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Family Matters:  Feeling bad, money issues in marriage  |
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primjillie
True Blue Farmgirl
138 Posts
Jill
Antelope
CA
USA
138 Posts |
 Posted - Nov 14 2006 : 2:47:51 PM
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| I have to admit I am puzzled by some of these posts. I do admit that sometimes I "mother" my husband, but I really can't imagine letting things go downhill (utilities cut off, selling personal items, not eating well or healthy, not being able to afford basic needs) just to teach my husband a lesson or hope he accepts some responsibility for our finances and our lives. How long do you do that and to what lengths can you let yourself go before you reach your limit? I consider myself a Christian, but I don't believe that marriage means losing respect for ourselves. I really don't want to offend anyone, but marriage is a two way street, and both parties need to put in effort and respect and responsibility to make it work. I am about the same age as some of the posters with problems, and I can't imagine working, trying to maintain a home, and support a family while my husband refuses to work or is so reluctant to put in his share for expenses. Am I missing something or is this just a case of different strokes for different folks? |
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KYgurlsrbest
True Blue Farmgirl
4853 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4853 Posts |
Posted - Nov 15 2006 : 06:32:11 AM
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Jill--when I was living with my longtime boyfriend, who was an alcoholic (sleeping in ditches, dui's, etc.--no kidding), we went to counselling. After he stopped going because "she was picking on him" she explained to me that no matter how much I wanted him to "see" the issues, and to stop bad things from happening to us, I couldn't make him care, or stop what he was doing. He had to hit, what she termed "rock bottom"--maybe it would be an accident, or an alcohol related illness, killing someone, being on the street, whatever, but it would be a CONSEQUENCE of his alcoholism and that would be the only thing that would help him see his issues. He had ceased to really care about himself, and in turn me. By that time, I honestly didn't care enough about him to wait around for him to "see" the light, but I hear he's married and teaching at a college, so I would say she was on the right track....
I'm incredibly dedicated to my marriage, and honestly feel that I go to great lengths to secure his happiness (enter mothering), but we we were once equal partners, and that's no more. I've asked, begged, offered assistance, circled want ads, cried, and literally watched him sleeping like a baby while I lie awake, worried about the next bill(s), all seem to be met with placating words and no action. I wonder what comes next? If I go to counselling, I'll probably end up at there by myself, and because I'm the person that chooses to stay in this marriage instead of bailing when times get rough, then I'm sort of at his mercy, aren't I? Right now, I've been skipping bills monthly, borrowing from Peter to pay Paul. If I just do what is within our financial power, and something gets turned off, well, it just does. It will be terrible on my pride, but maybe it will affect his, too.
I guess my question is at what point do I disrespect myself--enabling his behavior by consistently finding an answer. I have literally ceased to be who I used to be. I'm a ball of worry and I'm constantly strategizing and "working" the numbers and I still lose. I'm simply tired. And in need of a new direction.
Christine said "we're reminded that two really are better than one, "for if they fall, one will lift the other up." This is my ideal...and I simply want things to go back to the way they once were. We were always on the same side, and it doesn't feel that way anymore. I will reiterate that I think it's ridiculous that there should even have to BE a lesson--we are both thinking, intelligent people, but we seem to have lost our way, together.
Just think of all of the roads there are...all of the things I haven't seen....yet. |
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ktknits
True Blue Farmgirl
582 Posts
Kathy
Northwest Indiana
USA
582 Posts |
Posted - Nov 15 2006 : 07:24:20 AM
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One thing we haven't really talked about here yet is forgiveness. I don't have a lot of time to go into it because I'm at work right now, but that's when I seemed to turn a corner with my husband and our relationship. When we go through trials we can emotionally get better or get bitter. I needed to understand that he had some problems, and to forgive him for not being everything I wanted him to be for me; for my own health & well being because the resentment I had was just eating me up, making me physically sick, very hateful to everyone, & it was ultimately making me bitter, and that's just not who I wanted to be--a bitter, unforgiving woman.
