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 Sick in the pit of my stomach.
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Dusky Beauty
True Blue Farmgirl

1108 Posts

Jen
Tonopah AZ
USA
1108 Posts

Posted - Aug 06 2011 :  10:54:45 AM  Show Profile
My mother and her two kids live with Me my husband and our 3 kids. My husband is the only person in the house with a job, Mom is supposed to pay half the power bill and half the rent out of her unemployment checks. My brother's birthday came up and she "had to" short me 20$ for the power bill until tuesday.
My husband told me this morning when he was leaving for work that he needed that money for gas and I had to tell him I let mom borrow it and I didn't have anything more than 6$ to give him for gas money.

He left really mad.

He's probably mad that I was careless (I took him out to lunch with 10$ I had yesterday thinking it would be extra.) But I know he's livid because I let her do it to me again. She never pays the full amount of the bills on the date the bills were due and I feel helpless. She just never has it. Doesn't matter how much it is, or how long she knows about the due date, or how much money she has come in.
At the time it seemed reasonable to float 20$ for 5 days.

I've just got a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and I don't know what to do other than "take it" when he comes home or calls to yell about me letting my mother screw our family. Again.

I really can't think of a single thing to say for myself, or to fix this.

There's money in the bank, but it's earmarked to pay a bill that will be charged on monday. He'll get home ok if he does that. But the check will bounce. The bank will cover it, but it'll be 30$ out of the next paycheck for the fee.

Suffice to say my Saturday is pretty much wrecked with this dread and self loathing.

"The greatness of a nation and it's moral progress can be judged by the way it's animals are treated." ~Gandhi
http://silvermoonfarm.blogspot.com/
"After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.” ~Will Rogers

Karrieann
True Blue Farmgirl

1900 Posts

Karrieann
Northeast Georgia
USA
1900 Posts

Posted - Aug 06 2011 :  11:25:57 AM  Show Profile
...praying

I have been in your shoes and it is not easy. The best advice that I could give is talk to your husband. Be upfront with him... have him help you with your Mom. Also, understand where he is coming from. He is taking on a lot on his shoulders, stuff that he didn't expect to have on his shoulders. Both of you need to go for a walk alone and talk without raising the voice level. Hold hands while walking. Communication is more important than money. (I wish someone had shared this advice with me years ago)

I am keeping you and your family in my prayers.

Karrieann ~ Farmgirl Sister #766 (29 Sept 2009)

My Blog: ...following my heart, dreams and Jesus ...http://karrieann-followingmyheartandjesus.blogspot.com/
My Etsy ...Yesterday's Scraps, Tomorrow's Treasures ...http://www.etsy.com/shop/2TomorrowsTreasures
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MagnoliaWhisper
True Blue Farmgirl

2817 Posts

Heather
Haysville Kansas
USA
2817 Posts

Posted - Aug 06 2011 :  1:55:44 PM  Show Profile
Personally if I was you, I would just make it a thing to NOT loan to your mother any more. You are already giving her a place to live, and doing way more then most children of some one of her age who is in good health would be expected to.

I hate to sound cold blooded, and I don't know if you are a Christian or not, but when you become a husband/wife not that you can not help your parents/family, but your mate is automatically put on a more important level then them. IE you will leave your mother and father and cleave to your mate. Again doesn't mean that you can't help your family, but now by default it is more important to help your mate, and do what is best for your marriage. It doesn't sound like this is any longer best for your marriage to help your mother any further then what you are. And furthermore I don't think your mother should even be asking or expecting more! Neither my inlaws or my own parents have ever asked us to help them. My FIL has been out of work as long as two years (laid off) and never asked us for a dime, my mom and her husband are on disability and raising my step brothers four kids, NEVER asked us for money either. Not that we didn't give it of our own free will, but it has NEVER been asked!

Would it help if you told your husband you will not do this any more, and try to ask him how he wants you to handle these situations and agree to do what he wants regaurding such?



http://www.heathersprairie.blogspot.com
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Ninibini
True Blue Farmgirl

7577 Posts

Nini
Pennsylvania
USA
7577 Posts

Posted - Aug 06 2011 :  3:12:52 PM  Show Profile
Jen, that is such a tough place to be. I've been there, too - not with my mother, but over the years we've helped lots of people and had them stay with us. We've had to stop doing that just to keep our sanity and to survive financially. It's just so hard.

