| Author |
Family Matters:  Bipolar Adult Child  |
|
|
Fabulous Farm Femmes
True Blue Farmgirl
792 Posts
Diane
Lakebay, Tacoma
WA
792 Posts |
 Posted - Jul 06 2006 : 12:30:15 AM
|
Does any one else here struggle with this?
My middle daughter has moved back in again.
HELP! Anyone with any knowledge or wisdom to share will be very appreciated. |
Edited by - Fabulous Farm Femmes on Oct 14 2006 01:07:50 AM |
|
|
_Rebecca_
True Blue Farmgirl
568 Posts
Rebecca
OK
USA
568 Posts |
Posted - Jul 06 2006 : 06:05:40 AM
|
Can you both sit down and set a date for her to be moved out by? That way it's out in the open that living arrangements with you are temporary. You are her support, but you don't have to bend over backwards. You both have needs that need to be met, try to get it across that it's not just her with needs. Then make sure you aren't giving her reasons to not leave. My sister-in-law is a boomerang kid. My in-laws have basically catered to her every whim so that I cannot see her ever moving out.
.·:*¨¨* :·.Rebecca.·:*¨¨* :·.
Wife of Jonathan, Mother of Joel, Caitlyn, Elia |
 |
|
|
Hideaway Farmgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
1553 Posts
Jo
Virginia
USA
1553 Posts |
Posted - Jul 06 2006 : 06:27:47 AM
|
Diane
Try this link about a book just out: http://www.goucher.edu/x10752.xml
Excerpt:
Putnam will publish Crazy: A Father’s Search Through America’s Mental Health Madness, by Pete Earley, a visiting faculty member in Goucher College’s M.F.A. in creative nonfiction program, on April 20.
Hope it helps; Pete Earley wrote an article in April 2006 for Washingtonian Magazine about his experience, and I knew the book was due out soon.
Jo |
|
|
|
farmgrlchick
True Blue Farmgirl
439 Posts
Theresa
Columbus
Montana
USA
439 Posts |
Posted - Jul 06 2006 : 07:37:15 AM
|
| Hope things work out for you. |
Edited by - farmgrlchick on Oct 16 2006 6:55:12 PM |
|
|
|
blueroses
True Blue Farmgirl
1323 Posts
Debbie
in the Pandhandle of
Idaho
USA
1323 Posts |
Posted - Jul 06 2006 : 09:20:01 AM
|
Theresa,
We have the same problem with my dad who is 75 now. Can't reason with him. Everything is about him and not my mom or ever about us. It is very hard to deal with.
Diane,
I know the resentment is there but then we feel guilty about it. My sister always asks me, "how can one person put our entire family into such turmoil?" And they do. My dad's really done it this time though - between his hidden drinking and abuse of valium, he's landed himself in a nursing home. I think Rebecca makes some sense. You need to set some boundaries.
"You cannot find peace...by avoiding life."
Virginia Woolfe |
|
|
|
ida
True Blue Farmgirl
56 Posts
ida
camden
ohio
USA
56 Posts |
Posted - Aug 30 2006 : 3:50:26 PM
|
Wow! I came on to start a new thread and there is already on bi-polar topic! I hope you all don't mind me adding to this. On July 31st after a suicide attempt my husband was hospitalized and diagnosised with bipolar 1 with OCD features. Anyway, I was wondering if anyone else is dealing with their partners diagnosis and how are they coping with just daily life. I also have two teens at home and am a caregiver for my developmentally delayed sister soooo I guess I am just looking to find a balance!!! thanks for listening!
Ida
Mom's Makin' Scents |
|
|
|
therusticcottage
True Blue Farmgirl
4439 Posts
Kay
Vancouver
WA
USA
4439 Posts |
Posted - Aug 30 2006 : 4:19:50 PM
|
My step-sister has suffered from bi-polar all her life. My dad and step-mom went through years of her moving in and out, not taking her meds, bailing her out of trouble, etc. My step-mom finally went to get some counseling and the doctor told her she had to stop enabling her daughter. That her daughter made the choice not to take her meds, then would get in trouble, and they would get her out of her latest problem. That enabled her to continue on the cycle. My step-mom finally told her daughter that when she moved out it was the last time and that she would have to be responsible for her actions if she chose not to take her meds. This was the hardest thing my step-mom ever had to do. She would call me so upset about it but knew that in the long run she was doing the best thing for her daughter.
Diane -- it would probably do you some good to go talk to someone who is an expert in this field to see what kind of advice they can give you. I agree with the others that some boundaries need to be set. I'm sorry that you're having to go through this.
Handmade purses, home decor, and bath delights at www.rusticcottagecreations.com
Read my ramblings at http://rusticcottage.blogspot.com/ |
|
|
|
LJRphoto
True Blue Farmgirl
760 Posts
Laura
Hickory Corners
MI
USA
760 Posts |
Posted - Aug 30 2006 : 4:42:12 PM
|
Please look into what community mental health services exist in your area. There are a lot of resources that never get tapped because people just don't know that they are there. You might find that there are a lot of services to support you as well as your daughter. I agree that boundaries should be set.
