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Family Matters:  Empty Nest  |
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TwoWildflowers
Farmgirl in Training
25 Posts
Kathleen
Penn Valley
Ca
USA
25 Posts |
 Posted - Aug 17 2005 : 11:04:16 PM
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Today is Wednesday, my daughter moves out starting Friday and I am sad. Today we sat out on the porch and chatted while the sun warmed us up...and I kept thinking how much I am going to miss these morning moments with my daughter. Latter I went into her room that is piled with boxes, bags and trash...and I remembered the day I brought her home to that very room that was then her nursery. The last time I saw her closet so empty was 21 years ago when it was waiting to be filled with cute little baby girl things! She is a senior in college now, and has driven to college about 150 miles round trip, 2-3 days a week, but we always said her senior year it would be good to be closer to campus (and with gas near $3 it is even a better idea!). Laurel is excited and scared. We talked about living alone today and how you get to really know yourself when you do that. I shared with her about my first year living alone...the year after I graduated from college and started teaching. I remembered how being poor made me think and budget, which were excellent skills for a female to master! I also remember how excited I was to get "my own place" before the reality of responsibility came home to me...like no mom to wash and fold my clothes and put them in my room for me.
I have heard it said we parents have the responsibility of teaching our kids to be adults and move on with their lives. I agree, but it still makes me sad to close this hands on mothering chapter of my life.
Lucky for me I have a grandbaby girl and another one coming this November, but these are my son's girls, and sons don't return home or call as often as daughters. But when the hands on mothering chapter ends, the being a "bam ma" chapter begins.
I just needed to talk about this tonight...thanks for reading.
Friends are my flowers in the garden of life |
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quiltedess
True Blue Farmgirl
296 Posts
Nancy
Priest River
ID
USA
296 Posts |
Posted - Aug 18 2005 : 02:39:26 AM
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Kathleen:
From one who "survived", I have to say that it may be true that my daughter and I talk almost as much now as we did when she lived here. And she lives in Kentucky and I live in Washington. Nevertheless, she is coming back home to live while her husband is away in Iraq. Then it will be hard all over again when she leaves. :-) We each have phone service that includes long-distance at no extra charge. Plus we have email which is great for pictures and such. The mothering ever ends and you and your daughter are already off to a fantastic start.
Nancy |
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ThymeForEweFarm
True Blue Farmgirl
705 Posts
Robin
An organic farm in the forest in
Maine
USA
705 Posts |
Posted - Aug 18 2005 : 04:02:55 AM
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My oldest turns 21 today. I live in Maine, she's in Minnesota. She's home to visit and sleeping in her room right now. I realized yesterday that she isn't coming home for good at the end of this semester. She will stay in Minnesota, find a nursing school there, and go to work at Mayo clinic when she has her nursing degree. She hasn't said it in those words but after 21 years you know what your child is saying when you hear what she's not saying.
Nancy, how often do you see your daughter? I see mine twice a year because I go out there once and she comes here once. It's so little. She's happy, healthy, loves Rochester and her friends, and I am thankful that she's doing so well. Still, it stings to know she wants to be so far away.
Robin
www.thymeforewe.com |
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greyghost
True Blue Farmgirl
650 Posts
Lynn
Summerville
Georgia
USA
650 Posts |
Posted - Aug 18 2005 : 06:32:05 AM
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I just moved away from the state my parents are in because I never felt I belonged in Florida. It wasn't that I wanted to be away from family - I just have always felt an almost tangible pull toward N. GA my entire life. Every time we drove through it twice a year on our way to or from Illinois I felt like I was leaving home, even though I had never lived there!
The area my parents are living in is getting built up and very expensive - I know they will be looking to move soon and I hope they move near here, even though my mom hates cold weather and says even the winters in Central Florida are too cold for her! I know my dad would love it. |
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Clare
True Blue Farmgirl
2173 Posts
NC WA State
USA
2173 Posts |
Posted - Aug 18 2005 : 07:01:03 AM
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My daughter and I had a rough 1.5-2 years before she left home. Very tumulutous time with me learning some big lessons about letting go, and not to compare, and all sorts of things. We were never not talking, but it was hard to accept some of her choices. When she did leave home it was at 19 to go to Air Force basic training in San Antonio. (This was one of her better choices then). Boy howdy, talk about major worry over how she'd get through that. It was difficult for her but she excelled in the end. From there she moved to Oklahoma and Arkansas and Virginia, all a continent away from me. I managed to visit about every 6 months, which wasn't enough but all that I could afford. I learned about email and instant messenger and those things helped us stay in touch along with weekly phone calls. We've always been close, so distance is a hard factor to deal with.
