| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| TwoWildflowers |
Posted - Aug 17 2005 : 11:04:16 PM
Today is Wednesday, my daughter moves out starting Friday and I am sad. Today we sat out on the porch and chatted while the sun warmed us up...and I kept thinking how much I am going to miss these morning moments with my daughter. Latter I went into her room that is piled with boxes, bags and trash...and I remembered the day I brought her home to that very room that was then her nursery. The last time I saw her closet so empty was 21 years ago when it was waiting to be filled with cute little baby girl things! She is a senior in college now, and has driven to college about 150 miles round trip, 2-3 days a week, but we always said her senior year it would be good to be closer to campus (and with gas near $3 it is even a better idea!). Laurel is excited and scared. We talked about living alone today and how you get to really know yourself when you do that. I shared with her about my first year living alone...the year after I graduated from college and started teaching. I remembered how being poor made me think and budget, which were excellent skills for a female to master! I also remember how excited I was to get "my own place" before the reality of responsibility came home to me...like no mom to wash and fold my clothes and put them in my room for me.
I have heard it said we parents have the responsibility of teaching our kids to be adults and move on with their lives. I agree, but it still makes me sad to close this hands on mothering chapter of my life.
Lucky for me I have a grandbaby girl and another one coming this November, but these are my son's girls, and sons don't return home or call as often as daughters. But when the hands on mothering chapter ends, the being a "bam ma" chapter begins.
I just needed to talk about this tonight...thanks for reading.
Friends are my flowers in the garden of life |
| 25 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| OkieSunflower |
Posted - Sep 22 2005 : 4:31:49 PM
My boyz (I have three) are all 4 years apart. I feel like I've had kids at home FOREVER. I love them so very much and am very close to them all...but, (can I say but here?)...I am also ready for some time for me!
I have a wonderful daughter-in-law. She even LIKES me! I hear from them both (they're about an hour away) several times a week. I think what helps me is that I know they have each other. They dated several years before they married and are very good together.
Now my middle one....he'll never leave. We've had our ups and downs, but he always comes home. He is going to college and working.
Youngest one started High school this year. Am I sad, kinda, but also happy. I'm ready for this NEXT venture in life. Hubby and I have been married for almost 26 years and sometimes I'm ready to have a life with just us. We're both workaholics and seeing the fruits of our labor is wonderful.
My boys are my life. I have no other family...no parents, no grandparents....nobody but my boys and hubby. I'd be lost if they didn't want to come home.
I always feel sorry for the people who don't have children. Then I offer to send them one of mine!
Love your kids while you have them. I sure do!
"Nothing is impossible. Some things are just less likely than others." Jonathan Winters
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| Fabulous Farm Femmes |
Posted - Sep 21 2005 : 2:16:04 PM
City Cat..whew..are we related? You just told the story of MY life...well with one small exception..my Dad is gay and basically abandoned us from age 4 till I was in my 20's.I SO feel your pain. My mom and I are "close" now too, but to be brutally honest, if she weren't my mom I wouldn't be her friend.The one thing I did to change the genetic code or karma or the fallout, whatever you want to call it, is I learned what NOT to be as a mother/parent .I hug and kiss and touch my kids constantly even now they are young adults, and double with the grandbabies.And even though I ad a hard time with giving up control for many years, I finally did and the girls and I are best friends now and it is wonderful.They come home nearly every week with full and loving hearts and I am so blessed it makes up for the lack in my early years! You will be okay..email me if you want!! We'll talk.. |
| quilt8305 |
Posted - Sep 21 2005 : 08:47:38 AM
Robin,
And isn't it sweeter when they return because they want to......
Mary
The great use of life is to spend it for something that will outlast it. Wm. James |
| TwoWildflowers |
Posted - Sep 03 2005 : 08:25:21 AM
Just a simple question....
Where are all the cruise ships (licensed in other countries)? They are floating cities, they could house thousands with real beds, showers, fresh water, etc. They float all along the sourthern shorelines of America.