"I would feel more optimistic about a bright future for man if he spent less time proving that he can outwit Nature and more time tasting her sweetness and respecting her seniority." -E. B. White
http://www.betweenthecities.com/blog/ljr/
|
|
|
|
Photobugs
True Blue Farmgirl
363 Posts
Pamela
Post Falls
Idaho
USA
363 Posts |
Posted - Oct 13 2006 : 8:31:37 PM
|
I can relate to those of yu who live with this illness daily. I have a 23 year old daughter who is bi-polar/borderline disordered. She is FINALLY pretty good about her meds, but she drinks and this has caused problems. She does work a full time job and my siser, who is a therapist says this is really good. She has had this job for over a year. She has had something like 30 jobs, though over the years. There have been other problems and I am constantly praying God's protection over her. Talk about keeping one on their knees!
My 22 year old son is an anti-social, this does not mean he is not social, quite the opposite. They have no compassion for others. But he has worked so very hard and had LOTS of therapy, granted much of it was while he was incarcerated, which is where most antisocials end up as they do not get that there are consequences. They just don't get it, but can be trained...as is the case with my son. Now he is doing so very well and is my most motivated child, of four. He has a good job, is married and moving along in life. We finally have a good relationship with no stress. This too, took lots of prayer and we stood by him through many, many hard times.
Hang in there and do your best to have a life of your own...you have to do this for your own sanity! Do the things you like, hobbies, clubs, etc.
Professional help is good, although getting the mentally ill to seek it is not easy. My daughter still will not go to a therapist.
My sister being a therapist has helped me a ton over the years. She has helped me to understand mental illness and know that I was not a bad mom.
Pamela
"I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream!" |
|
|
|
KYgurlsrbest
True Blue Farmgirl
4853 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4853 Posts |
Posted - Oct 16 2006 : 09:52:31 AM
|
I really feel for everyone of you that posted in this thread, and I've been debating on posting for a week or so...Before I relate my experience, my personal thought is that the worst thing you (and anyone involved) can do, is be their enabler...And it's SO EASY to do it without knowing. In retrospect (and this may sound selfish) I found that, as much as I loved my ex husband, I needed to love myself a little more. People with bi-polar disorder tend to be such strong personalities, and they can really absorb who you are--I quite literally ceased to be because I was so worried about him, and the "aftermath" of his actions. I was easily manipulated and would bend any which way, molded my life to fit his, worked a full time + 2 part time jobs to keep us afloat, and did it because I felt I had to--he had backed me into that corner, and I wasn't going to let the power get turned off, or not eat. We were married 4 years, and not one of them was without discord--no job, alcoholism, no desire to help out, no desire--period. His mother was diagnosed bi-polar and paranoid schizophrenic, rarely took her meds and had many episodes in which my husband and I had to care for her, which was tough on a newly married couple (I was only 22!). I regret that I didn't understand more about the disease during or before our marriage, and by the time I did, it was too late for us--I'd lost all respect I ever had for him, and he found me mean, and unreasonable. In addition to that, my mother, his mother (when she was healthy) and I had no boundaries and we were constantly helping him out of messes and "fixing" everything for him so he never had to deal with the repercussions of his actions. He said counselling and meds were out of the question. Said he'd seen too many things happen with his mother. Often, though, when he would hit his low, he would agree to get help. By the time the appointment rolled around, he was on his upswing,having a grand ole time, and "feeling great",didn't need any "stupid psyche doctor"...So it was always an emotional roller coaster for me. We went to marriage counselling, but when she addressed his illness, he bailed. I thought the church marriage counselor would berate me for NOT staying in the marriage, but she asked me how long I planned to...She felt that people with bi-polar disorder are very selfish--some without meaning to be and others who use it to their advantage, but either way, it becomes a very one-sided relationship (whether mother/child, sibling/sibling, h&w), and eventually, the giver is exhausted. Makes perfect sense to me, now. In sum, buck up those personal boundaries and remember what you will and won't accept for yourself. It's so hard to tell someone you love, "no", but in the end you are only responsible for you.
Just think of all of the roads there are...all of the things I haven't seen....yet. |
|
|
|
MsCwick
True Blue Farmgirl
775 Posts
Cristine
Farmville
Virginia
USA
775 Posts |
Posted - Oct 16 2006 : 3:49:55 PM
|
| I have been diagnosed with Depression. I am married, and I cannot relay how hard it was on my husband. When we first met, I was on an anti depressant, and I thought I weaned myself off of it as our relationship flourished. The first year of our marriage was very hard the second year was heavenly. Unfortunately, I think that I never weaned myself of the medication and in fact my body has a definite imbalance. In the last 3 months I have gotten back on it, and only Josh could tell you the differnce it made. I have a thing in my computer caller "6 tips for dealing with a loved one with depression". We fought like cats and dogs before, over the sillient things. Well, we didn't fight. I started fights. I had mood swings off the charts from perfectly fine to fighting over the silliest things that my husband was doing that "got under my skin" which it wasnt anything he actually did wrong, but I was just uber-mean-hateful-angry. It also runs in my family. If I could be of any help to anyone dealing w/ this problem, let me know. I know how bad it hurts. |
|
|
|
_Rebecca_
True Blue Farmgirl
568 Posts
Rebecca
OK
USA
568 Posts |
Posted - Oct 16 2006 : 3:53:10 PM
|
I have a thing in my computer caller "6 tips for dealing with a loved one with depression"
I would like to see it if you could e-mail it to me.
