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Family Matters:  Need advice, re: family thingy  |
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DaisyFarm
True Blue Farmgirl
1646 Posts
Diane
Victoria
BC
Canada
1646 Posts |
 Posted - Jan 11 2006 : 3:43:43 PM
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Ok, I'm ASKING for an opinion, so please give it! 
My sister-in-law is bone lazy. She does not cook and will admit she does not cook, nor does she have any desire to learn. Her weight problem is one she will readily admit to "and if someone tells me I shouldn't eat something, I'll eat three". I think she needs to grow up! (she's 37)
But here's the thing...she feeds stuff to my four-year old little nephew that is just garbage. If she gives him broccoli once a week she's doing a marvelous thing. She feeds him McDonalds, Burger King, pizza and some powdered peach stuff she calls "juice", chocolate milk, etc. on a very regular basis. When she does "cook" it comes out of a pre-made package.
My mother is ready to let her have it <cringe> and up to this point I have kept my mouth shut. However, his pale little face and constant strep throat infections really have me concerned.
Did I mention she just had a miscarriage. Might have been the chocolate milk that she lived on "because it settled her stomach".
It's so hard when his health is suffering and yet I don't want to come across as a know-it-all, witch of a sister-in-law either. I have subtly suggested easy ways of making healthy things to eat and have bought her easy cookbooks as gifts, but she just hears what she wants to hear.
What do you think ladies, do I keep my mouth shut?
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quilt8305
True Blue Farmgirl
409 Posts
Mary
Spokane
WA
USA
409 Posts |
Posted - Jan 11 2006 : 4:01:23 PM
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HAve you talked to your brother? It's his child too. YOu are right, she is not doing him any favors.
Mary
The great use of life is to spend it for something that will outlast it. Wm. James |
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DaisyFarm
True Blue Farmgirl
1646 Posts
Diane
Victoria
BC
Canada
1646 Posts |
Posted - Jan 11 2006 : 5:04:20 PM
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I know my brother has told her before not to buy some of the stuff that she does. She just does whatever she wants. I think at some time she's been very spoiled.
The upside is my brother is extremely close to his little boy, just loves him to death. He thoroughly enjoys him which is so refreshing and heartwarming to see. He's a great daddy.
The other side is that he is VERY defensive and not always approachable on things like this. I know he is very family oriented and would never risk causing a rift in his marriage, something I'm not so sure he's afraid of doing.
Geez my heart is racing as I write here. We are a close family and I want to remain that way. I would never want to do anything to cause otherwise. It just makes my heart ache to see this wee guy on his second round of antibiotics (again) and so pale all the time. Lordy, they come to visit on Sundays and you know when they leave that she's not going home to make any kind of supper...I feel bad sometimes sitting down and eating a healthy supper when I know he's getting pizza or McDonalds again.
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mdotterer
True Blue Farmgirl
78 Posts
Marlene
Pleasant Hill
CA
USA
78 Posts |
Posted - Jan 11 2006 : 5:23:21 PM
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Oh Boy. What a tough one. I wish I had a solution, 'cause you could really use one! But, really, it's nearly impossible to "make" someone do the right thing. And, if you interfere, you run the risk of pissing them off and they'll never listen to you! If you do want to talk to her, here's what I think you should do: get all the family members who are around (power in numbers) and have an intervention! Include your brother, too. Tell them what you see. Tell them you love them. Tell them you're not judging them and you're not rejecting them or anything like that. You are just concerned. Offer to help, but be ready for your offer to be rejected. You can offer to help with meal planning, shopping, cooking, babysitting!
If you do this, I wouldn't expect anything to happen right away, other than a big blow up! But, it's possible that with time, they'll think about what everyone said and start to notice the truth in it. They'll start to make little changes. Maybe they'll start by just talking to you, again!
If you don't want the intervention, indulge in Passive Interference. Keep giving her cookbooks, especially about healthy, organic food. Buy some fresh vegetables and cook them up in a yummy way and give it to them as a gift. When you babysit your nephew, let him help you in the garden or kitchen, so he learns about good food. Make sure he sees you enjoying it. Invite them over for dinner a lot. If you go there for dinner, take a healthy dish.
I'll look for some good books about food and feeding children (assuming this charming person likes to read). As a personal chef, I like to help people with this kind of problem, so I consider this a challenge!
Good luck!
