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Family Matters:  Moving my father-in-law out of his house  |
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ivmeer
True Blue Farmgirl
409 Posts
Amanda
Pawtucket
RI
USA
409 Posts |
 Posted - Aug 24 2005 : 11:25:51 AM
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I need some sympathy, big time. This last weekend, my husband of 2 months and I went to visit his father in Rhode Island. His father is only 58, but he's not well. He has severe arthritis and has to walk with a cane. He can't work and uses an adaptable shower chair and toilet.
He's been living in a house that is in disrepair and gets worse and worse. Luckily, the damage to the house is mostly cosmetic. It needs some paint and plaster, new cabinets, refinished floors and a new deck needs to be built in the backyard. Meanwhile, father in law is finding it more and more difficult to walk the stairs and has neither the money nor the energy to properly maintain the house and cook and clean (he's been rapidly losing weight and he mentioned eating nothing but spaghetti for a week). He's not working, is not on disability (but should be). Is not receiving medicaid (but should be).
To make things worse, my husband's father is a terrible packrat and hasn't even gotten rid of his wife's things yet (his wife, my husband's mom, died 8 years ago). There's a whole lot of stuff in the house that needs to be sorted through, sold, thrown away, or donated.
While we were visiting, he suggested selling the house and giving the equity to us for our first home (we're currently in an apartment) and moving to Chicago and having us put him up in an apartment down the street. I think this is a win-win situation, because we'd get the money from the house and we'd also get to keep a better eye on him, make sure he's taking care of himself and eating right, and he'd have a smaller place to take care of. I'm currently not working full time, so I'd be prepare to come in and cook and clean once or twice a week, and take him to doctor visits, social security office, grocery store, etc.
I suggested to my husband that I should fly to Rhode Island on a regular basis (about a 5 or 6 day stay every month, with my husband joining me at the weekends) to help him pack up his stuff and get the house ready to sell.
My husband doesn't want to talk about it. I know the whole subject is nerve-wracking to him, but I can't get him to even talk about it. Every time I bring it up, he says we'll talk about it later. When I ask when later will be, and can I make an appointment to talk about it, he's not interested. He's said he doesn't want me to do this, but can't tell me why. I think he's still upset about his mother's death and can't deal with being in the house. (Things went very smoothly with my father in law this last visit, but my husband cried on the train to the airport because it was so emotionally draining to him.
I know I'm taking on a gargantuan task, and I need some sympathy and confidence from some strong women, because I'm going to need all the strength I can get to get through this. |
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showmemom
True Blue Farmgirl
166 Posts
karen
carthage
mo
USA
166 Posts |
Posted - Aug 24 2005 : 12:09:45 PM
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hey amanda-
you're right-you're going to need all the encouragement and help you can get to get through this. but the good news is-there's lots of us to encourage you and pray for you and cheer you on!
this is a terribly difficult situation on everyone. you're right, it may be easier for you to help pack up the house and decide what to keep and what to toss if you're not quite as emotionally invested as your DH and FIL.
is your DH perhaps fearful for your safety while staying with your father in law? is there something there he doesn't want you either exposed to or to find?
If he is adamantly opposed to you doing this, whether he can give you a reason or not-i think you should honor that right now. i know from hard experience that sometimes my DH can't really verbalize something well but has enough discernement or "gut instinct" to protect me and if i listen (big if!) i'm usually not sorry.
i'm so sorry this has come into your newly married life. try to be kind to one another and to yourselves. let us know what's going on.
praying for strength for the journey for you.
talk to you soon.
karen
Laughter is the sun that drives winter from the human face.
Victor Hugo |
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bramble
True Blue Farmgirl
2044 Posts
2044 Posts |
Posted - Aug 24 2005 : 12:15:57 PM
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My first words to you are "Tread lightly". This is an overwhelmingly emotional thing for your husband to accept that his father is also going down hill as he realizes his father's and his own mortality.
Are there other siblings? Maybe all of you with your father in law could discuss some options to create a better living situation for him. It sounds like he might also be depressed which happens to alot of people who loose a spouse and are in poor health on their own.. A thorough clean out of the house and an appraisal would be a good idea to know what he has in terms of assets to accomodate his future living conditions and quality of life. Although his offer was generous, I would think that his needs must come first unless you are planning for him to live with you. I share this with you as I spent 4 1/2 years taking care of my Dad's changing needs and it was HARD. I had no help except my husband and son, who both resented my lack of time sometimes, and it was very draining. Family members always had an opinion but never showed up for the work. Again I caution, tread lightly; this can affect your relationship with your husband. Though it is sometimes easier to see what you think should be done, there are alot of emotions at play here that you just might not understand the complexity and depth of, and your husband (being like most men) may have a hard time articulating.This is not an easy thing to deal with ever.
with a happy heart |
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ivmeer
True Blue Farmgirl
409 Posts
Amanda
Pawtucket
RI
USA
409 Posts |
Posted - Aug 24 2005 : 12:56:54 PM
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I finally got my husband to talk about this. I mentioned having spoken to a realtor about what needs to be done. She's just sold the house of a family friend in the area. She understands that I've got no obligation to even sell the house, but she was very helpful with a few tips, and we've agreed to keep in touch.