I could also see him spiraling down in a pool of unforgiveness toward himself for not being able to be what he though a husband needed to be. He lashed out with all sorts of behavior at that time, and it would have been very, very, VERY easy for me to just walk away. With lots of prayer we have worked through quite a few problems. We all need to be aware that life isn't perfect, and we all need to love, forgive and work with each other. It's very difficult when one partner is trying and the other isn't, but I decided that I wanted to be there to pick him up when he had fallen instead of walking away and letting him flounder on his own. And, I hope that if I was ever not working that my husband would be there to pick me up and run with the responsibility of the family instead of walking away from me too! We are married to people, not "units of earning power".
When I get home tonight I'll try to get my thoughts together. I also have some good books on forgiveness. I just know that it's hard to forgive, but it was the best thing I could do for myself as well as our marriage. Will keep you in my prayers. |
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KYgurlsrbest
True Blue Farmgirl
4853 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4853 Posts |
Posted - Nov 15 2006 : 07:56:30 AM
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Such a great offering, Kathy. I agree--I really Do hate being angry at him. I think that's why I tried to go home Monday afternoon, after my original posting (and all the support and great offerings) and tried to just "be happy". It makes a difference, certainly, in the way we deal with one another in almost every aspect. I think that's why in my original post I referenced the "blessing to our husbands" post...I love him, dearly, but every time I read that thread, I just felt terrible because all I could think of was the "yuck" part.
I will admit that it's going to be a little difficult to always keep my chin up, but I am making an effort daily (well, since Monday) to say supportive things, and NOT inquire about "how much $$$" etc...maybe that will also help him feel like he's a part of our marriage and like you said, not just a "unit of earning power"...wish me luck and keep us in your thoughts. I certainly see my shortcomings in this situation, too. And I so appreciate all of these alternate processes to think through. We can sometimes have such tunnel vision....
Just think of all of the roads there are...all of the things I haven't seen....yet. |
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primjillie
True Blue Farmgirl
138 Posts
Jill
Antelope
CA
USA
138 Posts |
Posted - Nov 15 2006 : 11:38:58 AM
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| Jonni ~ I appreciate you responding to me! I was afraid someone would take my post wrong and be offended. I think it is inspiring that you are so devoted to your marriage. I think few people try hard to make it really work these days ~ they always want the easy out. Only you can decide when you have had enough and feel like you have done all you can. I just didn't understand the tone (not yours) that women had to sacrifice their happiness and self esteem so that their husbands wouldn't feel bad about their choices in life. As I said before, I feel marriage is a two way street, and even though one partner is usually bending more than the other (and usually switches between the two), there should be a balance and one person shouldn't be suffering indefinitely at the expense of another. We are all entitled to be happy, and sometimes that might include tough choices to get to the point. A lot of single, working women are perfectly happy with their choice to be that way. I hope you find your true happiness. |
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blueroses
True Blue Farmgirl
1323 Posts
Debbie
in the Pandhandle of
Idaho
USA
1323 Posts |
Posted - Nov 20 2006 : 09:38:37 AM
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Hi Jonni,
I have to say that I've been through these things in the past and even saw it in my parent's marriage. My dad was bipolar and my mom just got tough for us kids and was the breadwinner. She never had the strength to stand up to his destructive behaviour and I think I got into the same type of situation in my first marriage. Like Jill says - two people have to be in the marriage. I'm Catholic and we are supposed to be together forever once married. He wouldn't go to counseling - he wouldn't give me money and I had two kids to take care of. Finally I had to take the step. I'm hoping that you don't reach that point. I went for help to my church and was totally blown away when I was told pretty much what Jill has said. It was very hard to end things, but I was much better off in the end.
PS: Have been married to my current husband for 10+ years. We are a team in all ways. There are some things he won't do - clean bathroom so he does other things - laundry, dishes. There are some things I won't do (unless I have to) and we share the load. I never thought I would be this happy. My children are grown now, but we are giving them the example of how a marriage can and should be.
I hope this works for you. I truly do. We are all here for you. Just be aware that there is hope one way or the other.
"You cannot find peace...by avoiding life."
Virginia Woolfe |
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Past Blessings
True Blue Farmgirl
1083 Posts
Brenda
Orchard Prairie
WA
USA
1083 Posts |
Posted - Nov 20 2006 : 10:45:36 AM
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Hi Jonni,
First of all let me offer my heart felt support and compassion to you. I really think there is a reason why money is referred to as "the root of all evil". Not because it in itself is bad, but because of what it does to us in our actions and responses. The anger, frustration, etc. that comes from either the lack of or mis-use of seems to have more power than most issues we deal with relationally.
