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Family Matters:  Seperation  |
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Crystal Koelzer
Farmgirl in Training
44 Posts
Crystal
Cosby
MO
USA
44 Posts |
 Posted - Mar 25 2012 : 4:01:33 PM
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Ladies, I need to share some tears, get some advice, hugs, prayers, I don’t know what. My husband and I are splitting up. We have been married six years and have a two year old. I don’t know if it is a good thing or not. It has not been good for a while but I am still hoping in a few weeks or so that we will both be willing to work on things.
I don’t even know what to tell…just that I don’t have anyone to talk to about it. We recently moved back to the states from Germany and are living with my parents until our stuff arrives to find an apartment. I don’t have any friends here and don’t want to talk to my parents.
There are so many thoughts going through my head right now. I don’t want it to be over, I still love my husband very much but I also know that things can’t keep on the way they have. If things don’t work out, then what? I have always stayed home with our son and we want to home school him. Is that even possible if I am a single parent? How do I work if I have my son all the time. I really don’t even know any divorcees that have gone through this. Which is another thing, I feel ashamed that my marriage has failed. All my family is still together. Are we giving up too soon?
One prayer that I do know I need is that my husband will find someone to talk to other than his parents. He is now staying with them and they have never liked me. And our be all, end all argument was over them. I made his dad very angry and he is a mean, mean man. So he has the devil sitting on one shoulder and no angel to sit on the other.
Anyways thanks for listening.
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marlee
True Blue Farmgirl
1650 Posts
Marlene
DeRidder
Louisiana
1650 Posts |
Posted - Mar 25 2012 : 4:42:09 PM
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Crystal,I am so sorry that you going through all of that.Would he seek counciling, The bad thing is he is living with his parents ,and they dont like you then they will be trying to build a bigger wedge. Please do not feel ashamed that your marriage might be over. First: It might not be over. 2nd. Splitting up might give you a chance to step back and find out what you want to do. I say that because my sister and her husband split
for a year and got back together happy now than before.Said it gave them breathing room to really think. And they had date night once a week. Eat out, Go to a movie , bowling. Just like on a first date.
But I will be praying for you and him . And yes he needs to talk to someone besides his parents. But prayers will be go out tonight.
You have come to the right place.The girls here on the farm are so wonderful and sweet. You will be surrounded by hugs and love and you will not be alone.There will be bookoos coming to the rescue.
So Crystal I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers! Hugs Marlee
God is the painter, he paints the picture. And his son builds it, for he is the Master Carpenter! |
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rough start farmgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
3331 Posts
marianne
The Beautiful Pacific NW
Washington State
USA
3331 Posts |
Posted - Mar 25 2012 : 4:53:48 PM
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Crystal,
So sorry for your pain. You seem confused as we all are in these circumstances. And anyone who has been married has been where you are. And anyone who tells you differently is not being honest. But, if you reread your post the most telling sentence is "I don't want it to be over, ..." From that statement, you can rebuild. The big picture is what you need to focus on. You want to be married. You want to raise your child together. You both must agree that no one can do that better than the two of you together. Family is great, sometimes distance from family is important. But, distance between you and he isn't best. It will keep you from talking and starting the healing.
Best of luck to you. I hope you can rebuild. You are at the 7 year itch point. A very common point to have trouble in a marriage. I will say a prayer for you.
I hope I didn't come across as a know it all. But, experience is what I have to share.
Marianne |
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Bear5
True Blue Farmgirl
13055 Posts
Louisiana/Texas
USA
13055 Posts |
Posted - Mar 25 2012 : 5:15:56 PM
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Crystal, I am so sorry for your pain. I will keep you in my prayers. Keep us posted.
Marly
"It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth- and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up- that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had." Elisabeth Kurler-Ross |
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crafter
True Blue Farmgirl
2313 Posts
lori
Fort Atkinson
Wisconsin
USA
2313 Posts |
Posted - Mar 26 2012 : 06:21:33 AM
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Crystal,
I am keeping you in my prayers. I am so sorry that your heart is breaking.
Lori |
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pennyhenny
True Blue Farmgirl
304 Posts
Missy
Dayton
OH
USA
304 Posts |
Posted - Mar 26 2012 : 07:15:56 AM
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My prayers and thoughts are with you.
hugs,
-missy-
Sisterhood Member#4003
Happiness held is the seed; Happiness shared is the flower.
John Harrigan |
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buggysmum
True Blue Farmgirl
110 Posts
Shelly
110 Posts |
Posted - Mar 26 2012 : 07:23:31 AM
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Crystal,
You are in my prayers.
