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Hogs & Quiches & Prayers Round-up:  Marriage in crisis  |
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woolgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
901 Posts
Elizabeth
Great Lakes
IL
USA
901 Posts |
 Posted - May 31 2011 : 11:15:26 AM
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About 2 months ago now my husband said he wanted to seperate. I packed up the next day and my daughter and I went home to my family in MN. A few weeks later he wanted us to come home, so we did. Things are still so shaky though. I honestly feel that a lot of this is due to depression, survivor's guilt, and PTSD from his last deployment in Afghanistan. I am trying desperately to make this work, but if he refuses to get help I don't know what else I can do. It is like he is a totally different person than the man I married and the father of our child. He wants to go out and party and go to the bars with his friends and not come home until the next day, which I don't mind occasionally, but not every weekend. He won't introduce me to his friends because he says I am intruding in his life. I just don't see wanting to be a part of my his life as an invasion of his privacy, unless he is hiding something. I am at my wits end, and feel trapped. I am not working, but go to school and if I drop out I have to pay back my GI Bill and tuition, which I can't afford. I would also have to transfer schools, which at this point in the nursing program nothing would transfer and I would be wasting almost all of my GI Bill and what I worked for in the military. I have no family or friends here because we just recently moved to this base and I go to school an hour away. I have no money to move out on my own, and can't even get a place since I don't work, so nobody will rent to me. I am sorry for the long moan and groan, I just need to get it out.
Farmgirl #1947 |
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CMac
True Blue Farmgirl
1074 Posts
Connie
Ashland City
TN
USA
1074 Posts |
Posted - May 31 2011 : 11:23:56 AM
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Is he still active military? I know it is a big step but you may need to talk with his CO or talk with the dependent spouse resource person. ( I have no idea what the military is calling this these days but I think you know what I mean.) I also advise getting some counseling to help you see more clearly your options and your power.
I hear your pain and your isolation. We are here for you!
Connie
"I have three chairs in my house: one for solitude, two for friendship, three for company."
Author: Henry David Thoreau |
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woolgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
901 Posts
Elizabeth
Great Lakes
IL
USA
901 Posts |
Posted - May 31 2011 : 11:43:57 AM
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He is active duty. He has already said that if I go to the command he will for sure divorce me, so again, one more corner I am trapped in. We went to a few counseling sessions, but we didn't mesh well. I feel like all she did was blame me and praise him for being so honest. I understand honesty, but I wish he was honest with me first. There have been a lot of things he lied about, and I feel like I can't trust him anymore. She suggested I just move out, or if I don't we should try living like roommates, which I just can't do. It is too painful to see him everyday and not be married to him, it is still too fresh. She also told me I should lie to my child about where he is, since he is going out all the time I should just say he is at work. I do have some morals so heavens sake. We also don't have a babysitter, so it is hard to make it to the apppointments. I don't want it to seem like I keep making excuses for why I can't leave, which is what my friends and family back home say I am doing. I really don't know what to do though. I feel like it is just as unfair for me to just leave when he is having psychological issues as it is for what he is doing. But I don't know how much more I can take.
Farmgirl #1947 |
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CMac
True Blue Farmgirl
1074 Posts
Connie
Ashland City
TN
USA
1074 Posts |
Posted - May 31 2011 : 1:42:59 PM
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You are making excuses because you are not ready. You will know when it is time to do something different. A good friend likes to say "You will know when you know and not before." Just know you didn't cause his behavior, you can't control or cure it either. Just like an addict mental health issues are the person who is sufferings to fix. All you can do is take care of you and your child. If you can do that in that environment so be it. If you decide you can't it will be time to do something. It might be helpful to make some plans by saying " I am not ready to do anything yet. But if I were I think it would be best to...." Sometimes it is easier to think about what we "could" do if we are not committed to doing it yet.
On a little different note, if it is even possible that he is sexually active outside the marriage you must insist on safe sex. You should get tested. Not what you want to hear I'm sure but offered out of love and concern.
Hugs on you!
Connie
"I have three chairs in my house: one for solitude, two for friendship, three for company."