Marlene
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katie-ell
True Blue Farmgirl
1818 Posts
Katie
Illinois
1818 Posts |
Posted - Jan 11 2006 : 5:24:43 PM
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| This is a tricky situation; since it's your sister-in-law, you don't have much influence . . . and your mom's wish to 'let her have it', although understandable, will only yield hard feelings, not good, homecooked meals. This is something that needs to be addressed by your brother, perhaps enlisting the help of the little boy's pediatrician . . . talking to the mom about correct food choices for a growing boy. Other than dropping off an occasional good-meal -- a veggie casserole, 'I just happened to make two of these today and thought you'd enjoy not having to prepare a meal', for example . . . not sure what you can do. |
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farmgrlchick
True Blue Farmgirl
439 Posts
Theresa
Columbus
Montana
USA
439 Posts |
Posted - Jan 11 2006 : 7:57:52 PM
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You know as hard as we try we can't change people. They have to change themselves. I don't mean to sound down because I know your heart is in it, (I am usaully a pollyanna) It is so hard to stand by and watch these situations. (Of course If you really feel the child in any real danger it's a whole other story.) If I were you I would love them, invite them over for a "healthy meal" just love them. I think talking to your brother is sound advice as well. Then agian come in love, and maybe tell him you are only going to talk about it with him this once, so he knows your not going to keep on him. You know there are healthy frozen 'fast' foods out there, veggie burgers, soy dogs...sometimes we even eat breakfast for dinner, scramble eggs, blueberry muffins and fresh fruit (my boys love these foods) I have had to watch things in my extended family and bite my tounge and kill em with kindness. You can do it.
Farmgirl Blessings,
Theresa |
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Judes
True Blue Farmgirl
156 Posts
Jude
OH
USA
156 Posts |
Posted - Jan 11 2006 : 11:35:52 PM
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I agree with...every one of you. Sometimes it's just so hard to find your place and your voice in a family. You see things from this different perspective...which is entirely wholesome and good, loving, sincere....but if someone else was raised differently, it's tough to express your opinions and feelings without seeming like you're coming from left field. I truly sympathize with your situation, I am in a similar one with my own sister(s) for different reasons. My neices are 13,14 & 15 and have that same sallow complexion for similar reasons. I have tried many approaches, from concern, to advise, to simply inviting them over for a break from a stressful, smoke filled living situation...but so far I haven't been able to "get through" The best advice that has been given so far is to talk to your brother. The only other thing I can offer, is to have your nephew over more often...and just try to make eating a healthy, relaxing, positive experience for him. I know that may sound corny, but it may leave an impression on him if he gets to be involved in the cooking of good things, and eating becomes an experience, rather than a chow down for him. Maybe he'll even start to request healthy things at home. But ugh...I really do know what you're going through.
Lots of love
Judes
http://schoolstreet.typepad.com
www.jac.etsy.com |
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DaisyFarm
True Blue Farmgirl
1646 Posts
Diane
Victoria
BC
Canada
1646 Posts |
Posted - Jan 12 2006 : 12:17:00 AM
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Thanks so much for letting me bounce this off of all of you. I knew you'd all have some good advice. Sometimes you know what the right thing to do is, but when you're so close to a situation it's hard. I love this dear little boy and it's hard to listen to your head and not your heart sometimes.
Marlene I love "Passive Interference". While I had to laugh at the term, it also is sort of what we do now. I usually make a big pot of soup on Sundays and send him home with some. It's sort of become a routine to come to Auntie's and make soup or bake something. He loves to cook and we seize every opportunity to tell him about healthy foods. I also keep a few good things in my pantry just for him when he comes over.
He is also fascinated by my plant room and I dare not water plants during the week as they're well watered on Sundays..lol. Last summer he helped in the garden a lot for a little guy. He always wants to go outside with me and "do our work".
We have breakfast for supper sometimes too Theresa. I find a bowl of oatmeal on a cold winter's night a real comfort food and it's so good with chopped apples in it.
Hugs to you all...you're the best. I really do appreciate each one of you taking the time to write. |
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quilt8305
True Blue Farmgirl
409 Posts
Mary
Spokane
WA
USA
409 Posts |
Posted - Jan 12 2006 : 10:02:14 AM
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If they come for Sunday visits why not include them in supper and even have them comtribute (sister-in-law, why not come for supper this Sunday and could you bring the salad?). Learning by example is sometimes the easiest and your nephew would get one good meal a week that way.
Mary
The great use of life is to spend it for something that will outlast it. Wm. James |
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DaisyFarm
True Blue Farmgirl
1646 Posts
Diane
Victoria
BC
Canada
1646 Posts |
Posted - Jan 12 2006 : 10:30:12 AM
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Actually we do have them stay for supper fairly often. And you wouldn't believe my response to her bringing a salad - I swear this is the truth - she does not eat ANY vegetable of any kind except frozen corn and therefore doesn't keep any kind of vegetable in her house. Last time when they were here I mashed one yam into a pot of mashed potatoes and she was really mad. lol
Oh well, my nephew ate them. When I put salad on his plate she quickly announced "he won't eat that". He did eat his "bunny food" in a fun game played with him by my very patient daughter.
