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Across the Fence:  Let's Laugh Our Way Through 2015!!  |
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marlee
True Blue Farmgirl
1650 Posts
Marlene
DeRidder
Louisiana
1650 Posts |
 Posted - Jun 19 2014 : 7:41:57 PM
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I have a ditty!
Title: Do Not Argue With A Child Of God!
A science teacher was teaching a class of 5th graders about animals in the ocean and told the students that it was scientifically proven that
a man could not be swallowed by a whale. A little girl jumped out of her seat and raised her hand the teacher asked "Yes".
The little girl " Oh yes mame that can, Jonah in the bible was.
The teacher said. "I am sorry but its been proven that that can't happen!
The little girl said, "Yes mame it can, when I get to heaven I will ask him!"
The teacher said, " What if he didn't go to heaven?
The little girl said," Then you ask him".
Hugs Marlee
God is the painter, he paints the picture. And his son builds it, for he is the Master Carpenter!
Silly Boys Trucks Are For Girls |
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nndairy
True Blue Farmgirl
3004 Posts
Heather
Wapakoneta
Ohio
USA
3004 Posts |
Posted - Jun 24 2014 : 08:27:12 AM
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I haven't been on here in a while so I thought I would check in. Nini - I can not stop laughing at the thought of your husband with his pants sagging like that!! Thanks for such a good laugh!
Heather
Farmgirl Sister #4701
http://nndairy.blogspot.com/
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churunga
True Blue Farmgirl
3919 Posts
Marie
Minneapolis
MN
USA
3919 Posts |
Posted - Jun 24 2014 : 09:22:07 AM
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This is my husband's favorite joke.
A traveling salesman stopped at a farmhouse and asked for the farmer. He was told that the farmer was out back feeding the pigs. When the salesman went to the back he saw the farmer holding a pig up to a apple tree and the pig was eating apples right off the tree. The salesman watched this for a minute and then said, "Wouldn't it take less time to let the pigs eat the apples that are already on the ground?". The farmer said, "What's time to a pig."
Marie, Sister #5142
Farmgirl of the Month May 2014
Try everything once and the fun things twice. |
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Cindy Lou
True Blue Farmgirl
2325 Posts
Susan
Lonsdale
MN
USA
2325 Posts |
Posted - Jun 26 2014 : 4:40:41 PM
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Choir Proficiency Test
Find out what it takes to make a good choir member.
Before joining the choir, the director hands you this questionnaire which has been carefully developed by experts to find out how proficient you are. Read and reflect on each situation. Give the answer that you think will most enhance the quality of the performance.
Question 1
As you enter the choir loft on Sunday morning, you suddenly trip and fall. You should:
a. Either remain prone or assume a kneeling position. Break into fervent prayer.
b. Pretend you've had a heart attack.
c. Wave your arms in the air and begin speaking in tongues.
d. Crawl to the nearest chair.
Question 2
You show up twenty minutes late for the Christmas musical. You should:
a. Climb into the back row from the baptistery.
b. Enter pretending to be a soundman. Check some cables, then suddenly slip your cute little self in with the rest of the choir.
c. Turn out all the lights and slip into the choir during the blackout.
d. Read Michael Cunningham's pamphlet, "Techniques for Tardy Appearances."
Question 3
You are a soprano, but have trouble counting. Consequently, you boom out high C one measure too soon. You should:
a. Glide right into an inspired "O For a Thousand Tongues to Sing."
b. Gaze triumphantly at the rafters and hold that note.
c. Stop abruptly, mid squawk, but keep your lips moving.
d. Sink to the floor in shame.
Question 4
During the hymn, you discover that you have only one of the two pages. You should:
a. Hum like your life depended on it.
b. Sing, "Watermelon, watermelon, watermelon" in harmony.
c. Remove one shoe and use your toes to try to get another hymnal out of the choir rack.
d. Sing the first page over again.