Author: Henry David Thoreau |
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Ninibini
True Blue Farmgirl
7577 Posts
Nini
Pennsylvania
USA
7577 Posts |
Posted - May 31 2011 : 8:01:34 PM
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Elizabeth - I'm going to be praying for you and your husband. Sending you an email now. Hugs - Nini
Farmgirl Sister #1974
God gave us two hands... one to help ourselves, and one to help others!
www.papercraftingwithnini.myctmh.com
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dutchy
True Blue Farmgirl
4427 Posts
4427 Posts |
Posted - May 31 2011 : 9:21:37 PM
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Prayers for you all. I can offer no advice...just hugs and prayers.
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Hugs from Marian/Dutchy, a farmgirl from the Netherlands :)
http://pinkprincessdecorating.blogspot.com/
Almost daily updates on me, my home and my crafts
Farmgirl sister # 2410 |
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Fiddlehead Farm
True Blue Farmgirl
4562 Posts
Diane
Waupaca
WI
USA
4562 Posts |
Posted - Jun 01 2011 : 04:07:51 AM
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Elizabeth,
I feel your confusion and pain. As you know, my DD is going through the exact same thing with her DH. I really wanted to talk to you some more in Brookfield. I am so glad you came and we were able to meet. It will be hard, but you need to stand on your own two feet and finish school and take care of your beautiful daughter. This war is awful and leaving a lot of soldiers with invisible wounds. If he won't get help, you can't make him. What you can do is be strong and take care of YOU. Let's keep in touch. Hugs.
http://studiodiphotosite.shutterfly.com/
farmgirl sister #922
Happy to be a "Raggedy Ann" in a Barbie World!
I get up every morning determined to both change the world and have one hell of a good time. Sometimes this makes planning my day difficult.
- E. B. White |
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embchicken
True Blue Farmgirl
1487 Posts
Elaine
Ocean
NJ
USA
1487 Posts |
Posted - Jun 01 2011 : 04:36:46 AM
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Elizabeth~ You have to do what you feel is right for yourself and your daughter. And you have to do it in your own time. Your family and friends probably want you to move quickly because they just don't like to see you in pain (you can't fault them for that). As long as your husband is not being abusive in any manner - you can bide your time. That being said, his reluctance to share his time with you and his statement that you are intuding on his life are troubling, to say the least. I can sympathize that he has a lot to work through but he should be doing that with his family(you). Have you gone back to the counselor? I only ask because she doesn't sound like the best counselor for you. Anyone who advocates lying in any shape or form during counseling is highl suspect.
I can relate to your feeling of being trapped. I went through a similar experience a few years ago. It is, perhaps, one of the worst feelings in the world. This is the time for you to lean on family and friends - there is always a way out - it might take some planning - but you can do it.
Just know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.
~ Elaine
Farmgirl sister #2822
"Find yourself a cup of tea; the teapot is behind you. Now tell me about hundreds of things." ~Saki
http://embchicken.blogspot.com
http://gusandtrudy.blogspot.com |
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woolgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
901 Posts
Elizabeth
Great Lakes
IL
USA
901 Posts |
Posted - Jun 01 2011 : 09:11:23 AM
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Thank you all. Diane it was wonderful meeting you as well. I would love to stay in touch. With the weather getting nice we should plan a get-together soon.
Liz
Farmgirl #1947 |
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Heartbroken farmgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
604 Posts
Annette
rio vista
Ca
USA
604 Posts |
Posted - Jun 01 2011 : 09:58:55 AM
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Liz, I will be praying for you. I don't understand your counselor praising your husbands honesty, and advising you to be dishonest with your DD? That alone makes no since at all! I'm so sorry you are going through this. A little over a year ago, my marriage was in dire crisis. I know how terrible the hurt, confusion, and indecision can be. Everyday is more confusing than yesterday. I'm sending you more hugs than you know what to do with.
My advice, work on you. See if there are places where you can show praise, respect, and/or love, for things you DO admire in your husband. Most men are more responsive to respect than a romantic love. If he feels like he is failing, or not "tough" enough, maybe because of the PTSD, it very easily causes a depression. Majority of men who wing up in divorce, affairs, or separation, even a mental distancing from family...are depressed BEFORE they make these choices. The only person you can work on is you, though. And take care of you precious DD. As a help, try to focus on the things your husband does well, for the family."thank you honey, for providing for us." "Thank you for serving for our country." "Wow, thanks for taking the trash out, I was trying to get to that!"
