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Family Matters:  Yet another Farmgirl with guy problems  |
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22944 Posts
22944 Posts |
 Posted - Oct 16 2006 : 7:39:22 PM
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Okay ladies- This is going to be a long long message so please be prepared, but I really need some level headed insight into this situation and I not quite comfortable telling my mom all of this right now.
Doug and I went to High School together. We were really good friends, and I always had wanted to date him, but whenever he was available I wasn't. He didn't date much at all because he has this birthmark on his face and one arm- The kids in our town were pretty cruel- but it never made much difference to me. I joined Speech and Debate because he asked and we were in choir together.
Anyway- During a semester off of his college career due to lump removal surgery for him, we decided to date- I was in my senior year of high school. We had an extremely blissful 6 months during his semester off (including me sneaking into his house at night!) and then he went to college. During that semester I would drive to two hours to visit him over weekends at the college. Again everything was blissful.
When I graduated I went to the same community college. During the first semester- Doug rented an apartment with a friend (on campus). It seemed that our communication really broke down. We were still dating but hardly ever saw each other. We started fighting more (honeymoon over). We worked it out each time but things were no longer so rosey. At the end of that school year we decided to move to Moscow, ID. At first since we had been having problems I suggested we get seperate apartments, but he convinced me to move in with him.
So for the first month or so everything was pretty cool. There was alot of adjustments and such. Then we started having fights again. One day I came home to find our phone bill and on it was a $40 bill to a 1-900 number! Not only did he NOT ask me if this was okay behavior he just let me find it without any sort of prep!
We had a horrible fight and I about turned around and went home then. But I was tied into a lease with him. We ended up working it out but it was really a hard time. About this same time he started hanging out with some people from work whom he had never even tried to introduce me to. They even lived in the same apartment area (just across the street from us). Doug and I worked totally different shifts and when he wasn't working he was hanging out with these girls from work. He kept telling me they were just friends but the fact that he wouldn't introduce me really wierded me out.
Also by this point, Doug had turned 21 so he would go out to the bars while I was not yet 21. Then we moved to the next apartment and I got pregnant. Then I miscarried and all the problems that had seemed to go away while I was pregnant just rushed right back. Doug wouldn't touch me at all (in bed) and I asked him to lay off the porn because I felt it was impacting our relationship. He said he would- but then one night I caught him up to his old tricks.
At this point we moved to yet another new apartment and things seemed to go okay for a while- other than the fact that he was still downloading all sorts of porn off the internet.
Again we moved to a new apartment and one day he left his email logged in on our shared computer. Things had been kindof weird so I snooped. And what did I find? Oh yes- he had been talking with a local area escort making plans to meet in Spokane! He even had pictures of her on the hard drive!
I confronted him and fessed up to snooping but wanted to know what exactly HAD he been thinking. He told me it was "just a fantasy" and that he had never intended to "do anything about it". We had horrible fights about it.
When we moved in to the next apartment things were really tense because we had decided to live with roommates for a year. Again one day he was gone but had left his MSN messenger running. Again he had been acting weird so I snooped. In his email he had a running corrospondence with this girl in Canada where he said things like "I wish you were my girlfriend" and talked about how much more wonderful this girl was as opposed to me. She even sent him highly provacative photos.
I confronted him about it. He told me this story where he had been introduced to the girl via an old friend. The old friend asked Doug to have a suedo relationship with this girl to make her feel "special" because she was suicidal. He said he did not tell me about it because he thought I wouldn't understand.
So then in this apartment (each apartment place is appoximatly a year of time by the way) I kept snooping in his email. He was sending and forwarding those "sexy" emails to his myspace friends like "What would you do with me if you could do anything for 24 hrs" or "Reply with "Hit it" if you want to sleep with me" etc. He also told me that this one co worker of his wanted to have a threesome with him and I (which I said no to) and BTW this was the second female co-worker of his that had asked to have a threesome.
Anyway in these myspace messages and such he told several girls that he would like to sleep with them and with this one girl he talked about how he would like to sleep with her even though I wasn't into it.
He always has these excuses for everything. I hate the fact that he surfs so much porn and I have asked him many many times to stop. I feel like he has had internet affairs on me. I feel stupid for having given him so many chances. He says he does not think he has done anything wrong. I admit that snooping in his email is not very nice, but I also feel that these affairs need to be found.