We keep on tryin!
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Edited by - DaisyFarm on Jan 12 2006 10:31:13 AM |
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Whimsy_girl
True Blue Farmgirl
576 Posts
USA
576 Posts |
Posted - Jan 12 2006 : 12:05:42 PM
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My SIL is just like that except she has cut us all off. I see my nephew only at the rare times that my mom gets to take him out he is only 2 but in the course of 5 months we went from good buddies to him acting like we are strangers.
It's really sad when families become distant from one another over trivial things.. Her problem with us was that when we all went on vacation together I allowed the kids to go to a touch and see exhibit at the science center to see reptiles and bugs. There was hand sanitizer at every station but she has decided we are gross and disgusting people, and doesn't want her kids exposed to such things. My brother told her she was nuts and she actually threatened to leave him and he let her blow it up into this huge mess.. She left him with the kids and went to her moms and technically thats child abandonment, so I made the mistake of encouraging him to let her go and just keep the kids and he obviously repeated that to her because now she hates us.. like deep nasty , can't go to the same family functions or they will leave kind of hate.
She is another who wont feed their kid anything but junk she actually gets grossed out about veggies because they come from the dirt... So do french fries but they go through a lot worse before becoming fries. I came to find out that she threw out every pie I ever made them because I grow my own apples and berries and rhubarb and "they all get bugs on them if they grow outside"
They are the number one reason I am thinking so positivly about our possable move to Montana... all over some dumb bugs and lizards...
My advice to you would be to just feed him your kinds of foods at your home but try to be respectful of how she chooses to raise her kids in her home because if you get comfortable enough to say the wrong thing you may lose the relationship you have with your nephew, and it sounds like he could really benefit from that relationship, so I'd suck it up and just do your best when you get to see him.
you can be oh so smart, or you can be oh so positive. I wasted a lot of time being smart I prefer being positive. |
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DaisyFarm
True Blue Farmgirl
1646 Posts
Diane
Victoria
BC
Canada
1646 Posts |
Posted - Jan 12 2006 : 1:32:52 PM
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Yep, I think you are 100% right Bobbi.
I spend a lot (too much) time reading through the posts on this site and marvelling about what real, good and kind people do. Sometimes I forget that there are some people that are just plain wierd. lol
Hugs |
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Judes
True Blue Farmgirl
156 Posts
Jude
OH
USA
156 Posts |
Posted - Jan 12 2006 : 9:48:21 PM
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Oh my gosh Bobbi! Are you related to me? This sounds like something out of my family chronicles! I have come to call them "Jerry Springer Situations"....perfectly innocent occasions turned completely upside down by something as innocent as a caterpiller.
On a more serious note, these types of things are so sad to me. I am 32 years old and the single most important thing to me is family. But I am part of a family where everyone else has chosen to be miserable and right. There is no room for love, communication, growth....let alone support, friendship, laughter etc. It breaks my heart every single day. I've done absolutely everything. Truly.
My heart goes out to anyone who endures this. There is really nothing more painful than having family that chooses separation above understanding.
http://schoolstreet.typepad.com
www.jac.etsy.com |
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Whimsy_girl
True Blue Farmgirl
576 Posts
USA
576 Posts |
Posted - Jan 12 2006 : 10:41:33 PM
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In spirit I am. Todays society has produced a lot of bored people who use everyday things to create drama to fill their lives at the expense of others. Unfortunatly they HAVE to be related to somebody. Thats you and me :)
Thankfully I am very blessed with my husbands family who are a very honest, loving, down to earth bunch of people.
you can be oh so smart, or you can be oh so positive. I wasted a lot of time being smart I prefer being positive. |
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Fabulous Farm Femmes
True Blue Farmgirl
792 Posts
Diane
Lakebay, Tacoma
WA
792 Posts |
Posted - Jan 13 2006 : 12:46:58 AM
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Judes and Bobbi, we MUST be tripletts separted at birth!!!!This is SO my family.
Now I am not a therapist, and don't claim to be, but as a continual student of human nature for almost 50 years, and with living away from home for nearly 10 years giving me some perspective, I will share with you what I have learned about these kinds of things. You can take them to heart or not, but they are lovingly given.
Most of these situations are all about CONTROL. That is a VERY big issue in dysfunctional families. Whimsy Girl, I would say your sister in law feels threatened by you somehow, not your fault, and when she is around you she tries to boost her low self esteem by making her way the "right way" and yours the wrong.That is her problem, not yours, and you know it is sad but you can't change her, all you can do is change how YOU react to her.
