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Parenting & Farm Kids:  Parenting teens.........any advice?  |
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Thistlewoodmanor
True Blue Farmgirl
51 Posts
Deb
Geneva
IA
USA
51 Posts |
 Posted - Sep 07 2008 : 5:08:25 PM
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I"m really struggling with parenting my oldest son right now. He'll be 17 in a week, and he's very angry and frustrated with life in general. He says he hates living on the farm (he loved it when we moved here four years ago), and that's mostly because he doesn't like riding the bus or having me to take him to town to see his friends. I'm frustrated because he's making poor choices. Last year I told him I wouldn't pay for Driver's ed for him unless he had at least a C average in school (he's quite capable of B's and A's). He flunked two classes and got D's in the rest and was shocked that I stuck to my guns and didn't pay for drivers ed like all his friends parents. I also told him that in order to get a car he'd have to pay for his license and registration and insurance, so he should get a job and I'd take him to work every day. He filled out applications, but when they called he turned them down or didn't go for an interview. I was even given a car that needs some mechanical work and I offered to give it to him for free if he had the money to get it fixed, but he doesn't do it. So.......it's his own fault that he doesn't have transportation but he blames it on me. He's a junior this year and I'm really concerned about how he's going to graduate, let alone go to college, get a job, etc. Any suggestions?
Deb
www.thistlewoodmanor.typepad.com |
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emsmommy5
True Blue Farmgirl
1547 Posts
Angie
Buckley
WA
USA
1547 Posts |
Posted - Sep 08 2008 : 07:45:33 AM
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SOundlike you are doing a good job setting boundaries and having legitimate consequences. The biggest part of the problem is that he's 17.
So my best advice is to pick your battles and remember that YOU do not have to become emotionally involved. You offered a vehicle, he's gotta earn the money and fix it. If he whines about not having "wheels" point to the car that's available for him, but don't even say a word.
With my kids, the LESS lecture, the better. The less mom "upset" the better. Reasonable battles, reasonable consequences, no big emotional outbursts, generally a "this will pass" attitude, etc..
Farmgirl #208
What are you doing with your dash? |
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graciegreeneyes
True Blue Farmgirl
3107 Posts
Amy Grace
Rosalia
WA
USA
3107 Posts |
Posted - Sep 08 2008 : 07:56:06 AM
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I definitely second Angie's advice. It is so hard to feel like you are doing the right thing sometimes but I really admire you for being consistent with what you say and do. That is a valuable life lesson for your son which he will learn sooner or later. I have teenagers now and I get so frustrated that they won't learn from my mistakes - I'm sure my parents felt the same way. I had to do everything the hard way, but eventually I learned my lessons. You are doing a good job!! Unfortunately you don't get instant results on anything with teenagers.
Try and look for anything positive he is doing and focus on that when you think about him!! It will help remind you why you like him - believe me I have had to practice that little trick a few times
Amy Grace
Farmgirl #224
"use it up, wear it out, make it do, or do without" |
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nut4fabric
True Blue Farmgirl
885 Posts
Kathy
Morgan Hill
CA
USA
885 Posts |
Posted - Sep 08 2008 : 08:05:17 AM
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Deb, 15 years ago I could have been writing the exact same thing you just did. The car sat in the driveway his entire senior year of school, he graduated (barely) without a license. He was very capable of getting decent grades and chose not to. He was told that after graduation he had a couple of choices....work full time, work part time go to school part time, school full time, or the military. He chose the Navy and that's where he is today, doing very well. He has told us that he regrets the lack of effort he put forth in school. So stick to your guns, don't back down even when it would be easier and there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Kathy |
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Aunt Jenny
True Blue Farmgirl
11381 Posts
Jenny
middle of
Utah
USA
11381 Posts |
Posted - Sep 08 2008 : 08:13:31 AM
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Sounds to me like you are doing all the right things Deb. I have three grown boys..some were easier teenagers than others but they all knew that I wasn't going to back down if I had given them a "goal" to get something big like driver's ed or like that. They all turned out great in the end and appreciate that I stuck to my guns. Yours will too eventually. The teenage years are for sure the hardest..and I have one there (almost 14 and three right behind her...yikes!) again. I feel for ya. Sounds like YOU are doing great though. Hang in there!