I am almost 4 months pregnant with his kid. I don't like the way this relationship is going, but I do think I still love him. I am pretty hurt right now and I don't really have a whole lot emotions to spare.
Am I being stupid in forgiving him so many times? Dr. Phil says internet porn is cheating but Doug doesn't see it that way. Should I leave him? My family really wants me to move back home but I am worried about having commitments in Moscow. I like the area and I have friends here, but I am scared of doing a pregnancy by myself and I don't think I could afford to pay for two rents by myself if I moved out.
What should I do? Am I stupid or is it good that I keep forgiving him? Should I give him another chance or am I just being a doormat? Should I get out and be a single mom so my kid isn't raised in a situation where they learn this behavior is okay?
ALL comments are welcome. |
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~Tracey~
True Blue Farmgirl
351 Posts
Tracey
TN
USA
351 Posts |
Posted - Oct 16 2006 : 8:02:35 PM
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Alyssa,
I will never say you are stupid!!!!!!! It is good to forgive but you do not have to allow anyone to treat you that way, EVER!! I think you are totally being a doormat and I would either seek council or try a seperation. I cannot believe that I am suggesting seperation but it doesn't sound as though he will go to a counselor with you. Whatever you decide to do it will be a HUGE adjustment and it will be sad in some ways. If you leave, it will be sad to leave the familiar. BUT, you do have a supportive family and you should not turn away from that.
I am speaking from experience and one very similar to yours. I left, but only after our child turned 4. I had a long road of healing. I was so thankful and blessed to have a family to help me pick up the pieces!! Wish I had left when they had asked me too, much earlier on.
I do agree that porn is cheating. PERIOD. Any thoughts, whether in fantasy or not, of someone other than your spouse, is cheating.
((HUGS)) in all this. It will not be easy but if you cannot work it out, new friends will be made, those who love you will remain your friends no matter where you are.
ETA: and your baby will have a happier mama and that is of utmost importance. My mom always says, "Happy parents make happy babies!!"
Tracey,
mama to Callum 13, Katie 8, Wil 5.5, Benjamin 3 and Andrew 6 months!!
http://hansenhootenanny.blogspot.com/ |
Edited by - ~Tracey~ on Oct 16 2006 8:04:53 PM |
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susan kate
True Blue Farmgirl
109 Posts
susan
Western Washington
109 Posts |
Posted - Oct 16 2006 : 9:18:44 PM
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Dear Alee, I had all kinds of things to say to you, but I have a feeling that you already know the answer. If this were the kind of environment that you felt good about bringing a child into or, for that matter, living in yourself, you wouldn't be here asking us what to do. You would know because it felt right to you.
Sometimes situations make us feel seasick because that's their nature. We feel like we're in a storm because there is very little stability. Navigating our way safely away from them, if we have the option, is often very difficult, but in the long run the best choice.
It sounds like your family is giving you an option. I hope that you will be kind to yourself and go with what is best and safest for you and your child. You and your baby deserve much, much (really a whole lot) better than a little party boy who is addicted to porn and can't keep his pants on. This is not a life you would want for your child.
Please keep us posted.
susan
ps I wanted to add that I don't think you are stupid. We all need to be reminded of what the priorities are. |
Edited by - susan kate on Oct 16 2006 9:21:36 PM |
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Leezard
True Blue Farmgirl
950 Posts
Elizabeth
Novi
MI
USA
950 Posts |
Posted - Oct 17 2006 : 06:26:15 AM
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I would echo what Susan and Tracey have said. I don't believe that you are stupid, just have a perspective that's a bit skewed because of your relationship with this man. It is sad that someone we love so much doesn't seem to love us back and then they do something to hurt us so deeply, especially when they know it hurts us. With him choosing to continue this situation over and over it's hard to believe that he'll be willing to seek help in changing after all these years.
I very much agree with Susan that you already have the answer to this situation or you at the very least know it's not a healthy situation to bring a child into at this time or you wouldn't be questioning it. I am glad that you are questioning it and it is good to hear that you have family that is pulling for you as well. I've come to learn that love isn't everything it's cracked up to be and love isn't all that's needed to make a relationship work...oh that it could be that easy... I hope that you will keep questioning where you are until you find an answer that is healthy for both you and your child and then that you'll take the action necessary so you can both be safe and happy!
