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Family Matters:  Terminal ill grandmother  |
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medievalcat
True Blue Farmgirl
256 Posts
Cynthia
White County
Arkansas
USA
256 Posts |
 Posted - Jan 17 2006 : 7:18:11 PM
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Hello All,
I write this with a heavy heart. I've been spending time with my grandmother who has cancer. Hospice has been called and now we wait.
Going into this I felt so much like a pioneering woman and caretaker. It felt like I was connecting to something bigger than all my problems. I was doing the work that many generations before I have done. We did not simply put my grandmother in a nursing home , we brought her to my aunt's house to die. I am the youngest and healthiest of THE FAMILY so I feel it's important to be there to help in her care.
I have never seen anyone die before. And before moving to the country I had never seen an animal die. Yeah, sheltered to the max...
I thought I was brave. Everyday my grandma weakens and I can see her fading before my eyes. I'm torn between my school, my kids, and my strong desire to be there for my grandma until the end. There's a ton of family in to help out. My grandma gave birth to 9 living children and they are all here. At times it's something of a family reunion but not so much the hilarity. I'm torn between wanting to laugh and wanting to bawl. So far I haven't cried much, I feel it staged in my throat that I keep swallowed down.
My husband has been wonderful, he's been keeping the kids in line. My five yr old daughter is very interested in what's going on with my grandma and has asked a bunch of question. When we left today she insisted on saying good bye. I told her she couldn't wake grandma up. She said ok and went over and blew her a kiss and sent a zen hug. It made us all smile.
I just wanted to know if anyone has been through this as well. I would love to hear how you survived it and what your role was during it.
Thanks so much....
Cynthia |
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Julia
True Blue Farmgirl
1949 Posts
Julia
Shelton
WA
USA
1949 Posts |
Posted - Jan 17 2006 : 7:58:28 PM
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Dearest Cynthia, How my heart goes out to you. I have been through it with my MIL. It is a difficult process, the wanting to hang on for our good and the wanting to let go for theirs. So is life and death.
It was hard to watch a vibrant spit fire of a little lady wane to nothing, yet she made it clear that she was ready to go.
Don't be afraid to laugh and cry at your g'ma,s bedside, don't keep either inside it is part of the process. Your heart will let you know what to do and when. Talk to her even if she is sleeping, she will hear.
Knowing that my MIL was ready to go, had lived a wonderful and full life, and would be going to a far better place, knowing we would see her again, made the letting go easier, yet we still grieved our loss, as you will.
One day at a time my dear farmgirl friend. Know that my prayers are with you and your family at this time. A big tight hug to you, Julia V.
"...the setting sun is like going into the very presence of God." Elizabeth Von Arnim |
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westfork woman
True Blue Farmgirl
554 Posts
Kennie Lyn
Emmett
Idaho
USA
554 Posts |
Posted - Jan 19 2006 : 3:27:15 PM
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Cynthia, while this time is hard, it is also a blessing. These last moments with a loved one are precious. Just being there is so important for your grandmother, for you, and your children. We are only seperated a little while, and you will carry her love in your heart forever. Accept the support of your big family, and know that these are the things that make family special. We took care of dh's parents in their homes the last few days of each of their lives. My dad spent his last days in a hospital. They were all where they wanted to be. I was so glad to be able to take care of dh' folks. His mom especially, she was a wonderful woman, she wanted to spend her last days with her family and grandkids. We hired a relative of mine to help with the actual nursing, but my SIL and I did most of what was needed. We rubbed her back, and tried to tempt her appetite with special little treats. We read to her, and just visited. One afternoon, my SIL and both told her how much she meant to both of us. How we admired and loved her. How SIL thought she had beautful eyebrows, and how I thought her big, capable, hands were the most beautiful I had ever seen. I wouldn't trade that for anything. We were holding her hands when she died, she just slipped away. DH's dad was very similar, except that DH did almost everything, with help from a friend and our DIL. One day somone from my FIL's church came and he and I took communion, I knelt at his side and both of us cried. He passed away on a Sunday morning, with all of us at his bedside, with the grandkids playing outside, and he too, just went to sleep, and eventually stopped breathing. As far as how we got thru it, after my MIL passed away, I went into a depression, it lasted almost a year to the day from when she died. I finally just decided that if I was truly honoring her I needed to get on with my life, and live the way she showed me. Don't be afraid to cry, even with your grandmother. You can't hold in grief, it will make you sick. You will never regret the time you have spent in this way. You may be exhausted and depressed when it is over, but you will know you have done your very best. I will be praying for you, KLyn
Greetings from the morning side of the hill. |
Edited by - westfork woman on Jan 19 2006 3:31:50 PM |
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greyghost
True Blue Farmgirl
650 Posts
Lynn
Summerville
Georgia
USA
650 Posts |
Posted - Jan 19 2006 : 3:31:32 PM
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| Cynthia, I understand. I know you will be strong, and as Julia said, don't be afraid to laugh and cry, or just talk to her, even if she can't say anything back. |
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asnedecor
True Blue Farmgirl
1054 Posts
Anne
Portland
Or
USA
1054 Posts |
Posted - Jan 19 2006 : 5:04:55 PM
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Cynthia -
I understand how hard this is. My grandmother passed away a little over two years ago, she had just turned 91. I talked to her on the phone a couple of days before it happened. I was so glad that I was able to say "I love you" before she died. My mother and father were at her side when she passed away. My mother made sure she was in her own bed in her own home instead of the hospital. My mother kept us children away because she wanted us to have only good memories of her. Even as I write this it brings tears to my eyes because I miss her so much. But she led a full life and was very involved in each of ours. My heart goes out to you and your family during this time, but I am sure your grandmother knows how much all of you love her. Take care and be strong.