Friends are my flowers in the garden of life |
| showmemom |
Posted - Aug 22 2005 : 5:49:16 PM
hey robin-
hugs to you. praying for strength for the journey--
talk to you soon.
karen
Laughter is the sun that drives winter from the human face.
Victor Hugo |
| Clare |
Posted - Aug 22 2005 : 10:57:13 AM
Blessings and Miracles come in their own good time, don't they Robin? And you know what, sometimes daughters just are able to talk with their dads better than their moms... still always daddy's little girl, no matter how old they are. It really doesn't matter in the long run though, because she will be more easily accessible at 4 hours away. Hugs to you! XXX 
**** Love is the great work - though every heart is first an apprentice. - Hafiz
Set a high value on spontaneous kindness. - Samuel Johnson****
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| ThymeForEweFarm |
Posted - Aug 22 2005 : 10:49:13 AM
There. I made it through this time and didn't cry. It took four tries.
I put Kristin on the plane before sunrise this morning. She is coming home for good in December. Once she started talking to her dad the dam burst and she had a lot to say. They talked for an hour. She started telling friends over the weekend that she'll be home in December. I am cautiously happy. She told us nine days before she was supposed to move home last December that she was coming for Christmas but not moving home. When she pulls into the driveway with her car loaded down and needs help finding an apartment I will believe that she really is coming home for good. She won't be here for long then. She'll most likely be four hours away but that's ok. She's 30 hours by car now so four is going to seem incredibly close.
Robin
www.thymeforewe.com |
| TwoWildflowers |
Posted - Aug 22 2005 : 08:08:51 AM
Dearest Cat—I could feel you pain in so many ways as I read you note. One thing I have learned from my past, you really have 2 chances to have a wonderful mother-daughter relationship. You might be lucky to experience it the first time as a daughter, or you might get the experience only as a mother. I knew I wanted to have it at least once in my life. Maybe this is the reason I started this topic, I had this opportunity as a mother. Not all things you learn from you mother you repeat, some you learn so you don’t repeat them!
I know any loss require the 5 steps of grief. I will step up to them and move on. I’m that kind of person, but I also allow myself the time to experience each so I can pass on to the next knowing I have finished the one before.
Laurel’s apartment is darling. Today she starts her new job, and a week from now her last year of college. She is going to have a wonderful year, and we are so proud and happy for her.
The last words my husband said last night as we were going to sleep was, “the house seems so empty.”
It will be years until she understands this feeling…I will print out these pages and save them for her to read when that day comes.
Hugs to all of you,
Kathleen
Friends are my flowers in the garden of life |
| CityCat |
Posted - Aug 21 2005 : 2:57:39 PM
I moved away from home. I wasn't a bad kid (never did drugs, never hung out with the bad crowd, didn't drink) and I was a straight A student, but I pushed the limits as much as I could. I didn't understand why I HAD to be home straight away after school. I couldn't understand why my Mom disapproved of my after-school activities like drama club, photography club, the school magazine. There were some family issues (my Dad had a stroke when I was 13, and went on disability then early retirement: We became poor), my Mom went back to work and I was burdened with things no child should ever know about your parents (My Mom wanting out; my Dad contemplating suicide). I rebelled by not going home. I went to friends' houses; I stayed at school. I never wanted to go home to a house where my Dad was suddenly home all the time; a frustrated Mom; a sad sister who had no idea what was going on. My Mom and I constantly had fights about everything and anything. Though she wouldn't admit it, she would sometimes pick a fight I couldn't win. She would deny ever having said something even if I had my Dad and sister as witnesses! And guilt trips were awful and painful. She also perfected the silent treatment. I know now she was frustrated with the home situation, and was trying to have a measure of control on something within her grasp. I don't think menopause helped either. Not that I'm blaming menopause, but it did happen at a very bad time family wise. I also didn't help the situation by being abbrasive, prickly and a smart-ass. I've finally learned to think before speaking, but I was a mouthy smart-aleck teenager, defending myself against what I preceived as a full-frontal attack. My poor, poor Dad... He learned to hide well....
