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Family Matters:  Yet another Farmgirl with guy problems  |
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Phils Ann
True Blue Farmgirl
1095 Posts
Ann
Parsonsburg
Maryland
USA
1095 Posts |
 Posted - Oct 23 2006 : 08:43:03 AM
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Alee, I'm praying for you both. <<<HUG>>>
Ann
There is a Redeemer. |
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celebrate2727
True Blue Farmgirl
989 Posts
Beth
MJF
Farmgirl
989 Posts |
Posted - Oct 23 2006 : 11:59:50 AM
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Alyssa- First I send you hugs and prayers. I have lived in your situation for 20 years. My husband does not have an addiction to porn, he has very low self esteem and is bi-polar. Right from the start- he was verbally abusive. It went from small stuff to big stuff, then he had a break down and went on medication and life was good, for a while. Then he decided that he was better and he quit his meds. We plummeted back into hell and I have been fighting this cycle on and off for the past 8 years. So trust me- I feel for you and support you in what ever decision you make.
Here are a few of my observations. I can see you love him. My question is can you trust in your love for him to leave him so he can get help? Can you look at the situation where if you leave him now, it may not be the "END" of things for you both. The reason I say this is when your child is born you will face many more obstacles, go through some emotional hormonal changes and have a brand new baby to handle. That in itself is alot to handle let alone have your relationship to work on. Can you take a break from each other without completely walking away?
As you can see by the ladies here you have plenty of support. Sometimes the road can be tough to walk alone. If you need a friend to walk with let me know.
blessings
beth
Dreaming of Friday Night Lights
http://blissnblossomfarm.etsy.com
http://bethsblissnblossomfarm.blogspot.com
www.blissnblossomfarm.com |
Edited by - celebrate2727 on Oct 23 2006 12:03:32 PM |
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willowtreecreek
True Blue Farmgirl
4813 Posts
Julie
Russell
AR
USA
4813 Posts |
Posted - Oct 23 2006 : 12:28:57 PM
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I dated a guy for 6 years that had similar issues. We did not live together though but went through all of this stuff. I was "checking up" on his computer and stuff but he got sneaky and went to friends houses or used his office computer and also started clearin out the computer history and deleating all of the old files. When confronted he would apologize and cry and go on and on about how sorry he was and that he wouldn't do it anymore. I believed and went back. The first year had been wonderful and I was always trying to get the old Jesse back. I was in love with the 1st year Jesse and always kept telling myself I could change him back to the way he was. He said he hadn't physicaly cheated on me and I never found any evidence that he had. Two years after I left I found out he had a four year old child! You do the math! So that was just more lies! I too found myself wondering if I left if I would regret it because I had loved him VERY deeply. But I did leave, and it hurt, sometimes 8 years later, it still does but I am SO GLAD I left. After I did I just found out more and more stuff that I was too blind to see. I am now happily married for 6 years to a wonderful guy that I am so happy I didn't lose the opportuinity to meet. There is a guy out there who is just right for you. A guy whom you will have NO DOUBTs about. If you wake up and wonder if you should be with this guy or not my advise is to RUN AWAY!!!! Right now is the best time before your child is born. Once he is born this guy will ALWAYS be in your life even if you choose for him not to be. A child born without a father is much easier than putting a child thorugh a divorce. I don't think you are stupid because I know exactly what you are feel but my advice is to GET OUT NOW!!!!!!!!! You've just got to do it. Ask questions later. Yo will hurt, you will cry but in time it WILL BE BETTER!
Jewelry, art, baskets, etc.
www.willowtreecreek.com |
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lilpunkin
True Blue Farmgirl
368 Posts
Texas
USA
368 Posts |
Posted - Oct 23 2006 : 3:06:37 PM
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Please dont take this wrong. But from reading your story about rehabilitating Natasha, it seems to me there may be a pattern there. Maybe you feel you need to "rehabilitate" Doug as well. Just something to think about.
lilpunkin |
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willowtreecreek
True Blue Farmgirl
4813 Posts
Julie
Russell
AR
USA
4813 Posts |
Posted - Oct 23 2006 : 4:45:01 PM
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You said: "It's those unfinished questions/regrets that bother me at night."
Alee, the truth is those questions may NEVER be answered. I still have a lot of questions about Jesse that aren't answered, Did you really love me? Why did you look at porn? Why did you cheat on me? Did I do something wrong? Was I not good enough? etc, etc.
I still don't know the answers and I know I never will but I am sure glad I didn't waste my time waiting around to get them answered because I have a feeling if he were in the next room right this moment I would still have questions and still no answers.
As far as regret - I felt regret for a few years and so will you. But if I had the chance to go back now would I? HELL NO! Life has been good to me the last few years and I don't regret my choices. I don't regret the time spent with Jesse eaither because the pain of it and the pain of getting over it helped form me into the person I am today.
You have to be true to yourself. Whatever I or anyone on this board says can't decide for you. But I do think deep down inside you know what you should do otherwise I don't think you would have posted here hoping we would talk you into it or out of it!
I am praying for you.