Question 5
When the inevitable big sneeze comes near the end of the Christmas cantata, you should:
a. Stomp hard on your neighbor's foot just as you sneeze to create a diversion.
Susan
b. Do your best to make the honk harmonize.
c. Muffle the sound by sneezing into the hair of the choir member in front of you.
d. Sink to the floor in shame.
Your Results
Tally the number of a's, b's, c's and d's. Proficiency ratings are as follows:
4 or more a's: You will make a first rate choir member.
4 or more b's: Your choir reflexes are fully developed. You will do well in choir.
4 or more c's: Your choir experience is spotty; however, your team spirit is way up there. You will be an asset to the choir.
4 or more d's: The recommendation is that you take another direction, give up choir aspirations and take up something like soccer or group therapy.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"
Mary Oliver |
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Cindy Lou
True Blue Farmgirl
2325 Posts
Susan
Lonsdale
MN
USA
2325 Posts |
Posted - Jun 30 2014 : 10:56:37 AM
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This picture reminded me of my nearly 3 year old grandson's Batman obsession and the fact that his latest "game" is being "Batman's Puppy", I'm going to need a picture of that!
Susan
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"
Mary Oliver |
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churunga
True Blue Farmgirl
3919 Posts
Marie
Minneapolis
MN
USA
3919 Posts |
Posted - Jun 30 2014 : 11:31:20 AM
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A guy was stopped by a police officer at 3:00 AM for driving erratically. The police officer asked him where he was going. He said, "To a lecture on the dangers of alcohol." The police officer asked, "Who would be giving a lecture like that at 3:00 AM?" "My wife," the man said.
Marie, Sister #5142
Farmgirl of the Month May 2014
Try everything once and the fun things twice. |
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Calicogirl
True Blue Farmgirl
5216 Posts
Sharon
Bruce Crossing
Michigan
USA
5216 Posts |
Posted - Jul 01 2014 : 05:50:18 AM
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Oh Susan! That is so funny! I would love to see Batman's puppy! :)
Farmgirl Sister #5392
By His Grace, For His Glory
~Sharon
http://amerryheartjournal.blogspot.com/
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Cindy Lou
True Blue Farmgirl
2325 Posts
Susan
Lonsdale
MN
USA
2325 Posts |
Posted - Jul 02 2014 : 4:23:29 PM
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There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of
his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before
he died, he said to his wife,
"When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that
when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well,
he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in
black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When
they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got
ready ! to close the casket, the wife said,
"Wait just a minute!"
She had a box with her; she came over with the box and put it in
the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled
it away.
So her friend said,
"Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all
that money in there with your husband."
The loyal wife replied,
"Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check.
If he can cash it, he can spend it!"
Susan
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"
Mary Oliver |
Edited by - Cindy Lou on Jul 02 2014 4:37:56 PM |
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churunga
True Blue Farmgirl
3919 Posts
Marie
Minneapolis
MN
USA
3919 Posts |
Posted - Jul 02 2014 : 8:28:16 PM
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A woman was being robbed by a man. He asked her where her money was. She told him that it was in her girdle. He pawed at the girdle trying to find the money. He told her that he couldn't find it. She said "Keep looking. I'll give you a check."
Marie, Sister #5142
Farmgirl of the Month May 2014
Try everything once and the fun things twice. |
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Cindy Lou
True Blue Farmgirl
2325 Posts
Susan
Lonsdale
MN
USA
2325 Posts |
Posted - Jul 12 2014 : 7:30:46 PM
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I hope no one is offended but I laughed so hard I had to share!
If you grew up on a farm....or hard farm kids as friends,,,,,,,
Only a farm kid would see it this way!
When you're from the farm, your perception is a little bit different.
A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No, he went with Mom and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant."
The boy thought for a moment...then says, "You'll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."