In any case, all I wanted was OUT! I was supposed to stay at home and go to the University of Toronto like everyone else in my family. I held my ground, and went away. Not far, far away, but enough away that I had to live in residence and they couldn't visit every day. The day that I moved out was one of the happiest of my life at that point. My sister was extremely miserable and resentful of me. I got out of a bad situation, and now everything landed on her. I regret it now, but we've talked, and she understands why I had to leave. And really, my Mom treated my sister better. She didn't get hassled about after school activities, she got some flexibility in her curfew: my Mom basically backed off.
Eventually, Mom and I started to talk. We've never discussed the high school years. I'd like to think she's sorry about what she put me through, and I think it's there, behind all that times we've talked. Love isn't something openly discussed in my family. It's an awkward emotion. No hugging, no kisses. I've had to see it between the lines, hidden in home cooked meals and holiday cards. When my sister left home to spend 3 years in Japan, my Mom would call me to chat. We had real conversations. Not the glossy, "How's the weather" type things, but discussions about life, death, medicine, news, whatever. It took both me and my sister to move away for my Mom to finally reach out to us instead of holding us away at arms length. I think I can finally say that I know my Mom. We're close now, and really, that's all that matters.
Cat |
| ByHzGrace |
Posted - Aug 21 2005 : 09:34:01 AM
When talking about packing up and clearing a closet it got me to wondering:
Do y'all leave the room and their things be as is?
Any movin over to fill the vacancy?
Is it an emotional release to clean out and touch all the memories?
Do y'all feel it's more symbolic to the transition they are making or the one we be on?
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| ByHzGrace |
Posted - Aug 21 2005 : 09:28:53 AM
Bayoubunch Lori
My prayers uphold your boys.
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| ByHzGrace |
Posted - Aug 21 2005 : 09:12:07 AM
My baby left this year too.
When my oldest left my sister gave me the sheet music from "lettingGo"
my emotions hide out in pickin and pluckin and plinckin
While trying to find the CD "ACES" that it is on...hey looked what popped up?
NEW! Kathy and Judy present their annual sobfest and group therapy session for parents sending their children off to college, The Letting Go Show.WGNradio (8/19/05) Part 1 (14:15) | Part 2 (11:25)
http://www.wgnradio.com/shows/kathy_judy/audio/index.htm
[link to the Suzy Bogguss Aces CD featuring the song "Letting Go"]
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/B00006I0CA/103-0041122-8923044?v=glance
I used real player and gobs more hankies to listen.
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| showmemom |
Posted - Aug 20 2005 : 07:28:03 AM
hey robin-
darlin', give yourself a break! you can be both happy and sad at the same time-it's this change thing that gets all of us. It sounds like you raised your daughter to be sound; spirit, soul and body and she's strong enough to walk on her own path now-that means you guys did a great job as parents.
so you can add proud to the happy/sad thing. you've raised a strong, smart, independent woman-what a role model for the rest of us you are!!
do something nice for yourself-you deserve it!
talk to you soon.
karen
Laughter is the sun that drives winter from the human face.
Victor Hugo |
| ThymeForEweFarm |
Posted - Aug 20 2005 : 04:32:14 AM
its so hard to say goodbye
Current mood: sentimental
My whole life is surrounding me in brown boxes. With sharpie markings.
I get this far and have to stop. I've tried to read this several times. I will read it next week when I am alone and call cry my eyes out in privacy. My daughter is leaving again in 46 hours. It's all I can do to not cry. If I hear her tell someone that she misses her friends and life in Minnesota one more time I'll be tempted to scream, "But don't you miss US?" I won't, but it will be hard not to. I want to take her friends aside here and beg them to convince her to come home for good. I want to know my grandchildren. If she'd just move closer....... In a year or two I'll be in a financial position to jump on a plane to visit for a few days whenever the idea comes to mind. That will make it a lot easier. I do understand why she loves Rochester. It's a nice place to live. There's nothing out here in the woods for her. She was born a city kid and she'll never again live far from a city. She has always missed everything a city has to offer. One day she'll have a house in the country with acreage for a couple of horses, but she'll always be right outside the city limits.