Jewelry, art, baskets, etc.
www.willowtreecreek.com |
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Past Blessings
True Blue Farmgirl
1083 Posts
Brenda
Orchard Prairie
WA
USA
1083 Posts |
Posted - Oct 28 2006 : 08:20:14 AM
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One thought that just came to me as I was re-reading the posts, is making sure you realize this has NOTHING to do with you. Doug has an addiction plain and simple. If he smoked cigarettes or was a drug addict you probably wouldn't assume you failed him, but for some reason when it is pornography, we tend to think as women we weren't enough or somehow we sexually failed them. As much as I hate all the tabloid "Crap" think about this example. Both Christie Brinkley and Jennifer Aniston, which we all have to admit are knock-outs, were cheated on. I really don't think it was because they were sexually unappealing. It is because the men had a problem. I don't want to make assumptions, as you haven't said you think you failed him in this way, but I know that is a common theme in pornograpny tainted relationships. You are the same beautiful woman he fell in love with. He just has an addiction he has to overcome. Blessings and prayers continuing your way. Brenda
Past Blessings . . . Celebrating Life as it used to be . . . when people loved God, loved their families and loved their country. |
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Norskema
True Blue Farmgirl
98 Posts
Candace
Central Indiana Area
USA
98 Posts |
Posted - Oct 28 2006 : 6:36:41 PM
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Hmmm, I think that an addiction to porn cuts much deeper than wanting a smoke. Doesn't it take something that is a loving exchange between partners and try to distort sex into something vile and cheap? Alee, you certainly have to do what you feel is right try to remember that you are having to do what is right for you and even more so for your child. I always encouraged my girls (I have 3) when they were setting out on their own to make sure they know how to take care of themselves. That means how to get a job, pay the bills, organize their life so that they would NEVER think it was necessary to have a man to take care of them. In my life I've known a lot of women who stay with a guy because they are afraid of what is going to happen to them. They stayed because they are more afraid of taking care of themselves and not being sure they know how. In the end, their love grew into hate both for themselves and for the men in their life. You have a terrific family who is willing to help you. If Doug is a real man, a grown adult, then he will get his act together and maybe some day it will work out with you. You are making choices for a baby now too and that really raises the stakes for you. It isn't just about what Doug needs and how you think you can rescue him (check out what co-dependence means). Mostly, I'm sorry that what started out so wonderfully, has taken such a bad turn. Best, best wishes for a happy ending!
Every way of a man seems right to himself but the Lord is the tester of hearts. Proverbs 21:2 |
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl
22944 Posts
22944 Posts |
Posted - Oct 28 2006 : 9:48:26 PM
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Well Ladies-
Just thought I should give you an update.
Doug and I still working on everything. We are trying very hard to be completely honest about everything (not always pleasant). For the time being I have moved into another room in our apartment and we are working on our relationship without the pressure of being intimate. Not that being sick and pregnant makes me want to do anything in the bedroom!
Doug has been really good. He is making a huge effort to follow my rules. I check his computer daily to see what he has been up to. I am computer savvy enough to know when a history has been fiddled with or dumped. He knows that if he did either of these things I would jump to the worst possible (and probably correct assumption).
We have had long talks about our relation ship, where it is going, where it ISN'T going, and our child. We have an agreement that if certain criteria are not fullfilled I will be going home on our holiday trip (Christmas time) and staying with my parents. Ultimatly this could be a bad thing for me because I know once I am home it will be harder for me to get my life back on track and moving forward, but I am willing to do this if it really is best.
Anyway- Things are good and Doug is being totally upfront and honest with me. I know it isn't easy and there is things I need to work on also but we are trying. I think it is the best we can ask of another human is to honestly try.
I hope you all will keep all three of us in your thoughts and prayers. It means a lot to me to have so many wonderful friends who feel so strongly about my welfare. For the first time in a long time I feel really good about the decisions I have been making lately. It was really hard to decide to confront Doug about all these issues because they have been growing bit by bit for a long time. I don't think I had realized how much they bothered me until we really got into this whole fight.
We had a conversation over dinner last night and we are both relieved that our issues are being brought out and worked on- no matter how much they bother us.
Hope all is well with everyone else
Alee |
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Past Blessings
True Blue Farmgirl
1083 Posts
Brenda
Orchard Prairie
WA
USA
1083 Posts |
Posted - Oct 28 2006 : 11:22:32 PM
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I always seem to be misunderstood this week. Norskema, I certainly wasn't saying that porn was the same as smoking and in no way is my post worded to make it seem that trivial. I simply was pointing out that it is an addiction and HE has to overcome it himself. No one else can hold the blame nor fix it for him. Not sure why on earth that was taken with a negative and condescending "Hmmmm." I was offering encouragement and didn't do anything to deserve the slam. Brenda
Past Blessings . . . Celebrating Life as it used to be . . . when people loved God, loved their families and loved their country. |
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willowtreecreek
True Blue Farmgirl
4813 Posts
Julie
Russell
AR
USA
4813 Posts |
Posted - Oct 29 2006 : 10:26:25 AM
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Good to hear that! Still praying for you!
Jewelry, art, baskets, etc.
www.willowtreecreek.com |
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Family Matters: Yet another Farmgirl with guy problems |
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Yet another Farmgirl with guy problems
