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Across the Fence:  question about older 'children'  |
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naturemaiden
True Blue Farmgirl
2569 Posts
Connie - Farmgirl #673
Hoosick Falls
NY
USA
2569 Posts |
 Posted - Jul 24 2012 : 03:41:24 AM
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Good morning sisters,
not too long ago i posted some hard times that occurred with my older son, Joe, who will be 24 next month. He's been moved out for a month i'd say (lost track), and i'm adapting the best i can. For those of you familiar with the story....it turns our his finacee, Brooke is a problem. my son has changed since he's been with her, and not for the good. he's become arrogant, disrespectful and selfish.
Anyways, I've always been close to my boys, (my other son, Andrew, will be 18 this Thursday).
Joe hasnt called me. I know i have to 'cut the apron strings' and let him be for now to settle down and everything, BUT, i know he is in touch with his father regularly, and I feel 'forgotten'. because i told him brooke was no longer welcome here (because of the way she treated me), i dont know what the future holds for our relationship. While he says no one influences him, he is 'whipped' and very influenced by her, and she has caused a lot of trouble between my son and I. I never saw it in the beginning, and looking back now, it all is starting to make sense. Brooke is emotionally unstable, manipulative, and two faced.
I did my fair share of crying when he first left, you know, 'the empty nest syndrome', and it hit me hard. I've been better though...but was hoping i'd hear from him, at least once a week.
I did text him yesterday to ask if he was coming for cake for Andrews birthday, and he said he was.
Is this what older children do? you just dont hear from them? (because I have no idea). We've always been close, and now I feel forgotten. Of course i dont expect him to call me every day, but once a week would be great...just to know he's ok.
Having grown up myself with an abusive mother, into foster homes, and on my own and with a baby (joey) at 19, I have no idea what to expect. Never had female or male role models to learn from. I've always gone by common sense and have done the best I can. At this point I just dont know what to expect anymore. To make matters worse, I'm overly sentimental when it comes to my boys- as they are the truest love I've ever known in my life. So letting go is not easy for me. I just thought we'd always be a happy and close family. (as i was trying to create something i never had).
I know I must learn to let go... i just feel useless and alone. Yes I have my other son, my wonderful husband, 2 dogs and a turtle....but there's something about being a mother that is completely wonderful and painful at the same time....and it is utterly confusing.
Connie
http://www.naturemaiden.com/ - Soap & Candle
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Edited by - naturemaiden on Jul 24 2012 03:55:42 AM |
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Annab
True Blue Farmgirl
2900 Posts
Anna
Seagrove
NC
USA
2900 Posts |
Posted - Jul 24 2012 : 04:31:04 AM
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So very sorry as a mother you have to go through this.
I'm not a mom, but a daughter who moved across country some years ago and then came back. We would keep in touch about every other week but moreso online with e-mails. This was back in the 90's. We would take turns calling via phone. If I hadn't responded in some time, I could almost expect a call- usually on Sunday or Monday evenings.
It's probably different for men than women...especially those who have married controlling wives. Sorry for that too. I imagine he might be kind of overwhelmed but judging from what you've written, whupped too. But remember, men are less chatty then women. The next time you see him, gently request a minute of his time and present your concerns. See what his reaction is. And let's hope he doesn't get defensive. Might not want to mention the wife at all, but do kindly mention your son's change in behavior and your feelings.
Glad to know your son at least responds to your texts.
Mom claims my brother is super hard to get ahold of too. But he is busy (wife is the best and we all love her- so thankfully no problem there!) and the two of them are hardly ever home. They are the types that always seem to have something going on, having people over or are going somewhere. Mom isn't as tech savvy and I tell her that brother and I have weekly conversations all the time--via text. It's better than nothing and at least I know what's he's up to and he's ok. (We live 3 states away).
Let's hope your son is receptive and his wife will allow the two of you a few minutes privacy!!
So sorry he married a monster and you have to watch |
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naturemaiden
True Blue Farmgirl
2569 Posts
Connie - Farmgirl #673
Hoosick Falls
NY
USA
2569 Posts |
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kysheeplady
True Blue Farmgirl
1291 Posts
Teri
KY
USA
1291 Posts |
Posted - Jul 24 2012 : 05:21:47 AM
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I guess as long as you keep thinking and looking at him as an "older child" you will never be able to see that he is a young man. And ready to test his wings.