Anne in Portland
"Second star to the right, straight on till morning" Peter Pan
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Julie R
Farmgirl in Training
18 Posts
Julie
Hyde Park
Utah
USA
18 Posts |
Posted - Jan 19 2006 : 5:29:52 PM
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| Cynthia: Thank you for the work you are doing. Sounds odd, perhaps, but maybe it will help if it comes from a not-quite stranger. This is hard work, but the best work, besides raising your kids. My daughter and I lost my mother 3 1/2 years ago, also to cancer. It was horrible to try to work and be with my mom. We managed. I'm glad your family is near. Answer all the questions, laugh when you want, cry when you want. Don't forget to take care of yourself. Tell each other stories about her, everything you can remember. Have someone tape them or write them down. It will keep you all busy, and later, it will be a treasure for the younger ones. |
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cajungal
True Blue Farmgirl
2349 Posts
Catherine Farmgirl Sister #76
Houston Area
Texas
2349 Posts |
Posted - Jan 20 2006 : 2:56:39 PM
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Cynthia, precious, precious, Cynthia,
All the ladies have shared such warmth and encouragement with you. You will experience so many different waves of emotions at the same time and at different times. Just let them come. Embrace them. There is no guilt or wrong in feeling your grief.
Like the others, I, too have cared for a loved one. My grandmother moved in with us April of 2003. April of 2004 she passed away. That was the best and worst year of my life. Actually, I think the worst was the year after...grieving. I just gave into the whole life experience. I made up my mind to not be negative or stressed....I embraced each day as an honor to care for my Nanny. I thought it a privilege for her to allow herself to be vulnerable and let me care for her. I knew I wanted her to have the greatest of dignity in this death process. I bathed her, cleaned her bottom, fed her, dressed her, held hands with her, kissed her, talked with her, and many, many times just looked at her. Oh, the Blessings I could share.
Cynthia, don't worry about other family members.....you do what you want to do. If you want to sit with her for hours then you do it. Your children can also be quite stronger than you may think. They may not need to be protected from this experience. They can be quite Blessed by it. I made sure my girls held Nanny's hands and kissed her in the days and hours before she died. We looked at her hands and our hands. We talked about our memories. We talked to her not "about" her.....the doctor's said she could still hear everything. I also explained to my girls that they should not be frightened when she dies and her body is cold. I urged them to take in her warmth and love on her. The coldness came on slowly as her breathing slowed. Oh, Cynthia, even now my tears are bitter sweet. So often I would love for time to change and I would gratefully spend the rest of my life caring for her. There is such a huge hole in my heart.
Cynthia, you are brave. A coward would run away from this whole thing. You are trying to find your place in it. Just dive in to these last moments....however difficult it may be, you will never regret the time spent.
With such a large family, it is certain that many will grieve differently. No judgment, no condemnation. Just accept each person's individual response.....especially your own. No matter how you think you're preparing yourself, losing someone is always hard.
I will continue to pray for you.
Blessings
Catherine
One of the best compliments from one of my daughters: "Moma, you smell good...like dirt." |
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medievalcat
True Blue Farmgirl
256 Posts
Cynthia
White County
Arkansas
USA
256 Posts |
Posted - Jan 20 2006 : 3:00:40 PM
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Thank you for all the wonderful warmth. I am writing this on one hour of sleep, she had a bad night last night and it wasn't too bad for me I suffer from insombia. I got to talk to her a lot and it was nice to kind of have her all to myself for a few moments.
Before she slipped into a diabetic coma (one she came out of later) I wanted to read to her something so special and I didn't know what to do.
I had brough with me MJ's book and found a poem about a grandmother's apron. I read this to her, I took out the gnarled hands cause her hands are beautiful even now. She looked at me after I read this and nodded her silver head. Then she looked at my aunt who was standing there and she called her "grandma" several times. I'm thinking my aunt looks a lot like her grandmother. I thought it was so cool that she felt her grandmother close to her by me reading a poem. It was spiritual for me.