The main thing I learned when we were going through all of this is that my husband always felt he was the bearer of all the financial burdens. That meant if he failed to meet his responsibilities, everything fell apart. It's the "I have to, I have no choice," perspective. Even if others contributed in some way, it all fell on his shoulders and it didn't take very long until he started resenting it - especially when others didn't fulfill their responsibilities and they were having "extras" that he was unable to provide for his family or was himself being denied, or if there wasn't enough to go around as originally expected. I'll admit it: it did get to me, too, after a while. But we women can "make do" with things around the house - we always make things last longer, go farther. We're pretty creative people. But with a man who is working outside of the home, they can't "make do." Their needs are basic and required. They need the gas money - and need to trust us to have the foresight to have it waiting for them when they ask. They need three healthy sized square meals, and even a little treat to go along with that - they're busting their chaps to bring home the bacon everyday, so at the very least they want to be well-fed (they're also like little boys and need their treats - at least, that's how mine is). When they get home, they're tired, dirty, hungry and just want to veg... Our job is to ensure that when they get home, there's no chaos, things are calm, relaxing, the house is tidy (now, I didn't say perfect - just tidy. They want to be able to move around and not trip over things, animals or people, you know?), food is at the ready, wife is there to listen and soothe, there are clean clothes ready for him to cozy into, the t.v. is his for the taking... You get the idea. Kids screaming and fighting, being bombarded with concerns, a small plate of food, nowhere to relax... well, that's just not conducive to happy hubby, which in turn is not conducive to happy family and happy home. When we had people here, my husband wanted his chair, wanted to watch the ball game, didn't want to hear about anything stressful, didn't want a bunch of yapping going on around him - he needed to just rest. He has needs, Jen. And men are different creatures - their needs are a lot different than ours, and we've got to figure them out and then figure out how to provide them. I know a lot of women don't see it that way, but I'm just telling you how it works in my life, and how a lot of women I know have found it to be.

When he gets home, make sure everything is clean, calm and relaxed. Make sure he has a little haven to come home to. Make sure you have a HUGE plate of good food for him, maybe a bath drawn, and give him free reign to relax and do whatever he needs to do to wind down. Make him feel appreciated, loved and respected. Tell him how badly you feel about what happened this morning, and that you will not allow this to happen again. Ask him to tell you everything he's thinking and feeling about the home situation, and realy LISTEN to him - even if he yells. I know it's not what you'd like to have happen, but it may just be that your Mom and siblings need to move out to housing with government assistance until she can get on her feet. You and your husband and kids need to have your own family time together. Whatever it takes, you just have to remember he needs to feel appreciated, loved, considered, AND like a man who is head of the household and respected. If he feels like nothing more than a paycheck, you're in for some real trouble. He needs you to have HIS back at all times, Jen. You are his helpmeet, his best friend - and he needs to know it. He needs to know you have his best interest at heart, even if it means having to ask your mother to move out. Everything will fall into place eventually, but the main thing is that he has to be number one and know it. Everytime he leaves for work in the morning, you and the kids are number one in his mind, he needs to know he is the same in yours.

Turn the tables for a minute: how it would affect the family if one day he came home and said he just didn't feel like going to work for a day or two, so you all would have to just "make do" without his pay for those days. In addition, he was going to have that buddy of his that never wipes his feet, farts and eats you out of house and home come to stay with you for a while. That just wouldn't fly, right? Well... that's very much how he's seeing things when your Mom isn't pulling her weight. I realize it may not be like that for you now, I do. I'm only telling you this from personal experience. He's thinking how you would never allow him to get away with anything like that - nor would he try. He is responsible for all of your financial burdens. Your Mom needs to pull her weight, too. It's just that simple. And if the whole situation is just becoming way too stressful in the home, then something's got to give, and that shouldn't be your marriage and family. Never sacrifice your marriage and family. Ever.

