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Family Matters:  About Having Kids - HELP  |
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willowtreecreek
True Blue Farmgirl
4813 Posts
Julie
Russell
AR
USA
4813 Posts |
 Posted - Nov 04 2006 : 06:38:14 AM
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I am 28. My Richie and I have been married for 6 years. When we dated we talked about having a family but it was always kind of a "Maybe someday" kind of thing. Neither of us were really serious about it, it was just one of those things that we knew AT THE TIME was impossible and we would look at it again later down the road. My little sis is about to have a baby in April and my Richie has been talking more and more about having kids. The truth is though I am deathly afraid of it. I LOVE kids - I teach, but the thought of being pregnant or having my own kids is FREAKING me out! He hasn't said we should start trying or anything but he keeps "dropping hints" that he is thinking about it. For example: His mother found this great deal on a Baby bed and offered to buy it for my sister. Well, God love her, my sister is sortof stuck up and although her and her husband really have no extra money right now she had the nerve to say she didn't want the babybed if she couldn't see it first! (It's like a 400$ bed!!!!) Anyway, Richie says to his mom that she could buy it and put it back for us! I just kind of stared at him! I'm thinking "were having kids??????" I just don't know what to do! I am happy with it being JUST US right now. HAs anyone been through this? What should I do?
Jewelry, art, baskets, etc.
www.willowtreecreek.com |
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22944 Posts
22944 Posts |
Posted - Nov 04 2006 : 07:08:07 AM
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Hi Julie-
For a VERY VERY long time I was very adamant about NOT having kids also. Unfortunatly for me I found out the hard way that birth control pills (no matter how routinely you take them) can fail for really no reason. I first got pregnant about 3 years ago while on birth control. Unfortunatly I miscarried that baby. 9 months later (and still on birth control) I got pregnant again and miscarried again.
Quite honestly it took for me to get pregnant for my fears to be set aside. There is so much to worry about when thinking of being pregnant. Everything to how it will affect your marriage to "gee to I really want to add another body to this planet in this day and time?"
Honestly I think these fears and reservations are natural. It is what ends up creating that line between the parents who love and care for their children and those parents who don't care.
It's really scary when your partner and you are on different pages- especially on something that is as big as having kids. I really suggest you sit down and have a good chat with him about where you two are at in your lives and bring that matter into the light. I think the worst thing is when we go around dropping those little hints and then misunderstandings arise.
Now I am not trying to convince you to have kids, but I am pregnant right now so if you don't mind I will tell you what it was like for me to be pregnant 3 times so far. One of the things that made me so terrified at first was the whole "unknown" factor of it. Please feel free to ignore the following if you like :)
My first pregnancy was a huge suprise. When we found out my boyfriend was wonderfully supportive. He had accepted it and gotten happy about it by the time we had driven home from the doctor. I was still kindof numb! But after the numbness wore of I got this incredible sense of peace and joy about it. I was really excited and ordered all kinds of books to read and looked forward to each new week. It was horribly sad when I miscarried. Luckily for me it was early enough that I didn't go through any pain or anything- it was just like a really horrible period.
My second pregnancy happened right in the middle of helping my friend plan her wedding. I wasn't even sure I was pregnant for a while and by the time I got back from my trip, things were already going downhill. I could "feel" that there wasn't something right about that pregnancy so while it was hard, it wasn't as hard. I also think it happened pretty early too.
Now with this pregnancy- I got pregnant at the end of June. I was terribly tired and emotional all of July and couldn't figure out why. I was so busy that at first I didn't even notice the fact that I had missed my period! The hardest thing for me was that I was afraid of losing this baby too for a long time so I did not let myself get attached to the idea of being pregnant. With this pregnancy unlike the others I have had the joy of tiredness, and lots of nausea. My body is changing but it is pretty cool to be able to feel my uterus through my ab wall. It's also amazingly cool to see that little baby for the first time on ultrasound and hear the heartbeat. I am really looking forward to seeing my baby in life.
I still am slightly afraid of being a parent. There are days when I am totally ready and other days where I look around and say to myself "What was God thinking! Am I really going to be ready?"
I firmly believe that we are never handed more than we can handle. Sometimes it takes a long time to handle them and sometimes it takes help to handle them. But we keep moving forward.
If you'll take one last little bit of advice- try to figure out why the thought of your own kids freaks you out so much- is it the natural fears about being a good parent? Worries about the relationship? Worries about health and body afterwards? Something else or all of the above? *Hugs* I thnk you and your husband will be able to talk it out and if you have an idea before hand why it freaks you out so much you might be able to help him see why also.
This is all just my opinion and I am by no means an expert. I hope you guys get some clarity for both of you :) *hugs*
Alee |
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Horseyrider
True Blue Farmgirl
1045 Posts
Mary Ann
Illinois
1045 Posts |
Posted - Nov 04 2006 : 10:32:42 AM
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Alee, again you amaze me with your wisdom and compassion. Your little one is fortunate to have you for a mother, even if you're scared and wondering if you'll be any good at parenting. You will be. 
