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Family Matters:  Do you wanna dance, or not?  |
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dg7954
True Blue Farmgirl
129 Posts
Diane
Doylestown
pa
USA
129 Posts |
 Posted - Oct 05 2005 : 07:20:09 AM
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| I have always been the "neighborhood therapist" for all my friends and relatives. People always talk to me about their problems, and I try to give them good advice and support. In my own life, I have recently learned to identify dysfunction as, sort of, a separate entity. Instead of the details, I am just starting to see straight dysfunction as this whirl of negative energy that swirls around, trying to permeate everything and everyone. I have gotten used to recognizing it and just saying to myself, "Oh, this is dysfunction--Must Disengage." It has had a positive effect on me in another way. I have stopped judging the people caught in it. To me they are like little bugs stuck in a big web. It is not their fault that they sometimes cannot free themselves immediately. Sometimes it appears that people twist and turn trying to get unstuck from the web, and it leaves them weaker and stuck more than before. The more they wriggle to get free the worse it gets for them. But the idea is not to twist and turn, because when they make these movements, they are still PART OF THE WEB. This is my point. I have found that you cannot escape dysfunction by being part of it. Life is all about choices. If one is caught in a web of dysfunction, the only way to get free is not be part of the web anymore. Playing into any dyfunction will continue it, and the dance goes on. If I am around any dysfunction, I disengage myself from it, and chose a balanced, healthy choice. It is as simple as that. It is simply saying, "Stop. I will not dance with you." As soon as one extracts themselves from the dysfunction, they become an observer. They have clarity. This is so much better than following the old patterns of dysfunction, hoping to "fix it" at the end of the road. Dysfunction cannot be fixed. It can only be detenated. Even if you are all alone, surrounded by people who continue to dance with each other in a neverending downhill marathon, you can break free and watch the dance instead, just by saying, "No, I am done. My card is full. I will not dance with you anymore." You can make good, healthy, balanced choices around any number of people still trying to dance with you. Free will. You may get flack for seeming so happy and calm, all of a sudden. The dancers may try even harder to get you to box step with them. But, just decide you are sitting this one out. Better still, if you can, leave the building. Let the dance continue without you. You will be on a new path....one that allows you to feel calm, peaceful, and full of love again. You will learn there is a very different dance that exists....one that lifts you off the ground. |
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ThymeForEweFarm
True Blue Farmgirl
705 Posts
Robin
An organic farm in the forest in
Maine
USA
705 Posts |
Posted - Oct 05 2005 : 07:36:31 AM
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Diane, I sooooo needed to hear this message this morning. It reaffirms decisions that I made this morning. Thank you. Just when I thought my extended family could get past the negativity for a day they proved me wrong. I'm disappointed and I've had my cry. Then I did chores, pet my pig, took four dogs apple picking, and laughed at five bantam roosters. I am fine. I'm sitting out this dance. Everyone is invited to the occasion. Whether they come or not is out of my control. If B doesn't come because D is it's unfortunate that she chooses to miss out on a wonderful day. I will be here to greet everyone with a warm hug, a mug of cider and a terrific meal. The rest is up to them.
Robin
www.thymeforewe.com |
Edited by - ThymeForEweFarm on Oct 05 2005 12:04:58 PM |
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theherblady
True Blue Farmgirl
510 Posts
Jan
Glasford
Illinois
USA
510 Posts |
Posted - Oct 05 2005 : 07:54:41 AM
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Very sound advice Diane~~ I needed to hear this message too~~
My problem is..that my son is "holding the cards" so to speak...My grandkids to be specific...how does one seperate from the dance but keep the relationship in tact?
Jan |
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The Handmaiden
True Blue Farmgirl
214 Posts
Kim
Shreveport
Louisiana
USA
214 Posts |
Posted - Oct 05 2005 : 08:10:47 AM
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Diane, I'm very proud of you! This is a hard lesson to learn and you got it! The choice to detach in love is huge! And you are right about not making you popular with the other members dancing the dance. Don't take it personal. Knowing you have a choice is a very free feeling and so true...lifts those feet right off the floor! Enjoy your new dance!
blessings and hugs!
