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Across the Fence:  Let's Laugh Our Way Through 2015!!  |
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Cindy Lou
True Blue Farmgirl
2325 Posts
Susan
Lonsdale
MN
USA
2325 Posts |
 Posted - Feb 22 2014 : 07:06:41 AM
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A woman, calling Mount Sinai Hospital, said, "Hello, I want to know if a patient is getting better."
The voice on the other end of the line said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"
She said, "Yes, darling! She's Sarah Finkel, in Room 302."
He said, "Oh, yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday."
The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! Oh! That's fantastic! That's wonderful news!"
The man on the phone said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a close family member or a very close friend!"
She said, "I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Cohen, my doctor, doesn't tell me a word!"
Susan
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"
Mary Oliver |
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HodgeLodge
True Blue Farmgirl
662 Posts
Tiana
Berkeley Springs
WV
USA
662 Posts |
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HodgeLodge
True Blue Farmgirl
662 Posts
Tiana
Berkeley Springs
WV
USA
662 Posts |
Posted - Feb 22 2014 : 08:47:43 AM
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Being of native descent i love native jokes.
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,
"Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"
Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe, you dumber then buffalo chip. Someone has stolen tent."
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Farmgirl #4817-The greatest gift of the garden is the restoration of the five senses. ~Hanna Rion
https://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Hodge-Lodge-Clothesline/285366378259342
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nndairy
True Blue Farmgirl
2994 Posts
Heather
Wapakoneta
Ohio
USA
2994 Posts |
Posted - Feb 22 2014 : 1:32:57 PM
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This one made me giggle:
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large." Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows." The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those?" The Aussie, fed up with the Texan's bragging replies with an incredulous look, "What, don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"
Heather
Farmgirl Sister #4701
http://nndairy.blogspot.com/
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Cozynana
True Blue Farmgirl
1123 Posts
Kem
1123 Posts |
Posted - Feb 23 2014 : 05:57:37 AM
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A Virginia State trooper pulled a car over on I-64 about 2 miles south of the Virginia/ West Virginia State line. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a juggler and was on his way to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them.
The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him. While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy traveling from Tennessee got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.
The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.”
Chuckle for the day
Kem |
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Cozynana
True Blue Farmgirl
1123 Posts
Kem
1123 Posts |
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Cindy Lou
True Blue Farmgirl
2325 Posts
Susan
Lonsdale
MN
USA
2325 Posts |
Posted - Feb 23 2014 : 07:36:03 AM
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Kem,
I went to the facebook thing, clicked it, looked at it and somehow thought it was some kind of pop-up, so I clicked it again. Is that a senior moment or a blonde moment?
I LOVED the state trooper one. By then I was apparently awake enough to get it.
Susan
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"
Mary Oliver |
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jpbluesky
True Blue Farmgirl
6066 Posts
Jeannie
Florida
USA
6066 Posts |
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Cindy Lou
True Blue Farmgirl
2325 Posts
Susan
Lonsdale
MN
USA
2325 Posts |
Posted - Feb 24 2014 : 10:48:30 AM
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A lady went to a doctor’s office where she was seen by a Doctor. A few minutes into the examination, screeching could be heard from the room, and then the lady burst out of the room as if running for her life. After much effort a nurse finally managed to calm her down enough to tell her story. The nurse barged into the office of the Doctor and screamed, “shame on you, Mrs. Smith is 82 years old, and you told her she’s pregnant.” The Doctor continued writing calmly and barely looking up said, “does she still have the hiccups?”
Susan
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"
Mary Oliver |
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prariehawk
True Blue Farmgirl
2914 Posts
Cindy
2914 Posts |
Posted - Feb 24 2014 : 2:41:50 PM
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The new CEO of the corporation went to the plant to check out the workers. He was determined to rid the company of any slackers. Looking around, he sees everyone hard at work except for one young man, sloppily dressed and leaning against a wall. The CEO walks over to the young man and asks him how much he makes in a week.
"About four hundred dollars", replies the man.
"Wait right here", says the CEO. Then he walks to his office and reaches into a safe and pulls out $1600.00 in cash. He walks back to the young man, gives him the money and says"Here's a month's pay. Now get out of here!"
The man takes the money and leaves.
The CEO turns to one of the other workers and asks. "Who was that bum anyway?"
"He's just the delivery guy from Domino's Pizza".