Susan
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"
Mary Oliver |
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Cindy Lou
True Blue Farmgirl
2325 Posts
Susan
Lonsdale
MN
USA
2325 Posts |
Posted - Jul 19 2014 : 10:51:30 AM
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Pig misunderstanding
Howard County Police officers still write their reports by hand, and the data is entered later by a computer tech into their database. One theft report stated that a farmer had lost 2,025 pigs. Thinking that to be an error, the tech called the farmer directly.
"Is it true Mr. (Smith) that you lost 2,025 pigs?" she asked.
"Yeth." lisped the farmer.
Being a Howard County girl herself, the tech entered: "Subject lost 2 sows and 25 pigs."
Susan
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"
Mary Oliver |
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churunga
True Blue Farmgirl
3919 Posts
Marie
Minneapolis
MN
USA
3919 Posts |
Posted - Jul 19 2014 : 2:34:11 PM
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what do you call an alligator wearing a vest?
An Investigator.
Marie, Sister #5142
Farmgirl of the Month May 2014
Try everything once and the fun things twice. |
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Cindy Lou
True Blue Farmgirl
2325 Posts
Susan
Lonsdale
MN
USA
2325 Posts |
Posted - Jul 24 2014 : 08:34:01 AM
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I bet you smiled!
Susan
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"
Mary Oliver |
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Ninibini
True Blue Farmgirl
7577 Posts
Nini
Pennsylvania
USA
7577 Posts |
Posted - Jul 24 2014 : 09:34:14 AM
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Okay...Okay... Heard this from a sweet little old Italian man last week, so I feel it's safe to tell it...
Why are so many Italian American men named "Tony?"
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Because when they arrived at Ellis Island, all of them were waring little tags that read, "TO NY"!
Ba da BAH!
<To hear him tell this joke with his thick accent, this joke was priceless. 'Cracked himself up so hard, he got tears in his eyes! LOL!>
Farmgirl Sister #1974
God gave us two hands... one to help ourselves, and one to help others!
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Edited by - Ninibini on Jul 24 2014 09:36:56 AM |
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Cindy Lou
True Blue Farmgirl
2325 Posts
Susan
Lonsdale
MN
USA
2325 Posts |
Posted - Jul 28 2014 : 09:45:43 AM
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Susan
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"
Mary Oliver |
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Cindy Lou
True Blue Farmgirl
2325 Posts
Susan
Lonsdale
MN
USA
2325 Posts |
Posted - Jul 29 2014 : 1:33:34 PM
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I got this in a email from a friend and thought I'd share the giggle. Remember, if you're not there yet, it is still to come.
AAADHD!!
Age Activated Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mailbox earlier I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full. I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first…then I think, since I am going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my checkbook off the table and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Pepsi I had been drinking. I am going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Pepsi aside so that I do not accidentally knock it over. The Pepsi is getting warm so I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye—they need water. I put the Pepsi on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I have been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I am going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water, and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I’ll be looking for the remote, but I won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,but first I’ll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor so, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do. At the end of the day: the car isn’t washed the bills aren’t paid there is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter. The flowers don’t have enough water, there is still only 1 check in my check book, I can’t find the remote, I can’t find my glasses, and I don’t remember what I did with the car keys Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I am baffled because I know I was busy all
day, and I am really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem and I will try to get some help for it, but first I will check my e-mail… Do me a favor. Forward this message to everyone you know, because I do not remember whom I have sent it to. Please do not laugh — if this is not you yet, your day is coming!
Susan
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"
Mary Oliver |
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country treasure
True Blue Farmgirl
452 Posts
judy
SK
Canada
452 Posts |
Posted - Jul 30 2014 : 3:29:22 PM
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Susan,
You're tooooooooooooo funny! I'm right with girl!
The other day I phoned hubby in a panic that someone took the truck from the shop til he informed me that I was sitting in it. He's still killing himself laughing.....now that's a grey hair moment. I forgot I drove the work truck home. Oh well.......I think he said something about losing it & therapy........does this mean I get off the farm for a while??????? When asked that he just laughed harder & said he'd keep me around for a while & see what else happens.
