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Dorinda Posted - Aug 14 2011 : 10:19:46 AM
I have taken care of my Mom and handicapped sister for 32 years now. I am so tired! I feel like it is someone else's turn in the family. My Mom has never drove and I have been driving her every where for 32 years. Since I got married. I have neglected my home, Husband and children because of this. I have an older sister who lives down the road from me. She is an alcoholic. She takes my sister to her Dr. appointments every once in a while. And that's about it. I have talked to her several times about helping more and her reply is she is not going to do it and she is not going to feel guily about it. I have 2 brothers and one more sister. My brothers replys are their wives have their own Mother to take of. And they are to busy. My other sister moved away so she would not have to help. Saids she is taking care of her own self and family. My Mother is sick now and has been for about 3 years on oxygen. They are a real hand full. My mother refuses to move out here on the farm. I have been taking care of 2 homes now for a long time. I have been crying alot lately. I have been trying to get my brothers and sisters to lets put them in an assisstive living place but they all refuse to do it. My mother is a picky eater at that and will not hardly eat any thing I make for them. I have decided to just walk away I am so tired of it all. I quit college when I was 22 years old to take care of them. I am now 50 and I want to go back to school. I also have a son who has Epilepsy that I feel like I am neglecting because I just do not have time to take care of because of my mother and sister. I thought maybe if I just walk away that my other brothers an sisters might start pitching in more. I feel so worn out and tired i do not want to do it any more. Pray for me that I can see this through.

Seize The Day!
25   L A T E S T    R E P L I E S    (Newest First)
MagnoliaWhisper Posted - Sep 05 2011 : 5:55:08 PM
She is still in the hissy fit stage, she will outgrow it or get bitter one or the other.

My mom did the same thing about me getting married, in fact, said she never wanted to speak to me again and all kinds of crazy things, now she denies she said any of that! but, she went plum nuts. She never wanted me to leave her, etc. Well it's natural to get married, and leave home that's the way life goes.

Any way she tried the controlling thing for a while but I didn't allow it, again there was some hissy fits but she got over it.

Now she has a DD that is 12, and she is always saying never leave me...the 12 y/o tells her she won't. Mom gets mad at me when ever I even suggest teaching the 12 year old anything that would make her independant......Ie how to wash clothes, how to cook food, etc. She doesn't want to hear a word of anything that would give her freedom to ever leave home. Right now she is 12 and I really don't have a say since my mom is the parent. But, believe me when she hits 18 I am not going to do anything to be mean to my mother, but I will let her know she doesn't HAVE to live at home for ever, she can learn to do things for herself and be her own person!

My mom loves to have people wait on her though, she even has this 12 year old literally wipe her butt for her...she's that lazy! She's not even very old yet..........UHG.

OTOH, my grandmother was like that too, and said some of the same things to me as well, glad I was sick, etc. When I went into the hospital after taking care of her, and I almost died from my own self neglect! After that and they said I only had 2 weeks to live, because of how much I had been taking care of every one but my self, I put my foot down, and I have put my own health first every since. I am by no means selfish, but how could I help any one if I was dead?
Penny Wise Posted - Sep 05 2011 : 3:40:29 PM
dorinda...i am sooooooooooooooo glad to read your post tonite---
i can't stay online long or really say a whole lot of what i would like right now but i want to share something with you ---last summer; my (new to me) sister in law and i were talking and i was having a hard time understanding why she felt the way she did about one of her parents---she finally just said that she had had to "divorce them" --and it makes sense--love is a choice--and being treated as you have been is not being loved....
you need to love you and allow yourself to have life!!!!!
you go girl!!!!!!!!!
big hugs!