There is no one way to raise a child. Mine grew up in antispetically clean homes and with home cooked food, but now I look back and maybe I should have played more, cleaned less, and went to McDonalds more.I was doing the best I could with what information I had at the time.I was too busy being in control of my environment, because I felt out of control in other areas.Did that make me a bad mother? I don't think so.Ask my kids, we are very close. My daughter who is 27 and works and has three kids, cleans very little and cooks very little at home as she feels it is time better spent contecting with her children, she tries to monitor their fat intake and gives them multivitamins.And I think given her circumstances she is a wonderful mother, her kids are happy and healthy as they can be and well adjusted and loving.So what if they don't eat vegetables regularly and have cereal on the floor in their room.I have to let it go and just love them.
And on the other side of the coin, my youngest daughter absolutely REFUSED to eat ANY vegetables when she was a child until like middle school, they gagged her, and now at 22 she is a vegetarian...go figure!
My Nana used to say you can get more flies with honey than with vinegar. My advice would be to turn the other cheek, apologize if you have to to keep the peace, and try and see the good things in Sis in law and try and compliment her on them if you can, a little at a time.You can always find some good in most people if you look hard enough. When she feels less threatened by you, she will hopefully be more acceptable to your ideas and see your way of doing things in a different light. If she doesn't ever, then you can know in your heart you truly did "what jesus would do" and tried your best. If your nephew is a good loving child then, enjoy him, do what you can for him when he is with you, and let the rest go.
Sorry, don't mean to sermonize, but like I said I have this kind of family too and tried what I am advising and it has worked for me so far. |
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Horseyrider
True Blue Farmgirl
1045 Posts
Mary Ann
Illinois
1045 Posts |
Posted - Jan 13 2006 : 04:57:25 AM
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| Diane, you are very wise, and saved me a lot of typing. |
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Whimsy_girl
True Blue Farmgirl
576 Posts
USA
576 Posts |
Posted - Jan 13 2006 : 07:57:28 AM
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I agree Diane. In fact I think we are saying the same thing!
"My advice to you would be to just feed him your kinds of foods at your home but try to be respectful of how she chooses to raise her kids in her home because if you get comfortable enough to say the wrong thing you may lose the relationship you have with your nephew, and it sounds like he could really benefit from that relationship, so I'd suck it up and just do your best when you get to see him."
you can be oh so smart, or you can be oh so positive. I wasted a lot of time being smart I prefer being positive. |
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Fabulous Farm Femmes
True Blue Farmgirl
792 Posts
Diane
Lakebay, Tacoma
WA
792 Posts |
Posted - Jan 13 2006 : 12:54:41 PM
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| Bobbi, thanks. And can't you just laugh about someone so worried about control that she would even THINK something so dumb like "Vegetables are gross, the come out of the dirt" I mean REALLY.And WHERE does she think the fruit in like Sara Lee pies comes from, if it doesn't grow outside too with the bugs. Bread comes from wheat which is grown outside in THE DIRT with bugs on it. I mean, you have to laugh and then really feel sorry for someone so fragile in her own world that she can make such assinine statements! |
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Whimsy_girl
True Blue Farmgirl
576 Posts
USA
576 Posts |
Posted - Jan 13 2006 : 8:22:34 PM
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The funny thing is that you hear about all the rat poop allowances they have in the food packaging industry... If I sent the stats about that to her, I don't think her family would ever eat again...
But no, really I think I just have to be done as far as they go. We've tried to make amends on a couple of occasions and she just wont speak to me.. stares right through me like I don't exist.. It's really hard to carry on a conversation with someones eyes burning death holes into yours.. She is even rude to my kids. My brother told me to just give it a rest because she holds a grudge and it wont be over until she decides it is, and every time I try to make up he has to hear about it from her all over again, so I guess it just is what it is until it's not anymore.
If we get to move... (I'm starting to get excited about the idea) we'll be five hours away, so with the exception of every other holiday and a few trips a year they wont even exist anymore :)
you can be oh so smart, or you can be oh so positive. I wasted a lot of time being smart I prefer being positive. |
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Horseyrider
True Blue Farmgirl
1045 Posts
Mary Ann
Illinois
1045 Posts |
Posted - Jan 14 2006 : 04:19:09 AM
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| Your poor brother. He's in a difficult spot. |
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Whimsy_girl
True Blue Farmgirl
576 Posts
USA
576 Posts |
Posted - Jan 14 2006 : 08:46:59 AM
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Yeah he is.
you can be oh so smart, or you can be oh so positive. I wasted a lot of time being smart I prefer being positive. |
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Family Matters: Need advice, re: family thingy |
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Need advice, re: family thingy
