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Family Matters:  Not a Good Week  |
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BarefootGoatGirl
True Blue Farmgirl
1495 Posts
Corrine
North Carolina
USA
1495 Posts |
 Posted - Oct 27 2006 : 12:10:20 PM
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I've mentioned before that hubby and I are working on rebuilding after some pornography problems on his part. This week we had a crash. He was sent away for a 1 1/2 week training mission and was watching porn on the tv in less than 24 hours! He called me up crying, and I have done little else but cry since. I want him to get out of the Army (he seems to be able to control the problem at home) and he says he will, but there are 2 1/2 years left on his contract and a major deployment coming up in April. 9-12 month deployments are hard in the best of times, but I am NOT feeling up to this in the least! I am truly in the need of some prayers and so is he.
Trina
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Be thou diligent to know the state of thy flocks, and look well to thy herds. Proverbs 27:23 |
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summerbreeze
True Blue Farmgirl
277 Posts
Laura
WA
USA
277 Posts |
Posted - Oct 27 2006 : 1:07:08 PM
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Hi Trina,
Sending you love and support. I had a friend, her husband had the same problem. He went thru a program very similar to AA. It was called SA (sexual addiction). It was a hard battle. He fell off the wagon several times. It was about a three year process. The good news is she thinks it is truly over, no porn in the last 5 years.
Sending you prayers.
Laura
You only live once,if you do it right once is enough. |
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Zahara
Farmgirl in Training
26 Posts
Buffalo
New York
USA
26 Posts |
Posted - Oct 27 2006 : 1:21:52 PM
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i am going play the devil advocate on this answer.
I do not mean this to be insulting - so please think on it.
your Husband called you up and told you this and he was all upset. seems to me as if he has an interest in still being married to you.
"be able to control the problem at home" what problem? what are you talking here - something that if your mother saw it - well you know we all have an interest in sex or something that the police will show up at your door for?
it seems to only be a problem in the Army - well is it a "guy thing" that if he did not participate he would have issues with the guys?
were they all watching or did your husband say no man turn the channel to some porn, thats what I want to see.
I obviously do not know your life or the extend of the problem.
Instead of spending time with his wife he is spending time with pictures?
you feel that there is something else that is missing?
Is it a generic you feel porn is degrading to all?
what is the issue??
Since he is in the Army - for which not showing up the option is jail - you BOTH really need to define it.
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GaiasRose
True Blue Farmgirl
2552 Posts
Tasha-Rose
St. Paul
Minnesota
2552 Posts |
Posted - Oct 27 2006 : 1:44:22 PM
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IMHO, unless pornography is something that appeals to the both ofyou when you are being intimate together, if it is an issue for her, it is an issue and there is no 'playing the devil's advocate.' She is feeling something terrible regarding pornography (and I am right there with you, Trina) and her feelings are legitimate. I know a woman who left her husband over porn, and rightfully so. Even if it isn't illegal, it is still a break in the emotional trust of a relationship. If Rob were looking at porn, even legal porn, we would have some SERIOUS issues, because my body is the only body he needs to look at and fantasize about and it is emotional adultery in my opinion.
Trina, you are in my thoughts and intentions and I am so sorry that you ahve to go through this. Not only is it degrading to you, but it is degrading to women in general and I am also sorry that your husband is struggling with this.
~*~Brightest Blessings~*~
Tasha-Rose
blog: http://gaiarose.wordpress.com |
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MustangSuzie
True Blue Farmgirl
634 Posts
Sarah
New London
Missouri
USA
634 Posts |
Posted - Oct 27 2006 : 3:04:01 PM
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Tasha put it into wonderful perspective. This very issue destroyed my marriage.
My thoughts and prayers are with you Trina.
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MsCwick
True Blue Farmgirl
775 Posts
Cristine
Farmville
Virginia
USA
775 Posts |
Posted - Oct 27 2006 : 4:01:48 PM
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| You are in my prayers as well Trina. Some guys never grow up and face reality. |
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DaisyFarm
True Blue Farmgirl
1646 Posts
Diane
Victoria
BC
Canada
1646 Posts |
Posted - Oct 27 2006 : 4:15:08 PM
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I will just put a big "ditto" under Tasha's post.