Farmgirl # 2139
~*~ counting my pennies and biding my time; my dreams are adding up!~*~
Dorinda Posted - Sep 05 2011 : 1:20:10 PM
Yes Margo, I am taking care of my self finally after all these years. I have had some good crys the last couple of weeks. I have not gone over to my Mothers house now for about 3 weeks. That is the longest I have ever stayed away. My Husband and friends say they see in me a lot happier person. I have not heard any thing back from the case worker at this time. My brothers and sisters are mad at me. But I hear they are finally stepping up to the plate. I let all of them know that the offer still stood as far as my mother moving out here to the farm. I told them that I would either take my Mother or sister. But not both. Of course my mother has always been a self centered person. She sent word that she hopes to live long enough to see me get sick. She use to always say that about my brothers and sisters. I've always thought that was a terrible thing to say or think. I would never in my entire life say that about one of my children. I can't believe every thing I have given up in my life to make sure their life was comfortable and happy. I have never been able to slow down and smell the roses as to speak. Any time I had free time I would never use it on my self or my family. I would always be over there making sure every thing was in place for them. I have never felt such a freedom that I am feeling now. Wow I cannot even describe it. I remember the first year my husband and I were married I was working at a small barbecue restaurant and my mother sent a letter by some one to my work place. I remember sitting down and reading the letter and I just started crying. She made me feel so quily for getting married and leaving home. She had put things in the letter like how I quess I will never see you again since you got married and left home. I hope you don't start just thinking about your self and for get about us sitting in town. That is when it all started the letters to make me feel quilty would come every time I did not go over for about 3 days. When ever I would get sick with the flu or something I could never stay home and take care of my self. I remember one time when my 8 year old was in the hospital she got mad because I was staying with him at the hospital. She kept calling the hospital wanting to know when I was going to the grocery store to pick up things for her. Never asking about her grand son. I will never go back to that life style again. Experiencing the freedom I have felt in the last 3 weeks is unbelieveable! I love my Mother and sister and wish them the best. I wish she felt that way about all I have done for them.

Seize The Day!
Penny Wise Posted - Sep 05 2011 : 06:27:01 AM
dorinda; checking in to see how you are doing?????
are you taking care of you??????

Farmgirl # 2139
~*~ counting my pennies and biding my time; my dreams are adding up!~*~
classygram Posted - Sep 04 2011 : 7:02:25 PM
Dorinda my heart just breaks for you, It's very hard when your the only one taking care of everything. I have a brother that never, and I mean never has helped me with my father or mother. Yet he is the king. She has gotten so hateful and hurtful that I have had to stand up for myself and start taking care of what I need to do. Sweetie, please see if your doctor could give you advise and help you out. Sending prayers that this all works out. Hugs,Brenda


Seek reasons to Love..In every sigment of everyday-look for something that brings forth within you a feeling of Love-Abraham Hicks
Tapestry Posted - Sep 04 2011 : 4:56:03 PM
Dorinda my heart goes out to you. I'm so glad you're getting a case worker. There are many avenues available that should be of help in your situation. I'm not a lawyer but I know some of these things were put to my family during my mother's illness. Fortunately my father was able to pay for my mother's care without having to use Medicaid. My parents also have a will and my mom filled out advance directives so her family and caregivers were fully aware of her wishes. Your mother and sister's physician can order a competency hearing for both your mother and your sister. If they're found incompetent a guardian can be appointed to act on their behalf if no family member is able/willing to do that. Medicaid would be an option as to payment for your mother's care. Her home would be given to Medicaid to help offset the cost of her care. Other financial assets may too. Does she have a power of attorney for health and finances?? If not I'd suggest you have the caseworker help you get appointed as their POA. You will then have the ability to make decisions regarding property of your mother's. Your sister may qualify for Medicare or Medicaid if she is handicapped. If she's already receiving this that should help pay for her care. There may be no inheritance for anyone but at least you'll be free to live your life again and your mother and sister can receive the necessary care they need without you losing your sanity. As for your siblings what goes around comes around. I'd not waste a moment's time over their feelings as they've surely not cared about yours.
All the best to you. Bless your heart for the love and care you've given to your mother and sister. God notices these things you know ;)