"Vast floods can't quench love, no matter what love did/ Rivers can't drown love, no matter where love's hid"--Sinead O'Connor
"In many ways, you don't just live in the country, it lives inside you"--Ellen Eilers
Visit my blog at http://www.farmerinthebelle.blogspot.com/ |
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Cindy Lou
True Blue Farmgirl
2325 Posts
Susan
Lonsdale
MN
USA
2325 Posts |
Posted - Feb 25 2014 : 09:18:15 AM
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Prariehawk, What a giggle, I can just see that bigshot CEO!
As we look forward to spring and gardening here is some advice.
The real meaning of plant catalog terminology:
"A favorite of birds" means to avoid planting near cars, sidewalks, or clotheslines.
"Grows more beautiful each year" means "Looks like roadkill for the foreseeable future."
"Zone 5 with protection" is a variation on the phrase "Russian roulette."
"May require support" means your daughter's engineering degree will finally pay off.
"Moisture-loving" plants are ideal for landscaping all your bogs and swamps.
"Carefree" refers more to the plant's attitude than to your workload.
"Vigorous" is code for "has a Napoleonic compulsion to take over the world."
"Grandma's Favorite" -- until she discovered free-flowering, disease-resistant hybrids.
Susan
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"
Mary Oliver |
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Cindy Lou
True Blue Farmgirl
2325 Posts
Susan
Lonsdale
MN
USA
2325 Posts |
Posted - Feb 27 2014 : 07:19:28 AM
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Why do melons have fancy weddings?
Because they cantaloupe.
Susan
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"
Mary Oliver |
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katmom
True Blue Farmgirl
17025 Posts
Grace
WACAL Gal
WashCalif.
USA
17025 Posts |
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Cindy Lou
True Blue Farmgirl
2325 Posts
Susan
Lonsdale
MN
USA
2325 Posts |
Posted - Mar 02 2014 : 8:07:29 PM
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Two little ladies were shopping in the mall when Joanne smiled: "My cat can really play chess!"
With a shocking expression, Angelina praised Joanne's cat: "Really? It must be very smart!"
Just when Angelina finished her sentence, Joanne said:" Well... Actually, I don't know about that. I usually win three out of four times."
Susan
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"
Mary Oliver |
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Cindy Lou
True Blue Farmgirl
2325 Posts
Susan
Lonsdale
MN
USA
2325 Posts |
Posted - Mar 04 2014 : 08:00:58 AM
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Did you ever wonder?
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Susan
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"
Mary Oliver |
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Cindy Lou
True Blue Farmgirl
2325 Posts
Susan
Lonsdale
MN
USA
2325 Posts |
Posted - Mar 05 2014 : 3:31:52 PM
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Ever wonder?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Susan
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"
Mary Oliver |
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jpbluesky
True Blue Farmgirl
6066 Posts
Jeannie
Florida
USA
6066 Posts |
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Ninibini
True Blue Farmgirl
7577 Posts
Nini
Pennsylvania
USA
7577 Posts |
Posted - Mar 06 2014 : 1:41:02 PM
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LOL! Oooooooohhmygosh! I am SO glad to see you all kept this going! I've missed the giggles! Thank you so much for making me laugh!!! I'll have to get on the ball and post again soon!
Grace - that picture IS hilarious! Love it!!!
Hugs -
Nini
Farmgirl Sister #1974
God gave us two hands... one to help ourselves, and one to help others!
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Cindy Lou
True Blue Farmgirl
2325 Posts
Susan
Lonsdale
MN
USA
2325 Posts |
Posted - Mar 06 2014 : 2:37:07 PM
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EVER WONDER?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?
Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?
Susan
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"
Mary Oliver |
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beekeepersgirl
True Blue Farmgirl
1423 Posts
Luanne
Cresco
PA
USA
1423 Posts |
Posted - Mar 06 2014 : 3:58:41 PM
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Nini - it is so good to see you back here and laughing! Hope you're getting better every day.
Hugs,
Luanne
beekeepersgirl #691
Pleasant words are as an honeycomb, sweet to the soul, and health to the bones.
My blog: finallyafarmgirl.blogspot.com
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Ninibini
True Blue Farmgirl
7577 Posts
Nini
Pennsylvania
USA
7577 Posts |
Posted - Mar 07 2014 : 03:00:20 AM
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Awww...Thanks, Luanne! I'm doing great, really! :)
When I was in the hospital, my son and his friends entertained me with their favorite "Confucius Say..." jokes. Here are a few of my favorites:
Confucius say...
Man who eat prunes get good run for money.
Confucius say...
Man who sit on tack get point!
Confucius say...