Having said ALL of that, I also realize that you are probably being pulled in a gagillion different ways on a daily basis, and that YOU are the one carrying all the burden of worry and trying to hold it together. Unfortunately, you're probably getting very little recognition or appreciation for all you do, either. I know how hard that is. I really, really, really do. But the thing is, you're the heart of your family, Jen. If the heart weakens or fails, all is lost. You have to figure out - hopefully WITH your husband - how you can make all of this work. If you can't see a reasonable solution, it's simply time for a change. It's never easy, but you'll have a lot more peace of mind in the long run if there are clearly defined boundaries in all aspects of your family life - with our without your Mom. And I'll tell you something, once you start putting him and his needs first, you'll see a huge change in his behavior. It will be sheer bliss!

Okay, well, I just hope that this helps a little. I feel so badly for you, I really do. Hang in there, say a prayer and make him feel like the man you so deeply love. Everything will be okay. And I'll say a few prayers for you, too.

Hugs -

Nini






Farmgirl Sister #1974

God gave us two hands... one to help ourselves, and one to help others!

www.papercraftingwithnini.myctmh.com


Edited by - Ninibini on Aug 06 2011 3:16:47 PM
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MagnoliaWhisper
True Blue Farmgirl

2817 Posts

Heather
Haysville Kansas
USA
2817 Posts

Posted - Aug 06 2011 :  7:25:38 PM  Show Profile
I agree Nini.

Also my husband gets VERY agitated when he doesn't feel he can provide the way he wants for his family. When we first moved here and he didn't find a job for a while he got REALLY cranky! Even my parents noticed it and was a little upset by it. But, then the next week he got a job and he was fine again. Again my parents noticed. I had explained to them I thought it was the job situation, and the complete about face when eh got the job proved I was right. (even though it wasn't a high paying job, it was just a job at target it was a job and at least he didn't feel terrible about not even having a job to help provide for his family). Any way, I know men get really upset (at least some men) if they don't feel they are providing the way they want for their families. And to add on a whole nother family to provide for certainly can't be easy!



http://www.heathersprairie.blogspot.com
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Alee
True Blue Farmgirl

22859 Posts

Alee
Worland Wy
USA
22859 Posts

Posted - Aug 07 2011 :  06:54:56 AM  Show Profile  Send Alee a Yahoo! Message
Just remember that this too shall pass. *hugs* My heart goes out to you!

Alee
Farmgirl Sister #8
www.farmgirlalee.blogspot.com
www.allergyjourneys.blogspot.com
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Penny Wise
True Blue Farmgirl

1903 Posts

Margo
Elyria OH
USA
1903 Posts

Posted - Aug 07 2011 :  08:53:40 AM  Show Profile
now that you have beaten yourself up...i hope that you and hubby had some quality time last nite or will today..you are in a very tuff spot....and the fact that you had this sick feeling shows that you know he is trying so hard....the gals who mentioned men feeling like they are "THE BREADWINNERS"-- oh yea..it's how they are brought up....the weight of the world does seem on their shoulders.....

harder yet is that you really need to speak with your mother-work out a budget with her- explain that you simply cannot do this "lending" any more so long as the economy is so poor-after all, i would think, part of her living with you is so that you all can HELP each other-now she needs to do her share.....

no preaching to you- just sending hugs.........

Farmgirl # 2139
~*~ counting my pennies and biding my time; my dreams are adding up!~*~
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natesgirl
True Blue Farmgirl

1735 Posts

angela
martinsville indiana
USA
1735 Posts

Posted - Aug 07 2011 :  09:21:27 AM  Show Profile
I have been in your husbands shoes in a way for almost 3 years now. My mother in law is drainin us dry. We have no savings left, my hubby has lost 3 jobs to takin care of her after different sugeries, and she still asks for money constantly. He wants to give her slack all the time, but I have to deal with the bills and stuff.

I can tell you he is most likely feelin like you are puttin her before him and the family. It is an extremely painful feeling. It took us bein without a vehicle except for his motorcycle and me leavin with the kids to walk 15 miles to my moms before he realized things couldn't go like that anymore. He had to borrow his moms car and come get us, then we drove the kids to my moms and talked in the car for hours.

It was a huge fight with his mom to get her to admit she was blowin her money on eatin out and new clothes. Then she promised to pay the bills first with every check and use the rest as she wanted. It's still a mess, and she still comes to us for money all the time, but hubby tells her no unless it's a real emergency, then she has to come to me about it.