Julie, I'm 51 years old. My youngest is about your age. Alee gave such sensible advice I don't have much to add except I understand your fear at how the choice to have a child makes for irreversable changes in your life. I don't know much of anyone who hasn't felt like this. I've found that those who didn't also had unrealistic notions about parenthood. It's like they believed the baby powder ads or something, and thought it'd all be cuddling and cooing.
Do you have a good relationship with your mom? When we have our first child we as women really seem to need our mothers, or a good mother figure, as mentors. A heart to heart with her about what it's like to be a mom can help. Like Alee says, these fears are very normal, and usually indicate someone with a lot of desire to do well.
(((((HUGS)))))
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Luzy
True Blue Farmgirl
922 Posts
Luanne
Pueblo
Colorado
USA
922 Posts |
Posted - Nov 04 2006 : 11:08:00 AM
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Julie, I just thought I'd throw this out there, just a different perspective. I'm 51 also, and had our first and only child at 26. When Jason was 1 year old we tried to have another baby...for the next 4 years,nothing. We went through many years of misdiagnoses and then I was finally told I had Endometriosis. After 3 surgeries we simply could not conceive another child. I thank God everyday for Jason. If we would've waited, we wouldn't have him. I never in a thousand years thought this would happen to me. I just thought when ever we were ready, we could have as many children as we wanted. WRONG!! So I guess what I'm trying to say is how would you feel if you couldn't have kids?? The answer to that question might tell you a lot. I'm not trying to persuade you, just sharing my story and giving you a different insight on things. Good luck, I wish you all the best. Hugs, Luzy
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May I always be the kind of person my dog thinks I am. |
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julia hayes
True Blue Farmgirl
1132 Posts
julia
medical lake
wa
USA
1132 Posts |
Posted - Nov 05 2006 : 01:40:29 AM
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Oh Julie, I can totallly relate to your fears! I'm almost 41 now and up until 6 years I was pretty certain I was not going to have kids. My husband and I were living in Seattle living the city life, travelling all over the world, etc..etc.. kids just didn't seem to fit in the picture. But then my husbands professional life became really miserable and an opportunity for BIG change occured and we bought a small farm outside of Spokane Washington. I quit my career and became a full time gentle woman farmer! We got pregnant after about a year..and that was a really ambivalent time. I wasn't completely sure I wanted to have kids but at the same time I wasn't certain that I didn't want to have them. When I became pregnant we were scared but thrilled. Unfortunately I had a miscarriage ( a VERY common thing for first time pregnancies..up to 40%!) and THAT solidified our decision to have kids. I was 36 years old when my son was born, 38 with my daughter and now almost 41 with another daughter due in about a month!
Having kids freaks you out? It should and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that..HUGE decision! You don't have to be someone who "just knows" you want to have kids...There are women out there just like that but I wasn't really one of them..until I had my son and then my entire soul was altered...
I think Alee's post was amazing and she offered some great thoughts. I would highly recommend you talk with your husband in depth about the matter..share your fears, concerns, hopes etc.. Remember that he is NOT the one who will be pregnant..things will not change for him the way they will change for you so its important that he fully understands your perspective. Communication is key in any relationship and becomes that much more important in parenting..so go to your guy and spill your guts!
I'll also add that at 28 years of age, you are still mighty young! I totally appreciated Luzy's post though and would recommend that you have a thorough physical before becoming pregnant to make sure everything is ok. I guess the bottom line is that you still have plenty of time to consider what you want to do. I wish you the best of luck!
Julia Hayes
being simple to simply be |
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willowtreecreek
True Blue Farmgirl
4813 Posts
Julie
Russell
AR
USA
4813 Posts |
Posted - Nov 05 2006 : 09:03:54 AM
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Thanks for all of your thoughts on this!!!
Jewelry, art, baskets, etc.
www.willowtreecreek.com |
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therusticcottage
True Blue Farmgirl
4439 Posts
Kay
Vancouver
WA
USA
4439 Posts |
Posted - Nov 05 2006 : 10:31:09 AM
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Julie -- I just have to speak about this from the heart. My first pregnancy was when I was 18. I was too young to know any better. Had never been around children and knew absolutely nothing about them. Thank God for a mother-in-law who was patient with me and taught me how to care for my beautiful new baby. My second pregnancy was at age 42. I was shocked and thrilled at the same time. I will admit is has been harder this time around because of my age and having so many years between daughters (24 yrs to be exact). Both of my girls have been such a blessing to me! They are truly a gift from God that I thank Him for every day. Sometimes I wonder what my life would have been like had I not gotten pregnant so young. I would've been able to go to college right out of high school, probably would have lots more money, etc. Then I look at my family and I am so grateful that God chose the path for me that He did. Had I never had my first so young I would not be enjoying the blessings of my wonderful grandsons!
Having children is truly a blessing. LOTS of hard work but well worth it. My life would be so empty without my children and grandchildren. Take some time to think about what it is that is making you afraid to have children. And there is no rule that says because you are married that you have to have them. But I know that had I never had mine I would have missed out on a life full of joy and blessings that they have given me. I would hate to see you miss that blessing too. You're still young and have plenty of time to make a decision about having children. You'll know when you're ready.