Please let us know how things are going and know that you are in my thoughts!
Liz |
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Aunt Jenny
True Blue Farmgirl
11381 Posts
Jenny
middle of
Utah
USA
11381 Posts |
Posted - Oct 17 2006 : 06:53:35 AM
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Of course you arn't stupid!! I think you are probably sweet and forgiving (more than you need to be in this case!!) I am so glad you have family willing to be supportive..so many gals don't. I agree..porn is for sure cheating no matter how you look at it..and he has taken it much further than just looking!!
For the sake of your child and YOU you need to really look at the situation and make a decision.
I was so in love with my first husband and so wanted things to work out (different issues..but still) that I stayed for 11 years ..until our kids were 7 and 9 and I realized one day after an incident that it was really affecting my boys..so I made my plan and left. It was very hard but I knew, and still know, that I did the right thing. Long story short..things work out for the best...lots of drama at the time..but you need to do what is right for you and the baby.
I will sure keep you in my thoughts and prayers!
Jenny in Utah
Inside me there is a skinny woman crying to get out...but I can usually shut her up with cookies
http://www.auntjennysworld.blogspot.com/ visit my little online shop at www.auntjenny.etsy.com |
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Miss Bee Haven
True Blue Farmgirl
4331 Posts
Janice
Louisville/Irvington
Kentucky
USA
4331 Posts |
Posted - Oct 17 2006 : 07:11:37 AM
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In my experience(and I have had more than a little), compulsive liars never 'get better'. The internet porn thing is a form of addiction. And you are far from stupid. There is a voice inside you, inside your heart and your head, that is making you question this relationship. You are lucky to have a supportive family. Maybe now is the time to let them be there for you. Please keep us posted and know that there are women who have never met you who are standing beside you, nevertheless.
"If you think you've got it nailed down, then what's all that around it?" - 'Brother Dave' Gardner |
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22944 Posts
22944 Posts |
Posted - Oct 17 2006 : 07:42:13 AM
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Thanks ladies-
You all a right.
The hardest thing is I know he has never physically cheated on me so I guess in my mind I had been more willing to let the other stuff be forgiven. That along with the fact that he really can be the sweetest and kindest guy has gotten us through alot.
But I don't want our kid to think that it is okay to treat women like this. I do NOT want to be the mother of one of those guys that views women as disposable items or a girl that dreams of being a Las Vegas Show Girl (or worse).
I think that I will move home as soon as I get this insurance thing wrapped up, hopefully get a deposition so I don't have to appear as a witness to the courts and hopefully find some way to support myself while living with my parents so I can pay my half of the rent.
Would I be stupid to entertain the idea of going to counseling and working on our relationship? I just don't want to drop everything and run- I feel that we owe each other more than that.
Anyways Thoughts and Opinions? |
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Luzy
True Blue Farmgirl
922 Posts
Luanne
Pueblo
Colorado
USA
922 Posts |
Posted - Oct 17 2006 : 08:21:32 AM
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Oh you sweetie pie! I'm so sorry you are going through this and pregnant ta boot!! As far as the counseling, I'd suggest you seek some professional help for YOU. As for him, I'm not sure he is ready to admit he has a problem and is willing to work on it. Is he?? If not, there isnt much to work with. But then maybe this is the wake up call he needs. I don't know. Here's a little story:
Many years ago my husband told me this story: He was standing around at break time with a bunch of his male co workers talking. The new guy asked one of the other guys if he was married. His reply was "my wife is"!! Everyone thought it was soooo funny, except my husband. That remark spoke volumes to me about that guy as well as my husband. I guess what I'm trying to say is that you can't be the only viable responsible one in a commited relationship. You can't fix this alone. It takes two at 100 percent as Dr. Phil says, not fifty fifty. I hope you find some peace of mind soon for you and your little one. I admire you for looking at the big picture and trying to find a solution. You are a brave Farmgirl. We are all here for you! Big hugs, Lu
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May I always be the kind of person my dog thinks I am. |
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BarefootGoatGirl
True Blue Farmgirl
1495 Posts
Corrine
North Carolina
USA
1495 Posts |
Posted - Oct 17 2006 : 08:25:17 AM
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Alee,
What you have been going through has been very painful and you have kept on fighting for your man, but for now you have to think of your baby. Maybe once you move out you and Doug can work on a few things, but unless you lay it out loud and clear that what he is doing is unacceptable he seems to be the type that will keep using you. YES, PORNOGRAPHY IS CHEATING
'
Be thou diligent to know the state of thy flocks, and look well to thy herds. Proverbs 27:23 |
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BarefootGoatGirl
True Blue Farmgirl
1495 Posts
Corrine
North Carolina
USA
1495 Posts |
Posted - Oct 17 2006 : 08:30:49 AM
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my computer submitted with out my consent...