When I started the thread about speaking blessings to our husbands, please know it was not because my husband is a sinless, perfect provider who looks like George Clooney! LOL! He is just an average guy who works hard and frequently makes stupid mistakes and is often insensitive. In other words, he is just like most of ours husbands! LOL! But I do need to focus on the good and not the bad, and that was really the main gest of my post. We ned to be cheerleaders even when it looks like they are losing the game!
That being said, it sounds like your issue has reached a "crisis" point. Your husband is not taking on the role of provider as he should and it is compromising your respect for him. It has been commonly stated by "the experts" such as James Dobson, Dr. Phil, etc. that respect and love go hand and hand. If you lose respect for your husband, it is hard to keep the feelings of love going. That is why it is SO important that you take action. Your husband needs counseling and accountability. Is there a group of men (church?) that could meet with him on a regular basis? My husband was in a men's acountability group for several years. They dealt with everything from finances to intimacy issues in the group and the fresh perspectives of the others really helped. It brought an objective view to things. My guess is right now your husband is feeling very bad about himself and his distancing himself from you emotionally is how he protects himself and doesn't have to deal with these feelings. A man's self esteem is very much connected to being the provider and protector of his family. When he is not within this God-given responsibility, he cannot have peace. Until he steps up to the plate, he never will. Please seek out a church and find a pastor to talk to about your issue. You might be very surprised by the amount of support and encouragement you will find. In the meantime, you need to be praying for your husband that he will realize how much God loves him and that he will see the need to be the man God has made him to be. But that is really the extent of it. You can not force him to change. If you badger him, it will simply heighten the situation and cause him to become angry and defensive. Asking him daily what he made, is just driving a wedge. Another thought would be to all go to consumer counseling or consumer debt services. These are non-profit organizations that offer financial counseling, will set up budgets, offer career and job change counseling and can even go to bat for you to get creditors to drop interest rates and lower monthly payments.
Stop beating yourself up . . . you have been a good and supportive wife. You are now at a crisis point and this means now is when you stop being an island and instead reach out and let people help you. If I was closer to you, I'd be driving right over with cookies and tea and a large dose of encouragement. You are in my prayers!
Brenda
Past Blessings . . . Celebrating Life as it used to be . . . when people loved God, loved their families and loved their country. |
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KYgurlsrbest
True Blue Farmgirl
4853 Posts
Jonni
Elsmere
Kentucky
USA
4853 Posts |
Posted - Nov 27 2006 : 1:03:59 PM
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Update! I just got off the phone with my husband and he's going to be working 7 days a week through Christmas, working Saturday nights, and picking up Christmas parties Sunday Evening and Monday Evening (the restaurant is only open those evenings for private parties). I'm really happy, but am trying not to get my hopes up--it's still iffy, but he actually did something about our situation. I really haven't talked with him about it since my last posts, and I've been really trying to stay positive, no innuendo, being conservative and trying to remember what it was like to just be happy with each other, without the material things involved...now, that isn't to say I sleep through the night, or that when I first open my eyes, I'm not thinking about bills, but I've been better to HIM. Last night, he mentioned casually that he was going to put in a resume and application at another dining establishment to work nights because he felt let down by his current employer. She recently hired two new servers and a new host, instead of providng more shifts to loyal employees who really need the cash. Today, he told her that he needed to get out on time because he was going to the other restaurant to apply! She got all discombobulated and suddenly, he's got more shifts and on the nights when you make money!
Thanks for all the positive enforcement and advice. I'm really looking forward to rebuilding my respect and our relationship. I never thought I'd look this forward to paying bills!!!!
Just think of all of the roads there are...all of the things I haven't seen....yet. |
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ktknits
True Blue Farmgirl
582 Posts
Kathy
Northwest Indiana
USA
582 Posts |
Posted - Nov 27 2006 : 2:02:18 PM
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Good for you!! I've been thinking & praying about your situation. I'm glad it's taken a positive turn--let's just hope the momentum keeps going!
Farmgirl (((Hugs!!)))
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Family Matters: Feeling bad, money issues in marriage |
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Feeling bad, money issues in marriage