I tell you from experience, it was true h*ll for me for a long time and it nearly ended my marriage. I don't want to see anyone go through what I did. It's been 6 months since things turned around for us. We are still diggin out from under the debt she created. We are still workin to fix us. We still talk about once a week so we keep everything on the table, and there are still a lot of tears and hurt with it.

Please, don't let things go too far for your family. It's so hard to fix something once it's broken. It's much easier to protect it before anything bad happens.

I'll pray for you.

Farmgirl Sister #1438

God - Gardening - Family - Is anything else important?
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Dusky Beauty
True Blue Farmgirl

1108 Posts

Jen
Tonopah AZ
USA
1108 Posts

Posted - Aug 08 2011 :  3:31:02 PM  Show Profile
Well, we all know that everything happens for a reason.

To start off, I took Nini's advice before I even read it, I made some good food (hot and lots of it) and tidied up really good. I found some messages from my husband later that he sent during his break-- he apologized for leaving mad before I'd even talked to him. When I told him how it all went down, and how I spent my day feeling miserable he apologized for being such a heel and that he understood I'm only spreading myself as far as I can trying to make life better for everyone in the house. (Do I have a sweet catch, or what?) Thanks for the prayers ladies, I'm sure that is what softened his heart so quickly.

The best thing that came out of the whole debacle was the crying and sobbing break down I had in front of mom, it brought the position she puts me in front and center. Hopefully It will lead to a change in her behavior. She's not made of stone, she's just inept.

"The greatness of a nation and it's moral progress can be judged by the way it's animals are treated." ~Gandhi
http://silvermoonfarm.blogspot.com/
"After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.” ~Will Rogers
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Karrieann
True Blue Farmgirl

1900 Posts

Karrieann
Northeast Georgia
USA
1900 Posts

Posted - Aug 08 2011 :  3:40:56 PM  Show Profile
Jen, yes you have a sweet catch! I will keep praying for y'all.

Karrieann ~ Farmgirl Sister #766 (29 Sept 2009)

My Blog: ...following my heart, dreams and Jesus ...http://karrieann-followingmyheartandjesus.blogspot.com/
My Etsy ...Yesterday's Scraps, Tomorrow's Treasures ...http://www.etsy.com/shop/2TomorrowsTreasures
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Aunt Jenny
True Blue Farmgirl

11381 Posts

Jenny
middle of Utah
USA
11381 Posts

Posted - Aug 08 2011 :  7:22:50 PM  Show Profile
YOu will sure be in my prayers as well, Jen.

Jenny in Utah
Proud Farmgirl sister #24
Inside me there is a skinny woman crying to get out...but I can usually shut her up with cookies
http://www.auntjennysworld.blogspot.com/ visit my little online shop at www.auntjenny.etsy.com
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SusanScarlet
True Blue Farmgirl

317 Posts



317 Posts

Posted - Aug 10 2011 :  7:27:28 PM  Show Profile
Praying for you. Perhaps your mom qualifies for housing assistance and she and her children can move into their own housing. There are many services available.
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Ninibini
True Blue Farmgirl

7577 Posts

Nini
Pennsylvania
USA
7577 Posts

Posted - Aug 10 2011 :  7:50:04 PM  Show Profile
Aw, Jen! That's so great! Yep! He's a keeper, all right! ;) Hugs - Nini

Farmgirl Sister #1974

God gave us two hands... one to help ourselves, and one to help others!

www.papercraftingwithnini.myctmh.com

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walkinwalkoutcattle
True Blue Farmgirl

1675 Posts

Megan
Paint Lick KY
USA
1675 Posts

Posted - Aug 12 2011 :  6:09:38 PM  Show Profile
Jen, bless you for being such a giving person. I'm praying for you! God has a way of letting us go through the dark so we learn to notice and appreciate the light. I'm praying that God fills your basket to overflowing and blesses you beyond your wildest imagination!

Farmgirl #2879 :)
Starbucks and sushi to green fried tomatoes and corn pudding-I wouldn't change it for the world.
www.cattleandcupcakes.blogspot.com
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coaloha
True Blue Farmgirl

499 Posts

Pam

USA
499 Posts

Posted - Aug 13 2011 :  10:34:32 PM  Show Profile  Send coaloha an AOL message
Jen,

Sending warm thoughts to you as you work through this situation. Please be kind to yourself...it sounds like you are doing your best and trying to be there for all of your loved ones.