Huge Hugs
Judy
Still laughing with Susan!
You just have to keep laughing
country wishes! |
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Calicogirl
True Blue Farmgirl
5216 Posts
Sharon
Bruce Crossing
Michigan
USA
5216 Posts |
Posted - Aug 06 2014 : 07:59:00 AM
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Oh Susan, thank you! And Judy I am glad that I am in good company :)
Farmgirl Sister #5392
By His Grace, For His Glory
~Sharon
http://amerryheartjournal.blogspot.com/
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Bear5
True Blue Farmgirl
13055 Posts
Louisiana/Texas
USA
13055 Posts |
Posted - Aug 06 2014 : 11:46:01 AM
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Nini!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The TO NY joke is so, so, so funny!
Marly
"It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth- and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up- that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had." Elisabeth Kurler-Ross |
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Ninibini
True Blue Farmgirl
7577 Posts
Nini
Pennsylvania
USA
7577 Posts |
Posted - Aug 07 2014 : 07:09:16 AM
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Lol! What is REALLY funny, Marly, is that I didn't even get it at first - my husband had to explain it to me! BLONDE MOMENT!!! LOL!
JUDY! I you made me laugh so hard, I almost had an accident! That would happen to me, truly!!!
Thanks for keeping this thread up, girls! I can't tell you how much I've needed these laughs - you've really brightened my days! Let's just keep it going and going and going!
Hugs -
Nini
Farmgirl Sister #1974
God gave us two hands... one to help ourselves, and one to help others!
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Edited by - Ninibini on Aug 07 2014 11:35:32 AM |
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Cindy Lou
True Blue Farmgirl
2325 Posts
Susan
Lonsdale
MN
USA
2325 Posts |
Posted - Aug 07 2014 : 08:30:17 AM
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“I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing… except when you’re at a funeral.
Susan
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"
Mary Oliver |
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Cindy Lou
True Blue Farmgirl
2325 Posts
Susan
Lonsdale
MN
USA
2325 Posts |
Posted - Aug 09 2014 : 5:36:38 PM
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Susan
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"
Mary Oliver |
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churunga
True Blue Farmgirl
3919 Posts
Marie
Minneapolis
MN
USA
3919 Posts |
Posted - Aug 09 2014 : 7:41:31 PM
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Why do you bury politicians 100 feet down?
Because deep down they are good people.
Marie, Sister #5142
Farmgirl of the Month May 2014
Try everything once and the fun things twice. |
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Ninibini
True Blue Farmgirl
7577 Posts
Nini
Pennsylvania
USA
7577 Posts |
Posted - Aug 10 2014 : 07:47:22 AM
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LOL! Marie! When I asked my son that question, he said, "Because it's the closest place they can get to hell?!" LOL!!!
Farmgirl Sister #1974
God gave us two hands... one to help ourselves, and one to help others!
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Cindy Lou
True Blue Farmgirl
2325 Posts
Susan
Lonsdale
MN
USA
2325 Posts |
Posted - Aug 11 2014 : 11:30:29 AM
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I hope I can get this to make sense. It was shared by a friend who's 94 year old aunt loves to find and share clippings.
A man and his wife who had been married over 20 years went to a marriage counselor. When the counselor asked he,r she listed a large number of grievances; not being appreciated, not being listened to, not being valued and on and on. To illustrate his suggestion for remedying the situation the counselor stood up, walked around the desk and kissed the woman passionately. The husband looked on with open mouthed amazement.
The counselor then said. "If she is kissed like that three times a week most of your problems will be solved."
The husband thought about it for a moment then said, " I can drop her off Mondays and Wednesdays, but I play golf on Friday."
Susan
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"
Mary Oliver |
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Across the Fence: Let's Laugh Our Way Through 2015!! |
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Let's Laugh Our Way Through 2015!!
