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 Let's Laugh Our Way Through 2015!!
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prariehawk
True Blue Farmgirl

2914 Posts

Cindy

2914 Posts

Posted - Feb 11 2014 :  5:57:41 PM  Show Profile
An atheist is walking through the forest. suddenly a grizzly bear appears right in front of him. the bear is growling ferociously. The atheist screams:"Oh my God!" A light appears above him and a voice says, "Yes?" The atheist says, "Is it really You, God?" "Yes", the voice responds. "Do you wish to become a Christian?" The atheist ponders this for a minute. "Well,I'm not ready to become a Christian, but could you please make the bear a Christian?" "So be it" replies the voice. The atheist breathes a sigh of relief. Then the bear puts both his paws together and says, "Lord, bless this meal which I am about to receive".
I heard this one at church.
Cindy

"Vast floods can't quench love, no matter what love did/ Rivers can't drown love, no matter where love's hid"--Sinead O'Connor
"In many ways, you don't just live in the country, it lives inside you"--Ellen Eilers

Visit my blog at http://www.farmerinthebelle.blogspot.com/
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Ninibini
True Blue Farmgirl

7575 Posts

Nini
Pennsylvania
USA
7575 Posts

Posted - Feb 12 2014 :  03:49:12 AM  Show Profile
LOL! Good one!

A young Christian couple decides they want to get a puppy. Strolling down the street in town after church one Sunday, they notice a pet shop with a sign in the window that reads, "Christian Puppies." They determine to check it out the next day.

After work, they return to the shop. Their interest piqued, they ask the owner, "How do you know they're Christian puppies?"

"Watch," says the owner. He picks up one of the dogs out of the pen and commands the dog, "Fetch the Bible." The dog runs over to the desk, reaches up, grabs the Bible in his mouth, and returns. The shop owner places the Bible on the floor and says, "Find Psalm 23." The dog quickly flips the pages with its paw and stops. Sure enough, it's at the right page. Absolutely delighted, the couple purchases the dog and brings him home.

That evening, they invite friends over to show off their new puppy, who amazes everyone with his routine. One of the guests ask, "Does he know the usual commands as well?"

"Gee, we don't know... We didn't think to ask!" says the husband.

Turning to the dog, he says, "Sit." The dog sits.

"Lie down." The dog lies down.

"Roll over." The dog rolls over.

He says, "Heel." The dog runs over to him, jumps up on the sofa, puts both paws on the owner's forehead and bows his head.

"Oh, look!" the wife exclaims. "He's PENTECOSTAL!"

Farmgirl Sister #1974

God gave us two hands... one to help ourselves, and one to help others!


Edited by - Ninibini on Feb 12 2014 03:49:47 AM
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Calicogirl
True Blue Farmgirl

5216 Posts

Sharon
Bruce Crossing Michigan
USA
5216 Posts

Posted - Feb 12 2014 :  10:52:19 AM  Show Profile
Oh No Nini!!!!! That is funny!!!

I have to tell you that our dog Zokie used to tithe from his dish. We never taught him but he would always take one morsel out and set it aside and never went back for it :) When we got our dog Tirzah she chewed the New Testament portion of Michael's Bible. He told her that if she wanted to feed on God's word she couldn't pick and choose, she had to take the whole thing in :)

Farmgirl Sister #5392

By His Grace, For His Glory
~Sharon

http://amerryheartjournal.blogspot.com/
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Ninibini
True Blue Farmgirl

7575 Posts

Nini
Pennsylvania
USA
7575 Posts

Posted - Feb 12 2014 :  12:17:54 PM  Show Profile
Ohhhh, my! How SWEET, Sharon!

Pawlee always "says Grace" when we hand her food. She swings her head to the left, then the right, then the left again, looks down and then grabs the goods. It amazes everyone we know... She's amazing. DOGS are amazing!

Hugs -

Nini

Farmgirl Sister #1974

God gave us two hands... one to help ourselves, and one to help others!