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MamaHumbird
True Blue Farmgirl
116 Posts
Holly
Cleveland
Missouri
USA
116 Posts |
Posted - Oct 27 2006 : 4:50:54 PM
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Trina,
It is hard for me to give much advice, not knowing the whole situation. However, I want to offer you my thoughts & prayers. I will be thinking of you. I don't know if you listen to country music, have you heard about Sara Evans? I can't imagine going through so much & it being such a big part of the media. Marriage is a sacred vow and must be treated that way or it won't work. Please hang in there and know that you have a lot of support. We are thinking of you and care about you deeply.
Holly |
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willowtreecreek
True Blue Farmgirl
4813 Posts
Julie
Russell
AR
USA
4813 Posts |
Posted - Oct 27 2006 : 6:55:10 PM
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Lots of prayers coming your way. Hang in there. I'm so glad he called you though! You need to be thankful for that! I think if it can be worked out it should be. I believe that divorce should be an ABSOLUTE last resort. I agree with what Holly said about marriage being a sacred vow and I think you are doing the right thing by talking about this. People fall into addictions for various reasons but when they battle these addictions those same haunts are almost always there. I have a friend who was an alcoholic. He was driven to drink after his mother died. He has battled the addiction but there is no taking away the fact that his mother died and even now that he has been sober for several years he struggles with thoughts of drinking especially around times that remind him of his mother. You can get your hubby out of the Army but there will ALWAYS be something nagging him back to the porn. You have to find ways TOGETHER to deal with this addiction. I will pray for both of you. I hope you have sought some counseling or other help. IT WILL DO WONDERS!
Jewelry, art, baskets, etc.
www.willowtreecreek.com |
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Past Blessings
True Blue Farmgirl
1083 Posts
Brenda
Orchard Prairie
WA
USA
1083 Posts |
Posted - Oct 28 2006 : 08:11:52 AM
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I will echo the prayers and concerns of the others. I wish Zahara could see how distructive pornography really is. It is truly one of Satans best tools for destroying a marriage, because what gets your mind also gets your heart. So I do pray that you will find the right counseling (if you have a church, I would start there if you don't, I would find a church!) Pornography is thought to be many times more prevalent than admitted. The fact that your husband is being open and honest about the problem is half the battle. He is admitting the problem which is huge! Many pastors have networks world wide and your pastor may be able to find someone near your husband who can go and be a support and mentor to him. Check out Focus on the Family on-line (I think it is focusonthefamily.org, but am not certain). They have dealt a lot with this subject and have great links, support, etc. Even an 800# for talking to live counselors. Blessing and prayers coming your way. Brenda
Past Blessings . . . Celebrating Life as it used to be . . . when people loved God, loved their families and loved their country. |
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therusticcottage
True Blue Farmgirl
4439 Posts
Kay
Vancouver
WA
USA
4439 Posts |
Posted - Oct 28 2006 : 10:23:57 AM
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Trina -- I have been dealing with my husband's porn addiction for 17 years. And that's what it is -- an addiction. At least your husband called you up right away and admitted what he had done. Most would have never said anything. However, that still does not make it right. Are you sure he controls it at home? How do you know for sure? I'm not trying to sound mean but having lived with this for so long I've learned all the tricks that are used to try and cover it up. On our home computer is where my husband has looked at most of the filth that he looks at. He's just very sneaky about making sure the history is cleared, etc. I am very bitter when it comes to this subject because it has ruined my marriage and caused our family so much pain.
If your husband really wants to quit then he needs to get help. This is an addiction that is very hard to quit on his own. SA is very good. So is counseling. If he's in the Army then he can probably get counsling for free. Like Brenda said -- there are so many resources now to help. Focus On The Family is an excellent place to start!
I will be praying for both of you!
Handmade purses and bath delights at www.rusticcottagecreations.com |
Edited by - therusticcottage on Oct 28 2006 10:25:20 AM |
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westernhorse51
True Blue Farmgirl
1681 Posts
michele
farmingdale
n.j.
USA
1681 Posts |
Posted - Oct 28 2006 : 11:10:23 AM
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Trina I am so sorry, it is, for some awful reason very commom for men & we may never understand it. I have no advice other then prayer. You will be in my prayers & thoughts and please know that you are not alone.
she selects wool and flax and works with eager hands Prov.31:13 |
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~Tracey~
True Blue Farmgirl
351 Posts
Tracey
TN
USA
351 Posts |
Posted - Oct 28 2006 : 1:16:48 PM
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Many thoughts and prayers for you Trina!! Porn is destructive, even when two people "agree" to let it into their relationship. I have heard stories of breakdowns in marriages even when they were ok with porn being a part of their lives.