Pornography is cheating and what Doug has been doing seems to be much more than looking. My husband and I are currently rebuilding after some pornography issues, but it is hard and he was not nearly as involved as Doug. I'll keep you in my prayers, feel free to email me if you need some support.
Love and Hugs, Trina
'
Be thou diligent to know the state of thy flocks, and look well to thy herds. Proverbs 27:23 |
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22944 Posts
22944 Posts |
Posted - Oct 17 2006 : 08:45:45 AM
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Hi ladies-
I just went and spied on his internet history. For the first time practically in EVER his history had NO porno sites!
Yesterday I went to Dr. Phil's website and forwarded Doug an article called "Pornography is Cheating"
In Doug's history it showed that he had been looking around Dr. Phil's site and looking at other articles about relationships and infidelity.
Since I am going to have to stay here for a month or so more to finish up some business I think I will tell him that we have to go to therapy. If he isn't willing to work on our relationship then that is my answer.
I am so glad that you ladies don't think I am over reacting. I really appreciate all the love and support you are giving me. |
Edited by - Alee on Oct 17 2006 08:47:29 AM |
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BarefootGoatGirl
True Blue Farmgirl
1495 Posts
Corrine
North Carolina
USA
1495 Posts |
Posted - Oct 17 2006 : 09:24:50 AM
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Alee,
That is great that he is showing an interest in your relationship. One tool that my help you is a program that sends all his internet activity into your email (I use it). If he is willing to make himself accountable to you, there may be hope.
Trina
'
Be thou diligent to know the state of thy flocks, and look well to thy herds. Proverbs 27:23 |
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Miss Bee Haven
True Blue Farmgirl
4331 Posts
Janice
Louisville/Irvington
Kentucky
USA
4331 Posts |
Posted - Oct 17 2006 : 09:51:33 AM
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Alee,
I think your idea to seek therapy/counseling is an excellent one. If he won't go with you, go alone.
"If you think you've got it nailed down, then what's all that around it?" - 'Brother Dave' Gardner |
Edited by - Miss Bee Haven on Oct 17 2006 10:34:44 AM |
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mommom
True Blue Farmgirl
854 Posts
Susan
Lancaster
Pennsylvania
USA
854 Posts |
Posted - Oct 17 2006 : 10:02:49 AM
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You are not stupid....I think brave is a good word to describe you. You want to make it work for you and your sweet baby. When men cheat on us, they can make it sound so legitimate that sometimes we may think that we provoked this or somehow led them to it. Porn is cheating. Writing to other women on the internet about sexual things is cheating. You are brave to send him the thing about Dr. Phil, too! What guts! There is a saying that I learned a long time ago and maybe it will help you?
"Sometimes you've got to do what you don't want to do to get where you want to be. " Many hugs to you. Susan |
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Past Blessings
True Blue Farmgirl
1083 Posts
Brenda
Orchard Prairie
WA
USA
1083 Posts |
Posted - Oct 17 2006 : 10:31:08 AM
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It sounds like you have more downs than ups in this relationship and it is obvious he has no intention of staying faithful. If he is like this now, it will only go downhill as the realities of life (kids, you gaining weight from kids, financial stress, etc.) continue. He needs to be someone that will be there through and through. While it sad that the pregnacy has happened during such an unsettled time, the pregnancy itself can be a great blessing and certainly all children are a blessing. But, you are not married to this man and his commitment is certainly not what it should be. So honestly, I think you deserve better. But in order to get better, you need to believe you deserve more. God made you in HIS image. You are special. No one should be made to feel second rate by their boyfriend. He needs help. I guess you don't need to totally slam the door on him, but I would definitely go to your family and make it clear that you want a long term marriage with one who can give you a total commitment. A committment to you only. Not to be judging or anything like that, but this is an example of why I think living together without a sacred commitment does not work. He gets what he wants without any further obligation. I am not saying this from a moral stand point even so much as you have no protection, no commitment, nothing to protect you and nothing to make him see the importance of working on the relationship and being in it for the long haul. You are no longer children. You are a soon to be parent. He needs to either step up to the plate with full commitment, get the counseling he needs and marry you or he needs to say goodbye. You just deserve so much more. Cyber hugs coming your way!