Hugs,
Shelly |
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natesgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
1735 Posts
angela
martinsville
indiana
USA
1735 Posts |
Posted - Mar 26 2012 : 07:35:46 AM
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You are definitely in my prayers. I have been through the exact same thing. My Hubby and I spilt up over and over agian for years over his parents. I don't know exactly what happened, but one day he finally woke up and we have never been happier. I will pray hard for his eyes to be opened. I will pray hard for you to find peace. I will pray for Gods hand in all this.
I am sendin you the biggest cyber-hug I can. Hold on and hold hope! I'm sorry you are in a bad way.
Farmgirl Sister #1438
God - Gardening - Family - Is anything else important? |
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Ingrid
True Blue Farmgirl
432 Posts
Ingrid
BC
Canada
432 Posts |
Posted - Mar 26 2012 : 07:54:09 AM
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Been through it after 17 years and three children under 5. You can survive, maybe not the way you hoped things would be(ie homeschool and staying home). The most important thing is "You can't change how others behave only how you react to their behaviour." Be strong for your son and don't be bullied. Seek counselling yourself from an unbiased trained person. Not sure how your financial situation is but start looking for work to give yourself a place to go that is yours only where you can be your own person. Most importantly do not feel ashamed of this, it takes two people to make a marriage and two people to break it up. HOld your head up high and remember you are a good person regardless of what the inlaws say. Take care and be strong.
Give thanks to yourself everyday for all the wonderful things you do! |
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GirlwithHook
True Blue Farmgirl
922 Posts
Alyce
Madison
WI
USA
922 Posts |
Posted - Mar 26 2012 : 08:01:07 AM
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Lots of praying for you, hon.
A hook, a book, and a good cup of coffee.... |
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Cherime
True Blue Farmgirl
1222 Posts
Cherime
Wasilla
Alaska
USA
1222 Posts |
Posted - Mar 26 2012 : 08:22:49 AM
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praying for you
CMF |
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Crystal Koelzer
Farmgirl in Training
44 Posts
Crystal
Cosby
MO
USA
44 Posts |
Posted - Mar 26 2012 : 12:19:12 PM
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| Thank you all. It helps just knowing that y'all are out there. Thanks for the suggestions, I do think the time apart will be good for us. I liked the date night suggestion, when my husband wants to talk again I will be suggesting it. This morning he came to get our son for the day. He left crying, I know that he is hurting and confused but it gave me hope, since he wasn't still fuming mad. Now I guess I will focus on me and what I want. What is my 'big picture'. Thank you all so much, it means a lot to me. |
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Ninibini
True Blue Farmgirl
7577 Posts
Nini
Pennsylvania
USA
7577 Posts |
Posted - Mar 26 2012 : 2:54:32 PM
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Oh, Crystal, I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. Marriage is hard enough without having meddling parents and in-laws. I'm sorry they are making it so tough for you. I will definitely pray for you. We had gone through a very dark, bleak period, too, but God healed everything and we're happier and stronger than ever, so you just keep praying! No matter what happens, we're all here for you. If you ever need to "chat," please feel free to email me anytime, okay?
Big hugs -
Nini
(\_/)
(='.'=)
(") (")*
Farmgirl Sister #1974
God gave us two hands... one to help ourselves, and one to help others!
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SusanScarlet
True Blue Farmgirl
317 Posts
317 Posts |
Posted - Mar 26 2012 : 5:57:26 PM
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| Crystal - I see that you had an APO address so that means that you or your husband is (or was) in the military. If he is still in the military, free counseling is available from a chaplain or through Tricare insurance. If he has separated from the military, free counseling is probably available from the VA. Free counseling is available from most churches and also available through community based social service agencies. If he won't go, go without him. Do it for yourself and your child. Keep us informed. |
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laurentany
True Blue Farmgirl
3259 Posts
Laurie
Patchogue
NY
USA
3259 Posts |
Posted - Mar 26 2012 : 8:28:49 PM
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Crystal, I am so sorry that you are going through this. Marriage is not always an easy thing. It is not uncommon for people to see things differently from one another, and as many of the other girls have said, when you have in-laws or parents that are "involve" it just makes everything more difficult. Time away is not necessarily a bad thing though. It will give you both the opportunity to think and realize what exactly it is about each other that you love. Of course your son, is the number one priority, and even if you can not make things work between the two of you, it is important to respect one another and be sure and put the best interest of your son first and foremost.
I will be praying for you, and for your husband. I pray that God shows you the path to take in your marriage.
Hugs,
~Laurie
"Little Hen House on the Island"
Farmgirl Sister#1403
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.. |
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Crystal Koelzer
Farmgirl in Training
44 Posts
Crystal
Cosby
MO
USA
44 Posts |
Posted - Mar 27 2012 : 06:19:00 AM
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It is good to hear that so many others go through the same things. I have tried to explain that to my husband in the past when we fight over something but he just doesn't get it. Thinks everything is new and unique to us. I did get to talk to him a little last night and he does want us to figure things out. I am so thankful for that. Don't know what that will mean for us or how it will work.