Jenny in Utah
Proud Farmgirl sister #24
Inside me there is a skinny woman crying to get out...but I can usually shut her up with cookies
http://www.auntjennysworld.blogspot.com/ visit my little online shop at www.auntjenny.etsy.com |
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karla kay
Farmgirl in Training
39 Posts
Karla
Lewistown
MT
USA
39 Posts |
Posted - Sep 08 2008 : 3:19:33 PM
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Hey Deb, I have a 16 year old and I am right there with you. It is hard to do, but stick with it. Stand by what you say. Don't give in or up. I think at times I would trade the teenage years for the terrible two's. Your doing a great job. Keep it up!!
Karla
Farmgirl sister #331 |
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MagnoliaWhisper
True Blue Farmgirl
2817 Posts
Heather
Haysville
Kansas
USA
2817 Posts |
Posted - Sep 08 2008 : 3:59:14 PM
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lol I only have one, and she will be two tomorrow. However, I am number 4 of 16 (yes sixteen), and with some of my teen brothers, I would rather have my two year old stay two forever, then a teen! lol haha All my brothers have came out the other side (of teendom) great, but ack, they are some scary years! lol Heck I don't even want to be a teen again! (I'm 32!). lol
http://www.heathersprairie.blogspot.com |
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deeredawn
True Blue Farmgirl
2306 Posts
Dawn
Cordova
TN
USA
2306 Posts |
Posted - Sep 08 2008 : 4:07:38 PM
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Mine will be 16 this October. She moved out and in with her dad when she was 14 because I was "too strict". Since then, she has been in and out of trouble and is constantly rewarded for bad behavior. She has made a lot of bad choices because her father lets her. The lining in this all is that, now, that she is getting older, she misses being out in the country and having "real" friends. Every time she comes to visit the same kids she was in 3rd grade with are here to visit with her. Where she lives its very urban and the kids are quite fickle and turn on a dime on you. I'm not saying that all urban kids are theat way. (Her school is unreal. Very into what you wear and who you hang out with) All I can say is hind sight is 20/20. He WILL grow out of this. I'm not saying mine has completely...all I'm saying is that she is REALIZING some things...I figure about the time she is 25 she will be a half way decent person! Kids are selfish these days, and they want everything handed to them and a very select few will work for or towards anything. You are not giving in to his wims (so it seems). I didnt either and I think in the long run that will be what they remember. Hang in there. I hear it does get better! Hugs!
Dawn M. Sista #279 (big grin!)
http://harvestthymefarm.blogspot.com
http://gypsycowgirlcreations.blogspot.com
"I figure if a girl wants to be a legend, she should go ahead and be one!"...Calamity Jane |
Edited by - deeredawn on Sep 08 2008 4:17:50 PM |
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willowtreecreek
True Blue Farmgirl
4813 Posts
Julie
Russell
AR
USA
4813 Posts |
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deeredawn
True Blue Farmgirl
2306 Posts
Dawn
Cordova
TN
USA
2306 Posts |
Posted - Sep 09 2008 : 07:33:42 AM
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Ummm... I think I got a little trigger happy when typing the word "country". Yikes. I've since went back and edited it. Whoopsie. Thank goodness for the edit option.... I'm embarressed!