Edited by - Ninibini on Feb 12 2014 12:18:12 PM
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Cindy Lou
True Blue Farmgirl

2325 Posts

Susan
Lonsdale MN
USA
2325 Posts

Posted - Feb 12 2014 :  7:26:31 PM  Show Profile
Cindy, I've heard the bear one before and it broke me up that time too.
The dog ones are great!

Last night we ate at a local Chinese buffet. I always look forward to getting a fortune cookie. I was a little disappointed in mine, "Enjoyed
the meal? Order a meal to go." So I got to thinking what would have been more fun, and found these online.
"Agent 56, the restaurant is bugged, abort mission. ABORT MISSION!"
"Catch on fire with enthusiasm and people will come to watch you burn."
"Never tease an armed midget with a high five."
"Marriage lets you annoy one special person for the res of your life."
"Put me down and run to the gym."

Susan

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"
Mary Oliver
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Ninibini
True Blue Farmgirl

7575 Posts

Nini
Pennsylvania
USA
7575 Posts

Posted - Feb 13 2014 :  03:27:22 AM  Show Profile
Susan! LOL!

What sits on the bottom of the Arctic Ocean and shakes?
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|
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A nervous wreck.


Farmgirl Sister #1974

God gave us two hands... one to help ourselves, and one to help others!

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Cozynana
True Blue Farmgirl

1123 Posts

Kem

1123 Posts

Posted - Feb 13 2014 :  03:27:43 AM  Show Profile
Made my day, hope it makes yours too. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ipnGPeRIy2k
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Cindy Lou
True Blue Farmgirl

2325 Posts

Susan
Lonsdale MN
USA
2325 Posts

Posted - Feb 13 2014 :  07:52:46 AM  Show Profile
Oh, Kem, how great that is! Wouldn't you love to spend time with the two of them? I read that an average adult laughs about 15 times a day and for a child it can be up to 400. What a way to stay young!

Smartest Man in the World


A lawyer, a priest, and a young boy were in a plane that was going to crash, yet they only had 2 parachutes. The lawyer proclaimed that since he was the smartest man on the plane, that he deserved to survive. He took a chute and jumped.

The priest looks and the young boy, and reflecting back on his life, told the young boy to take the last parachute since he had already lived a wonderful and full life.

The boy replied, "You can have the other chute because the smartest man on this plane just jumped out with my bookbag!"

Susan



"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"
Mary Oliver
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Ninibini
True Blue Farmgirl

7575 Posts

Nini
Pennsylvania
USA
7575 Posts

Posted - Feb 14 2014 :  02:12:43 AM  Show Profile
LOL! They are SUCH a hoot, Kem!

Good one, Susan!

Why did the army send an octopus to war?
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He was well-armed!





Farmgirl Sister #1974

God gave us two hands... one to help ourselves, and one to help others!

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Ninibini
True Blue Farmgirl

7575 Posts

Nini
Pennsylvania
USA
7575 Posts

Posted - Feb 14 2014 :  9:39:33 PM  Show Profile
Received this from a friend today in an email and it made me laugh, so I thought I’d share...

Hope these put a smile on your face!

Did I read that sign right?
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:(I sure hope so)
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?
"Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter"
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this.
It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!!
They put in a correction the next day.

"Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says"
Really? Ya think?

"Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers"
Now that's taking things a bit far!

"Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over"
What a guy!

"Miners Refuse to Work after Death"
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!

"Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant"
See if that works any better than a fair trial!

"War Dims Hope for Peace"
I can see where it might have that effect!

"If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile "
Ya think?!

"Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures"
Who would have thought!

"Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide"
They may be on to something!

"Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges"
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?

"Man Struck By Lightning:Faces Battery Charge"
He probably IS the battery charge!

"New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group"
Weren't they fat enough?!

"Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft"
That's what he gets for eating those beans!

"Kids Make Nutritious Snacks"
Do they taste like chicken?

"Local High School DropoutsCut in Half"
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

"Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors"
Boy, are they tall!

And the winner is....

"Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead"
…Did I read that right?



Have a happy day!

Nini


Farmgirl Sister #1974

God gave us two hands... one to help ourselves, and one to help others!