Thanks,
.·:*¨¨* :·.Rebecca.·:*¨¨* :·.
Wife of Jonathan, Mother of Joel, Caitlyn, Elia, Nathanael |
|
|
|
mommom
True Blue Farmgirl
854 Posts
Susan
Lancaster
Pennsylvania
USA
854 Posts |
Posted - Oct 16 2006 : 7:19:40 PM
|
| All of my kids have moved out for awhile and three have moved back (for two years now.) It gets very tricky around here sometimes because my one daughter and her 20 month old son live with us. That means, I'm a built in babysitter. So, I had to set up some rules. I gladly watch him while she works. But I will not watch and keep him every time she wants to go out with her friends or boyfriend. First: if she goes out, she has to be home by midnight. Second: she must come get the baby monitor from my bedroom as soon as she gets home. Third: I expect respect from her. That means, a little thank you now and then will not hurt her. We all get along pretty well and as soon as things start getting disrespectful or one sided again, I sit everyone down and tell them how I'm feeling. Fourth: Everybody has to work. Period. I believe in telling them rules and regulations with a lot of respect for their feelings. I tell them I raised them well and I expect them to act accordingly. We have hopes of everyone getting their own places by next spring! Susan |
|
|
|
MsCwick
True Blue Farmgirl
775 Posts
Cristine
Farmville
Virginia
USA
775 Posts |
Posted - Oct 17 2006 : 3:07:49 PM
|
Six Tips for Living with a Depressed Person
By Richard O'Connor, PhD
Mental Health Professional
Psychologist
Undoing Depression Website
Author of Undoing Depression : What Therapy Doesn't Teach You and Medication Can't Give You and Active Treatment of Depression
Try to be considerate, thoughtful, and empathic. If your spouse had a broken leg, you would expect that their abilities and energy would be restricted, that they would be in pain at times, and that they couldn't heal themselves more quickly just because you wanted them to. Think about depression the same way.
Don't be provocative. Every relationship has the little hot buttons that can start a fight at any time. Dirty socks on the floor, the remote control misplaced, the car low on gas. You know what your partner's buttons are. Don't push them while he/she is in a depressed state.
Small acts of kindness are appreciated, and do help, even if the recipient doesn't reciprocate. When I retreat to bed, my wife makes a point of breaking in to kiss me goodnight. Even though I don't usually act very glad to see her, I would feel worse, lonely and unloved, without her attention.
Easing your partner's burden in small ways can help a great deal. Offer to do the shopping, empty the garbage, do the laundry, take the kids out for pizza. It communicates more than words the feeling that you understand how difficult these mundane chores can seem at times.
"Advance directives" can be a contract loved ones arrange while the sufferer is not depressed, describing what to do when depression sets in. It can be in stages: stage 1, leave me alone; stage 2, be kind, patient, and attentive; stage 3, insist I call my therapist; stage 4, take me to the hospital. One patient loses her ability to see color when depression sets in. From experience, she has learned to let her husband know when this happens, because she won't let him know when it gets worse.
Take the trouble to educate yourself. Learn all you can about depression. Be willing to talk to your friend's therapist. It's amazing how seeing it in print, or hearing it from an authority, can change your perspective. Even if you believe you understand that depression is a disease, that the patient doesn't choose to be depressed, etc. etc., you need all the education you can get. These are facts we don't want to believe. Learning the facts helps you help your friend, and also shows that you care enough to take some trouble.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
When my huaband and I were dealing with the option for me to start the medication again, I was a disaster. I was sure I would find something on the internet that I could read or do to change my life and my ways of dealing with things. I was very adimant about "I shouldn't need medication to 'be happy'". My huaband stood by me and talked me through all my battles. I feel like he went from my enemy, because we fought so bad to me best friend, because now he reminds me to take my meds, and even though I am taking the anti-depressant, I still have days where I feel like I'm plummetting towards the earth in a nose dive and on FIRE. But he talks me through it. He is a great coach considering he's the most optomistic and happy person on the earth, not to mention the kindest...
But only he could describe the best way to deal with a spouse with depression... |
Edited by - MsCwick on Oct 17 2006 3:18:55 PM |
|
|
| |
Family Matters: Bipolar Adult Child |
|
|
|
Bipolar Adult Child