Kim
"Faith shall finish all that Hope begins."
joan walsh anglund |
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Clare
True Blue Farmgirl
2173 Posts
NC WA State
USA
2173 Posts |
Posted - Oct 05 2005 : 08:18:57 AM
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Well said, once again, Diane! I too have learned not to get involved and to be an observer. You're right, the calm and quiet and peace that engulfs you is amazing and other people (the dancers) resent it. But I am so much healthier for making this choice and I will not return to the worry and disfunctional route. I've even had a few people ask me about it, so the curious will slowly change and make better choices as well.
May the sun bring you new energy by day, may the moon softly restore you by night, may the rain wash away your worries, may the breeze blow new strength into your being, may you walk gently through the world and know its beauty all the days of your life. ~~Apache Blessing
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dg7954
True Blue Farmgirl
129 Posts
Diane
Doylestown
pa
USA
129 Posts |
Posted - Oct 05 2005 : 09:02:35 AM
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Dear Jan,
The secret to the separation is to first acknowledge the dysfunction. You have done that. All anyone can do is be a steady, sound vibration of love. You can disengage from the dysfunction and replace it with a invincible beacon of love, saying, "This will not work anymore. I am here if you want love and support to help you disengage as well, but if you are not ready to be free (a lot of people are addicted to the dysfunction. A good example of what happens is in the movie What the Bleep that Clare wrote a topic about) I'll help you when you are. My mother taught me that nothing short of murder or birth can be undone. This is very true. I am not saying that it will always be easy, but freedom is very expensive. We all know it is worth the price. If your grandson is holding the cards, let him have them. You are not playing the game anymore. Put down your cards, leave the table, tell him you love him, and to call you when the game is over. |
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theherblady
True Blue Farmgirl
510 Posts
Jan
Glasford
Illinois
USA
510 Posts |
Posted - Oct 05 2005 : 10:42:08 AM
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Diane~~ My problem is my Son...He is holding the cards and I have disengaged from him and his dance....
But--- The real issue, is my grandkids...I love them and need them in my life~~It seems, if I dont dance the dance, he decides to dis-own me which means ...I cant see the grands anymore..They range from 7-1 years old and I bite my tongue alot of times just to be able to see them...He recently told me I was no longer a mom or grandma anymore..Things have settled down a little~~But there is so much I want to say to him-I cant allow him to treat me with disrespect or to hold the grandkids ransom just because he doesnt get his way~~
What do you think?
Jan |
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sqrl
True Blue Farmgirl
605 Posts
Melissa
Northern California
USA
605 Posts |
Posted - Oct 05 2005 : 11:49:43 AM
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Well said Diane, my Mother-in-law always says "there are two things in life -- choices and invoices".
This lesson of disconnection is one I have to learn. I let people get to me, I don't carry it around for very long. But I don't want it at all, I need to let it all just roll right off of me. Wonderful piece of advice.
Blessed Be
www.sqrlbee.com www.sisterhood.sqrlbee.com
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dg7954
True Blue Farmgirl
129 Posts
Diane
Doylestown
pa
USA
129 Posts |
Posted - Oct 05 2005 : 12:54:42 PM
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Dear Jan,
After reading about your son, I have to say first off that I am sorry that you are having to deal with this. But, having said that, I think that your saying that you have stopped dancing with your son doesn't sound true to me. You seem to still be in the dance up to your eyeballs. Dyfunction operates in patterns. They are like train tracks. The train just runs on the same track over and over again. You must break the pattern of dysfunction first, before you can develop a new track to run on. You and your son have operated in a dyfunctional pattern for a long time, I am guessing. It has to start with you. You actually have to change your demeanor, your identity with first, yourself, and then with him. You must see yourself as a balanced and loving individual who wants a healthy relationship with your son. This will automatically break your "brain pattern" of how you see yourself and then how you deal with others. You begin to think differently and make different choices. Next, if your son recognizes that, perhaps, this is not a person he has ever seen in you before, you have opened the door to communication that may be different than you have ever experienced with him before. My guess is that it has been a long time (if ever) that you really talked to him about his feelings and yours. This is the most important thing you can ever do with anyone you love. Talk with kindness, not judgement, validating his feelings about you and your feelings for him. He has probably never considered your feelings in your relationship. Be honest but not critical. Also let him do the same with you. You will be surprised if he is able to honestly talk to you, what you discover and what you would never have imagined he felt. If you cannot achieve an even exchange of feelings and honesty that breaks old barriers, then at least you know that you have tried to change the pattern. Some people will hold on to these patterns like their lives depended on them. They may be too stubborn or not interested in thinking a different way. If this is the case with your son, the one pattern you can break on your end is to not be a victim of his using his children as leverage to hurt and manipulate you. This is very hard, I know, but you must let him know that, although you love your grandchildren and it would be painful not to see them anymore, he cannot use them to bend your will, disrespect you, or hurt you because of anger issues he has with you. Tell him that you are more than willing to listen and work out these issues with him, but that keeping your grandchildren away from you is destructive not only for you, but for them as well. Also, tell him that, by example, he is teaching his children to deal with their parents the same way, and that they are missing the gift of being with you and you loving them. It all leads back to him. You have to be loving but strong, and consistent. Tell him you want a better relationship with him and are willing to work at if he is. Instead of more dysfunction, you are giving him a gift. Ultimately, if he refuses this gift, you must be able to accept it. Continuing to bend to his will is continuing a very dysfunctional pattern that can only result in more pain and anger, where your grandchildren end up suffering as well. It just grows. I am not giving this advice lightly. I know it is painful to be strong sometimes. But, you are showing your son a new way to live that will have an effect on everything he does. His relationship can improve and heal with you, and that will touch all other relationships, especially the one he has with himself.