I would like us to spend a few months apart except for dating and counseling. I am afraid if he came back home now that things would go back to the way they were but...if he is not here then he is with his parents.
Thank you Susan for reminding me what the military has for counseling. It had never been an 'option' for us before because my husband didn't want the military involved in our personal life. And being in Germany there was no other choices.
Now my husband is gone on a business trip with is father for the week. We will start talking again over the weekend. Maybe we will both have a plan in mind to proceed next time we talk. Thank you all so much. |
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countrymommy85
True Blue Farmgirl
898 Posts
Krystle
MT
USA
898 Posts |
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Tea Lady
True Blue Farmgirl
645 Posts
Lorraine
Morris
IL
USA
645 Posts |
Posted - Mar 27 2012 : 4:44:40 PM
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Ditto - more prayers coming your way.
Lorraine
(aka Tea Lady)
Farmgirl #1819
www.birdsandteas.com |
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rough start farmgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
3331 Posts
marianne
The Beautiful Pacific NW
Washington State
USA
3331 Posts |
Posted - Mar 27 2012 : 9:25:08 PM
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Glad that you are feeling more hopeful.
Marianne |
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SpyChicken
True Blue Farmgirl
436 Posts
Christine
Fond du Lac
WI
USA
436 Posts |
Posted - Mar 30 2012 : 06:40:11 AM
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| I'm so sorry you're going through such a rough time, Crystal. It sounds like you've had some major stressors-e.g. the big move back from Germany, etc. Those things can certainly wreak havoc with your marriage! When my husband got out of the Navy after 6 years, it was a really rough adjustment for him and the stress of moving, his discharge, etc. caused us to separate (our dd was 18 mos at the time), but after a time things settled down and we both decided to give it another try...we're celebrating our 25th anniversary in June. Maybe if you both still love one another, you can work things out...I hope so. |
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crittergranny
True Blue Farmgirl
1096 Posts
Laura
Lindrith
NM
USA
1096 Posts |
Posted - Apr 07 2012 : 08:51:52 AM
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My husband and I fought from time to time about his family through the years. We've been married 33 yrs with 4 grown children. I couldn't really word it to him for a long time but really the issue wasn't his family so much as how he would act around them. It always seemed that he would just revert to someone else around them. They smoke alot and they were very intemperate with their tv watching etc... and it was so different from how we were trying to raise our kids, or how I alone was is how it would feel when he was around them. I guess what I'm trying to say is that it might help the two of you to really define your issues cause it sounds to me like you do ok alone but he might still need to grow up and cling to his wife first and the two of you establish your own values as a family. But I would encourage you and your child to try to build a relationship with your mother in law. It will pay off in the long run probably. Get some time with her away from the guys. I wish I could have with mine but the smoke was more than I could handle and since we didn't live close to them we would have to stay with them when we went to see them so we didn't go much. Now I grew up in a family that smokes but it was nothing like this, their house would just be filled with it all the time, and their car and everything. I wish it could have been different because I really like my mother in law. But its her choice, I'm not willing to risk my health to that extent. I really think that for you it might be that your hubby is trying to figure out where his place is between you and his parents. Be strong sweetie, I'm sorry you are going through this, marriage is a lot of work sometimes.
Laura
Horse poor in the boonies.
www.nmbarrelhorses.com |
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country_lovin
True Blue Farmgirl
50 Posts
Debbie
Oregon
USA
50 Posts |
Posted - Apr 07 2012 : 6:30:48 PM
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| I'm sorry. My prayers go out to you,your husband and your little one. |
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Valkyrie922
Farmgirl in Training
43 Posts
Sarah
Philippi
West Virginia
USA
43 Posts |
Posted - Apr 08 2012 : 6:46:34 PM
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There has been some really good advice posted on this thread for you Crystal. I can only say that with my husband and me, I really thought that the kids would be better off growing up without us together. He was very controlling and refused to listen to any of my concerns, even when he seemed to be listening.
Now that we are divorced, I know that it has been the right thing, despite the pain and heartache that I still go through, and I know my kids do too. He has settled down with a new wife and blended family, and they seem to get along on levels that he and I never could.
All I can really say is that I am praying for you, and that ongoing counselling and a relationship with God have been the most important factors in getting me through these tough times with a thread of sanity.
