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Across the Fence:  Let's Laugh Our Way Through 2015!!  |
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Ninibini
True Blue Farmgirl
7577 Posts
Nini
Pennsylvania
USA
7577 Posts |
 Posted - Jan 27 2014 : 09:16:50 AM
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A retired couple is sitting on the patio, relaxing and enjoying the sunset.
The woman, sipping on a glass of wine, smiles and gently says, “I love you so much,” she said, ”I don’t think I could ever live without you.”
Her husband leans over and asks, “Is that you or the red wine talking?”
She replies, “It’s me… talking TO the red wine.”
Farmgirl Sister #1974
God gave us two hands... one to help ourselves, and one to help others!
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AFinkberry
True Blue Farmgirl
310 Posts
Ally
Kalama
Washington
310 Posts |
Posted - Jan 27 2014 : 8:43:14 PM
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Ok, so I've been gone for a while, but I've caught up on all of the jokes!! I was laughing so hard, DH said I was going to wake up the baby!!! So I have a few I've seen around!
Can February March?
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No, but April May!
What do you call someone with no body and no nose?
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Nobody knows!!
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
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An investigator!!!!
I'll find more later!
Ally
Farmgirl Sister #5672
"There is no need for temples, no need for complicated philosophies. My brain and my heart are my temples; my philosophy is kindness." ~His Holiness the Dalai Lama |
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Ninibini
True Blue Farmgirl
7577 Posts
Nini
Pennsylvania
USA
7577 Posts |
Posted - Jan 28 2014 : 03:12:07 AM
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So glad you're back, Ally! Love these - especially the investigator one! :)
What does a nosey pepper do?
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Get jalapeno business.
Happy day!
Hugs -
Nini
Farmgirl Sister #1974
God gave us two hands... one to help ourselves, and one to help others!
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Cindy Lou
True Blue Farmgirl
2325 Posts
Susan
Lonsdale
MN
USA
2325 Posts |
Posted - Jan 28 2014 : 09:54:59 AM
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Tell the Truth
A lady is having a bad day at the tables in Vegas. Down to her last $100, completely exasperated, she cries, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?"
A gent next to her, trying to calm her down a bit, calmly suggests, "I don't know... Why don't you play your age?"
He walks away. Moments later, his he is intrigued to hear a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe, she won!
Rushing back to the table and pushing his way through the crowd, he is stunned to see the lady lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.
He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"
The operator replies, "I don't know, buddy.... She put all her money on 29. When 36 came up she fainted!"
Susan
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"
Mary Oliver |
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Ninibini
True Blue Farmgirl
7577 Posts
Nini
Pennsylvania
USA
7577 Posts |
Posted - Jan 29 2014 : 03:30:22 AM
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Three Eskimos in Alaska were at their local bar, discussing how cold it was outside. Arguing how cold their igloos were, they decided to determine once and for all whose was indeed the coldest.
They went to the first Eskimo's igloo. He said "Watch this!" and poured a cup of water into the air. It froze in mid-air and crashed into shards on the floor.
"Not bad" said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was colder still.
They proceeded to the second Eskimo's igloo. "Check this out!" he said. He took a deep breath and exhaled. His breath froze into a big ball of ice and thunked to the floor.
"Wow, that's colder than mine!" exclaimed the first Eskimo. But the third Eskimo insisted his was colder still.
They moved on to the third Eskimo's igloo. His eyes lit up. “Okay, now it’s MY turn! Get ready for THIS!" He proceeded into his bedroom, threw back the thick furs, and retrieved one of several small balls of ice. He placed it in a spoon, and held a match under it. When it became warm enough, it went "FFFAAAARRRTTT".
He won.
Happy day!
Nini
Farmgirl Sister #1974
God gave us two hands... one to help ourselves, and one to help others!
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Cindy Lou
True Blue Farmgirl
2325 Posts
Susan
Lonsdale
MN
USA
2325 Posts |
Posted - Jan 29 2014 : 07:39:41 AM
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Nini,
That one got me giggling out loud!
EVER WONDER ...
Why the sun lightens our hair,
but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara
with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline
'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
Susan
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"
Mary Oliver |
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nndairy
True Blue Farmgirl
3001 Posts
Heather
Wapakoneta
Ohio
USA
3001 Posts |
Posted - Jan 29 2014 : 08:05:51 AM
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You girls crack me up! It's going to be a funny year. :)
Heather
Farmgirl Sister #4701
http://nndairy.blogspot.com/
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marlee
True Blue Farmgirl
1650 Posts
Marlene
DeRidder
Louisiana
1650 Posts |
Posted - Jan 29 2014 : 08:26:04 AM
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Pastor was preaching a sermon, all the children sit on the front row. He was talking about resurrection. He ask the children if they knew what that meant. A little boy raised his hand and stood up. Do you know what resurrection means son? Yes the little boy said. 'It means after 4 hours your suppose to go to the doctor.'
The congregation laughed for 10 minutes before the pastor could finish his sermon.
I listen to a gospel station in Jasper, Texas and the D.J. she was telling about it. I thought it was hilarious.