Happy farmgirl sister #353

Look for rainbows instead of mud puddles
marthajane Posted - Aug 25 2011 : 2:53:22 PM
Dear Dorinda,
Heres maybe a little something that hasnt been said.
If your mother is having trouble breathing on her own, how is she still at home entrusted to care for someone else?
Thats not even logical...but believe me sweetie, Ive got a mirror for you of my life.
It can sure get twisted up so we cant see straight.
But your life is your own, I wish you all the courage to stand up for what you sounds like your the only one struggling or should I say striving..and is not fair, and proves that these other people are DEPENDENT on you for their support. You should be getting paid by all of watch it, bc your interests are not being guarded by anyone, and take it from someone who knows, you gotta get some assurance for yourself. Like maybe you get a lawyer, just to make sure everyone knows where your boundaries are.
Does this make sense?
I guess I live pretty close to you, I drive but do not have a car, or I would offer to come help you out!
Little Backyard Farm Girl Effort here in suburbia, thats me!
Good Luck

Happiness IS being a MoM
AmethystRose Posted - Aug 18 2011 : 3:00:06 PM
Dorinda, probate is just the process of settling someone's estate after they die, will or no will. If your mother owns her house free and clear, that is her major asset and disability insurance. If she can't take care of it and herself, then something must change, and it will take care of her.

You have done your share, and are entitled to a clear conscience. It's good that there is already some agency to check on your mother. The next time that they are there, don't be there yourself. They need to see truly how things are. Be at your doctor, getting in writing that you are exhausted and cannot function as a caretaker any more. Let your siblings deal with the system, it's their turn.

I have lived through this kind of turmoil. In the late 70s before I knew him, my husband moved into a vacation property in a poor paying area as a caretaker to keep it in the family and avoid a sale, and was promised ownership with his younger brother. His father died, his mother with Alzheimer's gave power of attorney to his elder brother who could never manage his own business (but was named after his father, so he was perfect) who borrowed a down payment from his mother, bought the place, evicted us after 25 years and sold the place two years later for four times what he paid. Seven years later, I know that we live better.
Cherime Posted - Aug 16 2011 : 08:37:19 AM
Praying for you and yours.

Farmer Judy Posted - Aug 16 2011 : 07:32:57 AM
Good luck Dorinda, my SIL left the family with no forwarding address and after my FIL died we were left holding the bag with my MIL. She is medically nuts. She sold her home, moved into an assisted living and ended up hating it, invested money with a guy who ripped it off, came to live with us until she started verbally abusing my DS (13 with aspergers) and now she is in a nursing home. We had all the hassle of living wills, power of attorneys, relatives saying we needed to keep her at home but they wont take care of her (they wont even visit). She is happier now and so are we. It is rough to go thru but in the end it may be a better situation, maybe your handicapped sister will have more help and be happier and more productive with the help of professionals to help her learn to help herself more. As far as your other sister, keep leaving AA pamplets around and talk to your pastor, maybe he can talk to her about getting help. Believe me, it will get bad but it will be better in the end. Don't take anything personal, everyone is going to go into self preservation mode just realize that they are scared of change.

God bless,


Born a city girl but a farm girl at heart!
FarmDream Posted - Aug 15 2011 : 10:14:46 PM
Keep us updated. In my line of work I see this stuff play out a lot. I think you're doing the right thing in getting the case worker and nurse involved to help you find them a place.

~FarmDream is Farmgirl Sister #3069

Live Today, Cherish Yesterday, Dream Tomorrow
MagnoliaWhisper Posted - Aug 15 2011 : 7:45:26 PM
If she is really bad off and no one agrees with you and she refuses to go, I believe you can go to court and force her to go.