Tracey,
mama to Callum 13, Katie 8, Wil 5.5, Benjamin 3 and Andrew 6 months!!
http://hansenhootenanny.blogspot.com/ |
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Phils Ann
True Blue Farmgirl
1095 Posts
Ann
Parsonsburg
Maryland
USA
1095 Posts |
Posted - Oct 28 2006 : 4:59:09 PM
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Trina, I also am praying for you and for your husband. On the radio I sometimes listen to a program from the Minerith Meyer Clinic (i.e. Christian psychologists) who get callers about porn addiction frequently. Because it is such a problem, Steve Arterburn wrote "Every Man's Battle", which many have said helped them--wives calling in as well as the husbands themselves. Amazon sells the book, and so would "Religious Gift Shops". A caller from Iraq asked for kits because he was helped so much by it--saying that pornography is everywhere there among the coalition forces.
I'm glad your husband did call you. My take is that he does want to quit. Maybe this book would help him... and again, I am praying.
XO,
Ann
There is a Redeemer. |
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jo Thompson
True Blue Farmgirl
603 Posts
Jo
the mountainside of the Chugach
in Alaska
USA
603 Posts |
Posted - Oct 28 2006 : 5:21:34 PM
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So Sorry Trina, Is it stress or boredom, or is he influenced by someone around him interested in this?? I don't know how I'd deal with that situation. you take care now...... jo
"friends don't let friends eat farmed salmon"
http://homepage.mac.com/thomja/Anchorage/PhotoAlbum14.html |
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Norskema
True Blue Farmgirl
98 Posts
Candace
Central Indiana Area
USA
98 Posts |
Posted - Oct 28 2006 : 6:14:24 PM
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Hey Trina, This is such a hurtful thing for you because it seems like a betrayal of something that is supposed to be special between you and your husband. I'm not making excuses for your husband but the Army is a rough place and he has to be hanging around with guys who are doing this too. He does have options where ever he is stationed or having his training. He can go do PT, he can run, read, possibly volunteer for a service project in his free time. Do you live on base? If so, there are all kinds of support groups there. If you aren't on or near a base, I'd suggest one of the online chats. My pesonal favorite is MilitaryMoms.net. There are girlfriends, wives and moms there who share everything about military life. It isn't political.. against the rules... but I think you would find some support there from women who also understand about the demands the military makes on your life. OUr son is about to get out of the Army after four years and while I am very glad that he chose that route, I do know that there are a lot of temptations thrown at the guys all the time. I would also strongly suggest that you try to get your husband to talk to the chaplain. They have heard it all and maybe he or she can help. Hang in there kiddo.
Every way of a man seems right to himself but the Lord is the tester of hearts. Proverbs 21:2 |
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BarefootGoatGirl
True Blue Farmgirl
1495 Posts
Corrine
North Carolina
USA
1495 Posts |
Posted - Oct 28 2006 : 6:32:59 PM
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First of all thankyou to all of you who have offered support, love, and prayers.
Because several of you have asked questions, I'll tell the whole story. My husband was introduced to pornography when he was 14, right after his father died, and begin using it as a way to deal with stress. Even at that age, he knew it was wrong and has been struggling with it ever since. When he was in Korea several years ago, it was everywhere. He had to see it because it was on plastered on every wall in the barricks, and on half the tv screens. When he came home he told me about how hard it had been seeing that all the time. After that the issue dissapeared for several years until one day he confided in me that he was strongly convicted on lust of the eyes and asked if I would pray for him. I was a bit shocked since I had never seen him oogling other women, but held it together and said yes I would pray. I never even suspected porn. A few days later I found an image on the computer and compleatly flipped. I am so thankful it was not a totaly gross hard core type image...I couldn't have handled that. I am not sure I like him very much right now, but I do love him. He is currenly reading "Every Man's Battle" but we have yet to make it to counseling as he is doing a deployment trainup and is not getting time off. The Army is not very understanding about "personal problems" and for the most part does not consider porn to be a problem. When he gets back next week I am going to ask that we go see the chaplain. Chaplain Jones is a great man and I feel that we would both be comfortable with him...also we could see him durring the week day with very little problem. I know he is not looking at porn at home because I now have a very tight internet filter that sends all computer activity to my secret email address set up just for that purpose.