Brenda
Past Blessings . . . Celebrating Life as it used to be . . . when people loved God, loved their families and loved their country. |
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Phils Ann
True Blue Farmgirl
1095 Posts
Ann
Parsonsburg
Maryland
USA
1095 Posts |
Posted - Oct 17 2006 : 2:18:56 PM
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Hey, Alee,
Everyone's given you such good advise. It's great that he's looking into Dr. Phil's site for some help, but I do agree: set your sights high, and if he's willing (and proves it, doesn't just say what he thinks you want to hear) to get counseling and to agree that porn is actually adultery, then you may have a chance that he's real in his desire to change. But if you let your standard slide, you're going to see him slide back into the addiction. I think it IS addiction, too. I'm so glad your family is behind you in this. Meanwhile, I hope you're committed, yourself, to abstinence, and will remain so until you have an equally committed man who marries you. I wish you the very best and will pray for you.
Ann
There is a Redeemer. |
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Mumof3
True Blue Farmgirl
3890 Posts
Karin
Ellenwood
GA
USA
3890 Posts |
Posted - Oct 17 2006 : 3:23:38 PM
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Alee- I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I don't think that men (or women) realize the trap that has been laid for them with internet pornography. It does not take any time at all before they are hooked in and getting out is a very long process. It is such a scary thing to see how it changes people right before your eyes, and they don't see it themselves. Good for you for taking the bold move. I hope that for your sake things work out the way that you want them to. And that Doug can regain control over his own life. I wish you the best.
Karin |
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22944 Posts
22944 Posts |
Posted - Oct 18 2006 : 2:55:29 PM
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Hi Ladies-
I broached the idea with Doug about couples therapy. He is willing if we can find someplace we can afford. I am sure the help is out there so I am determined to find it! I really care for this guy as he can be wonderful and sweet. You guys got to hear all about the bad stuff- the the good stuff is definatly there too. But even more than I want to fix this for us- I want to give my baby every chance to have a complete and healthy household.
However I still stand by my decision to cut my losses and leave if there is not significant improvement. As much as I want this relationship to work, I am only one half of the whole. I am not perfect and I know we both have our issues to work on. But again- I would rather be a single mom living with my parents for a time than to raise a baby in a poisonous atmosphere.
Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers and hope that these trials will in the end make us stronger people and parents. |
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lilpunkin
True Blue Farmgirl
368 Posts
Texas
USA
368 Posts |
Posted - Oct 18 2006 : 6:35:31 PM
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I have heard it said before that pornography is more addicting then heroin because it affects more areas of the brain.
You aren't even married and he cant even commit to you now. How is he going to commit if you do get married? Will he ever be satisfied? I have so many more things to say, but I agree with some of the others that you already know the answer. The last thing you want to do is take this further when you know in your heart you shouldn't.
Although I think everyone deserves a second chance, I feel your BF has had more than his share. I think first you need to think about yourself and do what is right for you. And second but not least, take care of your baby. If you arent going to do it for you, than do it for her.
lilpunkin |
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blueroses
True Blue Farmgirl
1323 Posts
Debbie
in the Pandhandle of
Idaho
USA
1323 Posts |
Posted - Oct 19 2006 : 11:08:31 AM
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Honey,
Run, don't walk - back home to the loving arms of your family NOW.
Sorry, but this guy is not going to change and he is going to keep hurting you. I wanted to reply before I read anyone else's. He's had way too many chances. You love him? You'll learn to love someone else someday who will treat you the way that you deserve. Your baby deserves stability and it's better to go now. Email me if you like. We all care about you.
Debbie
"You cannot find peace...by avoiding life."
Virginia Woolfe |
Edited by - blueroses on Oct 19 2006 11:14:22 AM |
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blueroses
True Blue Farmgirl
1323 Posts
Debbie
in the Pandhandle of
Idaho
USA
1323 Posts |
Posted - Oct 19 2006 : 11:11:52 AM
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PS:
Luzy is right. You both have to want counseling or it won't work, but I really feel you need to start a new life. I'm sorry I'm so adamant, but I really like you and want you to be happy.