I will be praying for you and your family! |
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Crystal Koelzer
Farmgirl in Training
44 Posts
Crystal
Cosby
MO
USA
44 Posts |
Posted - Apr 08 2012 : 8:13:04 PM
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Thank you ladies for all your prayers and advice. Last week my husband and I went out and spent a good deal of time talking. He did move back home but we still have a long way to go. He has a few major issues to deal with and then we have issues as a couple to fix. Christine you are so right about the stress of military sep. It has been a very big deal for my husband. Right now he sees that nothing good has come out of it and he has wasted 8 years and that they ruined his life. And finding work and finding a house...there is so many things going on.
His family is a major, major issue right now. The big fight that sent my husband packing a few weeks ago was about his parents. My husband and son went to spend the day with his parents while I went shopping and his dad decided he wanted to go to town. They didn't have a carseat for my two year old and instead of just staying home took him out anyways. Well I was furious, livid. There was no emergency that sent them to town and nothing that couldn't have waited until I got back definitely nothing to put my sons life in danger not to mention break the law. So I went to their house to wait for the to get back. Didn't know what to do exactly since like I said initially his dad is mean and didn't want a confrontation. So when they got back I took my son put him in the car and went home, not saying a word to any of them. Well because I didn't say hi to my FIL when he tried talking to me I am never allowed to set foot on his property again. How dare I disrespect him like that! Good grief. And like Laura said it wasn't so much their stupidity that gets to me but my husbands reaction to it. First he came home demanding that I go over there and apologize to them. And even now after he moves back in is still not sticking up for me. Today they sent my husband a text wanting him and my son to come over for Easter. Not me of course. And my husband tells them yes. Tells me that I get to stay home on easter by myself because they want to see their grandson. Why can't he just tell his parents you take all of us or get none. So we had a big fight again today. And he didn't go to their house but did he tell them why because he doesn't want to make his dad mad. Afraid that if he draws that line in the sand all or nothing that his dad will say none.
So what am I to do?! If he even mentions them I am sick to my stomach. I don't know how to deal with them. I could give you pages of horrible things they have done to us or my husband. It is hard to understand why my husband still gives into all their demands.
Well that is where we are at right now. Thanks ladies for your ear. |
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Valkyrie922
Farmgirl in Training
43 Posts
Sarah
Philippi
West Virginia
USA
43 Posts |
Posted - Apr 08 2012 : 9:06:48 PM
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Wow what a complicated situation! It sounds like the counseling thing hasn't happened yet...
The thing about marriage is that it is meant to be a partnership between two people. No more. If you can have a good (or at least tolerable) relationship with your extended family, then that is just a bonus. But the marriage itself has got to be the PRIMARY relationship for you both. You do not have to give up loving and respecting your family, but you do have to have loyalty to make it work.
It's good that he came back; I am really happy to hear that -- Because I'm sure that it makes you feel better, too. But I guess I would be asking myself some hard questions at this point, like "Is my marriage important enough to me to swallow my pride and try to mend fences with my in-laws?" "If so, how can I open a dialog in a respectful but straightforward way?"
... like maybe buying them a car seat to have on hand? or maybe apologize that they felt disrespected by your reaction that day, but that although it came across as anger, it was really just fear for your only child's life/safety. If you do any of these things, REALLY REALLY TRY not to lose your cool, or it would just seem phony and possibly make things worse!
You have to remember that no matter how much you love your husband, you can not change him, but you MIGHT be able to change his reactions to you by tweaking your words and mannerisms. Try to think of a way to make this a win-win -- meaning that neither of you have to "lose" OR compromise. It's possible! (Check out The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People -- it's not just for business people!)
Email me any time! |
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crittergranny
True Blue Farmgirl
1096 Posts
Laura
Lindrith
NM
USA
1096 Posts |
Posted - Apr 08 2012 : 9:55:29 PM
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Oh sweetie I'm so sorry you are going through this. Sometimes when a person goes through a traumatic thing in their life they stop growing emotionally and have to go back to that point and pick up. Maybe your husband is suffering from PTSD and also he is picking up where he left off with his family when he left home for the military. I mean he needs to figure out where and who he is now. I mean emotional shutdown like maybe in some aspects he is still 18. Sometimes one has to start at that point and grow up and grow past it. It was disrespectful of your inlaws to take your son out without a car seat with out asking your ok. Please do realize that folks of their generation didn't have carseats for their children and maybe didn't understand the importance of it, and don't make it an issue, its over. Just set some boundaries, firmly and lovingly, and don't worry about their reaction. However I must say that inviting your husband and your son and not you is ridiculous and I'm glad your hubby didn't go. Just remember that even though he was cranky he still did not go. I can understand how you and your husband may question whether his service was worth it and I just want to tell you all thankyou for your service to our country, and try to get him around some more folks who do, and stay positive. Hugs and admiration girl.
Laura
Horse poor in the boonies.
www.nmbarrelhorses.com |
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Family Matters: Seperation |
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Seperation