Handmade purses and bath delights at www.rusticcottagecreations.com
Visit my blog! http://rusticcottage.blogspot.com/ |
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laluna
True Blue Farmgirl
295 Posts
New York
USA
295 Posts |
Posted - Nov 10 2006 : 5:57:36 PM
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| It looks like I'll be going against the group thought here, but I will tell you that my husband and I made the decision many years ago that we did not want children. (We're both in our late 30's and have been married over 13 years.) We both love our nieces and nephews, and I too am a teacher, so "liking" kids isn't the issue, nor is my life "empty" in any way. I've seen *far* too many people have kids who quite frankly, shouldn't have. Just because we *can* do something, doesn't mean we *should*, imo. We made the decision for many reasons, and I'd be happy to talk to you about this more if you'd like - you can send my an e-mail message via my board profile. Oh, and I'd also like to recommend a funny little book called Baby NOT on Board (I don't remember the author at the moment)...definitely puts things in perspective and helps you realize that you're not alone, despite the sometimes overbearing attitudes of our society :-) |
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22944 Posts
22944 Posts |
Posted - Nov 10 2006 : 8:48:22 PM
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Laluna-
My aunt and uncle made the same decision. They love their lives and wouldn't trade them. I totally agree with you that just because we can do something- it doesn't mean we should! :)
I think it is always good to consider both sides of something before making a choice. Sometimes it is hard to go against what you are made to feel society expects.
I have noticed an upward trend of "childless" couples especially in my area. I know a lot of academic professionals who don't have the room in their lives for a child.
I think one of the best things we can do to help this poor world is be understanding of our neighbors. Whether that be our physical neighbors or our emotional neighbors- it doesn't matter. I think that each person has a wonderful right and priveledge to choose what is best for their lives.
Thanks for bringing up this point! Always good to consider!
Alee |
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ArmyWifey
True Blue Farmgirl
712 Posts
Holly
Abilene
KS
712 Posts |
Posted - Nov 10 2006 : 9:40:00 PM
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it's always hard to imagine life differently than it is and having children is a big step but it's a very rewarding one.
talk to your husband, make a list of pros and cons if you must but know that if you do have children you will never regret it.
As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord!
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bramble
True Blue Farmgirl
2044 Posts
2044 Posts |
Posted - Nov 11 2006 : 6:10:31 PM
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Julie- All I can add to this is that the decision should be mutual, no one pressuring anyone else. You are young! I got married at 28 and had my son (remarkably at 34) and at 46 we were given the priveledge of caring for a 7 week old who is still with us. Sometimes life gives you a chance to listen to your heart and find out your own truth. My best friend told me when we were kids that she was never having kids, and she doesn't. Is her life less? No, when she needs a kid perspective "Auntie" scoops up mine and her niece and gets the picture, atleast for the day. She doesn't regret that this was her choice, she knew who she was and what she wanted.
I was different, wanted kids badly but nature wasn't cooperating.
After being told probably never happening, I got pregnant while waiting to adopt! You need to talk until your husband hears you and make the decision that is right for you, right now. You can always change your mind if you feel differently in the future. It shouldn't be an issue hanging between you, now or ever. Good luck and you will be in my thoughts. I hope you find some peace on this topic, it's one of the big ones in a marriage.
with a happy heart |
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willowtreecreek
True Blue Farmgirl
4813 Posts
Julie
Russell
AR
USA
4813 Posts |
Posted - Nov 11 2006 : 6:52:10 PM
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You guys are all so wonderful. I have really appreciated all of the advise. Richie and I have been talking and he isn't in any kind of a hurry eaither but we both have decided it is something we need to consider the possibilities of. Richie is 4 years older than me and neither of us want to be "old" if we do decide to have kids. I have shared all of your thoughts with him and it has been very helpful. We have decided to wait at least another year.
Jewelry, art, baskets, etc.
www.willowtreecreek.com |
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julia hayes
True Blue Farmgirl
1132 Posts
julia
medical lake
wa
USA
1132 Posts |
Posted - Nov 11 2006 : 7:03:24 PM
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Julie, I just had to laugh at the "old" comment! By many peoples' perspective, I am definitely an old mama! I'll be 41 on the 16th and I'm pregnant with #3! Surprisingly, this has been my best pregnancy yet! I'm older than most but I sure wasn't ready when I was in my 20's but by my later 30's things really seemed to fall into place nicely.. I think you'll know when you know.. Age is such a state of mind..I remember being in my 20's thinking people in their 40's were so much older.. HA!! I can't believe I'm there now and feel as ridiculously clueless about so many things as I did 20 years ago! Amazing.. So glad you and your honey are chatting about it..Whatever you decide will be the right decision.. No worry
Many wrinkly smiles to you!
Julia Hayes
being simple to simply be |
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Family Matters: About Having Kids - HELP |
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About Having Kids - HELP