When called an idiot, better to be quiet than to open mouth and remove all doubt.
Confucius say...
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
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I also got permission from the visiting Priest, Father Justin, to tell this one... I hesitated to even share it with him, but he told me Jesus has a sense of humor... after all, He introduced me to my husband! (He really said that! LOL! After joking with him for a while, my husband said to him - "You're not a Priest! I want to see your credentials!" LOL! He was so much fun! Such a delight in such a dreary place! We sure had a blast visiting with him!) Here goes:
Jesus was preaching in the square when suddenly the crowd parted. In ran a harlot followed by a crowd of angry men carrying stones. The men yelled to the Lord, "This woman is a harlot!! What would you have us do with her, Rabbi?! She deserves to be stoned!"
Jesus stood up, slowly scanning the crowd and said, "Let ye who is without sin cast the first stone."
Feeling very convicted, the angry crowd dispersed, leaving only Jesus, His followers and the shamed woman.
Jesus leaned down and said to her, "Well child, I see no one here who accuses you..."
Suddenly a stone comes flying out of nowhere and lands smack dab between the Lord and the harlot.
Incredulous, Jesus whips around, looks scathingly upon the group and exclaims,
"M-O-O-O-O-O-M!"
(We heard that one at "Sister's Easter Catechism" last year.)
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Okay... Just one more...
Jesus, Moses, and an old man are playing golf. They step up to a par 3.
Jesus is up first. He drives the ball short, into the water trap in front of the green. So Jesus, being Jesus, walks on the water, chips the ball onto the green and putts for par.
Moses is next. He drives the ball into the same water trap. So Moses, being Moses, parts the water, chips the ball onto the green, and putts for par.
The old man is up. He drives the ball and it's heading for the water trap. Before the ball lands in the water, a fish jumps out and catches the ball in its mouth. Before the fish lands back in the water, a bird swoops down, snags the fish, and begins to fly away.
As it's circling over the green, a bolt of lighting strikes the bird, causing it to drop the fish onto the green. The ball pops out of the fish's mouth, and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.
Jesus turns to the old man and says,
"Dad, if you don't stop fooling around we're not gonna bring you next time."
And THAT, my friends, is why I'll be heading to confession this weekend! LOL!
Thank you, Lord, for having a sense of humor, and for giving us just a little spark of it to enjoy every day!
Hugs -
Nini
Farmgirl Sister #1974
God gave us two hands... one to help ourselves, and one to help others!
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jpbluesky
True Blue Farmgirl
6066 Posts
Jeannie
Florida
USA
6066 Posts |
Posted - Mar 07 2014 : 11:59:39 AM
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A blonde woman grew tired of being accused of being dumb. She thought she would impress her husband with her abilities by painting the living room all by herself. She chose and bought the paint and brushes, and began her project while her husband was at work. She thought she was doing a really good and competent job. When her husband came home, however, he found her lying on the floor, over-heated and sweating. And wearing her parka and her rain jacket. "What are you doing, and why are you so bundled up?" His wife said, "I was simply following directions.....see here? It says, for good coverage, you will need to put on two coats."
Farmgirl #31
www.blueskyjeannie.blogspot.com
Psalm 51: 10-13 |
Edited by - jpbluesky on Mar 10 2014 5:34:09 PM |
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Cindy Lou
True Blue Farmgirl
2325 Posts
Susan
Lonsdale
MN
USA
2325 Posts |
Posted - Mar 08 2014 : 1:49:37 PM
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Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Susan
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"
Mary Oliver |
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Ninibini
True Blue Farmgirl
7577 Posts
Nini
Pennsylvania
USA
7577 Posts |
Posted - Mar 08 2014 : 4:05:11 PM
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What do you call a cow that doesn’t give milk?
A Milk Dud???
No!
An udder failure!
Farmgirl Sister #1974
God gave us two hands... one to help ourselves, and one to help others!
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prariehawk
True Blue Farmgirl
2914 Posts
Cindy
2914 Posts |
Posted - Mar 08 2014 : 9:33:10 PM
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Why did the dolphin drop out of high school?
He lacked a sense of porpoise!
Cindy
"Vast floods can't quench love, no matter what love did/ Rivers can't drown love, no matter where love's hid"--Sinead O'Connor
"In many ways, you don't just live in the country, it lives inside you"--Ellen Eilers
Visit my blog at http://www.farmerinthebelle.blogspot.com/ |
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Across the Fence: Let's Laugh Our Way Through 2015!! |
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Let's Laugh Our Way Through 2015!!
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