Just know that you have raised him right, taught him and given him strong role models. And yes, deep inside he is still your child, but a young developing man.
As a mom I wish you much luck. Enjoy your time with him!
Teri
"There are black sheep in every flock"
White Sheep Farm
www.whitesheepfarm.com |
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magnoliakathy
True Blue Farmgirl
453 Posts
Kathryn
Magnolia
Texas
USA
453 Posts |
Posted - Jul 24 2012 : 07:40:45 AM
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My mom and I weren't one of those call-every-day mom and daughter pairs. I called her every Sunday morning to catch up and in between as needed,s she has Alzehimer's and is in a nursing home now, I every other week to see her. Some parents and childern call each other every day, my daughter-in-law and her mom do this. My son calls once a week or so, or when something important is going on. My son is 40, he went through a period when we did not hear from him but about once a month, but as he has matured he calls more often. I pushed him to move out and get an apartment, as soon as, he graduated high school, so he could get a handle on taking care of himself, he learned to cook simple meals, do laundry, housekeeping and basic money handling at home. I loaned him money occasionally but he knew if he did not apy back, no money next time. My daughter left home at 15, and did not call for 2 years, she has 5 kids spread out over 4 states, adopted by their paternal families, and only started calling biweekly, this past year, so it does not depend on how you raised them, it is their own personality. My sisters says they are born like they are going to be and you just need to accept it.
When you free your mind your heart can fly. Farmgirl # 714, |
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naturemaiden
True Blue Farmgirl
2569 Posts
Connie - Farmgirl #673
Hoosick Falls
NY
USA
2569 Posts |
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naturemaiden
True Blue Farmgirl
2569 Posts
Connie - Farmgirl #673
Hoosick Falls
NY
USA
2569 Posts |
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kysheeplady
True Blue Farmgirl
1291 Posts
Teri
KY
USA
1291 Posts |
Posted - Jul 24 2012 : 08:37:16 AM
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Don't they all????
Teri
"There are black sheep in every flock"
White Sheep Farm
www.whitesheepfarm.com |
Edited by - kysheeplady on Jul 24 2012 08:44:39 AM |
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emsmommy5
True Blue Farmgirl
1547 Posts
Angie
Buckley
WA
USA
1547 Posts |
Posted - Jul 24 2012 : 09:12:27 AM
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We have 5 grown kids. Well young adult to grown. Dd#2 just moved back in so we see her daily. Dd#1 lives about 30 minutes away, works way to much, but I usually hear from her daily but can go several days without actually seeing her. Ds#3- I can go a few days without seeing or talking to him. I see his girlfriend more than him. He works graveyard and sleeps during the day. DS #1- see or hear from daily. Both of these sons live about 5 blocks away from us.
It's #2 Ds- He's working in Texas, so we are lucky to hear from him every other week or so. He'll answer if I call or text him, but I know he's really busy. Plus he's not really a phone chatterer. I don't worry about it. If he needs us he calls. If we need to talk to him, we call. Every couple of weeks (or more sometimes) he'll call on a break and catch up for a few minutes.
Part of the cure is that I don't stress out over it. I had to recognize and understand that they are grown and establishing their own lives. My theory is... love them. My husband calls his mom once week. I recognize that is likely what the pattern will be from my boys at some point. I must admit though... I do send quick texts to check in now and again. They always answer. That's enough for me to know they are at least up and going.
Love them. Don't push them. Be upbeat and positive. Don't ruin relationships with kids over crackpot love interests. No matter how snotty and obnoxious the love interest is... Set relatistic boundaries, but don't push away your own kid. It's a delicate balance and depends on the kid.
We just got Dd#2 out of an abusive relationship by following this pattern. Made sure she knew we loved her more than anyone in the world. Always welcomed her home. Ever-so-slowly chipped away at the hold he had on her... finally loved her back home.
Do what you love, love what you do. |
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naturemaiden
True Blue Farmgirl
2569 Posts
Connie - Farmgirl #673
Hoosick Falls
NY
USA
2569 Posts |
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Bear5
True Blue Farmgirl
13055 Posts
Louisiana/Texas
USA
13055 Posts |
Posted - Jul 24 2012 : 11:03:35 AM
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Connie: I'll be praying for you and your son. Hugs to you.