Now that she lives much closer - a 3 hour drive away - we try to see each other every month or two... but gas prices are sort of putting a crunch on that too. Grandkids do help take the sting out of the situation and I've developed really close relationships with them too. My daughter did mention something to me the other day that really disturbed me. She enjoys large gathering of friends and such. I prefer family time when I'm there. She vented to me that she wished we were better friends and that I wanted to do things with her and her friends. I was rather shocked by that because I thought we were great friends in a mother/daughter sort of way. I guess she was wanting a mom who hung out more. We do have our cultural differences. For even though she visited the farm alot while growing up, I did grow up there and it has greatly influenced me in all sorts of social and cultural ways. Quiet time is really high on my list of priorites. Perhaps she will reach that point eventually too. Afterall, life is a progression of growth and events. What applies in our 20's certainly is not of much relevance in our 50's.
I empathaze with you all. Letting our kids go to move on to their next phases is a huge growth experience for us too. I just try to focus on sending them light and love and protection for their journey.
**** Love is the great work - though every heart is first an apprentice. - Hafiz
Set a high value on spontaneous kindness. - Samuel Johnson****
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Edited by - Clare on Aug 18 2005 08:33:18 AM |
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showmemom
True Blue Farmgirl
166 Posts
karen
carthage
mo
USA
166 Posts |
Posted - Aug 18 2005 : 07:11:55 AM
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i drove my 12 yr. old to her first day of school this am. this is her first year in the junior high school-7th grade-and it's so BIG! her little elementary school only had about 200 kids total-the jr. high has 960 kids plus staff!
i did fine until she stepped out of the car-jeez-it's hard to let them venture out there. i can't imagine how i'll feel to send her off to college.
even though i've got 3 older kids and have done some of this before, i'm really weepy this am! isn't that silly?
karen
Laughter is the sun that drives winter from the human face.
Victor Hugo |
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bramble
True Blue Farmgirl
2044 Posts
2044 Posts |
Posted - Aug 18 2005 : 07:18:50 AM
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Kathleen--- I can only guess at how you are feeling as my son is only 12, but I know from every age we give up a little of what we do for them for what they are becoming. It's like our job description is constantly changing but the title is always "Mom". It sounds like you have raised a smart, and savvy girl who knows what she wants and plans for it. Yes , there will be bumps along the road but that's part of becoming a responsible, mature person. You can't do everything for them!I have a neighbor who is in her 30's has two children, 6 and 10 and does not do anything without calling her mother!She doesn't work and her mother does her laundry ALL THE TIME! Give me a break! There is something to be said for being a self reliant person and my Mother taught me that! I miss my Mom every day but I wish she was here not for what she could do for me but what I could now do for her.
with a happy heart |
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TwoWildflowers
Farmgirl in Training
25 Posts
Kathleen
Penn Valley
Ca
USA
25 Posts |
Posted - Aug 18 2005 : 08:17:31 AM
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Good Morning!
Thank you for your kind words. It is so nice to know I am not alone and each of your stories brought a tear to my eye. I kept thinking as I read your stories how life keeps us "growoing up" even though we are adults.
Last night as I fell asleep my last thought was "only a couple of more nights will I know Laurel is secure in her room and own bed under our roof" then sleep came, so I am dealing.
I was encouraged by how you and your daughters have kept the communication open. I think that will be a fun new experience, since I believe writing things forces us to think a little more about what we say than talking which comes easy.
She is still sleeping, I will go peek at her just to see that sweet face in dreamland.
Kathleen
Friends are my flowers in the garden of life |
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TwoWildflowers
Farmgirl in Training
25 Posts
Kathleen
Penn Valley
Ca
USA
25 Posts |
Posted - Aug 18 2005 : 08:44:35 AM
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I'm not alone with my feelings. This is my daughter's postings to her blog.... Just a little trip down memory lane of what being 21 is like and what it is like to leave home.
Kathleen
its so hard to say goodbye
Current mood: sentimental
My whole life is surrounding me in brown boxes. With sharpie markings.
I've spent the last 3 hours swimming through old memories. Trying to predict new ones, and wishing the good ones come true. Why is it we always try and predict our lives, and then get upset when it's not what we thought it would be? All the good and bad, happy and hard times are either going with me, or are in a big black trash bag outside my bedroom door.
Why is it that the hardest thing to do is say goodbye and start over again? I have to say goodbye to the everyday, and the people I see around. I wont be able to to freak out and see Brock in Safeway anymore, or friends from High School that I never talk to but when I run into them once a year.