Our marriage was saved by Grace, but a tool God used with us, was the movie "fireproof". My husband was given the Love Dare book by our pastor, and as he worked through it, I couldn't believe the changes I saw in him. They made me need, not just want, to change too. please look into this book. It is a must read, for any struggling marriage.
More hugs to you.
Annette
The tears I shed then, watered the flowers I harvest now.
www.broken908.blogspot.com
http://forums.familyfriendpoems.com/broken908
"The aim of education is the knowledge not of facts but of values."-Dean William Ralph Inge |
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Aunt Jenny
True Blue Farmgirl
11381 Posts
Jenny
middle of
Utah
USA
11381 Posts |
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Dusky Beauty
True Blue Farmgirl
1108 Posts
Jen
Tonopah
AZ
USA
1108 Posts |
Posted - Jun 01 2011 : 4:03:41 PM
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Elizabeth, the girls have already said so much good advice, but if I could make only one suggestion it would be to seek out a counselor of some description who works on a basis of faith.
Many non Christian counselors see marriages end all the time and they accept it as an inevitable outcome, and for that reason I think many are perfectly content to bill you or your insurance for the sessions without being truly invested in actually trying to prevent a divorce.
Can you see someone from the chaplains department? or meet a chaplains wife for coffee? or perhaps get involved in an off base church family?
As far as "working on you" I feel that's all you can do. You can't force someone to save a marriage if they refuse to try, and you can't do it on your own. The best you can do is the best you can, until he sees what he will miss without you in his life, hopefully before it's too late.
"After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.” ~Will Rogers |
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batznthebelfry
True Blue Farmgirl
1257 Posts
Michele
Athol
Ma
USA
1257 Posts |
Posted - Jun 01 2011 : 6:17:05 PM
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ok honey I wasn't going to comment but there is one thing missing in all of this that non-military people don't see/understand ect...since you are a military....they gave me this silly little pamplet that was to explain PTSD & the effects it has on the person who is dealing with it & all the signs that it might be happening......Even if your hubby did not kill someone, see someone killed or die they are still surrounded by others who have & talk about it...also the noise from mortars, guns ect going off around the clock can cause so much stress we can't image.....ok that said....some come home realizing they could have died there....this scares them to the point that they act out like they are high school boys again ...the drinking, partying, wanting to feel single again...having no responsibilities.....this idea of being free & their own person again.....problem is they are married, they are sometimes parents, they have responsiblities but while going thur the PTDS thats something they can't handle so they blame everyone but themselves for what is occurring around them....him threatening you with divorce if you go to his CO is one thing he can control in you to get to do what he wants....I know you feel stuck but shut off the feeling for him at the moment & concintrate on the children & their well being....I know the roommate idea is hard but honey I have been living that since my hubby returned from Iraq in 2005 & now he is in Afghanistan so I am sure yet another man will get off the plane who I don't know.....My son is grown so I have dealt with this by myself but have learned that I can live this way & that I have pets/chickens who need me as well as neighbors & friends...so I have learned to do things for others so that I feel important or alive...you are right about your GI bill & transfering credits to another school or state...but go to the GI bill Office on your Post & talk to them about what would happen if you had to transfer/move...would the GI Bill be able to help with the courses that won't trasnfer so you don't lose it all or have to pay out of pocket.....Up here thomas is allowed to get his Masters free as the state will pay for it since he is full active military then reserves & now full active again for another year....see if the state you might have to move back to has that same deal for military...they may pick up what the GI bill won't or can't....also since you don't work while you are at school be prepared in your mind that if he does decide to divorce you that you may need state assistance...yeah I know people don't want to hear about food stamps ect but you may have to bottle up your pride for a bit so you can be a good mother to your kids....just remember the kids know whats going on...just by the emotions the 2 of you are sending out...if it comes to leaving & the children are safe, fed & have shelter as long as they have you to love them that is all that matters....its such a hard road & I am sorry you having to walk down it....Michele'
Chickens rule!