At the same time that I want my daughter closer, I do look forward to the day that it's just me and Steve. We were a ready-made family. We have never been only a couple. He's my best friend. It's only six all too quickly passing years away. I hope our youngest will not want to be so far away. She's so independent and strong already that I can easily picture her half a world away.
I should be happy. My oldest is strong, independent, happy and healthy. She has what every mother wants for her child. I wish she were closer though.
Robin
www.thymeforewe.com |
| bramble |
Posted - Aug 19 2005 : 10:13:45 PM
Now that I have stopped tearing up, I want to say to Kathleen that ofcourse they know how much you love them but it won't be until they hold their own child that they will have the enlightenment to understand the pure, true, amazing and all encompassing love you feel for them. I knew it the minute they put that impatient wiggling pink baby boy in my arms that there was NOTHING I wouldn't do for him and my husband said the same thing.
This is a conversation overheard this week at my house:
(3 12 yr olds discussing what they could watch on tv for a sleepover)
Z: I want to watch (X) but my parents say NO!
R: MY parents won't let me watch it either!
N: My mother said it was inappropriate. She's a pain. A's Mom let's him watch anything he wants!He's lucky, his parents don't care!
Z: MY parents are too protective, they love me too much!
R & N: Mumbling and agreeing and then suddenly.."you know A's Mom is never home and he never gets to go anywhere unless he comes with us.He isn't all THAT lucky..."
Never doubt that they know you love them, even if we are overprotective and worry too much. It's part of the job description they forgot to tell us about! I hope your ride home was full of good memories and mostly feelings of being proud of your girl and her new
phase of maturing. Her journal was so honest and aware, you've done a great job; you've given her roots and wings.And sense enough to be apprehensive of all the changes to come! A big hug to you both!
with a happy heart |
| quiltedess |
Posted - Aug 19 2005 : 9:23:14 PM
Lydia: There's nothing wrong with you! It is definately harder for some than for others. I know that my mom didn't cry when I went to school or when my parents dropped my off for my first year of college. We were all pretty fine with it and it didn't have anything to do with how much we loved each other or if we got along well enough. I think in a way it has to do with individual personalities. I felt confident and pretty independent and not worried. That's a good thing too. The funny thing is that now that my kids are grown, I seem to miss them more when they leave. When they were younger I was happy to get a "break".
Nancy |
| Lydia |
Posted - Aug 19 2005 : 1:47:51 PM
Maybe there's something wrong with me but...
I've never cried when my daughters went off to their first day of school, not even Kindergarten. I love them so much, but I also look forward to a time when my husband and I can just be alone together and have a conversation without having to constantly shift our focus to the girls. Motherhood is a very difficult, complex thing and has been a hard road for me to travel. I am a mother but I am also so much more and sometimes I feel like motherhood swallows up anything else I am interested in or profession I have. I feel like it can even swallow up any personal relationships we moms try to have.
I just moved away from my mom two weeks ago and I feel that it has been very liberating for the both of us.
Lydia
"Life is a daring adventure, or nothing" - Helen Keller |
| MeadowLark |
Posted - Aug 19 2005 : 12:25:26 PM
Wow Melissa, Now your story is making me cry...Powerful stuff here...better bring a whole box of Kleenex to my desk when I am on this topic.