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Cozynana
True Blue Farmgirl

1123 Posts

Kem

1123 Posts

Posted - Feb 15 2014 :  02:46:28 AM  Show Profile
This is not a humorous joke, but a "feel good story".

The man brought the three cards, the three boxes of candy, and the three sets of flowers up to the cashier for checkout. The cashier rolled her eyes at him as she looked at his wedding band and mumbled..."these players make me sick." This caused everyone else to look at the man funny too. So the man responded..."one set is for my mom because my dad passed away and he used to do this for my mom...and he taught me how to give love. The next set is for my wife because I love her and she teaches me how to receive and treasure love. And the last set is for my daughter...because it's up to me to teach her how she should be treated and who she should give her love to. Have a blessed day."

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Cindy Lou
True Blue Farmgirl

2325 Posts

Susan
Lonsdale MN
USA
2325 Posts

Posted - Feb 15 2014 :  06:34:03 AM  Show Profile
Nini,
Loved the Headlines, that's what I'll miss the most from Jay Leno's TV show. I'm going to pass that on to an old friend who's a former English teacher.
Kem,
So lovely, that brought tears to my eyes.



TIRED

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much partying, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.

The population of this country is 237 million.

104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me.

And you're sitting there reading jokes!

.


Sue

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"
Mary Oliver
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Cindy Lou
True Blue Farmgirl

2325 Posts

Susan
Lonsdale MN
USA
2325 Posts

Posted - Feb 15 2014 :  4:33:20 PM  Show Profile

Our apologies to the people of Atlanta, Georgia. Many of us Minnesotans were pretty smug through your recent weather difficulties, as this picture shows.
Well, today we got a little dose of reality, possibly three inches of snow in an hour of reality. So tonight on the news we saw 5 vehicles in the ditch along I-35. Even here snow can come too fast for us to keep up.

Susan

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"
Mary Oliver
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Ninibini
True Blue Farmgirl

7575 Posts

Nini
Pennsylvania
USA
7575 Posts

Posted - Feb 15 2014 :  9:19:23 PM  Show Profile
A woman walked into the kitchen and found her husband walking around with a fly swatter.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“Killing flies,” he replied.

“Oh, have you gotten many?” she asked.

“Yep, two males, two females.”

Intrigued, she asked, “How can you tell?”

“Two were on a beer can, two were on the phone.”



Farmgirl Sister #1974

God gave us two hands... one to help ourselves, and one to help others!

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Calicogirl
True Blue Farmgirl

5216 Posts

Sharon
Bruce Crossing Michigan
USA
5216 Posts

Posted - Feb 16 2014 :  4:06:54 PM  Show Profile
Nini, that is so cute about Pawlie!!! What a sweetie!

These jokes are great girls, thanks for sharing!

Farmgirl Sister #5392

By His Grace, For His Glory
~Sharon

http://amerryheartjournal.blogspot.com/
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jpbluesky
True Blue Farmgirl

6064 Posts

Jeannie
Florida
USA
6064 Posts

Posted - Feb 16 2014 :  5:44:01 PM  Show Profile
Here is another one from my dad..... Once we were at my grandparents farm in Iowa and were having a picnic on the lawn. They had a barnyard dog named Tippy and she was so sweet. Anyway, one of the kids dropped their fried chicken on the grass. My aunt picked it up and gave it to my cousin who dropped it. She said, "It is okay to eat, the grass is clean." My dad said quietly, "Yes, it is clean, I saw Tippy watering it today."

Farmgirl #31

www.blueskyjeannie.blogspot.com

Psalm 51: 10-13
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Ninibini
True Blue Farmgirl

7575 Posts

Nini
Pennsylvania
USA
7575 Posts

Posted - Feb 17 2014 :  02:16:04 AM  Show Profile
Yesterday at Church, I had to finally break down and tell my friend that she draws her eyebrows on too high.

She looked REALLY surprised.


Farmgirl Sister #1974

God gave us two hands... one to help ourselves, and one to help others!