The Old Batz Farm
Hen #2622 |
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woolgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
901 Posts
Elizabeth
Great Lakes
IL
USA
901 Posts |
Posted - Jun 02 2011 : 11:35:33 AM
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This war has left so many invisible wounds. PTSD is a horrible sickness. His last deployment was horrible. He was part of the first 100 to go during the troop surge, and he was deployed to the Helmand Province, one of the most volatile areas in Afghanistan. He does combat medicine, and the things he saw were I think more than he thought he would. One of the ops he was supposed to go out on another corpsman wanted to go on, so my husband let him, and he was killed that day. He still feels a great deal of remorse and guilt I think. When I was in the military I also did medicine, but mainly did therpay with returning troops. It was hard to see them suffering, but it is so much more real now since it is affecting our family. I have a lot of anxiety as well, which does not help the situation. Right before my husband deployed the Marine I dated before I started dating my husband was killed in the same area my husband was deployed to, and I think this may be why I maybe cling to him so much now. I feel like I have lost two people I love to this war. I can't explain that to him though.
For now he has started taking some Jiu Jitsu classes, and I think it is really helping him. It is so good to see him excited about something. That has not happened in a long time. He leaves in the fall for a training program that lasts a year, and my daughter and I are staying here. He will then get orders, probably back to a combat batallion. I am staying here until I finish school, and hopefully by then we will have this whole sitauion figured out. Right now it just feels like we are going through the motions until that time. I am looking for a new faith family here, but am having a hard time finding somewhere that is the right fit. But hopefully all these things will help get us back to a place that we can all be happy again.
Liz
Farmgirl #1947 |
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Dusky Beauty
True Blue Farmgirl
1108 Posts
Jen
Tonopah
AZ
USA
1108 Posts |
Posted - Jun 04 2011 : 11:39:10 AM
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Prayin for you Liz, God made you to be a strong woman and I know he'll see you through this trial as he has done for me.
"He will restore the years the locusts have eaten."
Someone said that to me when I was going through a similar crisis and I didn't think much of it at the time. Till it actually happened.
"After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.” ~Will Rogers |
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Heartbroken farmgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
604 Posts
Annette
rio vista
Ca
USA
604 Posts |
Posted - Jun 04 2011 : 1:25:58 PM
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What Jen said helped me so much during the hard times with my DH. Another is "He gives beauty for ashes!!" The roommate idea, can be off-putting, and for me, it was impossibly hard, but when I put my faith in God, who promises to "restore what the locusts devoured", and "beauty for ashes" it didn't stay a roommate situation. Prayer, faith, and constant efforts paid off. It's true you can't fix a marriage by yourself, your husband needs to want it too, but if you work on you, and have faith, he will see what he has in you, and what he stands to lose. Hugs and prayers for you!!
The tears I shed then, watered the flowers I harvest now.
www.broken908.blogspot.com
http://forums.familyfriendpoems.com/broken908
"The aim of education is the knowledge not of facts but of values."-Dean William Ralph Inge |
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woolgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
901 Posts
Elizabeth
Great Lakes
IL
USA
901 Posts |
Posted - Jun 09 2011 : 4:27:07 PM
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Please keep me in your thoughts tomorrow. It is my husband's promotion ceremony, and I am going to be meeting a lot of people from his command. I am really nervous. I am sure he has had some nasty things to say about me to them, and I would assume the other woman he may or may not have had something with will most likely be there. I am terrified. But I am really trying hard to make this work and I want to be there to support him.
Liz
Farmgirl #1947 |
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Tea Lady
True Blue Farmgirl
645 Posts
Lorraine
Morris
IL
USA
645 Posts |
Posted - Jun 09 2011 : 5:05:07 PM
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You have received a lot of valuable advice - so I'll just let you know I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I can feel pain and confusion and grief in your writing - but I also feel your strength and intelligence. God bless you.
Lorraine
(aka Tea Lady)
Farmgirl #1819
www.birdsandteas.com |
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CMac
True Blue Farmgirl
1074 Posts
Connie
Ashland City
TN
USA
1074 Posts |
Posted - Jun 09 2011 : 5:27:00 PM
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I will send you lots of love and strength tomorrow. Remember you are not what other people say about you. You are you and that is pretty fabulous! It is none of your business what they think unless they tell you. If there is another woman and she is there remember she is no happier with him and his behavior than you are! He is still married to you. He still lives with you. Hold your head high and be proud of who you are and the values you believe in.