I'm not staying tonight, I've got to get some sleep... but I'll be back over there for a few more hours tonight. Then tomorrow...and the next if needed. She's one stubborn goat. And we all love her for it.
Blessings to all,
Cynthia |
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medievalcat
True Blue Farmgirl
256 Posts
Cynthia
White County
Arkansas
USA
256 Posts |
Posted - Jan 21 2006 : 08:07:11 AM
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My aunt now is thinking of putting her in a nursing home. I was told about it last night. I was angry at her but held my tongue. I was also givin the impression that my "help" wasn't needed as much. And told that IF my grandmother remains in my aunt's house then those of us left to help will need to pull 8 hour shifts. Which is near impossible for me. Which they know.
With all the family around I was treated as an equal now I'm back sitting at the kid table. All of this hit me on one hour of sleep so I kept that in mind instead of reacting and causing a scene.
Last night I had a horrible dream about my grandmother being in a nursing home.
I'll go visit my aunt and grandmother later today and not stay around long. I'll give everyone space.
Maybe I was hovering too much or to them not hovering around enough. I don't know if this is a control issue for my aunt or what. I will spend this morning thinking of what I can and can't do.
I will not have a say on where my grandmother goes, those of us delegated to the little table can only raise our hands with the correct answer and hope to be called on.
I wanted to say thank you for the support you ladies have given me. It has meant the world to me.
{{{{{{zenhugs}}}}}
Cynthia |
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cajungal
True Blue Farmgirl
2349 Posts
Catherine Farmgirl Sister #76
Houston Area
Texas
2349 Posts |
Posted - Jan 21 2006 : 10:47:16 AM
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Cynthia, that is a hard situation. From your original post, your family sounds very nurturing and caring, so, to me, the decision to move her to a home doesn't seem like one they're making to just put off their duties....sounds like they want to have the support of round the clock care. You have been so helpful to them and shown your concern and willingness to help. I'm sure they will take your opinions into the consideration...hopefully. Emotions can run very high right now ...for everyone... from rage to despair. Take a deep breath. You're doing great. You just make this time with your grandmother as special as you can. That's all that matters right now....making her comfortable and letting her know she's loved.
Blessings
Catherine
One of the best compliments from one of my daughters: "Moma, you smell good...like dirt." |
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medievalcat
True Blue Farmgirl
256 Posts
Cynthia
White County
Arkansas
USA
256 Posts |
Posted - Jan 22 2006 : 8:22:00 PM
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Thank you Catherine and all,
My grandmother passed away this afternoon shortly after 1:00. I had stopped in this morning and she was like she was yesterday. There was a ton of family in so I went home to deal with a problem here. I was feeling very antsy about going back to my aunt's, this feeling I should FLY to my aunt's as fast as I could... I thought it was my fustrations at my hubby that made me feel that way.
My aunt called and said I needed to get there.
Here's the interesting part, she passed away after all but my aunt was home... like she knew everyone needed to go home and when everyone left she felt she could go to her final home. It was very peaceful.
I helped take care of her before she was taken away.
Her name is Lavanche Hazel... a tough old goat who taught me many things in life.
Peace to her.
Cynthia |
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Rebekka Mae
True Blue Farmgirl
965 Posts
Rebekka
Moscow
ID
USA
965 Posts |
Posted - Jan 22 2006 : 8:48:16 PM
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Cynthia- Let's hope we are all blessed with such wonderful caregiving up to our passing and the peace to go gently when the time is right. I am so glad you shared her name- it will be in my thoughts tonight as she eases away from us tonight- dear thing. As time moves on the ineviteble scars that the family has from trying to agree on a course of action in this difficult time will heal- you all did the best you knew how and Lavanche was able to go on from a family home as she needed to. Let your grief do what it may and always honor her voice in your heart- it is so terribly lonely to lose your granny and through sharing her stories and thinking "what would granny do?" she will always be a little bit there. My granny passed on 10 years ago and it seems she is still right here with me so often- I wish the same for you.
Sending you love and warm hugs tonight, Rebekka
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Krisathome
True Blue Farmgirl
90 Posts
Kristin
Iowa
USA
90 Posts |
Posted - Jan 22 2006 : 8:56:57 PM
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| I am sending you hugs, too. I am sorry to hear about your grandmother's passing. And I thank you for sharing your trials and feelings with us. I have a granny that I really should make more time. You've reminded me how precious she is. |
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cajungal
True Blue Farmgirl
2349 Posts
Catherine Farmgirl Sister #76
Houston Area
Texas
2349 Posts |
Posted - Jan 23 2006 : 10:00:05 AM
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Cynthia, my family is thinking of you and praying for your strength and comfort. Don't be suprised if you actually coast the next few days....it may be a few weeks from now when you really hit some rough emotions.