Apparently, the thing that seems to worry my husband the most is that I (not an accumulator) will start rooting through and throwing out the stuff that my husband (major packrat) has stashed at his dad's house. I really want my husband to start getting his things out of his dad's place, because he is 26 and can't treat dad's home as his personal storage unit anymore. I have promised to start with his mom's and dad's stuff and not to touch his. I'll probably ask him to go through it himself.
Bramble, I know that Dad's needs come first. I promise you that I don't have dollar signs in my eyes. More than anything, the fact is that he doesn't need such a big house and can't really maintain it. It'd be better if he were in a 1 bedroom apartment close by where we could come by and make sure things are going well. I expect to see him at least twice a week after he moves here, and expect to be doing the majority of his cleaning and some of his cooking.
You're right when you say tread lightly. I'm a "take charge" person and I realize that this isn't entirely my situation to take charge of. My husband is an only child and only grandchild. I have gotten him to articulate that he agrees that moving his dad close by would actually be an easier thing than trying to deal with the situation long distance. My husband has been out of the house since he was 17. He started college at 17, moved to New York, and then moved to Chicago. This would be the first time his dad would be living in the same city as he does in 9 years.
Karen, no, there is no concern for my safety. I'm actually really good at dealing with my father-in-law, who previously had a domineering mother and a strong-willed wife. When I tell him to do something, he jokingly salutes me (he was in the service) says, "Yes ma'am" and does it. So apparently, my husband is not adamantly opposed to my doing this, but more not willing to deal with the emotional stress of this. We're also going to a therapist, so I'm going to discuss the matter with her, too. |
Edited by - ivmeer on Aug 24 2005 1:04:35 PM |
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bramble
True Blue Farmgirl
2044 Posts
2044 Posts |
Posted - Aug 24 2005 : 1:13:32 PM
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Amanda- I'm glad you are able to begin talking about it and the burden can be shared somewhat. Please know I didn't mean to imply anything other than that many people(other relatives in my case) think with a house sale there is a big slush fund they have access to, and the reality of long term care ( assisted living, nursing care ) is astronomical. I would never had an inkling how expensive until we were in that situation. That was all I was trying to say, be prepared for every eventuality if you can. I hope you and your husband keep talking and come to a solution that works for all three of you.
with a happy heart |
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therusticcottage
True Blue Farmgirl
4439 Posts
Kay
Vancouver
WA
USA
4439 Posts |
Posted - Aug 24 2005 : 1:51:18 PM
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Amanda -- I certainly feel for you right now, having to go through this at such a young age. This is usually something that happens to people much later in life. I personally feel that you are on the right track with what you are doing.
Perhaps your husband is just going through a denial period and it's just too painful for him to talk about right now. When I had to go through this with my dad I was devastated. I thought my dad would always be strong and be there for me. Then when I had to start taking on the parenting role it was horrible. Just give him a little time and some space. But thank God that you are a take charge person because that's what it takes to deal with a situation like this.
I will keep all of you in my thoughts and prayers. Please keep us updated on what's happening.
"If you are lucky enough to have a garden, you are lucky enough!" |
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greyghost
True Blue Farmgirl
650 Posts
Lynn
Summerville
Georgia
USA
650 Posts |
Posted - Aug 24 2005 : 6:17:16 PM
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Amanda, I know pretty well what you are going through.
My DH and I spent three weeks at my MIL's place - cleaning and sorting and trying to get the house ready to sell. We'd work from 7am to 1am or later. We were so tired, and it was so trying and draining. We got a little snippy with each other by the end which is very unlike us.
We too, are young, we've been married nearly 5 years now though. My MIL and DH are packrats, and I most certainly am not. The less the better, IMHO. MIL wouldn't help other than to order take-out (we did appreciate that) but it was so nerve-wracking trying to throw stuff away without her seeing it - because if she saw it, she'd want to keep it. We aren't talking family keepsakes or anything, we're talking little plastic Easter Bunnies and such.
It was SHOCKING some of the stuff I found while trying to sort through the whole mess, and hard to bite my tounge sometimes, but in the end we're all still speaking and she appreciated that she had so much less to have moved to her new condo close to my brother in law.
Yep, tread lightly. You'll do fine. |
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ivmeer
True Blue Farmgirl
409 Posts
Amanda
Pawtucket
RI
USA
409 Posts |
Posted - Aug 25 2005 : 1:59:49 PM
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| Lynn, this is very true. There are a lot of things that I have already thrown away without telling my father-in-law and husband, like unsigned greeting cards that have gotten all dirty and bent from being in a drawer for 10 years, disposable Chanukah menorahs and boxes of warped Chanukah candles (we already have really nice ones and don't need more). I've just been quietly throwing them away and not asking anyone whether they want them. I figure they'll never miss what they don't know is there, and I'm not going to argue with them over something we obviously don't need. |
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Family Matters: Moving my father-in-law out of his house |
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Moving my father-in-law out of his house