I'm saying goodbye to security, and warmth. I'm saying goodbye to people I dont ever want to say goodbye to because I'm scared that this really is goodbye. That although we promise we'll call, and hang out... what if we don't? I'm saying goodbye to loved ones... to everything I've ever known.
Worst of all, I'm saying goodbye to the one person I know, and that's me.
So now I can stand outside my car, with boxes in the back, the door open, and the promise ring playing. If I get in and close the door, I'm really leaving, and that's it. Getting in the last step, so I'm locking myself in this final embrace of my past not sure I'm ready for the unpredictability of the future.
Friends are my flowers in the garden of life |
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jpbluesky
True Blue Farmgirl
6066 Posts
Jeannie
Florida
USA
6066 Posts |
Posted - Aug 18 2005 : 08:46:50 AM
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Kathleen - Your post above made me cry.
I have an only daughter, so you can imagine how difficult it was (and still is) for me to let go. She's the best. She went to college in our hometown, so she was only a few minutes away when she moved out the first time. She still lives here in town (thank God) with a baby and a family, and still I find it hard to not be in touch with her at times! I guess it is never easy, no matter what the geography. The thing I found hard was that when she married, her husband became her first and foremost friend and confidant (and rightly so, I am thrilled about that) but I miss her having long talks with me. She would sometimes call me at midnight from her dorm! So I miss her emotionally, even though she is with me in the same city. How bad is that?
I make great efforts not to be intrusive. I am just so happy she is happy and living here in town! Who knew being a mom would be so wonderful and tremulous at the same time?
jpbluesky
heartland girl |
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katie-ell
True Blue Farmgirl
1818 Posts
Katie
Illinois
1818 Posts |
Posted - Aug 18 2005 : 08:59:26 AM
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| Yesterday our only child drove off to Colorado from Illinois, driving the entire trip solo. He's excited to begin his junior year and to move into his own apartment off-campus. I wish I could be there to help him set up, but that is impossible financially and -- more importantly -- not something he wants. He does want us to come out to visit once he's settled in, and we look forward to that . . . It feels like this summer may have been the last one he spends with us at home. I remember well how I relished my independence and my own first apartment . . . the satisfaction of doing things for myself and by myself and setting up my own place, my own space . . . and I want the same for him -- independence, with all of its learning and loneliness and satisfaction. I actually had more trouble with my emotions when he began preschool than when he left yesterday -- it's true, they do leave us in degrees -- all of the school years are made up of small moments of leaving home. |
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therusticcottage
True Blue Farmgirl
4439 Posts
Kay
Vancouver
WA
USA
4439 Posts |
Posted - Aug 18 2005 : 12:00:32 PM
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From the time we bring our babies home, the years just fly by. It seems like only yesterday that I was sending Missy (my 35 year old) to her first day of kindergarten. She moved out of my home when she was 18, with her baby boy (who is now almost 18) and I thought I was going to die. I moved her to her apartment then came back home, sat down in the room where they had been, and just cried my eyes out. It is one of the saddest moments of my life and one I'll never forget.
Now I have Stephanie who is 11 1/2 and starting middle school on August 31st. I take Steph to school the first day every year and every year I cry on the way home. This year is going to be different and is going to effect me more than usual. There is just something about the fact that she's not in elementary school anymore.
Karen -- I don't think it is silly at all to be weepy about taking your daughter to her first day of middle school. I'm weepy just thinking about taking mine and I still have 2 weeks to go before the day arrives.
"If you are lucky enough to have a garden, you are lucky enough!" |
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bramble
True Blue Farmgirl
2044 Posts
2044 Posts |
Posted - Aug 18 2005 : 12:45:34 PM
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Karen and Kay-- Middle school began for us last year (6th grade) and I felt like it was the first day of kindergarten! I wore my big dark sunglasses incase I got weepy ( I am very mushy!) and watched my son go down the path that led to his first day of middle school. He was a little nervous, I think I was just scared! I wiped away those tears (drat!) and went about the rest of my day. No phone calls with impending disaster, no floods, famine or pestilence. At three o'clock he came bouncing out of the school and introduced me to three "new friends" along with the old crew. I figured this was a good start and the rest of the year had a few bumps (and broken bones!) but no major disasters!My wish for your children is the same w/o the broken bones!
We have had a first day of school dinner every year since kindergarten because when he had just turned five he started and told us he wasn't sure he was going to like school. So, we told him he could have a special dinner and pick everything he liked so that way if the day was bad atleast he had us and the dinner to look forward to!The dinners have become tradition (but so far) we haven't needed them as a diversionary tactic!