Oh, I see, Tina, I guess I read the first post incorrectly, cause I thought you said she didn't know she had a father (that wasn't her step father), I guess I figured if he was on her birth certificate she would of known.
Dorinda Posted - Aug 15 2011 : 7:18:15 PM
Thanks girls for all the advice. But I have already thought about all the different things yall all have said. My oldest sister is the real problem. The one who drinks all the time. When I tell my mother we should look at some other alternatives or say any thing about assissitive living my mom calls her right away and my sister tells her we are not going to do any thing she does not want to do. My handicapped sister needs to be in a group type home. My mom is not able to take care of her anymore. But my mom refuses to let her go. My mother is not capable of making decisions any more and my sister does not see that. My mother was in the hospital about 3 weeks ago and they ask if my mom lived alone and my sister told them no that our sister lived with her leaving out that our sister is handicapp. I think my sister is after her house. My moms house is paid for. She owes no mortgage against it. She keeps saying we need to keep my mom and Tammy in that house as long as we can. My mom refuses to do a will so the house is going to go into probate
after she is gone. It is all so stupid. No matter what I try to do or say no one will listen. as long as I am taking care of them every one is happy. I am not doing it anymore. Everyone is fixing to get a rude awakening. She already has a case worker and a nurse that comes by to check on her. Every time they come by I am there. They always tell me what a good daughter I am. I am going to call them and tell them I am not able to take care of them anymore. That I am going back to school. And have other obligations now. So they will probably remove them from the house. They can use my mothers house to place them some where. They do that in the state of Florida. But I fiqure my sister will step in and stop it. They do not like my sister because she has come over there drunk a couple of times when they were there. So this will be interesting. I have already called the nurse and she is suppose to be getting a hold of the case worker tomorrow. We will see what happens.

Seize The Day!
natesgirl Posted - Aug 15 2011 : 09:38:11 AM
Dorinda... I will pray for you.

I also personally think if the other members of your family wont help out, they get no say in whether or not they are in assisted living or not! In my state you would have the right to make the decision. If they fought you in court they would become personally responsible for them. Then if they missed a dr appt or their house wasn't cleaned well enough or they weren't fed, those family members would face fines and have their right of say taken from them!

You might give a call to a family law attorney and ask about that.

I have been a caretaker for the last 3 years. My Hubby's mom has had to be suppervised in everything she does, especially her spendin habits, and has to be drove and helped with everything. I gave up my home and life to move in with her. I very nearly gave up my marriage over it. My Hubby was spendin every spare moment with and was even goin to her as soon as he came home from work without so much as a hello to me. It was a bad time in our life with his dad passin and our newborn in the nicu at a hospital 1 1/2 hours away. Things got bad because there was no family life only time for her.

We finally seperated ourselves by buildin her a place on the back of the house and we didn't give it a door to the house, only her own outside entrance. We have been enforcin some hard rules about what we will help with and what we won't. She gets to be drove to town when we are goin for our own errands only and she does her own shoppin with cash only so she is restricted in her spendin. She has to make a list and we review it and get her the money for it, if it's not things that are ridiculous, like the time she tried to say she needed a new wardrobe because hers wasn't sexy enough! She has enough clothes to fill 3 closets and she doesn't wear hardly any of it, which the price tags on almost half the clothes can attest to!

Things swing back and forth between good and bad with her. My Hubby has even said if things don't settle into the good with her that we will move away. He is serious because he was talkin about another state!

I think if it's affeectin your family life and you don't feel good about the effects, leave it!

I will pray for your peace and family!

Farmgirl Sister #1438

God - Gardening - Family - Is anything else important?
FarmDream Posted - Aug 14 2011 : 8:18:34 PM
I'm sorry for this situation you're in Dorinda. You have done it far longer than I would have. I'm thinking you should talk to the doctor about setting up Medical Power of Attorney. This gives you the right to have your mom and sister put in facilities that can care for them. Your siblings will not have a say in the matter. It sounds like they have been piling on the guilt so heavy that you can't stand up any longer. If you do take these steps your family will probably get mad and throw temper tantrums. It won't last because they don't care enough. In the long run you'll get your sanity back.

~FarmDream is Farmgirl Sister #3069

Live Today, Cherish Yesterday, Dream Tomorrow
oldbittyhen Posted - Aug 14 2011 : 7:27:11 PM
Heather, they traced her thru first her late mom who lived with her at the end, then it was easy, birth certificate and then it does not matter if you ever even knew the person, or how badly they treated you, it still becomes your responsibility, not even close to fair, especialy if you are not financialy able or up to it health wise...