He is probably anxious too. Don't let him pick a fight. Don't you pick a fight or take the bait if he tries. I know that is easier said than done but if you intend not to fight it is easier to find a way not to.
Hugs,
Connie
"I have three chairs in my house: one for solitude, two for friendship, three for company."
Author: Henry David Thoreau |
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woolgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
901 Posts
Elizabeth
Great Lakes
IL
USA
901 Posts |
Posted - Jun 09 2011 : 7:38:47 PM
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I really feel like he is trying, or at least starting to try. We had a pretty big argument this week, but the rest of the week has been ok. I honestly don't think there was ever a physical affair with this other girl, but I do think there was some emotional involvement. It is so hard not knowing. I will never know because even if there was he would never admit to it, as they both are active duty and it would tarnish both of their careers. Facing her will be the hardest part. I think though that maybe he is starting to see that he wants to stay not only for our daughter, but for our marriage as well. I am doing my best to trust him and put my faith in God. It has just been what feels like a long process, and I know this is just the beginning.
Liz
Farmgirl #1947 |
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buffypuff
True Blue Farmgirl
1183 Posts
Claudia
Deer Park
WA
USA
1183 Posts |
Posted - Jun 09 2011 : 9:56:52 PM
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I don't understand the military aspect of what war can do to a person let alone a marriage. Suffice it to say, that God is capable when He is part of your marriage. I'm sure you have heard about the 3rd cord strengthens the bond of a rope so no one can tear it apart. God is the 3rd cord. I can only offer my prayers and support as He leads you to a faith family that understands the military and what you are going through. God bless you my dear!
Buffypuff/ Claudia ~ Farmgirl & Sister #870 ~
"It compliments God to ask great things of Him." ~ St. Theresa of Avila
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embchicken
True Blue Farmgirl
1487 Posts
Elaine
Ocean
NJ
USA
1487 Posts |
Posted - Jun 10 2011 : 1:59:18 PM
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Liz~ My thoughts and prayers are with you today and everyday. ou can only control your actions, thoughts and words - not those of others. As long as you are true to what you believe in and act as such you hold your head high! This sounds like such a horrible time for you but you sound like a strong,true woman and you will come through this.
~ Elaine
Farmgirl sister #2822
"Find yourself a cup of tea; the teapot is behind you. Now tell me about hundreds of things." ~Saki
http://embchicken.blogspot.com
http://gusandtrudy.blogspot.com |
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Simply Ann
True Blue Farmgirl
163 Posts
WI
USA
163 Posts |
Posted - Jun 11 2011 : 06:46:01 AM
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Liz, hugs of support go out to you and your daughter. What you are going through is so very hard, I know it is consuming your every thought. Building back trust is hard, but when your heart has a love for someone it is hard to let go. Do what feels right for you and the rest will fall in place as it should. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
There is no set path, follow your heart stay the course. |
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debtea2
True Blue Farmgirl
1853 Posts
deborah
nutley
nj
USA
1853 Posts |
Posted - Jun 12 2011 : 5:49:39 PM
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sending prayers to you and i agree with michele get a transfer to another school where you r family is
and just go ..
inch by inch we find our way
jersey farmgirl
#1330
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Joey
True Blue Farmgirl
1868 Posts
Joey
Gulf Coast
FL
USA
1868 Posts |
Posted - Jun 13 2011 : 11:37:14 AM
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Just keeping you close in my heart, and saying prayers. Hugs, Joey
Well behaved women rarely make history. |
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laurentany
True Blue Farmgirl
3259 Posts
Laurie
Patchogue
NY
USA
3259 Posts |
Posted - Jun 17 2011 : 2:02:07 PM
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Hi Elizabeth-
Just wanted to check in and see how things are going for you.
Keeping you in my thoughts!
Smiles and Hugs,
~Laurie
"Little Hen House on the Island"
Farmgirl Sister#1403
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.. |
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Hogs & Quiches & Prayers Round-up: Marriage in crisis |
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Marriage in crisis