My thoughts are with all of you as we let our chicks stretch their wings and flap or fly. Being a Mom is the best and hardest thing in the world.
with a happy heart |
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showmemom
True Blue Farmgirl
166 Posts
karen
carthage
mo
USA
166 Posts |
Posted - Aug 18 2005 : 3:04:13 PM
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well girls-she came home from the first day of school asking if homeschool is a real possibility! everything in me wants to say "yes, go to your room and don't come out until you're 40!" but instead i just hugged her and said tomorrow will be better.
did tell her that if in 1 month she still feels this way, we'll seriously explore the homeschool angle.
so she seems better and i'm relieved to get my hands on her-and lorij, i feel so bad that i whined about sending my child 10 miles away while you've sent yours thousands of miles away. Thank you for sharing-it reminds me that all our lives are relative, aren't they?
and lorij-thank you for your family's sacrifice and service for all of us. I know that this cannot be an easy time and i truly appreciate what you've given up.
going to cook some dinner for our girl (starting a new tradition!)
talk to you soon.
karen
Laughter is the sun that drives winter from the human face.
Victor Hugo |
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westernhorse51
True Blue Farmgirl
1681 Posts
michele
farmingdale
n.j.
USA
1681 Posts |
Posted - Aug 18 2005 : 6:12:21 PM
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Kathleen, you brought tears to my eyes when I read your post. You'll always be her mom. My daughter is 14 & I cant even begin to think about her leaving home although I know it will come. She has you to look up too. Im sorry for your sadness that I can understand totally. Michele
she selects wool and flax and works with eager hands Prov.31:13 |
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MeadowLark
True Blue Farmgirl
2206 Posts
USA
2206 Posts |
Posted - Aug 18 2005 : 6:18:37 PM
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I just read your daughter's blog Kathleen and I am crying too. My daughter is 22 and I am facing this also...this is almost too painful to discuss. I admire those mothers here that are sharing these feelings and soul stirrings about their daughters. I am grappling with so much with my oldest...all of my sisters wisdom and wise words and truth are a comfort. It hurts so much at times.
Being is what it is. Jean Paul Sartre |
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quilt8305
True Blue Farmgirl
409 Posts
Mary
Spokane
WA
USA
409 Posts |
Posted - Aug 18 2005 : 7:24:39 PM
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Oh boy, sounds like this touched a nerve with a lot of us. I began letting go of my youngest son when I dropped him off for the first day of preschool and before I could get out of my side of the car he had hopped out and run down the walk to preschool. I realized right then that he was was his own little person (now a grown one) and he has made his own choices since then with not too much input from his parents, thankfully mostly great ones. I like to think we were responsible for his self reliance but I don't think we can take the credit. But, boy did I weep when he ran down that walk........
Mary
The great use of life is to spend it for something that will outlast it. Wm. James |
Edited by - quilt8305 on Aug 18 2005 8:13:55 PM |
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DRobert831
Farmgirl at Heart
1 Posts
Diane
Munster
IN
USA
1 Posts |
Posted - Aug 18 2005 : 8:04:12 PM
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| Isn't it ironic that I just got off the phone with my 2 teenaged sons who are away with friends for their first vacation on their own. Also ironic that they have been homeschooled for about 8 years, the oldest starting at Purdue University this past summer, the younger, still homeschooled as a junior this year. Ironic in that they would have been on both computers and I wouldn't have followed up on the Chicago Tribune story about Mary Jane's Farm and found this very pertinent and supportive web thread about empty nesters...So, just to let you know, they still leave home even when they have been homeschooled. And I would never give up the time we shared over learning together at home, even though it took away from my time at work, with friends, and on my own. And this next phase is scaring me to death, but I am so very excited to see my boys venture out into this amazing world with me still at their side, albeit at great distances from time to time. I wish you all, and me, the best of luck on our own adventures as empty nesters. |
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FloralSaucer
True Blue Farmgirl
156 Posts
Australia
156 Posts |
Posted - Aug 19 2005 : 05:39:20 AM
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| When I was 21 I was married with three step-children. I have to keep reminding myself of that. My son is going to uni next year, he is going to be 5 hours away by car. He will be not even 18, but so far I think it will be fine. |
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Kim
True Blue Farmgirl
146 Posts
Kim
Pflugerville
Texas
USA
146 Posts |
Posted - Aug 19 2005 : 05:50:13 AM
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Welcome Diane,
I grew up in Miller Beach!
farmgirl@heart
Be at peace with yourself and the rest will follow |
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TwoWildflowers
Farmgirl in Training
25 Posts
Kathleen
Penn Valley
Ca
USA
25 Posts |
Posted - Aug 19 2005 : 09:41:48 AM
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Morning....
