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 No-longer empty nest, advice?
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Cindy Lou
True Blue Farmgirl

2325 Posts

Susan
Lonsdale MN
USA
2325 Posts

Posted - Dec 11 2015 :  09:28:44 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Our kids have grown up and are on their own. We've had several pleasant years of "just the two of us". That has now changed.

In October we received a phone call of a nephew in trouble and homeless. He hasn't known his dad since he was a small child. His Mom passed away several years ago, he's in the process of a divorce, he had no one else to turn to. He asked if he could stay with us until his disability check came in. Well, now it's 1 1/2 months later and no end in sight. There just isn't any low income housing available in the area. DH's attempts at helping him find work or training haven't produced any fruit.

His benefits require he pay rent so we agreed on $200 per month so that is something. My concern now that its seeming more permanent is that I don't want to be the maid and cook without him pulling a share of the work around here.
Has anyone else had a child or other family member move in and experience in making it more fair? I don't want to be resentful, but it IS more work with another person in the mix. Do you have any suggestions of reasonable "work requirements"? I believe he will do what is required of him without complaint but he is NOT a self-starter, if you know what I mean.
He is doing his own laundry, which is a start. He takes his own dishes to the kitchen after meals, but my kids did that with dishes when they were 3 years old! I don't know how to "train" an adult who seems to have never had to take care of himself!


"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"
Mary Oliver

Audra Rose
True Blue Farmgirl

1164 Posts

Vanessa
Brooksville KY
USA
1164 Posts

Posted - Dec 11 2015 :  12:44:40 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
My two adult children live at home. They are responsible for cleaning and furnishing extras in their rooms. My daughter does laundry for herself & her brother. They also clean their own bathroom and buy any special food they want. The other chores we ask them to do are "for the good of the family" type like taking trash & recycling out and cutting grass. They are also good dogsitters. My husband likes to write down all this stuff so everyone knows what is expected of them.Hope things work out with your nephew.

Farmgirl Sister #6754
Doxie Mom - Everyone loves a Weiner!

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.
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cajungal
True Blue Farmgirl

2348 Posts

Catherine Farmgirl Sister #76
Houston Area Texas
2348 Posts

Posted - Dec 11 2015 :  3:51:47 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
This can be tough and awkward. Sorry you're having to deal with this.

Vanessa's hubby has a good idea by writing all the 'chores' down and everyone knows what's expected. That can seem a bit elementary on the surface, but in reality it's just a grownup to-do list. I've always been the softie, so I'm not great about making people do things. I'd much rather work with self-starters instead of asking for something to be done. So, my hubby is usually the one to be more vocal about the adult kids' lack of work around the house.

I wish there was an easy or one swoop answer for you. The main thing is to keep communication open. You're gonna give yourself a headache and stress if you keep it inside and don't say anything. Perhaps have a weekly 'family meeting' to discuss progress and the timeline of him moving.

I hope it all works out.

Catherine
Sister #76 (2005)
One of the best compliments from one of my daughters: "Moma, you smell good...like dirt.

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Cindy Lou
True Blue Farmgirl

2325 Posts

Susan
Lonsdale MN
USA
2325 Posts

Posted - Dec 12 2015 :  01:29:31 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Thanks for responding, Catherine and Audra Rose. We do keep a job list on a whiteboard for ourselves so including things for him would be a good idea and also if we "discuss" what needs to be done. He will occasionally volunteer for things but we could make it more clear what he can do.
Directions have to be quite specific. One day I had to leave right after a meal I said, "Can you take another load from the table to the kitchen?" That is exactly what he did, one trip and then disappeared when I could have used more help, but he DID do what I asked. I need to be more specific about what and "how much" needs to be done and when. Teaching our kids responsibility as they are growing up wasn't a problem for me but its hard to adjust to dealing with an adult we didn't raise who just doesn't seem to know what seems basic to me.
I know I tend to just "do it myself" instead of saying what needs to be done, but then can feel irritated.
Thanks for reminding me that talking about a timeline is a good idea.

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"
Mary Oliver
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guineahen
True Blue Farmgirl

86 Posts

Andrea
Hawley Pa
USA
86 Posts

Posted - Dec 12 2015 :  04:41:02 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Okay, I may come off sounding like a ----, but I am seeing this differently. Maybe it is my experience with my brother-also on disability, or with volunteer experience with people who are mentally ill, homeless, or incarcerated. Or maybe I am just mean. It would help to know the nature of his disability and past work history. I'd also like to know what he is doing with all his time and if he has any addiction issues. There are a lot of people who feel they are entitled to be taken care of, by the government or whomever they can get. They will not change because they don't feel like putting effort into life. My brother falls into this category and having him in our home was very bad for our health and marriage. Even our grown children stopped visiting. And it did my brother no good because he didn't mature any-he was already over fifty. He is using others now. Could your situation be similar?
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cajungal
True Blue Farmgirl

2348 Posts

Catherine Farmgirl Sister #76
Houston Area Texas
2348 Posts

Posted - Dec 14 2015 :  07:01:39 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Andrea, you make very good and valid points and what you're saying isn't mean at all. It's being realistic. The situation could turn into mooching and enabling. Susan, you do need to keep your eyes open.

Catherine
Sister #76 (2005)
One of the best compliments from one of my daughters: "Moma, you smell good...like dirt.

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Cindy Lou
True Blue Farmgirl

2325 Posts

Susan
Lonsdale MN
USA
2325 Posts

Posted - Dec 14 2015 :  4:49:54 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Andrea, I don't your comments as mean, just your experience shows another side to the issue. He is 49 years old and has received disability payments all his adult life, issues as a sponsor bifida hhbaby, 2 rods in his back from a scoliosis problem, brain damage from an almost fatal auto accident, on top of that he has diabetes and early stage glaucoma. ButHis chewing tobacco habit costs money and a plastic cup spitoon is annoying but no other drug issues. He is hesitant to consider a job for fear of losing medical benefits. A friend has suggested some housing possibilities we will check.



"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"
Mary Oliver
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Bonnie Ellis
True Blue Farmgirl

2450 Posts

Bonnie
Minneapolis Minnesota
USA
2450 Posts

Posted - Dec 14 2015 :  7:12:19 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Cindy Lou, I sympathy size with you, but be really careful or you could be his caretaker "forever". He needs direction from a social worker or some other professional. Short term attention is one thing, but just be careful for yourselves as polder adults. You need to take care of you as a couple. I mean that in the most kind way.

grandmother and orphan farmgirl
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