL is a thorn in my side but I've come to the realization that she's not going to change. She is a toxic person to me and I made the decision not to have her in my life any more than necessary (as I have done with all people that are toxic to me). I'm still kind and polite to her when we get together but know that it's only for a short while. When the phone rings and it's her, my husband talks to her. I let him have the interaction with her.
I'm so sorry that you're going through this.
http://therusticcottage.etsy.com
http://www.homesteadblogger.com/therusticcottage/
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brightmeadow
True Blue Farmgirl
2045 Posts
Brenda
Lucas
Ohio
USA
2045 Posts |
Posted - May 08 2006 : 5:55:39 PM
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Oh, I sympathize... my MIL is usually one of the nicest people I know, but still, I end up in unintentional conflicts with her...
...details edited out.....
So, this was all a very long way of saying that "YOU ARE NOT ALONE". I think all MIL's have a way of pushing you to the edge -- sometimes they just want to know that they are still important in their son's life. So I think the advice to acknowledge that role is probably very good advice, I will think about how I can apply that this Mother's day....
You shall eat the fruit of the labor of your hands - You shall be happy and it shall be well with you. -Psalm 128.2
Visit my web site store at http://www.watkinsonline.com/fish or my homepage at http://home.earthlink.net/~brightmeadow |
Edited by - brightmeadow on May 09 2006 4:30:40 PM |
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sillyfoulks
True Blue Farmgirl
164 Posts
Elizabeth
Illinois
USA
164 Posts |
Posted - May 09 2006 : 06:35:54 AM
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I have to say thanks to you all. I took your advise, and picked up a card for her, just letting her know I was thinking of you. Dh took it to her when he went to see her. And I am glad he went to see her. He just visited for an hour, but it turns out, she took a fall during the day. Hurting her wrist, scratching her face and possibly a broken nose. Her apartment complex has several uneven sidewalks, somehow she got tripped up on one. But sending a card, made me feel better. I don't like being so hateful to her. I just isn't who I am, It is just a response to her actions towards me.
Brenda, your story reminds me of something my MIL does to me. My DH is also a large man, and has been since the age of 10. Surprisingly enough both his cholesteral, blood pressure, and everything else is right on target. I do try to watch what he eats, but he is his own person. I can't stop him from eatting if he so chooses. My MIL is a feeder. You visit, she has to feed you. She is always offering cake, ice cream, cookies, chips, donuts, popcorn, frozen pizza, and anything else you could think of. One afternoon, I was visiting her. She brought up the fact that she was concerned about DH weight, "It can't be good for him." I explained to her that all I could do was make sure that what I was preparing was a healthy choose, but if choose to eat a PB&J w/chips, 30 min. before dinner, short of harassing him I couldn't stop him. "I am not his food police" She quickly became offended and acted as if I didn't care that his weight could be un healthy. What is the worst is just a few days later, again while visiting, she offeredd DH a bowl of ice cream. His response, "Sure Mom, but just a scoop." She returned a few min. later with a bowl containing atleat a half a carton of Ice cream, piled high with choco syrup and nuts. I was stunned. He told her he just asked for a scoop, she became offended with him. And to appease her, he ate it. She does similiar stuff with our 8 yr old, who is much like her father, weight wise. The typical menu she serves the children on a night they might spend with her is like this. For dinner frozen pizza followed by a bowl of ice cream with the works, and of course this is followed by popcorn. Then you must add in the bits of candy that are all over the apartment, in her candy dishes. I have asked many times to limit their intake, her response has been, "But, that is what she wanted" I just want to scream at her! The girl is 8, what 8 year old doesn't want it. I am quickly getting to the point that I am going to have to put down my foot. I just know that it is going to cause a really large rift, in our relationship. If this happen just once every few months, it would be different, but this is atleast once a week.
Elizabeth
Not how long, but how well you have lived is the main thing.
http://livingcountrystyle.blogspot.com/ |
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therusticcottage
True Blue Farmgirl
4439 Posts
Kay
Vancouver
WA
USA
4439 Posts |
Posted - May 09 2006 : 11:37:25 AM
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Elizabeth -- my MIL turns me into someone I'm not too! I get so hateful and can't hardly look at her. That is why I decided to limit my contact with her.
I'm proud of you for getting a card for your MIL. I'm sure it made you feel better and I hope she appreciated your kindness.