Dawn M. Sista #279 (big grin!)
http://harvestthymefarm.blogspot.com
http://gypsycowgirlcreations.blogspot.com
"I figure if a girl wants to be a legend, she should go ahead and be one!"...Calamity Jane |
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Marybeth
True Blue Farmgirl
6418 Posts
Mary Beth
Stanwood
Wa 98292
USA
6418 Posts |
Posted - Sep 09 2008 : 08:19:42 AM
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It sounds like you are sticking to you guns and that is what one has too do. Just don't give in and don't let them call your bluff. In other words don't be bluffing. I have 4 daughters--all teenagers at the same time--all grown up today and pretty nice people. It will happen. My youngest just told me she sure appreciated the way she was brought up. That made me feel real good.
www.strawberryhillsfarm.blogspot.com
www.day4plus.blogspot.com www.holyhouses-day4plus.blogspot.com
"Life may not be the party we hoped for...but while we are here we might as well dance!" |
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deeredawn
True Blue Farmgirl
2306 Posts
Dawn
Cordova
TN
USA
2306 Posts |
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knittingmom
True Blue Farmgirl
665 Posts
AnneMarie
Edmonton
Alberta
Canada
665 Posts |
Posted - Sep 19 2008 : 11:30:54 AM
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The teenage years are tough, still very much a kid and trying to be an adult. We have a 16 year old son as well.
You're very right setting boundries and consequences. He might not like it but that's life when one makes poor choices there are consequences. He will appreciate it in the long run. He'll be done school in a year and then he's off to college or the workforce. Employers won't put up with excuses and a "poor me" attitude and neither should you as has parent.
Keep talking to him (even if he just grunts in reply), pray. He knows you love him and will come around. |
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kissmekate
True Blue Farmgirl
890 Posts
Kate
Delano
Minnesota
890 Posts |
Posted - Sep 21 2008 : 10:16:37 PM
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Deb,
Mine is 17 as well-18 on Thursday, in fact.
He thought I was going to pay for everything too just because his friends parents did.
He was informed long ago that the bank of Mom is not a unending supply of fun money for him.
He doesn't have a driver's lisence either. I don't mind giving him a ride, but he does pay me gas money if whatever store isn't near anywhere that I was already going.
Stick to your guns. You are doing your job.
Too many parents are worried that their kids don't like them, so they act like a friend instead of a parent. That's why kids are so horrible now-a-days. It is sad to say, I just can't stand most kids, and I used to LOVE kids.
Don't get me wrong, I like my kids (most days- ) and I like my friends kids. I just can't stand the latte drinking-cell phone toting-attitude laden brats who have never heard the word NO in their life. Usually they are strangers.
Although, my fifteen year old cousin is just a brat. I hate visiting with her and her Mom because she is so awful.
She was whining about something at her birthday party, and I smiled at her and sweetly told her she would hate living at my house. No trips to Nordstroms or Coach purses for her at my house. AND she'd miss the bus once at my house too.
But that is a whole 'nother rant entirely...
If he wants something bad enough, he will find a way to get it.
I also told mine if he is entertaining thoughts of quitting high school or NOT going to college next fall, then he WILL get a full time job and pay a LOT in rent. Like 800 bucks a month in rent. Plus his own food, or he is out.
Well, that 800 plus food, is about what he'd make per month at a crappy job he could get here in town. 
Funny how they know EVERYTHING, isn't it?
Don't miss out on a blessing, just because it isn't packaged the way you expected. ~MaryJo Copeland |
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ruralfarmgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
4309 Posts
Rene'
Prosser
WA
USA
4309 Posts |
Posted - Sep 22 2008 : 06:40:18 AM
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Hey Deb,
I have 4 boys (22,21,17,11).... It sounds like your doing it right! I agree with the others don't "engage" in the guilt. He isn't driving because HE isn't choosing to. He knows what he needs to do in order to get to drive and when he wants it bad enough he will choose to "get 'er done". We didn't just hand it over to our kids either and for what it is worth I still think it was the right way to go.
Rene~Prosser Farmgirl #185
http://farmchicksfarm.blogspot.com/
"Despite the gardener's best intentions, Nature will improvise. ~Michael P. Garafalo
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Parenting & Farm Kids: Parenting teens.........any advice? |
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Parenting teens.........any advice?