"You cannot find peace...by avoiding life."
Virginia Woolfe |
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22944 Posts
22944 Posts |
Posted - Oct 20 2006 : 7:52:21 PM
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(Wow! I didn't realize how much I had typed. Sorry it's so long ladies)
Hi Ladies!
Well I talked with Doug again today. We started to get in yet another fight and he said that he didn't understand why I wanted to put the stress on him of going to counseling with all the other things going on in his life. Which he listed as: His parents are getting a divorce, his grandfather is dying, and he is terrified of losing me.
I told him that I was right on the edge of leaving him. I told him that not only did we need to either fix the relationship or get out for us, but also for our baby to be. I told him that I did not want to raise a girl whose idea of self worth and dream was to be a hooker or show girl or porn star or something. And I did not want a boy who felt it was okay to mess around and not make any commitments in his life and treat women like they are disposable.
Over the last few days I have been so hurt by thinking about all the times we have fought and all the things that have been done in this relationship that I started to wonder if I really loved him.
Then after I told him that I was thinking of leaving him and why, he completely broke down. He started crying. Ladies- this is not a guy that cries very easily. He is very sensitive and caring but usually if he is feeling emotional he hides it by getting even colder. Well when he started crying my heart just broke. It killed me to see him so undone. Not that I didn't think he deserved it. For all the issues he has put me through a few tears and some anguish is definatly called for. But I knew that I still love this guy. I just can't walk away when someone I love is hurting so bad.
Well I went over to where is was sitting and sat with him. I told him that I did not want to leave, but that I no longer could just think about myself. I have to think like a mom and look out for what is best for me and the baby.
He said "I am so sorry for looking at those sites; I am so sorry for betraying you; and I am so sorry for flirting with other girls." He was still crying at this point and it was the first time that he really owned up to the problems involving the pornography and the issues from the internet. Every other time he always was defensive and angry. He even said at one point that they were things I percieved as his problems! So this was a huge breakthrough for him to own up to his failings and another huge breakthrough for him to appologize for them.
Well we ended up spending an hour (until he had to go to work) talking about stuff in our relationship. I told him that I think we both suffer from depression and we might need to go see counselors individually also to fix ourselves. And we might need to be evaluated for taking some sort of anti-depressant (herbal or otherwise). We talked about how it seemed that we were caught in this cycle where one of us would be depressed and pull away which would then hurt the other person causing them to pull away just as the first was just getting to a point where they could re-connect again. It seems like we have been caught in a cycle of hurting each other and pulling away from each other because we have not faced up to our problems.
We also talked about how his job is affecting his life. (He hates his job and where he is stuck in his life.) He is a truly brilliant person but has let himself believe that he isn't. He really wants to go back to college but was feeling like he couldn't--> all of this was affecting how he looked at the world.
And I have stuff to work on too. I can be demanding and bossy and pushy. I get in moods and want to be left alone and can be snipy and bitter and I hold a pretty mean grudge. Of course this is all stuff I hate to admit about myself. And I like to belive they are the lesser of my qualities but they are there. Throw in a healthy dose of self esteem issues and that can be a pretty icky mess.
Well the long and the short of it is that Doug and I made big progress today in fixing our relationship. We talked about laying down some concrete rules for our relationship. #1 is no pornography- and he agreed to it. I also told him that we have to be more open to each other. We have to talk to each other and we need to try and support each other in our trials and tribulations.
I have not totally closed the door on going home to live with my family. Doug knows that is something that I have as and option and that I am willing to do it if I deem it necessary. I even told him that I had told you ladies about what was going on and that you all were very concerned about the situation. I think he needed to know that it is not just me feeling this way.
I know that in many ways what he has done is inexcusable. And I know that even if it is painful, I should (and will) leave if there is not significant improvement. I have seen so many children raised without the love and support of both parents, and I remember how important both of my parents have always been to me. I want to give every chance to this relationship before I completely close the book on it, but I refuse to raise my child in the enviroment of this household as it stands now.
So in conclusion- after much much much consideration I have decided to give this relationship one last chance- literally ONE! Doug and I both know that we both have work to do and it is critical that we get our acts in gear.