"Knowlege is knowing that a tomato is a fruit, Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad"
MagnoliaWhisper Posted - Aug 14 2011 : 5:47:39 PM
I agree with Elaine too!

Man Tina what a crazy situation! I know sometimes these kind of things like to give you the run around. I thought if you were a certain age it didn't matter how much you worked that you were eligible for medicare. Medicaid still should of paid though I would of thought for such a thing. For sure sounds like bullying! UHG! I wonder how they even found her, that sounds so weird! But, weird things are always happening to me too! lol
LuckyMommyof5 Posted - Aug 14 2011 : 5:09:13 PM
Dorinda - I can hear the fatigue in your voice and my heart aches for you. You have done more and sacrificed more than anyone should have expected of you. It's your turn to live your own life again. Tell your family members you are retiring - so they can either help you move your mom and sister into assisted living, or they can take over for what you have been doing. No choices. Choose to live your life the way you want - you've been waiting so long enough. We're all here to support you.

Farmgirl Sister #3243

"The real things haven't changed. It is still best to be honest and truthful; to make the most of what we have; to be happy with simple pleasures; and have courage when things go wrong." - Laura Ingalls Wilder
oldbittyhen Posted - Aug 14 2011 : 4:48:52 PM
Heather, she did get a lawyer after the fact, she was bullied into takeing him the beginning, it was proved that YES, he was her father, he ended up in a VA hospital due to an error, he was never in the military, he had not worked enough to gather SSI or medicare, so she was stuck, no other family to even help out, she did most of it on her dime, the only thing she was able to get was medicaid for him, it was a mess for her and her husband and kids...

"Knowlege is knowing that a tomato is a fruit, Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad"
farmmilkmama Posted - Aug 14 2011 : 4:35:32 PM
Well I was hopping on here to pen my own response, but it would have been almost exactly the same thing as Elaine posted, so I will defer to her. :) Dorinda, if you're the one doing the sacrificing in caring for your mom and sister, I think its only fair that you can lay the ground rules. Move to the farm or go to assisted living sounds perfectly fair and reasonable to me. And as for your siblings...well, I'm with Elaine on that one too. :)

--* FarmMilkMama *--

Farmgirl Sister #1086

Be yourself.
Everyone else is already taken.
-Oscar Wilde
embchicken Posted - Aug 14 2011 : 4:14:23 PM
When you are the caregiver you have to gove them choices.Tell them their choice is to live with you or go into assisted living. That's it - that is the choice. Sell their house and give it to the place wher they will be in for assisted living or if they choose to stay with you , open an account and have them "pay" rent from it. Many people can not care for their parents because of their situation or their parent's situation. That is what assisted living, nursing homes and if you want, home health aides are for. When you are hitting rock bottom (and it sounds like you are) you can not help any one. You need to care for yourself (tis is not selfishness this is good sense). Your other siblings can go take a leap of a pier - they are in no way contributing to the care of your mom an sister.
We had to do this for my uncle, who is mentally retartred. My parents could not care for him. We found a group home and my dad put my uncle's money in an account to use for his care. However Medicare pays for his home and health care. So when he needs money my dad sends a check. When my dad can no longer handle that my brother will take over. When my uncle passes the money will go to the ARC group.

Whatever happens I pray for your peace of mind and rest for your body. You need to be kind to yourself and spend time with your son.

~ Elaine
Farmgirl sister #2822

"Find yourself a cup of tea; the teapot is behind you. Now tell me about hundreds of things." ~Saki
classygram Posted - Aug 14 2011 : 2:07:23 PM
Another thing to try is use moms income and hire some in home sitters to stay with her so you can get out and have some you time. When the time comes that mom will need constant care, thats what I will have to do. She says she will NEVER go to a nursing home. So thats the only way I can get around the care that I phsyically can't do. And when the time comes and I have to refuse to do the lefting and 24 hr care, I will have to fight it with a lawyer. She has lived a long and confortable life with people doing for her all her life. I've yet to have my own life. I have catered to her all my life. And I'm just now trying to set up boundaries. I had to. So Dorinda I do hope that you can find something that you can live with without losing who you are.