Pam Barnes-Palty
Phoenix, AZ
Farmgirl #1075

Be distracted by joy
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Dusky Beauty
True Blue Farmgirl

1108 Posts

Jen
Tonopah AZ
USA
1108 Posts

Posted - Aug 15 2011 :  6:17:19 PM  Show Profile
<3 my farm girl sisters and sisters in faith. You all know just what to say and what needs to be done.

"The greatness of a nation and it's moral progress can be judged by the way it's animals are treated." ~Gandhi
http://silvermoonfarm.blogspot.com/
"After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.” ~Will Rogers
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Madelena
True Blue Farmgirl

1918 Posts

Mary
Central TX
USA
1918 Posts

Posted - Aug 18 2011 :  04:30:46 AM  Show Profile
Jen.. my heart goes out to you. Glad you all cleared the air.. and Nini had fantastic insight. I was blown away. Yes, one's spouse is first. The kiddos, no matter how precious they are, will move out, marry and be loyal to their own families. And as much as we love the folks, we still have to put first things first.

In the meantime, your mom and her kids may be eligible for food stamps and the kids probably some government paid health insurance. If so, this could help her manage her expenses a little better. You don't say how old her kids are that live with you, but I hope they are helping with the housework and learning that there should be no such thing as a free ride in life.

My favorite story in the world is "The Little Red Hen". I think this should be required reading in school. Too much of our society today {not just in the USA either} thinks something for nothing is really great. And they don't appreciate it.. They become demanding and think they are ENTITLED. Trouble is, when one gets something for nothing, they can become lazy and spoiled. Lazy, spoiled kids seldom grow into adults that ever achieve much in their lives. How sad.

We were kind of low income when my kids were little. They would ask for this and that, and I would say: "We don't have the money for that." They would reply, "But, mommy I needs it!"... and I would reply: "You don't need it, you WANT it." I have two fairly successful "go-getters" now. {But, did I mention I spoiled the "baby" and he's always going to be the one struggling in life... I wish I knew how the "spoil-principle" worked back then.} Me bad.

Oh, did I also mention I worked the welfare agencies for 20 plus years. Heard all the stories, gave lots of encouragement and suggestions, but people seldom change - most don't want too. And as Jesus once said: "The poor will always be with you." Being poor is no disgrace. We were pretty poor growing up, but Mom was a fantastic money manager!! At the same time, most people who have little, share with others who have even less. The affluent often tend to be a bit less generous. Go figure.

But in all things, let there be a balance. As all of nature if left to its own path, will seek balance in all thngs. So should we. Keep your chin up and keep the faith.
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Dusky Beauty
True Blue Farmgirl

1108 Posts

Jen
Tonopah AZ
USA
1108 Posts

Posted - Aug 30 2011 :  9:33:35 PM  Show Profile
My family is on assistance currently, and she is on assistance, and her children are 14 and 18. She's just terrible at managing money >_< I can't send her my debit card to buy diapers anymore, because she will go and buy herself 10 or 15$ on my card in shampoo, toilet paper and dog food. If I ask her to pick up bread and a gallon of milk because I am on tight budget she will get another $25 in food because is was "a great deal". She's been living too long on a "tips" income (15+ years?) and is in the habit of spending every dollar in her purse... I presume under the habit of expecting another $50 or whatever on her next shift.

My EBT is suspended next month because my husband's school took too long to fill out the form with his grant info when we had to reapply, and I had to starts from scratch. OH! and she let her useless horses out to graze in the backyard (because she ran out of money to buy them food) and they ATE MY FRICKING GARDEN and there's nothing left. It's Rice and Beans and Beans and Rice in september. >_<

I made my mom get dressed and go to town to job hunt today while I walked her into every store and restaurant to inquire.



"The greatness of a nation and it's moral progress can be judged by the way it's animals are treated." ~Gandhi
http://silvermoonfarm.blogspot.com/
"After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.” ~Will Rogers
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Cherime
True Blue Farmgirl

1222 Posts

Cherime
Wasilla Alaska
USA
1222 Posts

Posted - Aug 31 2011 :  08:45:18 AM  Show Profile
Praying for you girl.

CMF
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