As I mentioned before, we all grieve differently. I go through stages of private grieving to wanting someone's company. The day my Nanny died I took out the chain saw and spent hours chopping small trees and bushes that I had been wanting to chop for a long time. The work was therapeutic and solitary. I have no idea why I chopped trees down the day she died....I just did it. I guess it was the only thing I had control over.
When we were with hospice care, the nurses often told me to not be suprised if Nanny went quietly while no one was there. They said they've seen it many times where loved ones stay with the dying every minute,then step out to go to the bathroom or to get a coffee, be gone only minutes and when they return find their loved one to have passed away. So, what you said about everyone except your aunt being out of the home isn't too suprising.
Here is something that a hospice nurse shared with me....
I am standing upon the seashore. A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength. I stand and watch her until at length she hangs like a speck of white clouod just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.
Then someone at my side says, "There, she is gone!"
"Gone where?"
Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast and hull and spar as she was when she left my side and she is just a s able to bear her load of living freight to her destined port.
Her diminished size is in me, not in her. And just at the moment when someone at my side says, "There, she is gone!" there are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices ready to take up the glad shout, "Here she comes!"
And that is dying.
Henry Van Dyke
God Bless you and your family
Love,
Catherine
One of the best compliments from one of my daughters: "Moma, you smell good...like dirt." |
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westfork woman
True Blue Farmgirl
554 Posts
Kennie Lyn
Emmett
Idaho
USA
554 Posts |
Posted - Jan 24 2006 : 10:47:44 AM
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Cynthia I am sorry for your loss, but thank you for this posting, I have thought again of the ones I have lost, especially my MIL, it has been a blessing. I hope those same blessings for you all the rest of your days. KLyn
Greetings from the morning side of the hill. |
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medievalcat
True Blue Farmgirl
256 Posts
Cynthia
White County
Arkansas
USA
256 Posts |
Posted - Jan 24 2006 : 1:04:48 PM
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Thank you all for your posts. Sometimes the posts allow me to cry for my loss other times it builds me up and I smile. In the midst of all the grieve I found something to be very happy about. I like to think my grandmother had something to do with it.
I found out that there is something in AR called Career Pathways, and they paid off the rest of my tuition and will pay for my fall semester with books as well.
And my husband's surgery is a step closer to happening. It had been stalled for over a month with the insurance company fighting us. In one day we see a pretty rainbow of things that will do us the most good.
I wish I was closer to you ladies in miles... I would give all you a big thank you hug!
Blessings to you and your's.
Cynthia |
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Julia
True Blue Farmgirl
1949 Posts
Julia
Shelton
WA
USA
1949 Posts |
Posted - Jan 24 2006 : 4:35:21 PM
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Know that the time you spent with your G'ma will carry you through in years to come. I wish I had been with my G'ma when she passed. We were living out of state at the time. When the nursing home call my aunt that G'ma was waning, my aunt didn't even go or call my Mom until she was gone. How sad to be alone. I am glad your g'ma was surrounded by loved ones.
My prayers are with you as you grieve. Consider yourself hugged!
Great news about your schooling. Those are the things I like seeing tax dollars going for. Julia V.
"...the setting sun is like going into the very presence of God." Elizabeth Von Arnim |
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cajungal
True Blue Farmgirl
2349 Posts
Catherine Farmgirl Sister #76
Houston Area
Texas
2349 Posts |
Posted - Feb 02 2006 : 04:31:04 AM
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Just passing by to check in on you. Hope all is well.
Blessings
Catherine
One of the best compliments from one of my daughters: "Moma, you smell good...like dirt." |
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medievalcat
True Blue Farmgirl
256 Posts
Cynthia
White County
Arkansas
USA
256 Posts |
Posted - Feb 02 2006 : 12:55:29 PM
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Thank you Catherine... I'm hanging in there. I write poetry to get me through the rougher spots. I wrote a poem about my grandma and it's helped me a lot.
Now trying to catch up on school and housework!
Glad that you dropped by! |
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cajungal
True Blue Farmgirl
2349 Posts
Catherine Farmgirl Sister #76
Houston Area
Texas
2349 Posts |
Posted - Feb 02 2006 : 1:50:35 PM
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Writing is wonderful and cathartic. Some of our best creativity comes from the depths of our despair. I couldn't stop writing all my memories and stories....I didn't want all of her to be gone....want my grandchildren to know about her.
Bless you!
Catherine
One of the best compliments from one of my daughters: "Moma, you smell good...like dirt." |
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Family Matters: Terminal ill grandmother |
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Terminal ill grandmother