Marlee
God is the painter, he paints the picture. And his son builds it, for he is the Master Carpenter!
Silly Boys Trucks Are For Girls |
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AFinkberry
True Blue Farmgirl
310 Posts
Ally
Kalama
Washington
310 Posts |
Posted - Jan 29 2014 : 9:21:56 PM
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HAHA!! I'm loving these!
What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college?
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Bison!
Ally
Farmgirl Sister #5672
"There is no need for temples, no need for complicated philosophies. My brain and my heart are my temples; my philosophy is kindness." ~His Holiness the Dalai Lama |
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Ninibini
True Blue Farmgirl
7577 Posts
Nini
Pennsylvania
USA
7577 Posts |
Posted - Jan 30 2014 : 03:36:19 AM
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LOL! Ooooooh m'gosh! LOL!
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. As if that wasn’t stressful enough, he became slightly annoyed when he was informed that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute.
The substitute introduced herself and asked the minister what she should play.
“Here’s a copy of the service,” he said impatiently. “I need you to come up with something inspirational to play after I make the announcement about the finances. Whatever you think is best. I’m leaving that up to you.”
During the service, the minister paused and said, “Brothers and sisters, we are in great difficulty. The roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more to cover the expense. Any of you who are able to pledge $100 or more, please stand up.”
At that moment, the substitute organist played, “The Star Spangled Banner.”
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!
Have a great, giggly day, girls - and thanks for making mine just that! :)
Nini
Farmgirl Sister #1974
God gave us two hands... one to help ourselves, and one to help others!
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Edited by - Ninibini on Jan 30 2014 03:37:28 AM |
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Cindy Lou
True Blue Farmgirl
2325 Posts
Susan
Lonsdale
MN
USA
2325 Posts |
Posted - Jan 30 2014 : 10:23:04 AM
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EVER WONDER ...
Why is it that doctors call what
they do 'practice'?
Why is lemon juice made with
artificial flavor, and dish washing
liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all
your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the
slowest traffic called rush hour?
Susan
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"
Mary Oliver |
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Ninibini
True Blue Farmgirl
7577 Posts
Nini
Pennsylvania
USA
7577 Posts |
Posted - Jan 30 2014 : 10:45:07 AM
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You know what I always wondered, Susan? Why they want you to pay the check at a restaurants instead of a bill... If it's a check, shouldn't that mean they will be paying YOU??? And yes... it always bothered me as to why doctor's practice medicine... You'd think if they were working on you, and getting SO much money to do so, they would've been required to know their stuff first!!!
Those are great ones - lol - please do keep 'em coming!!! :)
Hugs -
Nini
Farmgirl Sister #1974
God gave us two hands... one to help ourselves, and one to help others!
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AFinkberry
True Blue Farmgirl
310 Posts
Ally
Kalama
Washington
310 Posts |
Posted - Jan 30 2014 : 9:05:11 PM
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Yeah, I have always wondered what dish soap uses real lemons!!! HAHA!!!!
I gave my dead batteries away.....FREE OF CHARGE!!!!!
Ally
Farmgirl Sister #5672
"There is no need for temples, no need for complicated philosophies. My brain and my heart are my temples; my philosophy is kindness." ~His Holiness the Dalai Lama |
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Ninibini
True Blue Farmgirl
7577 Posts
Nini
Pennsylvania
USA
7577 Posts |
Posted - Jan 31 2014 : 02:58:28 AM
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LOL! Ally! Good one!
While waiting for the ride at the carnival, Little Johnny struck up a conversation another little boy in line.
"Hi! I’m Joey. What's your name?" asked the first boy.
"Johnny".
"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your dad do for a living?" Joey asked.
Little Johnny replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."
"Honest!?" asked Joey.
Johnny replied, "No, just the regular kind."
Tee hee...
Nini
Farmgirl Sister #1974
God gave us two hands... one to help ourselves, and one to help others!
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Edited by - Ninibini on Jan 31 2014 02:58:51 AM |
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Cindy Lou
True Blue Farmgirl
2325 Posts
Susan
Lonsdale
MN
USA
2325 Posts |
Posted - Jan 31 2014 : 07:25:04 AM
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EVER WONDER ...
Why isn't there mouse-flavored
cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle
for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black
box that is used on airplanes? Why
don't they make the whole plane out
of that stuff?!
That lawyer one got me giggling, Nini!
Susan
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"
Mary Oliver |
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Ninibini
True Blue Farmgirl
7577 Posts
Nini
Pennsylvania
USA
7577 Posts |
Posted - Jan 31 2014 : 08:52:43 AM
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Tee hee... Our best man is a lawyer... I've got a million of them... ;)
Farmgirl Sister #1974
God gave us two hands... one to help ourselves, and one to help others!