Seek reasons to Love..In every sigment of everyday-look for something that brings forth within you a feeling of Love-Abraham Hicks
MagnoliaWhisper Posted - Aug 14 2011 : 1:50:20 PM
Tina how did the stranger "prove" he was her father? Did she give a blood sample or something? Something sounds fishy about that...I think I would of gotten a lawyer, at the very least VAs have nursing homes, you can still have living family members and go to a nursing home, so I don't understand why he couldn't be in the VA nursing home, the military often is a pita, and you have to fight them to give you your benifits (health/nursing home etc) but in the end they have to give it! There is lawyers that help with that kind of thing.
oldbittyhen Posted - Aug 14 2011 : 1:06:51 PM
Dorinda, depending on the laws in your state, if you are and have been their care takers, you are legaly bound to continue, and can face legal charges, as in elder abuse/abandonment, and abandonment of the mentaly ill...I have a friend that was called by the Vetrans Hospital here in California, several yrs back, and told her to come pick up her dad, she replied my dad passed away 3 yrs ago, they replied NO, your biologigal dad, (whom she never knew, he walked out on her and her mom , when she was 2 weeks old, never to be seen again), she told them NO!!!, and they replied you will be charged with elder abandoment, she laughed and hung up on them, the next day a Sheriffs deputy showed up to arrest her, long story short, she moved this man in with her, and took care of the stranger for 4 horrific years till he passed. Another friend in Arizona had been careing for her mom, since her Dad passed, got to a point that she went into a nurseing home, then when the Doctor deceided that she should go home, cause medi-care was used up towards the nursing home, she told them she COULD NOT care for her anylonger due to her own health problems, they also said she would be charged with abandoment, so again long story short, she had to bring her home till she passed...unless your mom and sister have the best insurence avalible, you will be on the hook for their care, but, you should be able to get caretakers pay thru the county/state or goverment...

"Knowlege is knowing that a tomato is a fruit, Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad"
rksmith Posted - Aug 14 2011 : 12:46:12 PM
Your family sounds like mine (well the aunts/uncles that parents families) My mom took care of her mother in law for 15 years until she died and not one of her children or grandchildren (who were old enough) would help out with anything at all. When my mom's mother started going down hill mentally and physically not one of her other children or grands or great-grands would help her. My mom and I did everything for her. She did eventually move in with my mom but this was only after she had gotten really bad. The way you describe your family, it won't matter what you do they will not help or change--unless they think something may cost them a little money or they can personally get some benefit (as in money). You should not have to bear such a burden by yourself and since you are feeling so tired and worn out (and burnt out) you NEED to take a step back. When caregivers get to such a point is when they will start to crack beneath the burden and someone can get hurt, albeit not intentionally. I would suggest checking with some assisted living or even long term care facilities to find out what your mom and sister can qualify for and go from there. Sometimes local hospitals can be of great help too. Ask your mom/sister's doctor for any references or request for a home health consultation to see if they qualify for in home caregivers, at least part of the time. Even though they may not be at a point in their health where they are ready for hospice care, checking with your local hospice can be a GREAT place to get information on respite care. I know that some of the hospices here will offer weekend respite care (or during the week too, but I think it is usually weekends that most people want it). Talking with your mom/sister's PCP is also a good idea, be sure to let the doctor know your situation, that you have no help from siblings, and you NEED a break from being the only constant caregiver. The doctor should be able to recommend facilities (either for short or long term) and take care of any admission requirements (this is also usually helpful in dealing with insurance/Medicare/Medicaid to have it come from the MD) or home health to come in and take over being the primary care providers. There are lots of community programs available, but I would start with the MD and go from there.

Farmgirl Sister #2753

Do not ask the Lord to guide your footsteps, if you are not willing to move your feet--Dr. Kioni

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