Marly
"It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth- and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up- that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had." Elisabeth Kurler-Ross |
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grace gerber
True Blue Farmgirl
2804 Posts
grace
larkspur
colorado
USA
2804 Posts |
Posted - Jul 24 2012 : 1:38:28 PM
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I understand you pain - my oldest son did marry a girl named Brooke and they are expecting their second child next month. Neither of which my son had planned for and found out she stopped taking her birth control - the trust is broken and he struggles so to get past this and be there the way I raised him. My son is 29 and had a stroke last november with all the stress this relationship has caused. We are very lucky that God looked after him and his is whole right now. He tries so hard to maintain our relationship but there are times when he is just too busy and too overwhelmed. As a Mom it is difficult to watch and listen to but we also have to know that in time they will find their path and that our job is to live our life and be there when you can. I know I have done right in the way I raised him and that was my first job with my sons. My second is still to lead by example - to not bend my way in which I treat them and remind them at all times I love them and want their highest good. I found if I am busy living a life that fills me then my sons come back much easier. Know your not alone and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Grace Gerber
Larkspur Funny Farm and Fiber Art Studio
Where the spirits are high and the fiber is deep
http://www.larkspurfunnyfarm.etsy.com
http://larkspurfunnyfarm.blogspot.com
http://larkspurfunnyfarm.artfire.com
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naturemaiden
True Blue Farmgirl
2569 Posts
Connie - Farmgirl #673
Hoosick Falls
NY
USA
2569 Posts |
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Lorie.Vance
True Blue Farmgirl
200 Posts
Lorie
Tampa
FL
200 Posts |
Posted - Jul 24 2012 : 7:47:47 PM
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Grace, I'm gonna pray for you and your son. I have only one child, my son is 21 years old. We have a great relationship, he calls every day, sometimes more than once to ask questions or to just check in. He had a "crazy" girlfriend for a while but thank God he realized she wasn't worth keeping around. She also didn't respect anyone and was very manipulative. My advice is to get involved in the things he is involved with without his girlfriend i.e. a gym or class, Facebook, clubs, a church, music, etc. so you and he have something to keep in touch and talk about even if it's just through text. He'll come around. Pray and have a little faith that he'll remember how important family is and that the right girl will fit into his family and him in hers. God Bless!
http://thevintagegardengirl@blogspot.com |
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JessieMae
True Blue Farmgirl
702 Posts
Jessie
Raleigh
North Carolina
USA
702 Posts |
Posted - Jul 24 2012 : 11:42:06 PM
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Reading your post, the saying, "A daughter is a daughter all of her life, but a son is a son until he takes a wife," sprang to mind. I think most men just naturally step away from their mothers when they find a significant other, so it's important that you don't blame yourself or think he's avoiding you for something you've done. My father is not particularly close to his mother, and my husband isn't close at all to his mother, either.
Jessie Mae
Farmgirl #134 |
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naturemaiden
True Blue Farmgirl
2569 Posts
Connie - Farmgirl #673
Hoosick Falls
NY
USA
2569 Posts |
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grace gerber
True Blue Farmgirl
2804 Posts
grace
larkspur
colorado
USA
2804 Posts |
Posted - Jul 25 2012 : 09:59:12 AM
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Glad to hear that you are doing better today Connie..
Life is a continual change event and you will find just like I have that I am making wonderful new relationships with my sons they are becoming the people I know they can be - just sometimes we hit speed bumps. I now have incredible conversations with my youngest son who was the one I faught tooth and nail with. He now tells me that he is so very sorry for his horrible teenage behavior and that he is thankful I stuck with him. He admires me for raising the two of them by myself after my husband died and that he hopes to one day find a women as strong, loving and wise and me - WOW if you don't think that makes you stand back and cry. With my oldest he loves me to pieces but I know that he is so torn in different directions that I just stand back in support and know that the universe will give him exactly what he needs to grow.
Be kind to yourself, surround yourself with those things that fill you up and in time the highest good will appear. Hugs and have a great day..
Grace Gerber
Larkspur Funny Farm and Fiber Art Studio
Where the spirits are high and the fiber is deep
http://www.larkspurfunnyfarm.etsy.com
http://larkspurfunnyfarm.blogspot.com
http://larkspurfunnyfarm.artfire.com
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naturemaiden
True Blue Farmgirl
2569 Posts
Connie - Farmgirl #673
Hoosick Falls
NY
USA
2569 Posts |
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Across the Fence: question about older 'children' |
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question about older 'children'