I think I am out of things to say for now. I just don't have the energy for anymore.
Thanks again! Prayer is a wonderful thing. Trina
'
Be thou diligent to know the state of thy flocks, and look well to thy herds. Proverbs 27:23 |
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westernhorse51
True Blue Farmgirl
1681 Posts
michele
farmingdale
n.j.
USA
1681 Posts |
Posted - Oct 28 2006 : 6:41:40 PM
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Trina, God Bless you & your family. Prayer is more powerful then porn, hang in there. Give it to God, some things we just can't do on our own & He doesn't want us to handle bad things alone anyway.
she selects wool and flax and works with eager hands Prov.31:13 |
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KYgurlsrbest
True Blue Farmgirl
4853 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4853 Posts |
Posted - Oct 30 2006 : 11:24:52 AM
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Trina--
I really feel for you, and I deal with the same issues... my husband and I have battled the porn thing for all 5 years of our marriage. He was so secretive about it--and to me, it was the secrecy that made it "bad"....I came from a family that really didn't discuss sexual issues all that much, so porn is like a white elephant in the room for me. I'll never forget the day I found the mags in his drawer...We were married for two weeks. Nothing wierd, just airbrushed bimbos, but instead of the porn bothering me, I think what hurt me the most was what I believed to be true about our relationship--not only did I feel absolute bliss in our relationship, he made me feel sexier and more beautiful than I'd ever felt in my life, I was absolutely in love with every bit of him--and all of that positivity came crashing down in about 15 minutes. I felt duped. And I just stopped believing in us for a long while. I've done it all. Initially, I thought "creating an open dialogue" was the way to go--he could see how "accepting and cool" I was. But HIS issues wouldn't allow him to talk to me about it-I sensed a lot of guilt, but mostly for getting caught. So, I'd cry, get enraged, threaten--one day, I cut out all of their faces at and glued photos of my face instead (mean--but fun). When he switched to dvd's, I scratched them with sos pads and put them back in the "hiding spot". I tried losing weight (I've always been a size 6), bought lingerie, whatever...and one day I just stopped. It dawned on me that it's his issue, not mine. Long story short, he's a catholic altar boy with mommy issues and a troubled childhood with no intimacy.
I wish that I had some answer--I don't. I know this, though. I don't think about it too much anymore. We really just kindof came to an impass--he never saw it as a problem, I did (and sometimes do). The more I attempted to talk to him about it, he just got further and further away from me. Once it wasn't such an issue for me, I've noticed it's not such a "thing" with him--the interest has waned a bit.
I just wish you the world. Obviously you know that you aren't the only one out there--I can safely say that "I blame the media" for making it "ok" that even our food should be advertised and sold by sex!
Just think of all of the roads there are...all of the things I haven't seen....yet. |
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Kelly43
True Blue Farmgirl
349 Posts
NJ
USA
349 Posts |
Posted - Oct 31 2006 : 3:31:53 PM
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Trina, I have no experience with this as many of these other very wise farmgirls, but I can send you hugs and prayers. If this is something you think is worth it I encourage you to hang in there, hopefully all of our prayers will help you through.
Kel |
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Beemoosie
True Blue Farmgirl
2077 Posts
Bonnie
New York
USA
2077 Posts |
Posted - Nov 01 2006 : 05:06:21 AM
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Trina,
I echo the prayers of the others. I encourage you to seek out Focus on the Family www.family.org (this is Brenda's advice from earlier) and seek the support of a local church if you do not already have one.
Take care of yourself
Bonnie
...she is far more precious than jewels and her value is far above rubies or pearls.
Prov 31:10 |
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BarefootGoatGirl
True Blue Farmgirl
1495 Posts
Corrine
North Carolina
USA
1495 Posts |
Posted - Nov 02 2006 : 12:00:20 PM
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I have been to Focus on the Family and read a few of their articles and listened to some archived radio shows. The problem is, they are mostly aimed at him or us as a couple and he isn't home. Please pray that the Lord brings him an accountablitly partner. A repentant sinner must avoid temptation in his or her weak area, but with his job there is no way to do so. The Lord is going to have to give him a double portion of strenth to get through this enlistment.