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beekeepersgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
1423 Posts
Luanne
Cresco
PA
USA
1423 Posts |
Posted - Jan 31 2014 : 09:38:34 AM
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A young woman got lost driving in a New England snowstorm. A snowplow passed, so she started following it. After 30 minutes, the plow stopped, and the driver asked what she was doing. “My father always told me that if I got lost in a snowstorm, I should follow a plow,” the woman said. “Oh,” the driver replied. “Well, I’m almost done with this parking lot. If you want, you can follow me over to the next one.”
beekeepersgirl #691
Pleasant words are as an honeycomb, sweet to the soul, and health to the bones.
My blog: finallyafarmgirl.blogspot.com
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Calicogirl
True Blue Farmgirl
5216 Posts
Sharon
Bruce Crossing
Michigan
USA
5216 Posts |
Posted - Jan 31 2014 : 10:14:14 AM
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Keep'em coming girls :)
This one is from one of Jan Karon's novels. Her character Uncle Billy is known throughout Mitford for his jokes :)
One day a farmer driving a manure truck broke down in front of a sanitarium. He was checking out the truck when a patient leaned over the fence and asked him,
"What's in the truck?"
The farmer replied, "Manure"
The patient, "What are you going to do with that?"
The farmer responded, "I'm gonna put it on my strawberries"
"Well, call me crazy, but I like whipped cream on mine"
Farmgirl Sister #5392
By His Grace, For His Glory
~Sharon
http://amerryheartjournal.blogspot.com/
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Ninibini
True Blue Farmgirl
7577 Posts
Nini
Pennsylvania
USA
7577 Posts |
Posted - Jan 31 2014 : 10:34:33 AM
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LOL! You both cracked me up! LOL!
Luanne - My Dad told me the same thing when I was a kid.... Never had to do it, though, thank goodness! :)
Farmgirl Sister #1974
God gave us two hands... one to help ourselves, and one to help others!
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AFinkberry
True Blue Farmgirl
310 Posts
Ally
Kalama
Washington
310 Posts |
Posted - Jan 31 2014 : 8:24:50 PM
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I'm dyin' with the snowplow!
I forgot how to throw a boomerang...
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Then in came back to me!
LOL!!
Ally
Farmgirl Sister #5672
"There is no need for temples, no need for complicated philosophies. My brain and my heart are my temples; my philosophy is kindness." ~His Holiness the Dalai Lama |
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prariehawk
True Blue Farmgirl
2914 Posts
Cindy
2914 Posts |
Posted - Jan 31 2014 : 11:49:30 PM
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Definition of a Midwest traffic jam: a combine followed by ten cars.
Cindy
"Vast floods can't quench love, no matter what love did/ Rivers can't drown love, no matter where love's hid"--Sinead O'Connor
"In many ways, you don't just live in the country, it lives inside you"--Ellen Eilers
Visit my blog at http://www.farmerinthebelle.blogspot.com/ |
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Ninibini
True Blue Farmgirl
7577 Posts
Nini
Pennsylvania
USA
7577 Posts |
Posted - Feb 01 2014 : 06:30:04 AM
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Love those, girls!
One day a cannibal was walking in the woods when he suddenly passed his brother.
Have a great day, girls!
Nini
Farmgirl Sister #1974
God gave us two hands... one to help ourselves, and one to help others!
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Edited by - Ninibini on Feb 02 2014 07:56:40 AM |
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Cindy Lou
True Blue Farmgirl
2325 Posts
Susan
Lonsdale
MN
USA
2325 Posts |
Posted - Feb 01 2014 : 08:36:23 AM
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EVER WONDER ...
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments
when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is
Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call
the airport the terminal?
Susan
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"
Mary Oliver |
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Ninibini
True Blue Farmgirl
7577 Posts
Nini
Pennsylvania
USA
7577 Posts |
Posted - Feb 01 2014 : 11:25:01 PM
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A blonde and her husband are watching the evening news together.
Suddenly, the news anchor interrupts the reporter in the field. "John, I have to interrupt you here with some breaking news: Word is just coming in that there has been a disaster near Rio de Janeiro. Five Brazilian men died in a skydiving accident today."
The blonde bursts into tears; she is inconsolable. Her husband is shocked by her reaction, and tries to what he might say to calm her down. All he can muster up are the words, "Honey, honey - there, there. They were participating in a risky sport. They knew the dangers. At least we can find peace in knowing they died doing something they loved!"
The blonde, trying to regain her composure, blows her nose, wipes away her tears and cries, "I know, I know... But it's just so terrible! How many IS a Brazilian, exactly?"
Happy day!
Nini
Farmgirl Sister #1974
God gave us two hands... one to help ourselves, and one to help others!
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Edited by - Ninibini on Feb 02 2014 12:52:37 AM |
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nndairy
True Blue Farmgirl
3001 Posts
Heather
Wapakoneta
Ohio
USA
3001 Posts |
Posted - Feb 02 2014 : 09:26:50 AM
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Just how may is a Brazilian????? That's too funny!
Speaking of lawyers - I found this one and it made me chuckle:
Settling a cow case
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.
The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"
The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."
Heather
Farmgirl Sister #4701
http://nndairy.blogspot.com/
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Across the Fence: Let's Laugh Our Way Through 2015!! |
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Let's Laugh Our Way Through 2015!!