I know some of you will still be concerned for me, and I love you for it. I love you all for being here for me when I needed advice desperatly. I hope you will all keep both Doug and I in your thoughts and prayers because we both need it! :) Doug is really an amazing guy and as crazy as it is- I still love him.
But I have a best friend in permanent standby mode from my home town. She promised to swoop in and help me move home if I ever need her too!
I will keep you guys updated. And I really am praying for guidance in this. I really trust God to help me make decisions in my life and right now I feel a peace with my decision. Now the next part if faith and good old fashioned hard work! |
Edited by - Alee on Oct 20 2006 7:53:16 PM |
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brightmeadow
True Blue Farmgirl
2045 Posts
Brenda
Lucas
Ohio
USA
2045 Posts |
Posted - Oct 21 2006 : 06:11:45 AM
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I support you in your decision - you are the person who is there and can decide what is best.
Based on my own experience I have fears for you - but they may not apply to you and your boyfriend. Just please be aware of these warning signs and symptoms of an abusive relationship from http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm - in my case I did not recognize the abuse for what it was until 10 years of marriage and two kids. Look especially at the very last question....
How do I know if I am in an abusive relationship? What are the signs and symptoms of an abusive relationship?
The more of the following questions that you answer Yes to, the more likely you are in an abusive relationship. Examine your answers and seek help if you find that you respond positively to a large number of the questions.
Your inner feelings and dialogue: Fear, self-loathing, numbness, desperation
Are you fearful of your partner a large percentage of the time?
Do you avoid certain topics or spend a lot of time figuring out how to talk about certain topics so that you do not arouse your partner’s negative reaction or anger?
Do you ever feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner?
Do you ever feel so badly about yourself that you think you deserve to be physically hurt?
Have you lost the love and respect that you once had for your partner?
Do you sometimes wonder if you are the one who is crazy, that maybe you are overreacting to your partner’s behaviors?
Do you sometimes fantasize about ways to kill your partner to get them out of your life?
Are you afraid that your partner may try to kill you?
Are you afraid that your partner will try to take your children away from you?
Do you feel that there is nowhere to turn for help?
Are you feeling emotionally numb?
Were you abused as a child, or did you grow up with domestic violence in the household? Does domestic violence seem normal to you?
Your partner’s lack of control over their own behavior
Does your partner have low self-esteem? Do they appear to feel powerless, ineffective, or inadequate in the world, although they are outwardly successful?
Does your partner externalize the causes of their own behavior? Do they blame their violence on stress, alcohol, or a “bad day”?
Is your partner unpredictable?
Is your partner a pleasant person between bouts of violence?
Your partner’s violent or threatening behavior
Does your partner have a bad temper?
Has your partner ever threatened to hurt you or kill you?
Has your partner ever physically hurt you?
Has your partner threatened to take your children away from you, especially if you try to leave the relationship?
Has your partner ever threatened to commit suicide, especially as a way of keeping you from leaving?
Has your partner ever forced you to have sex when you didn’t want to?
Has your partner threatened you at work, either in person or on the phone?
Is your partner cruel to animals?
Does your partner destroy your belongings or household objects?
Your partner’s controlling behavior
Does your partner try to keep you from seeing your friends or family?
Are you embarrassed to invite friends or family over to your house because of your partner’s behavior?
Has your partner limited your access to money, the telephone, or the car?
Does your partner try to stop you from going where you want to go outside of the house, or from doing what you want to do?
Is your partner jealous and possessive, asking where you are going and where you have been, as if checking up on you? Do they accuse you of having an affair?
Your partner’s diminishment of you
Does your partner verbally abuse you?
Does your partner humiliate or criticize you in front of others?
Does your partner often ignore you or put down your opinions or contributions?
Does your partner always insist that they are right, even when they are clearly wrong?
Does your partner blame you for their own violent behavior, saying that your behavior or attitudes cause them to be violent?
Is your partner often outwardly angry with you?
Does your partner objectify and disrespect those of your gender? Does your partner see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?