Set a date with him. Have some wine, and just talk. Don't let him shut you down easily. Be patient, supportive, and think of him as one of your friends that has a problem about someone you don't know. What would you ask? What advice would you give? People so much of the time don't talk to their children like they talk to their friends. They usually know just what to say to a friend that makes them open up and feel better. Somehow they get a mind freeze when it comes to their children. Patterns....patterns they learn imitating their parents, patterns they believe a parent should behave like. Try to take yourself out of the equation and listen to what your son is saying. Make sure you validate issues that are important to him. Don't get defensive..that is just more dysfunction. Then, tell him what it has been like to be you, but not in a "see what you have put me through" way, but just like another friend telling him about your life. Ultimately, you will both understand that it hasn't been easy being either of you, but that you can see each other's lives differently, and have both found someone "new" to talk to.
I truly hope that you can do the above with him. That is my wish for every parent. I have always talked to my daughter since she could talk, and have never let up on an issue until she worked it out and it felt right for both of us. I have a wonderful relationship with her and many of her friends, because she and her friends know they can talk to me about anything. I am telling you this because it is never too late. I have learned for years with my daughter's friends that all kids want (at any age) is to be able to talk to someone who really listens, doesn't judge, and gives them loving, supportive advice. I don't know your son, obviously, but I know that he would ultimately love to have that relationship with his mother. Every son does, even if their whole life has been steeped in dysfunction. I must ask you though, did you have a good relationship with your son before he got married? Is it his wife that is the problem? If it is, let me know about her.
I hope this helps. I'll send you good energy. |
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theherblady
True Blue Farmgirl
510 Posts
Jan
Glasford
Illinois
USA
510 Posts |
Posted - Oct 06 2005 : 07:43:38 AM
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Thanks Diane~~ You are sooo right in your advice...He has decided to "sweep it under the rug" and keep going as usual...I have been waiting for the appropriate time/place to talk this thru-I think he would be willing~~ I guess I will have to make the move first..
Thanks Lori for mentioning prayer...Prayer works!! I know that because when my son said I couldnt see the kids anymore-I was lost...! The Lord worked thru the worst of this situation...I pray every day for my son...his wife, their relationship, the kids, his future, for God to work in his life, heart, and his relationship with Him...I also pray for guidence for myself, the right opening to present itself, and the words to best discuss what is troubling him..
Oh yesssss- I have been praying...and believing the Lord will help us thru--
Jan |
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sqrl
True Blue Farmgirl
605 Posts
Melissa
Northern California
USA
605 Posts |
Posted - Oct 06 2005 : 08:39:45 AM
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Diane, I think this is such wonderful and honest advice. About prayer, I think people pray in different ways. I think praying and doing is the best combination. Now, I don't know much about the bible but I can kind of remember something about God helps those who help themselves or something like that. I think that is just what Diane is saying. There is certainly nothing wrong with praying but taking action proves to this higher being that your willing to do what it takes to fix the situation.
Blessed Be
www.sqrlbee.com www.sisterhood.sqrlbee.com
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Family Matters: Do you wanna dance, or not? |
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Do you wanna dance, or not?