Being is what it is. Jean Paul Sartre |
| sqrl |
Posted - Aug 19 2005 : 12:19:25 PM
Well I think I should write something since I am the daughter who moved away. About 6 years ago I got married and two weeks later moved 3000 miles away to cali. from PA. It completely broke my Mom's heart. I'll never forget driving away with all my stuff packed up in my husbands 68 suburdan and looking back at my Mom and Gramdmom standing on the driveway waving goodbye trying to hold back their tears. It makes me cry now writting this. I wonder what it was like for them going back into the house after I left, I wonder how did it feel. I cried and cried when I left, it was very hard, we were very close ( and still are, I have called every Sunday since I left). But something was driving me to cali. something I had to do, no way around it, it's part of MY story. It was the hardest thing I've done so far and the best. But I have to say there isn't a day that I don't want to go back, I miss my home, not the house but the east coast, my home land that I grew up on. I still yearn to be there, eventhough I've seen most of this beautiful country, the northern east coast is what is calling me, so I know one day I'll be closer to my family again and my children will know my family. I is my dream to see my daughter sit on my grandmom's lap, I'm afarid I'll miss this chance, but it will happen if it's supposed to. Now convincing my Mom that I will be closer one day is another story. She has a really hard time letting go, my Grandmom(my other mom) is a little better with it becasue she left her whole family in Germany and understands a little better that life just makes ya do things sometimes, that you just can't change. I wish for my Mom to trust me when I say i'll be closer. She's getting better and I think it's better that she cares so much than to not at all. It just makes me sad when she is sad. I can't image having a baby and watching her grow and then letting her leave the nest.
Blessed Be
www.sqrlbee.com/artisan
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| lareyna |
Posted - Aug 19 2005 : 12:18:55 PM
Well, now I'm crying. I remember very well how hard that was, my daughters are all in their 30's now, with kids of their own. One lives in Idaho, the other two are about an hour away. |
| TwoWildflowers |
Posted - Aug 19 2005 : 09:41:48 AM
Morning....
Laurel just called upstair to me as I was reading all your kind words..."are you ready to go mom?"...I said, "just a minute, and did you eat breakfast?"....but with tears running down my face I want to say, "NO...I will never be ready." But I will log off, wipe my tears, put on a happy face for her and get in the car filled with her things and drive away...
Gosh I love my kids...will they ever know how much?
Kathleen
Friends are my flowers in the garden of life |
| Kim |
Posted - Aug 19 2005 : 05:50:13 AM
Welcome Diane,
I grew up in Miller Beach!
farmgirl@heart
Be at peace with yourself and the rest will follow |
| FloralSaucer |
Posted - Aug 19 2005 : 05:39:20 AM
When I was 21 I was married with three step-children. I have to keep reminding myself of that. My son is going to uni next year, he is going to be 5 hours away by car. He will be not even 18, but so far I think it will be fine. |
| DRobert831 |
Posted - Aug 18 2005 : 8:04:12 PM
Isn't it ironic that I just got off the phone with my 2 teenaged sons who are away with friends for their first vacation on their own. Also ironic that they have been homeschooled for about 8 years, the oldest starting at Purdue University this past summer, the younger, still homeschooled as a junior this year. Ironic in that they would have been on both computers and I wouldn't have followed up on the Chicago Tribune story about Mary Jane's Farm and found this very pertinent and supportive web thread about empty nesters...So, just to let you know, they still leave home even when they have been homeschooled. And I would never give up the time we shared over learning together at home, even though it took away from my time at work, with friends, and on my own. And this next phase is scaring me to death, but I am so very excited to see my boys venture out into this amazing world with me still at their side, albeit at great distances from time to time. I wish you all, and me, the best of luck on our own adventures as empty nesters. |
| quilt8305 |
Posted - Aug 18 2005 : 7:24:39 PM
Oh boy, sounds like this touched a nerve with a lot of us. I began letting go of my youngest son when I dropped him off for the first day of preschool and before I could get out of my side of the car he had hopped out and run down the walk to preschool. I realized right then that he was was his own little person (now a grown one) and he has made his own choices since then with not too much input from his parents, thankfully mostly great ones. I like to think we were responsible for his self reliance but I don't think we can take the credit. But, boy did I weep when he ran down that walk........
Mary
The great use of life is to spend it for something that will outlast it. Wm. James |
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