Edited by - Ninibini on Feb 17 2014 02:39:33 AM
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nubidane
True Blue Farmgirl

2721 Posts

Lisa
Georgetown OH
2721 Posts

Posted - Feb 17 2014 :  06:49:31 AM  Show Profile
A man attending church was sitting in back of 2 ladies, one of whom he was sure he knew. He tapped her on the back and said "Did you know you look like Helen Brown?"
She swung around and snorted, "And you don't look too swell in blue either"




"We must reject the idea that every time a law’s broken, society is guilty rather than the lawbreaker. It is time to restore the American precept that each individual is accountable for his actions.” – R.R.
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Ninibini
True Blue Farmgirl

7575 Posts

Nini
Pennsylvania
USA
7575 Posts

Posted - Feb 17 2014 :  09:55:11 AM  Show Profile
LOL! I had to read that a few times before I got it, Lisa! LOL! Good one!!! :)

Farmgirl Sister #1974

God gave us two hands... one to help ourselves, and one to help others!

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Cindy Lou
True Blue Farmgirl

2325 Posts

Susan
Lonsdale MN
USA
2325 Posts

Posted - Feb 17 2014 :  12:15:47 PM  Show Profile
Why do cowboys always die with their boots on?
So they won't stub their toes when they kick the bucket.

Susan

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"
Mary Oliver
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Cindy Lou
True Blue Farmgirl

2325 Posts

Susan
Lonsdale MN
USA
2325 Posts

Posted - Feb 18 2014 :  08:06:27 AM  Show Profile
Let's be sure to keep this going so Nini will have some laughs ready for her when she is able to check in!




Susan

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"
Mary Oliver
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Cindy Lou
True Blue Farmgirl

2325 Posts

Susan
Lonsdale MN
USA
2325 Posts

Posted - Feb 19 2014 :  09:15:39 AM  Show Profile
Mechanic v Doctor Story

Allan, a mechanic, was removing a cylinder head from a Harley-Davidson motorbike, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his garage. The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.

Allan shouted across the garage, 'Hey Doc can I ask you a question?' The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to Allan. Allan straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So Doc, look at this engine. I also can open hearts, take valves out, fix'em, put in new parts and when I finish this will work just like a new one. So how come I work for a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?'

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over and whispered in Allan's ear, 'Try doing it with the engine running.'

Susan

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"
Mary Oliver
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Cindy Lou
True Blue Farmgirl

2325 Posts

Susan
Lonsdale MN
USA
2325 Posts

Posted - Feb 20 2014 :  08:39:22 AM  Show Profile
Beware of Your Doctor Uttering These Phrases During Surgery

Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!Funny Doctor Quotes
Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
...and could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off
Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
Orthodox medicine has not found an answer to your complaint. However, luckily for you, I happen to be a quack.
FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

Susan

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"
Mary Oliver
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Cindy Lou
True Blue Farmgirl

2325 Posts

Susan
Lonsdale MN
USA
2325 Posts

Posted - Feb 21 2014 :  12:21:57 PM  Show Profile
I Don't Want To Be A Doctor For The Following Reasons

If I were a pathologist I'd be in a dead end job.
If I were a biologist I'd be in jeans all the time.
Anaesthesiology would put me to sleep.
Cell specialists are too cultured for my taste.
I can't stand podiatry.
I can't see myself as an ophthalmologist.
I'm too old to be a gerontologist.
I would have to be crazy to become a psychiatrist.
I'm told paediatrics is child's play.
I haven't got the heart to be a cardiologist.
And they'd see right through me if I went into radiology.
And I really couldn't face it if I were a dermatologist.
I'm not cut out to be a surgeon.
If I weren't such a baby, I'd become a gynaecologist.
It's been drilled into me that I should be a dentist.
I'd rather be a plumber than a urologist.
If I were a proctologist I'd always be behind in my career.
I haven't got the spine to be a chiropractor.

Susan

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"
Mary Oliver
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nndairy
True Blue Farmgirl

2007 Posts

Heather
Wapakoneta Ohio
USA
2007 Posts

Posted - Feb 21 2014 :  6:39:02 PM  Show Profile
Susan - you crack me up! I hope Nini's laughing too! Thanks for keeping this going.



Heather
Farmgirl Sister #4701
http://nndairy.blogspot.com/

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