As for Jonni's post...I deffinately agree about the media making it ok. Since I found out about my husbands problem, it is like my eyes have been opened. Just the other day I watched a movie ment for pre-teens and suddenly noticed certain shots that were very enticing. Driving though a military town, my boys get an eyefull of soft porn on the billboards alone! I don't think I will ever be ok, with my man looking at other women but I certainly understand where the temptation comes from.
Thanks agian for all the support. Trina
'
Be thou diligent to know the state of thy flocks, and look well to thy herds. Proverbs 27:23 |
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Beemoosie
True Blue Farmgirl
2077 Posts
Bonnie
New York
USA
2077 Posts |
Posted - Nov 02 2006 : 3:59:09 PM
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There's GOT to be other Christian men in the army...we'll pray that the Lord leads them your hubby's way!! (((hugs)))
Just remember we're here when you need to chat!
Love,
Bonnie
...she is far more precious than jewels and her value is far above rubies or pearls.
Prov 31:10 |
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Phils Ann
True Blue Farmgirl
1095 Posts
Ann
Parsonsburg
Maryland
USA
1095 Posts |
Posted - Nov 03 2006 : 06:42:08 AM
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I agree in prayer with you Bonnie.
XO,
Ann
There is a Redeemer. |
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22944 Posts
22944 Posts |
Posted - Nov 03 2006 : 10:41:10 AM
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Hi Trina-
Yes our society today is definatly giving false images of women. I was in a persuasive writing class where the teacher taught us about advertising. Most advertisments are geared to an understandability level of 6th grade or lower. Not only that but to hook most men they use images of lust, power and luxury. For women? They use images of gaining beauty, spare time, and luxury. What is wrong with this picture? Plenty but the bottom line is they are playing to the baser impulses of human nature and encouraging impulses that many view as wrong or sinful. Advertising and media today encourage sloth, greed, gluttony, vanity and the idea the a "Fast and loose" lifestyle is okay.
One thing that has really lifted the viel from my eyes is seeing why they do this. Why do they want us to live a fast and loose lifestyle? Because the faster we live, the less we see people as people. The faster we live the more we see people as objects and objects are expendable and buyable! Yikes! People are not buyable but that is the underlying message behind each advertisement. "Buy this product and you are buying (insert baser impulse here).
Perhaps if we get the guys to see this we can help them overcome their desire to see such things. Doug says our fight really took the desire for him to look at such things out of him and part of our fight was about being intelligent about what we are viewing and our responsibilities. I think all guys want to be the strong, intelligent, provider type in at least some way and if we can help them see how they are being manipulated, well I can only hope it helps.
Sorry if this is a rant but just reading all these posts about the billboards and such just really struck some cords in me about how commercialistic our society is today. I am so glad we farmgirls have each other as a fortress against some of those impulses out there! I am rather proud that my last impulse buy was a sewing machine so that I can create my own instead of buying more stuff from places like Walmart and such! |
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Phils Ann
True Blue Farmgirl
1095 Posts
Ann
Parsonsburg
Maryland
USA
1095 Posts |
Posted - Nov 04 2006 : 08:09:52 AM
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OH, Alee. I so agree with you. Our society is so bent on destruction. Generally speaking, we're lemmings going off the cliff. Men DO want to be respected as leaders, but we as women have really confused them with (again, I speak in very broad terms) our demands for them to let us be in charge. I once heard a speaker who, when talking about Adam and Eve's sin and God's consequence, said that "Woman's desire for her husband" means literally, "Woman's desire to be OVER her husband", not sexually desiring her husband. We've seen that come to pass in the last couple of generations. So many men just don't know what we want of them.
In regard to advertisements, YES. It's been around for a long time, but the walls have been coming down and the problem just becomes more overt. I am in awe of my husband, who, when watching the news (the only non-public tv he watches), he always has a newspaper in his lap and when the sexy woman invariably comes into the ad, he turns his eyes to the newspaper. His standard for his own conduct is extremely high regarding fidelity... and I am humbled greatly by it.
Because Doug is engaging in the fight to communicate and to stop his destructive behavior, I really believe you guys stand a good chance. Trina's husband's telling her is also a good thing-- he seems to want accountablilty and recognises his own problem as a real problem. Thank God. You all are in my prayers.
Love,
Ann
There is a Redeemer. |
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Family Matters: Not a Good Week |
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Not a Good Week