Laurel just called upstair to me as I was reading all your kind words..."are you ready to go mom?"...I said, "just a minute, and did you eat breakfast?"....but with tears running down my face I want to say, "NO...I will never be ready." But I will log off, wipe my tears, put on a happy face for her and get in the car filled with her things and drive away...
Gosh I love my kids...will they ever know how much?
Kathleen
Friends are my flowers in the garden of life |
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lareyna
True Blue Farmgirl
242 Posts
Arlene
Valley Ford
Ca
USA
242 Posts |
Posted - Aug 19 2005 : 12:18:55 PM
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| Well, now I'm crying. I remember very well how hard that was, my daughters are all in their 30's now, with kids of their own. One lives in Idaho, the other two are about an hour away. |
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sqrl
True Blue Farmgirl
605 Posts
Melissa
Northern California
USA
605 Posts |
Posted - Aug 19 2005 : 12:19:25 PM
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Well I think I should write something since I am the daughter who moved away. About 6 years ago I got married and two weeks later moved 3000 miles away to cali. from PA. It completely broke my Mom's heart. I'll never forget driving away with all my stuff packed up in my husbands 68 suburdan and looking back at my Mom and Gramdmom standing on the driveway waving goodbye trying to hold back their tears. It makes me cry now writting this. I wonder what it was like for them going back into the house after I left, I wonder how did it feel. I cried and cried when I left, it was very hard, we were very close ( and still are, I have called every Sunday since I left). But something was driving me to cali. something I had to do, no way around it, it's part of MY story. It was the hardest thing I've done so far and the best. But I have to say there isn't a day that I don't want to go back, I miss my home, not the house but the east coast, my home land that I grew up on. I still yearn to be there, eventhough I've seen most of this beautiful country, the northern east coast is what is calling me, so I know one day I'll be closer to my family again and my children will know my family. I is my dream to see my daughter sit on my grandmom's lap, I'm afarid I'll miss this chance, but it will happen if it's supposed to. Now convincing my Mom that I will be closer one day is another story. She has a really hard time letting go, my Grandmom(my other mom) is a little better with it becasue she left her whole family in Germany and understands a little better that life just makes ya do things sometimes, that you just can't change. I wish for my Mom to trust me when I say i'll be closer. She's getting better and I think it's better that she cares so much than to not at all. It just makes me sad when she is sad. I can't image having a baby and watching her grow and then letting her leave the nest.
Blessed Be
www.sqrlbee.com/artisan
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MeadowLark
True Blue Farmgirl
2206 Posts
USA
2206 Posts |
Posted - Aug 19 2005 : 12:25:26 PM
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Wow Melissa, Now your story is making me cry...Powerful stuff here...better bring a whole box of Kleenex to my desk when I am on this topic.
Being is what it is. Jean Paul Sartre |
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Lydia
Farmgirl in Training
15 Posts
Seattle
WA
USA
15 Posts |
Posted - Aug 19 2005 : 1:47:51 PM
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Maybe there's something wrong with me but...
I've never cried when my daughters went off to their first day of school, not even Kindergarten. I love them so much, but I also look forward to a time when my husband and I can just be alone together and have a conversation without having to constantly shift our focus to the girls. Motherhood is a very difficult, complex thing and has been a hard road for me to travel. I am a mother but I am also so much more and sometimes I feel like motherhood swallows up anything else I am interested in or profession I have. I feel like it can even swallow up any personal relationships we moms try to have.
I just moved away from my mom two weeks ago and I feel that it has been very liberating for the both of us.
Lydia
"Life is a daring adventure, or nothing" - Helen Keller |
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quiltedess
True Blue Farmgirl
296 Posts
Nancy
Priest River
ID
USA
296 Posts |
Posted - Aug 19 2005 : 9:23:14 PM
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Lydia: There's nothing wrong with you! It is definately harder for some than for others. I know that my mom didn't cry when I went to school or when my parents dropped my off for my first year of college. We were all pretty fine with it and it didn't have anything to do with how much we loved each other or if we got along well enough. I think in a way it has to do with individual personalities. I felt confident and pretty independent and not worried. That's a good thing too. The funny thing is that now that my kids are grown, I seem to miss them more when they leave. When they were younger I was happy to get a "break".
Nancy |
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Family Matters: Empty Nest |
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Empty Nest