You shall eat the fruit of the labor of your hands - You shall be happy and it shall be well with you. -Psalm 128.2
Visit my blog at http://brightmeadowfarms.blogspot.com ,web site store at http://www.watkinsonline.com/fish or my homepage at http://home.earthlink.net/~brightmeadow |
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Past Blessings
True Blue Farmgirl
1083 Posts
Brenda
Orchard Prairie
WA
USA
1083 Posts |
Posted - Oct 22 2006 : 10:49:17 PM
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While I do applaud you for making the effort with your relationship, I am concerned that you are mistaking sympathy for love. It seems his crying is what changed your views on things more than anything else and this convinced you that you still love him. But honey, that is actually a way he can manipulate you. You see him as fragile and broken and then he knows you won't leave him. He is playing the "sympathy card". In most abusive relationships the man comes back being very apologetic, but eventually the same problem re-surfaces. I really think some separate time for both of you is needed. You can have time to get things in perspective and evaluate if you really do love him Sympathy is not love, other than the broad "love for all man-kind" type of love. When you see a sad story on the news or watch a sad movie, you may be brought to tears, but it doesn't mean you are in love. If you are in love the separation will help both of you to know it. If during that time he doesn't manage to keep his pants on or computer on healthy websites, please please please give it up. Now repeat after me: "I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better." Oh, and by the way, in case I didn't make it clear to begin with, you deserve better!! Hugs, prayers and kind thoughts coming your way! Brenda
Past Blessings . . . Celebrating Life as it used to be . . . when people loved God, loved their families and loved their country. |
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DaisyFarm
True Blue Farmgirl
1646 Posts
Diane
Victoria
BC
Canada
1646 Posts |
Posted - Oct 22 2006 : 11:29:22 PM
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Alyssa, are you in love with Doug or the Doug you wish he was?
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22944 Posts
22944 Posts |
Posted - Oct 23 2006 : 04:15:38 AM
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Hi Ladies-
For the past week I have been sleeping in a seperate bedroom for several reasons. First was our seperate schedules and him coming to bed late woke me. Second was I was mad at him so that made sleeping next to him hard. Third he has a cold and I am getting over mine so all of the noises that you make when you have sinus issues were waking me up along with the first reason! LOL
At first Doug was upset that I wasn't sleeping in the same bed as him- but it has been really good for both of us I think. Not only am I getting the sleep I need (except tonight because I have been all morning sicknessy for the last 24 hours...ugh) but it has given us some room and private space too.
I continue to check Doug's computer and he has not yet gone back to his old habits. He has been making a really good effort to spend time with me and to listen to what I have to say. We have had some conversations that are normally pretty difficult (money-chores etc) and we had discussions instead of one way arguments. So often Doug can be obstinate or difficult when he doesn't want to hear something- as can I LOL but we both have been making an effort on the communcation side of things.
Yes, I do love Doug. There are so many things involved in love. Yes, there is sympathy there, but there is still that spark of feeling and emotion that can only be described as love. As much as I love him, that doesn't erase all the stuff he has done or instantly make it better. Never ever once did I ever think that I _deserved_ what he was doing! But when I really get my "dander" up I can get a pretty good rage going so I always like to talk it over with friends before I really lash out.
The jury is still out on whether I will go home or not. I am still working through everything I am feeling about this hole ball of snakes. I have been thinking about everything from going home to live and have my baby, to going home for a period of time(a couple of weeks or a couple of months) to only going home on the holidays.
Right now if I completely left then I would always wonder if I made the right decision. I want to make sure that I do make the right decison before I burn any bridges. I only have one real regret in my life so far. It may seem silly but I helped rehabilitate this dog at the Humane Society named Natasha. She was a beautiful black german shepherd who came in terrified of all humans and left being able to love and adapt to new situations. Last year for my birthday Doug offered me the chance to adopt her, and I choose not to because I did not want to upset my roommates at the time. I have dreams about her and I hate the fact that I didn't adopt her when I could. Somehow I know that I will always regret not getting her, even though I hope her new home is her "forever home". Natasha was not the first nor the last of the dogs I have rehabilitated but somehow she got into my heart more than any of the others. Someday when I get a scanner I will have to upload some pictures of her for you ladies to see. :)
Anyway I guess what I am trying to say is I want to make sure I won't have any regrets about staying or going in this relationship. I can heal from being hurt or feeling stupid for having stayed too long. It's those unfinished questions/regrets that bother me at night.
Poor Natasha- She went to one home and came back to the Humane Society and then was adopted out again. I hear she got adopted to a family with two little girls (she loves kids) so I hope she is happy.
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Family Matters: Yet another Farmgirl with guy problems |
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Yet another Farmgirl with guy problems