Handcrafted soaps and sundries at http://therusticcottage.etsy.com
http://www.homesteadblogger.com/therusticcottage/
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_Rebecca_
True Blue Farmgirl
568 Posts
Rebecca
OK
USA
568 Posts |
Posted - May 09 2006 : 12:18:30 PM
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I was going to write about my in-laws, but decided that rehearsing the evil things they have done over the years was not a good idea.
You shouldn't have felt like a heel. You sound like you really care about her. Yes, mil's can be batty sometimes and horn-in, but believe me it can be worse!
Cheers!
.·:*¨¨* :·.Rebecca.·:*¨¨* :·.
Wife of Jonathan, Mother of Joel, Caitlyn, Elia |
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brightmeadow
True Blue Farmgirl
2045 Posts
Brenda
Lucas
Ohio
USA
2045 Posts |
Posted - May 09 2006 : 4:48:56 PM
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OK, Rebecca, I agree... rehashing the problems, while good therapy for me(!) in a public forum is probably not a good idea. I am fairly sure my in-laws don't read MJF's connection, but you never know, and I would not want to hurt their feelings either. So I edited out the details in my post above.
And Elizabeth, I am glad I got to share those details with you, even if only temporarily! Food can be so emotional, and such a battleground! It is tied up with so many celebrations in our childhoods, and giving people food often means we love them, even if it is unhealthy food. And then if you offer a loved one food, and they reject it, does it mean they are rejecting your love? Also, scents and tastes bring back so many memories, pleasant or otherwise, that it is no wonder we get emotionally stressed out over it.
I never really thought about that aspect of food until I joined Weight Watchers (many years ago) and even though I decided their method (I consider food diaries too much obsessing about food) was not for me long term, it does make me more aware of how my MIL is seeing things.
I am going to take your suggestion of a card, and since Mother's day is coming up, I will get a big and fancy one and put a personal note in it!
You shall eat the fruit of the labor of your hands - You shall be happy and it shall be well with you. -Psalm 128.2
Visit my web site store at http://www.watkinsonline.com/fish or my homepage at http://home.earthlink.net/~brightmeadow |
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therusticcottage
True Blue Farmgirl
4439 Posts
Kay
Vancouver
WA
USA
4439 Posts |
Posted - May 09 2006 : 6:10:16 PM
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Well my MIL (& FIL) struck today! My hubby made the decision not to go out to brunch with them on Mother's Day and to go see his mom on Saturday to take her gift. That way he can go to church with me and our daughter's on Sunday. Guess the in-laws are mad now -- heard this through the family grapevine. They're bad mouthing me because they said they know that I've influenced their son not to spend the day with his mother. Which is totally not true. I told DH if he wanted to be with his mom on Sunday that was fine with me.
Oh well!! Lucky me! If they're mad at me then they are not speaking to me which is a blessing!!
Handcrafted soaps and sundries at http://therusticcottage.etsy.com
http://www.homesteadblogger.com/therusticcottage/
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sillyfoulks
True Blue Farmgirl
164 Posts
Elizabeth
Illinois
USA
164 Posts |
Posted - May 10 2006 : 08:32:57 AM
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Yes, Mother's Day is a difficult Holiday, to deal with my MIL too. I told my husband I would be more then willing to spend a portion of the day, with her. Maybe take her to breakfast, then get on with our day, or have her over for dinner in the evening. He still hasn't decided what to do. I just requested that we don't spend the entire day with her. I am interested in how fathers day will go this year. Even though fathers day has nothing to do with her (in-law divorced), am sure she will want to spend time with dh and kids. She is known to extend dinner invites or made a desert, and doesn't call ahead more then a few hours. The problem is, it is also my Birthday. We will have to see what she pulls out of her hat.
Here is a situation I could use advice on. On many occasions I have gone for a visit to her house w/dh and kids. I really am not wanting to be there, so I sit quietly on the couch, lost in my own thoughts. MIL, will at some point ask, "What is going on Elizabeth, are you upset or something?" It makes me want to scream, " Besides the fact that I don't want to be here, no nothing." However, I politely respond with something like, "No nothing is wrong, just tired, spent alot of time in the garden this week." I am essentially lying, and hate the feeling it gives me. You all made me feel some much better about the earlier situation, I was hoping for some more good advice here.
Elizabeth
Not how long, but how well you have lived is the main thing.
http://livingcountrystyle.blogspot.com/ |
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brightmeadow
True Blue Farmgirl
2045 Posts
Brenda
Lucas
Ohio
USA
2045 Posts |
Posted - May 10 2006 : 2:45:37 PM
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I have sometimes taken my knitting along to my MIL's house for family gatherings... That way I am getting something accomplished while I am there, and it also provides a conversational topic that isn't all about people I don't know or places I haven't been. I don't know if that would work for you? Besides needlework, any hobby or craft might work -- scrapbooking? Geneology? something that could invite participation instead of just being a passive outsider.
You shall eat the fruit of the labor of your hands - You shall be happy and it shall be well with you. -Psalm 128.2
Visit my web site store at http://www.watkinsonline.com/fish or my homepage at http://home.earthlink.net/~brightmeadow |
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therusticcottage
True Blue Farmgirl
4439 Posts
Kay
Vancouver
WA
USA
4439 Posts |
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coconutcakes
True Blue Farmgirl
52 Posts
Emily
Summerfield
NC
USA
52 Posts |
Posted - May 26 2006 : 3:43:07 PM
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I know your post was initially posted earlier in the month of May, but I had to reply with my "two cents worth" also.
I grew up with a paternal grandmother who has given my mother (and her other DILs) plenty of trouble. And I also have a pretty selfish MIL myself. On the other side, I have also been privy to witness what a "good MIL" does. Let us all remember this: She doesn't ever make her children feel like they owe her anything. And they shouldn't ever feel obligated to her. . . all they do for her should be out of a sincere love for her. And she should not EXPECT anything. She can secretly hope for something from her children and their children, but she might end up disappointed. And she needs to keep these disappointments to herself. Love is not love if it involves motivation by guilty feelings.
You didn't say your BIL died on your anniversary. You said it was his birthday. Am I correct? If so, I don't think you need to be celebrating his death on the day he was born! If anything, it's a time to celebrate his birth and the fact the family was blessed to have him all the years he was alive. While I understand his death was and is difficult for your MIL, it seems to me she is using his birthday as a chance to garner attention to herself. I have a number of relatives (grandfathers, cousins, etc.) who have passed away, and we don't remember their birthdays by mourning the loss of them. . . If anything, we may go to the cemetary and place some flowers, have a quiet time remembering them, and maybe speak of fond memories of them. But we certainly do not turn it into a time of mourning with my grandmothers or other relatives. Do we have bad etiquette? My grandmothers and other relatives don't seem to be bothered by this.
If you feel it is the right thing to spend any amount of time on your anniversary in company of and consoling your MIL, ask your DH what he thinks y'all ought to do each year on that day from here on out. Asking her to dinner (in my opinion) is unnecessary. And every year from here on out (unless you guys decide to take a special trip or whatever on your anniversary) as long as you are so close to her, plan on this tradition with your MIL. Maybe she'll quit asking what your plans are after a couple of years. And perhaps, if you and DH feel that you don't want to spend your anniversary with a black cloud of mourning hanging over it, perhaps you can plan on spending some time consoling your MIL the day before or the day after. . . Or maybe, figure that you ought to really be mourning with her on the anniversary of the day he actually died, and don't feel obligated to be with her on his birthday (which makes sense to me).
You shouldn't feel guilty. If anything, she's being rather cruel as a mother to her alive son to not encourage him to enjoy his own wife and family's special day.
Were you guys always together with her celebrating the BIL's birthday when he was alive? I don't see why she'd expect such now that he is dead. I hate to be blunt, but she's using it partly for attention to get your goat on your special day. Don't feel obligated. There's plenty of ways around this to console her without tainting your anniversary. Hopefully, your husband will be onboard with you.
I probably sound like a cold DIL, but I actually have resolved many issues with my own MIL by seeing things for what they are, loving her anyway (which doesn't involve guilt), forgiving her because it's the right thing to do even if she doesn't say she's sorry to me, doing the right thing, not being selfish myself, and also holding my ground when I know I'm being bullied. My MIL respects me more now, and I have forgiven her. I don't even mind being around her because I don't live in fear that she's going to get the best of me or undermind me like she used to. I also am a happier person knowing that bitterness doesn't rule me like it used to. Love must be tough. And forgiveness has a sweet freedom to it.
Don't let your MIL ruin your life!
Good Luck!
Emily
"After a long period abroad nothing could make me more homesick or emotional than an American magazine ad of a luscious layer cake, except one, and that was a pictured lemon pie." Irma Rombauer, Joy of Cooking (1943) |
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Family Matters: MIL issues |
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MIL issues
